Toxic mother and her expectations of my husband

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catzklu

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I need advice, please. I am 49 and my 75 year old physically healthy, active and youthful narcissistic/toxic mother lives only a few miles from me. All last summer and into the fall, my husband was doing all of my Dad’s yard work because he was fighting cancer. I was taking him and my mom to nearly all appointments. My dad died in October, and my husband (who works full time) asked that my mother ask him if she needed yard work done outside of mowing (gutters, leaves, etc.) She threw a fit, screaming she would NEVER ask, that he should just do those jobs without being asked. She has a history of being passive aggressive with us, and my husband decided he would stand his ground and insisted he would do no yard work until she gave him the respect to sit down and discuss expectations. After all, Dad is not coming back. This is a permanent situation. I backed him up, and she proceeded to scream at me outside the church after Mass last week. She literally snarled in my face, shaking her finger in it, and threatened to move. Since then, we haven’t spoken, and she posts passive aggressive things on Facebook. She also has almost a split personality. She is very charming to outsiders, they would never know how awful she’s talked about just about everyone she’s ever come in contact with. It’s making me crazy. I’ve struggled with the Fourth Commandment, and talked to my priest. He says I’m not morally wrong for wanting to stay away from her toxicity. He said my only moral obligation right now is to pray for her. My question is, what do “normal” families do? Is it wrong to want her to work expectations out with my husband? He works 50+ hours a week, and still has our big yard to do. My mother is a different breed, she withholds love when we don’t meet her expectations. My health can’t take much more stress.
 
Don’t feel bad.

If the yard is too much for her, your mom can get an apartment. If she has the money, she could hire it out. Heck, she could do it herself.

Doing that lawn is just way too much regular contact with your mother, given what she’s like.

Edited to add: Give your husband a hug and thank him for putting up with the craziness–and make sure he doesn’t have to do it anymore unless it’s a dire need.
 
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Thank you! She threatened to move away as in far away from us, and given her personality, I can’t say it would be a bad idea. She’s cut everyone in our family out if her life one by one because they didn’t treat her exactly how she wanted. I’m literally the last one standing…or not…
 
The 4th commandment does NOT call us to be abused.

Your mother is abusing you and your husband verbally.

She is also turning him into her “emotional spouse” which is as eww as it sounds.

Your priest is 100% right. Your duty is to pray for your mother, and perhaps encourage her to move into a condo or apartment that she can manage.

Especally if you have children you need to set an example of how you allow yourself to be treated.
 
That’s what I was thinking, too. It’s amazing how people think that “your mother is your mother is your mother” and think because all they see is her charming self, I should go to her and make up.
 
catzklu said:
My question is, what do “normal” families do?
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Normal families talk rationally, work together towards mutually agreeable solutions, are grateful for help, don’t want to take advantage of others, respect boundaries, and reciprocate when people go out of their way to help.
catzklu said:
it wrong to want her to work expectations out with my husband?
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Frankly it’s generous of your husband to do anything at all. He could, after all, simply set the expectation that she hire a yard service.

So no, he has every right to expect an expectation discussion and in fact SET the expectations regarding what he will and will not do.
catzklu said:
My mother is a different breed, she withholds love when we don’t meet her expectations.
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Cut her. She isn’t going to change and you cannot please her. Simply tell her your husband was happy to help in a pinch and from now on she can hire a service.

Let her rant.
Ignore.
Rinse.
Repeat.
 
Normal families do as your husband did; they help during a crisis and when asked during non-crisis but aren’t going to play property manager to someone elses home.
 
Ah, rational discussion…something she is not familiar with. All GREAT advice, thank you.
 
Good for you for standing your ground and backing your husband.

Her, ehm offering, to move sounds like a blessing in disguise. She is 75 and you are the only one she talks to, if she wants to do this to herself, don’t waste your mental energy and anguish on this situation. Let her go.
 
Cut her out of your life until she treats you the way you deserve to be treated.
 
