Toxic "Friend"

[O_Sanctissima]

Wow…thanks for all the responses. I can’t reply to all of them, but I do thank everyone who took the time to share their thoughts.

I am naturally a very blunt, to-the-point person and I have tried on many occasions to tell him straightforwardly why I find his behavior to be unpleasant. I’ve threatened to leave the “friendship” and I have taken long breaks from it. He knows why I am upset, but it may well be he isn’t quite responsible for his actions and just isn’t making the connection. I have told him so many times how he is causing me anxiety and is hurting me, and I’d point out specific behaviors. I’ve really tried. He has told me repeatedly he doesn’t care about what I think, or about my feelings on the matter. It’s gotten to the point where I honestly feel physically ill even thinking about him. I haven’t deleted our correspondence, much as I would love to, just in case he turns out to be more than just emotionally abusive and I need a paper trail to back things up. I do NOT think it will go that far (I don’t think he’s capable at this point of doing anything other than screaming at people over the phone/email/etc. He never even gets out of his home) but I want to be safe just in case. I’ve quit FB over him (no great loss there, I guess).

So at this point, I don’t see how an announcement about leaving is going to help. Last time I tried that he turned hysterical. I think fading out is a better option, not only for him but also for me. I have no desire to try to salvage this- there is nothing to salvage. I won’t be missing him. I feel badly for him but I can’t think that I have some duty or obligation towards someone like that who can’t even practice basic respect towards their fellow man.

What really did me in on him (and I almost left the “friendship” over this one) was how abusive he was towards one of my friends. (Verbally/emotionally.) I’m so used to being treated like dirt since childhood that I ignored so much of what he said to me, but it just totally galled me how obnoxious he was to this friend who was nothing but gracious. I have no patience for people who treat people I love in such a terrible manner.

As for the person who asked what we argue about- absolutely nothing worth arguing about. Certainly nothing “big”. It’s virtually always him criticizing a figure of speech I used, the shoes I’m wearing, what I like to eat, my wardrobe…in short, anything and everything, and absolutely nothing that is his business.

 

[Cricket2]

Wow…thanks for all the responses. I can’t reply to all of them, but I do thank everyone who took the time to share their thoughts.

I am naturally a very blunt, to-the-point person and I have tried on many occasions to tell him straightforwardly why I find his behavior to be unpleasant. I’ve threatened to leave the “friendship” and I have taken long breaks from it. He knows why I am upset, but it may well be he isn’t quite responsible for his actions and just isn’t making the connection. I have told him so many times how he is causing me anxiety and is hurting me, and I’d point out specific behaviors. I’ve really tried. He has told me repeatedly he doesn’t care about what I think, or about my feelings on the matter. It’s gotten to the point where I honestly feel physically ill even thinking about him. I haven’t deleted our correspondence, much as I would love to, just in case he turns out to be more than just emotionally abusive and I need a paper trail to back things up. I do NOT think it will go that far (I don’t think he’s capable at this point of doing anything other than screaming at people over the phone/email/etc. He never even gets out of his home) but I want to be safe just in case. I’ve quit FB over him (no great loss there, I guess).

So at this point, I don’t see how an announcement about leaving is going to help. Last time I tried that he turned hysterical. I think fading out is a better option, not only for him but also for me. I have no desire to try to salvage this- there is nothing to salvage. I won’t be missing him. I feel badly for him but I can’t think that I have some duty or obligation towards someone like that who can’t even practice basic respect towards their fellow man.

What really did me in on him (and I almost left the “friendship” over this one) was how abusive he was towards one of my friends. (Verbally/emotionally.) I’m so used to being treated like dirt since childhood that I ignored so much of what he said to me, but it just totally galled me how obnoxious he was to this friend who was nothing but gracious. I have no patience for people who treat people I love in such a terrible manner.

