Toxic Parents of my GF

  • Thread starter Thread starter JoyIsLikeRain
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
J

JoyIsLikeRain

Guest
Long story short:

The parents of my girlfriend live out of state. She and I are both between the ages of 28-31.

They know we’re practising Catholics, living in chastity, with steady jobs and degrees.

Every time I’ve met the parents, always in another state than my own, they have gone out of their way to be extremely rude, disrespectful, and make it known to me that I’m not welcome. They fail at even faking being polite. This isn’t an exaggeration - they’ve done this to other boyfriends of their (adult) daughters, and one daughter has left the home and cut off all communication.

My girlfriend has defended them constantly, stating “that’s how they are,” and “they can treat me, or my sister’s boyfriend like that, too.”

I told her I am so tired of this. I want to love her and go forward in our relationship, but we’re not the Capulets and Montagues. I told her I am offended by their constant disrespect and deliberate ignorance, but it’s not my place to confront them. I have always been kind and polite to the parents; never talking about myself, and always I get a inundation of rude, miserable, passive-aggressive behavior.

My girlfriend has finally decided to talk to them about their behavior, over the phone. I told her I will be there for her, and her parents are always welcome to contact me vs complaining to my GF.

Please pray for my girlfriend and her family.

This family is hanging like a pall over us…calling her at all hours, making her cry every time (parents and siblings alike), guilt trips, insults, put-downs, gossip, and now it’s heading my way, too (siblings and parents all like to gossip about me and my gf).

I am praying if God will lead me to stay in this, or if we should cordially part ways. Please keep us in your prayers.
 
JoyIsLikeRain said:
Yes, we’ve been sailing thru a lot of calm and stormy weather.
Click to expand...
Heavy sigh.

I think I may have posted on the first thread. It seems like not much has really changed in all that time. I find her “cheerful” comment about meeting her parents and then deciding if you want to keep dating her manipulative and immature.

What is the correct response to that? Okay? Or no dear, none of that matters? (It does, and I think you know that.)

I think that her family has, and will continue to be a factor in your happiness. They are not going to change and if they are like this now I can only imagine what they will seem like to you should you end up marrying her.

Weren’t they the ones pushing you into getting engaged or something very early on in your relationship?
 
Irishmom2 said:
Heavy sigh.

I think I may have posted on the first thread. It seems like not much has really changed in all that time. I find her “cheerful” comment about meeting her parents and then deciding if you want to keep dating her manipulative and immature.

What is the correct response to that? Okay? Or no dear, none of that matters? (It does, and I think you know that.)

I think that her family has, and will continue to be a factor in your happiness. They are not going to change and if they are like this now I can only imagine what they will seem like to you should you end up marrying her.

Weren’t they the ones pushing you into getting engaged or something very early on in your relationship?
Click to expand...
Yes…3 months in they called her, asking if I proposed (and they weren’t joking). We laughed it off at the time.

I told my own family about them. They’re understandably worried. The family of my GF has never asked about my family…my own family, that enjoys my GF and treats her like a human being worthy of respect and dignity.

We have built-up a relationship, but now I see it so different. It’s cycling around this vortex of a large, unhappy, dysfunctional family. I never tell her to abandon them or cease all contact with them. But my limited exposure to these people have produced a lot of hurt to the both of us.
 
3 months is crazy.

I would never wish after 3 months of dating that my son or daughter was considering marrying someone that quickly. And the fact that they are wishing for it never having even met you, is just bizarre. Really.

I am actually surprised to hear that you are still with her, but not surprised to hear that things are chock full of problems. 😊
 
Irishmom2 said:
Heavy sigh.

I think I may have posted on the first thread. It seems like not much has really changed in all that time. I find her “cheerful” comment about meeting her parents and then deciding if you want to keep dating her manipulative and immature.

What is the correct response to that? Okay? Or no dear, none of that matters? (It does, and I think you know that.)

I think that her family has, and will continue to be a factor in your happiness. They are not going to change and if they are like this now I can only imagine what they will seem like to you should you end up marrying her.

Weren’t they the ones pushing you into getting engaged or something very early on in your relationship?
Click to expand...
This, especially the bold. Your girlfriend needs to understand that they can’t treat you like they have been doing. How likely that is, I don’t know.