I haven’t spoken to her since her latest outburst eleven days ago. She’s been swiping at us passive aggressively on Facebook, but I don’t respond.
 
God bless your husband and you. Your mom may have a change of heart once it’s lawn mowing season. 😏

You and your husband have set the boundaries. It is up to your mom to take it or leave it. Personally, I would not want my husband obligated to take of mowing her lawn all the time. Maybe trimming bushes and raking leaves, but mowing is taxing on his time as well as his energy. She should hire a teen in her neighborhood or a service.

If she threatens to move away, you can wish her well and help her pack.
 
Unfollow her on FB so you don’t see it. She won’t know it like if you unfriended her but you won’t have the emotional hits of seeing your mom say hurtful things.

I’ve done this to quite a few people that I care about but have no desire to ride their drama train. You can’t change people but you can change how much influence they have in your life.
 
I really appreciate all the (name removed by moderator)ut. I’m dreading Saturday morning, because I’m going to a daily Mass that’s being said for my deceased dad on his birthday, and I know she will be there, too. Pray for my courage and strength to continue standing up to her.
 
Ignore her. Catering to her tantrums only reinforces bad behavior. She may finally get the message that she has to be polite in order to interact with other adults. Meanwhile, enjoy the peace and quiet. Your husband deserves a break too.
 
I would suggest staying away from her at the Mass. If she approaches you and tries to start something, you can just say “This isn’t the time or place”.
 
Very excellent advice, thank you. I will definitely try that if she starts something. I’m really so grateful for all the advice I’ve received here.
 
Yes, she has always been this way, unfortunately. I have been told she seems to have narcissistic personality disorder. It’s not been an easy thing to navigate.
 
No, and the only family left she had cut off years ago for not bending to her will. They want nothing to do with her. I’m pretty much all she has, but her treatment of me is wearing thin.
 
Thank you for your response. I have always treated her with respect and kindness, despite not receiving the same in kind. It’s been a lifetime of emotional and spiritual abuse, plus verbal and physical when I was growing up. It has never been an easy relationship with her, and now even my husband and son have to deal with the emotional games from her. It’s very frustrating and disheartening at times. After 25 years with my husband, I’ve finally had the guts to stand up for him. She is not happy about that. Her motto is “You can always have more husbands, but you only have one mother.” Her motto does not fall in line with the Sacrament of Marriage. Unfortunately, for many years after we got married, every decision I made was only done through her approval. It caused a lot of tension between my husband and his family, because my mother was very jealous of them and always disapproved of any time we spent with them, especially if it was a holiday. I am finally able to pull away and see the big picture and make healthy decisions for myself and for my family. These issues just scratch the surface of an entire painful history

You are right, it drives me crazy all too often. I know she cannot give me the kind of mother that would be nurturing, loving, and encouraging. I pray for her every day. I will continue to help her when I’m needed, if she can ask in a normal fashion. I know she’s capable, because she is nice to everyone else. She also was capable this week a couple of times already when she needed my husband to do stuff for her. I will be there for her if she physically fails. Right now she is very healthy, very active, very financially capable to take care of herself. She does NOT ask to spend time with us that doesn’t involve us doing something for her. If we want to have dinner with her, or do anything recreational, we have to invite her. Meanwhile, she is out with her friends for dinners, movies, etc.

I am no longer angry with her, just weary. I am wounded deeply, and have been in counseling for four months now to help me sort through a lifetime of abuses. I have not abandoned her, but I am limiting my exposure to the toxicity and learning how to step away when she gets out of control and tries to hurt me or my family. I’m not sure how each day will play out with her, it’s always something it seems. I’m trying to figure this out as I go along. I have to tell myself each day that I’m no longer the child she could control, but an adult with my own family and my own decisions

I will always pray for peace in my soul, and I ask for your prayers for me as well. Also please pray for a conversion of my mother’s heart. We all have that mustard seed.
 
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