As for the person who asked what we argue about- absolutely nothing worth arguing about. Certainly nothing “big”. It’s virtually always him criticizing a figure of speech I used, the shoes I’m wearing, what I like to eat, my wardrobe…in short, anything and everything, and absolutely nothing that is his business.

I am glad to hear you are determined to end this friendship. I do advise however, don’t be to sure about his ability to become physically abusive. You may just be seeing the surface of what he really is like. Be careful please.

 

[O_Sanctissima]

So a bit of an update on my situation:

This person has not contacted me for a long time, until very recently he sent me an email. Mostly it was just expressing that he hoped I was doing fine and he sent me a link to something I find semi-interesting. Ugh. That’s his classic make-up MO…I do think he means well but I KNOW this cycle will continue if I respond as if nothing happened. No phone calls or texts from him though, thankfully. Unfortunately the sight of that message in my inbox just resurrected all that stress from dealing with him.

I’m thinking of not responding to it, really, but maybe I should wait a week and send something back extremely short. As in “I’m fine, hope you are as well.” But honestly, I want to NOT do that…he may see that as me wanting him to reply…

Please keep me in your prayers that I can end this relationship safely and with the minimum of stress possible. Even thinking about this now has me so stressed…

 

[pianistclare]

So a bit of an update on my situation:

This person has not contacted me for a long time, until very recently he sent me an email. Mostly it was just expressing that he hoped I was doing fine and he sent me a link to something I find semi-interesting. Ugh. That’s his classic make-up MO…I do think he means well but I KNOW this cycle will continue if I respond as if nothing happened. No phone calls or texts from him though, thankfully. Unfortunately the sight of that message in my inbox just resurrected all that stress from dealing with him.

I’m thinking of not responding to it, really, but maybe I should wait a week and send something back extremely short. As in “I’m fine, hope you are as well.” But honestly, I want to NOT do that…he may see that as me wanting him to reply…

Please keep me in your prayers that I can end this relationship safely and with the minimum of stress possible. Even thinking about this now has me so stressed…

So if your gut tells you not to respond, don’t.
It’s that simple.
Keep inviting him back into your life, and you’re back to square one.
Good luck!

 

[O_Sanctissima]

So if your gut tells you not to respond, don’t.
It’s that simple.
Keep inviting him back into your life, and you’re back to square one.
Good luck!

:hug1: Thanks for that. You are exactly right. I think I just needed some affirmation…there is such a thing as being “too nice” when it causes me to become a verbal punching bag for someone else. I’ve forgiven him seventy times seven…it’s time to move on for good when he keeps treating me in that manner.

 

[Nan_S]

This person has not contacted me for a long time, until very recently he sent me an email. Mostly it was just expressing that he hoped I was doing fine and he sent me a link to something I find semi-interesting. Ugh. That’s his classic make-up MO…

I’m thinking of not responding to it, really, but maybe I should wait a week and send something back extremely short. As in “I’m fine, hope you are as well.” But honestly, I want to NOT do that…he may see that as me wanting him to reply…

Yes, he will see any response as a message that you’re willing to speak to him again. That’s what happened every other time. He’s tempting you to get back right back into the old cycle, and this time you need to resist the temptation. He may say he’d like your help, but he doesn’t want to change and you can’t do it for him.

I agree with Claire. Do NOT reply. Delete the message. While you’re at it, archive your previous email correspondence - both his messages and your replies - onto a flash drive (you said you wanted evidence to protect yourself). Then delete the messages from your active inbox, put his email address on your spam list, delete his name from your email address book, and block his phone number.

If you’ve ever spent time around Alcoholics Anonymous you will have heard there are three undeniable events that make an addict change behavior. (Yes, he is an addict; he’s addicted to emotionally abusing you and other women, and probably underneath that he’s also addicted to alcohol or drugs.) The three undeniable events are Loss of Employment, Loss of Family and Friends, and Loss of Health.

Give him a reason to change. Losing you forever may make him think twice before abusing someone else.