Toxic "Friend"

  • Thread starter Thread starter O_Sanctissima
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
O

O_Sanctissima

Guest
I just wanted to run this past someone to verify if my position is reasonable.

I had this “friend” I’d been talking to, who has in reality been pretty much rude and obnoxious and always putting me down to make himself feel better. Obviously, that’s NOT the behavior of a friend, but I felt kind of compelled to stay in touch because he tends to be very depressed and I wanted to try to be patient, kind, and forgiving.

After a certain point, I just got tired of being blamed and maligned and passively-agressively insulted. He twists everything I say and always acts like he the victim and everyone else is to blame for his problems. Once in awhile he can be fairly nice but most of the time every time we communicate my blood pressure goes through the roof. Basically, if I don’t agree with him mindlessly on EVERYTHING, then the verbal attacks begin. And virtually everything has to be argued. Now he’s furious because I don’t want to meet up or talk on the phone (I’ve pretty much kept it via text).

Almost every month we end up with a major argument…it is a ridiculous cycle and one I am DONE with.

So after we had our last argument, I told him I am taking a break. And I’m not going to contact him again. He will try to “make up”…probably going to ignore those, too. Is this charitable? He is seriously becoming an occasion of sin for me with regards to charity and patience. I have tried to tell him that I am done with this and he doesn’t pay any attention.

I have true friends I love who are kind and good and wonderful refreshing people to be around and I regard them with tremendous affection. They are a joy to speak with and I know that this is what friendship should be like…sorrows shared, sorrows halved, joys shared, joys doubled kind of people. Not constant arguments with Mr. Antagonist.

Any comments or suggestions welcome. I am soft-spoken and hesitant to make bold moves which has really been my downfall through this whole relationship.
 
Have you ever heard of “the slow fade”?

You don’t need to have a big end-of-friendship talk (which I think is inadvisable in this case), you just start spacing out your responses to his messages until one day, you just aren’t responding anymore.

Best wishes!
 
Xantippe said:
Have you ever heard of “the slow fade”?

You don’t need to have a big end-of-friendship talk (which I think is inadvisable in this case), you just start spacing out your responses to his messages until one day, you just aren’t responding anymore.

Best wishes!
Click to expand...
Very true- to announce suddenly that I’m done will send him over the edge, I’ll bet. We had been speaking for about nine or ten months now (definitely should have ended this far earlier but what’s done is done, I’ll put it behind me now).

I’m virtually certain that he’ll try to contact me at some point. What I’m thinking of doing is not initiating anything again, and maybe responding to something once in a while very briefly and space it out longer and longer each time. (Like waiting a week to respond at first- I used to respond pretty quickly.)

I’m in university and am taking classes plus working full-time so I am very busy, which is a legitimate excuse for short replies and infrequent responses. I am extremely busy, but I do make time for friends, which is a sacrifice but one that is well worth it. I’m not willing to sacrifice more of myself for someone who is so unpleasant to interact with.

Also, I was abused as a child and his behavior reminds me of my abusers’ behavior. It’s actually kind of upsetting, as well as insulting.
 
O_Sanctissima said:

“I’m virtually certain that he’ll try to contact me at some point. What I’m thinking of doing is not initiating anything again, and maybe responding to something once in a while very briefly and space it out longer and longer each time. (Like waiting a week to respond at first- I used to respond pretty quickly.)”

That sounds good. And maybe don’t respond at all to rude interactions?

I don’t think it is a coincidence that you have a history of abuse and he’s been getting away with this for so long with you.

Best wishes!
 
Hello,

If this person had just been depressed, then it would have been nice to continue talking to him and see what you could do or say to give him a lift…

But the fact he is not being nice and is rude, then you have you answer right there.
This cycle will repeat itself until you decide to walk away once and for all.

This person also sounds like he has a typical personality trait to those who are not nice to others. They are horrible and try and play you on the emotional side and lure you in…only so they can be horrible to you again and again.

Some people do give others a second chance, and in some cases that is fair enough and is part of being a good Christian… But if they have done this to you more than twice, there is being kind to others, and there is someone who is trying to play you for his own means. This person is taking advantage of your kindness.

Not wanting to sound like some kind of Agony Aunt, but yes, you need to walk away my friend.
If this person knows what he is doing is wrong, he will respect you more for
walking away, because he certainly isn’t giving you the respect you deserve when you talk to him.