Think about not only their behaviour now, but how it will be if you get married. How it will be if you have children, and how they will act towards your children. In an ideal world, your girlfriend would acknowledge this and do her best to change her relationship (and not defend her parents!) but again, this may not happen.

I hope you are able to make the right decision, OP. I don’t envy you with it at all.

Lou
 
I would say to say far away from the gossip and judgments, if you can help it.

I get that is how her parents are. However, that doesn’t mean that your girlfriend needs to accept that behavior from them. Also, if she wants to accept that behavior from them, fine, but she shouldn’t expect you to accept it. Sure, we are to honor our parents, but I don’t think that includes dealing with rude, disrespectful, etc. behavior.

Perhaps she doesn’t need to answer the phone every time they call, and she doesn’t have to call them back every time they call. Maybe she can space out communications by phone and more by email. Maybe that would help better deal with her parents better.
 
I posted on that earlier thread, and wondered what happened.

In this case, IMHO if you marry her you are also marrying her family. She can talk to them all she wants, but they are very unlikely to change: If anything they will resent you more, because they’ll see you as the instigator and seem to need little reason to dislike someone.

Candidly, I see you having these choices: split up, or marry and assume her family will continue to behave as they have. IMHO it’s really that stark. Further, there are in fact all sorts of dealbreakers in relationships, and “having a truly nasty family that will not respect anyone’s boundaries” would make my list.
 
In your place, I’d take your girlfriend and have a long talk with the sisters who have been through this, both those who left and those who have not. I think your girlfriend’s sister who has left will be very frank with both of you concerning the cost and benefit of her choice. You will both have choices to make after that.

In any event, I would not marry unless I thought the problem were taken care of in an acceptable manner. Not sort-of OK, but a situation where I thought my spouse-to-be was doing the best that could be done under the circumstances AND the circumstances were something I could tolerate.

Note: The definition of “best that could be done under the circumstances” is up to you. You do not get to second-guess whether you approve of your spouse’s way of handling this. Your prospective spouse gets to choose and you get to say, “yes, I agree that is an acceptable option. I will stay around for that.” You don’t decide for her, but you do decide for yourself. You also don’t let her decide for you and then punish her for that choice later. You both have to choose for yourselves how it ought to be handled and you both have to decide whether or not the other one has made a choice that you can live with for a lifetime.
 
How important is this girl to you? Do you see her as being in your long-term future?

If so, in my part of the world, it’s understood that when you marry someone, you are marrying the family.

So if you consider her as “being the one,” your options are a) putting up with the familial dynamic “for better or worse,” or b) moving 5,000 miles from them (if she will go along with that).

Otherwise, you may need to reassess the nature of your relationship. Sad, but life in general is not easy or comforting.

God Bless and ICXC NIKA
 
The last 4 posts say it (from Lou’s onwards).

If she stands up to them healthfully she will have to live her life as an adult orphan and you have to reckon whether you can be her suitable support without at all being a “rescuer”.

Family hangups always transmit - even if the form overtly varies. How is Mrs JILR going to treat her own children, neighbours, friends etc in 20 years time?

Doesn’t she have other friends besides her sister and you, who can be frank with you both?

For that matter how do her parents treat everyone else in their lives and around them? Do her parents treat each other decently?

Thus sayeth the bachelor! 😉
 
JoyIsLikeRain said:
Long story short:

The parents of my girlfriend live out of state. She and I are both between the ages of 28-31.

They know we’re practising Catholics, living in chastity, with steady jobs and degrees.

Every time I’ve met the parents, always in another state than my own, they have gone out of their way to be extremely rude, disrespectful, and make it known to me that I’m not welcome. They fail at even faking being polite. This isn’t an exaggeration - they’ve done this to other boyfriends of their (adult) daughters, and one daughter has left the home and cut off all communication.

My girlfriend has defended them constantly, stating “that’s how they are,” and “they can treat me, or my sister’s boyfriend like that, too.”

I told her I am so tired of this. I want to love her and go forward in our relationship, but we’re not the Capulets and Montagues. I told her I am offended by their constant disrespect and deliberate ignorance, but it’s not my place to confront them. I have always been kind and polite to the parents; never talking about myself, and always I get a inundation of rude, miserable, passive-aggressive behavior.