Some options:
If he calls you on your mobile, and you have caller display, don’t answer.
If he calls you at your landline number and someone else answers for you,
just tell someone to say that you are busy, in a polite way (that way you are not lying,
because everyone is busy doing something)
(Some people have also been known to use the white lie 'Sorry, he/she is not here at the moment)

Also, be careful what you say about this guy with others that know or speak with him,
otherwise he’ll just be angry at you when he hears what you’ve said about him or give
you unpleasant looks.

All the best.
 
chrisfaith100 said:

“…because everyone is busy doing something”

Yes. “Sorry, I can’t talk now!” (Because I’m taking care of my emotional health and not spending unnecessary time interacting with people who treat me like garbage.)
 
What do you argue about?
Maybe instead of world events etc you could just do activities with your “friend”
Eg:like golf or bowling because you don’t have to talk much “deep talk” there…
 
Xantippe said:
Have you ever heard of “the slow fade”?

You don’t need to have a big end-of-friendship talk (which I think is inadvisable in this case), you just start spacing out your responses to his messages until one day, you just aren’t responding anymore.

Best wishes!
Click to expand...
That’s exactly how you distance yourself from someone with whom you’d rather not spend time and energy.

Great advice.
 
Xantippe said:
Have you ever heard of “the slow fade”?

You don’t need to have a big end-of-friendship talk (which I think is inadvisable in this case), you just start spacing out your responses to his messages until one day, you just aren’t responding anymore.

Best wishes!
Click to expand...
👍 Sounds good.
 
Praying you find a way to distance yourself from this person. I like the “slow fade” idea. Hopefully this person grows up and gets on with their life. I think we have all had to deal with unpleasant people who just won’t take the hint and go away. All we can do is pray for the other person.

God bless.
 
O_Sanctissima said:
I just wanted to run this past someone to verify if my position is reasonable.

I had this “friend” I’d been talking to, who has in reality been pretty much rude and obnoxious and always putting me down to make himself feel better. Obviously, that’s NOT the behavior of a friend, but I felt kind of compelled to stay in touch because he tends to be very depressed and I wanted to try to be patient, kind, and forgiving.

After a certain point, I just got tired of being blamed and maligned and passively-agressively insulted. He twists everything I say and always acts like he the victim and everyone else is to blame for his problems. Once in awhile he can be fairly nice but most of the time every time we communicate my blood pressure goes through the roof. Basically, if I don’t agree with him mindlessly on EVERYTHING, then the verbal attacks begin. And virtually everything has to be argued. Now he’s furious because I don’t want to meet up or talk on the phone (I’ve pretty much kept it via text).

Almost every month we end up with a major argument…it is a ridiculous cycle and one I am DONE with.

So after we had our last argument, I told him I am taking a break. And I’m not going to contact him again. He will try to “make up”…probably going to ignore those, too. Is this charitable? He is seriously becoming an occasion of sin for me with regards to charity and patience. I have tried to tell him that I am done with this and he doesn’t pay any attention.

I have true friends I love who are kind and good and wonderful refreshing people to be around and I regard them with tremendous affection. They are a joy to speak with and I know that this is what friendship should be like…sorrows shared, sorrows halved, joys shared, joys doubled kind of people. Not constant arguments with Mr. Antagonist.

Any comments or suggestions welcome. I am soft-spoken and hesitant to make bold moves which has really been my downfall through this whole relationship.
Click to expand...
Time to cut this fool off. One poster suggested a slow fade. I am not sure about that. There are simply times to cut things off with a person. So if he does call or try to make contact again simply advise him that you have grown tired of his degrading attitude and that you no longer want to have any association with him.

Oh and he will try to argue. Don’t argue back. If he starts in simply say in return “That the current attitude he is displaying is what you are talking about.” (End of statement and conversation.) If on the phone hang up. If in person walk away. (I don’t recommend doing this in person.)

When you have cut the tie, go visit one of your other friends or take yourself out for a cup of coffee or tea. In other words, celebrate. I can guarantee you he is not going to change. You seem to have done your best, and now it is time to let go and move on.
 
The “slow fade” is the best but more importantly safest way to break it off.

It also works with boyfriends when you learn that they are either hot tempered or becoming possessive.

When you do speak to him just say very little. When he does press you for why you aren’t responding say things like- I’m just tired, just don’t have much to say, I don’t know why I’m not talkative, and speak in a monotone voice too.
 
Xantippe said:
Have you ever heard of “the slow fade”?

You don’t need to have a big end-of-friendship talk (which I think is inadvisable in this case), you just start spacing out your responses to his messages until one day, you just aren’t responding anymore.
Click to expand...
I disagree with this. It’s cowardly and its the way a lot of people handle things. I don’t find it very “Christian.” Unless you have good reason to think that this individual will endanger his or others’ lives over this, I don’t see why you should go this route.

Tell him lovingly, but firmly why you’re cutting off contact with him. Most people are not this direct. But he may someday appreciate the feedback you gave him that nobody else was willing to. Or he may not. But at least you cared enough about him to be honest and cared enough about yourself to stand up for yourself.

Now if you absolutely can’t face him, then don’t be direct, but I think you’ll both be better off with the direct approach.
 
SecretCatholic said:

“I disagree with this. It’s cowardly and its the way a lot of people handle things. I don’t find it very “Christian.” Unless you have good reason to think that this individual will endanger his or others’ lives over this, I don’t see why you should go this route.”

We don’t really know what he’s capable of. The OP has said that he’s volatile, blames everybody else for his problems and blows up at her regularly.

It sounds like he’s already had a lot of chances and I suspect he’s not fully in control of his behavior.

There really isn’t a relationship to salvage here.
 
SecretCatholic said:
I disagree with this. It’s cowardly and its the way a lot of people handle things. I don’t find it very “Christian.” Unless you have good reason to think that this individual will endanger his or others’ lives over this, I don’t see why you should go this route.

Tell him lovingly, but firmly why you’re cutting off contact with him. Most people are not this direct. But he may someday appreciate the feedback you gave him that nobody else was willing to. Or he may not. But at least you cared enough about him to be honest and cared enough about yourself to stand up for yourself.

Now if you absolutely can’t face him, then don’t be direct, but I think you’ll both be better off with the direct approach.
Click to expand...
He will get the message eventually even with the “slow fade”, but it’s my experience when you approach someone, tell him directly like that, it can add fuel to the fire.

People who hurt others a lot like that generally often already know they have this tendency but may deny it if confronted directly.

I like the gentle approach better.
 
A slow break is kinder, really. It just tapers off. If she (I assume the OP is a woman) cuts him off suddenly, she risks triggering that temper.
I would add to the OP:
Make sure you have friends who know about this…just in case he turns up at your door.
Have a support network in place. Probably nothing will happen, but we anonymous people on the internet can’t attest to anything because we’re not there.
Just be careful.
 
Xantippe said:
We don’t really know what he’s capable of. The OP has said that he’s volatile, blames everybody else for his problems and blows up at her regularly.
Click to expand...
That’s why I attached a condition to my statement. If he is going to become physically violent because of this, then that’s another thing altogether. But I don’t think that’s the norm, even with hostile people.
Xantippe said:
There really isn’t a relationship to salvage here.
Click to expand...
It’s not about salvaging a relationship. It’s about being upfront about why. This might help this person down the road, even if his ego rejects it at the moment.
ClearWater said:
He will get the message eventually even with the “slow fade”, but it’s my experience when you approach someone, tell him directly like that, it can add fuel to the fire.
Click to expand...
Maybe a little fire is good from time to time.

That said, I don’t wish the OP to go through a bad experience. Your method of choice is fully up to you.
 
  1. change phone number OR block person.
  2. delete on FB
problem SOLVED

expect 1 week recovery time/feeling lonely, and the rest of your life to say: yay!!!
 
Just don’t be available anymore. There’s nothing wrong with ending a friendship with someone who doesn’t treat you well.
 
I once had a friend like this…not as rude, but very manipulative. I too stayed longer than I should have, wanting to be patient, kind, and forgiving. I suffered from depression too, so I knew what she was going through and I wanted to help. I thought leaving her would put her over the edge as well. However, God eventually brought about circumstances that ended our friendship (thankfully, he did it for me since I didn’t have the guts to do it myself).

Let your friend go. Its actually best for him as well. He needs to learn he cannot treat other people like trash, despite his illness. By staying, you are enabling him in a way. Sometimes the best thing we can do for friends is walk away. As well, you have a duty to take care of yourself. I cut out my friend entirely, and it worked out best this way. I felt it would be dishonest to fade the friendship out. I actually thought it would be better for her that she should know, instead of always wondering what happened. Yes, it probably hurt at first, but I think it was better for her in the long run. However, you may feel differently, given your circumstances. In any case, please do limit your contact. You can even tell him, that you will only listen on the condition that he is civil and respectful, and that you will only listen for a set amount of time (example: one hour a week, max. Stick with it). If he is rude, remind him of your rules and end the conversation immediately.

Please don’t feel guilty. I stayed with my friend for so long on the basis of guilt. But it was not the right thing for either of us to remain friends.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top