My girlfriend has finally decided to talk to them about their behavior, over the phone. I told her I will be there for her, and her parents are always welcome to contact me vs complaining to my GF.

Please pray for my girlfriend and her family.

This family is hanging like a pall over us…calling her at all hours, making her cry every time (parents and siblings alike), guilt trips, insults, put-downs, gossip, and now it’s heading my way, too (siblings and parents all like to gossip about me and my gf).

I am praying if God will lead me to stay in this, or if we should cordially part ways. Please keep us in your prayers.
Click to expand...
Do you want to marry this woman?

If you don’t, move on and don’t waste any more of her time.

But if you do want to marry her, you need to make it very clear that the two of you need appropriate boundaries with her parents. Talking to a therapist or priest would be a very good idea to figure out what that would look like.

But again, don’t waste her time if you do not wish to spend the rest of your life with her.
 
As far as “gossip,” it’s natural that in a large family, you’re going to be talked about, because you are the “news.” So, I wouldn’t panic about that particular aspect of their behavior.
 
Vic_Taltrees_UK said:
The last 4 posts say it (from Lou’s onwards).

If she stands up to them healthfully she will have to live her life as an adult orphan and you have to reckon whether you can be her suitable support without at all being a “rescuer”.

Family hangups always transmit - even if the form overtly varies. How is Mrs JILR going to treat her own children, neighbours, friends etc in 20 years time?

Doesn’t she have other friends besides her sister and you, who can be frank with you both?

For that matter how do her parents treat everyone else in their lives and around them? Do her parents treat each other decently?

Thus sayeth the bachelor! 😉
Click to expand...
She has broken down in tears over how her mother “manipulates” her father.
The parents openly disrescted the boyfriend of another daughter, plus his parents, to their faces the first time they met.

I have realized I might be playing the role of a rescuer all this time.
 
JoyIsLikeRain said:
She has broken down in tears over how her mother “manipulates” her father.
The parents openly disrescted the boyfriend of another daughter, plus his parents, to their faces the first time they met.

I have realized I might be playing the role of a rescuer all this time.
Click to expand...
Right. And, as you’ve noticed, it doesn’t work if she doesn’t want to be rescued.
 
You have gotten lots of good advice and I enjoyed reading the answers.

I had an alcoholic parent and came into the Church in my early 20’s. It was so awesome to come into the light of Christ, out of that darkness that alcoholism is. I am grateful to God every day for his kindness. I must add that I had a faithful grandmother who prayed the rosary every day and she was delighted to find out from my parent how I’ve gone over the deep end by going to Church.

I was very fortunate to be able to spend time with Catholic families, see how they love each other, how they treat each other. It was a wonderful breath of fresh air compared to what I came out of. I soaked it in like a sponge. What I grew up with could slowly be replaced with something life giving. It’s a wonderful gift to be Catholic, to be taught what sin is, to be able to go to the sacraments, and to break the chains of repetition of sinful patterns. I think your girlfriend would also benefit greatly from spending time with Catholic families. We have a home schooling Catholic circle where I am. These are folks who practice NFP (natural family planning) and I found them to be pretty amazing. Of course no one is perfect but from where I came from, it was a remedy that I very much needed. For example, regardless of what hurtful things were said in my family (they shouldn’t have been said at all) no one ever said “I’m sorry”. What poverty. That is very much the climate your gf grew up in and knows to her bones. I hope she can find some families to hang out with, to learn new patterns of relating to people. It’s time to take advantage of that. My best to both of you.
 
JoyIsLikeRain said:
She has broken down in tears over how her mother “manipulates” her father.
The parents openly disrescted the boyfriend of another daughter, plus his parents, to their faces the first time they met.

I have realized I might be playing the role of a rescuer all this time.
Click to expand...
I’d be a little careful with the “rescuer” label. Do keep asking yourself what results you expect to come from your actions, do ask yourself where the boundaries of personal responsibility are in this family group and whether your presence is encouraging healthy or counter-productive family dynamics. Do ask if a change from what you see to something you’d be willing to call healthy dynamics is something your girlfriend is realistically likely to accept before you marry her.

There is an old old saying among family therapists: A dysfunctional family can be defined as any family with more than one person in it.

You are not going to find someone to marry who is not from a dysfunctional family. Our Lord went to Jerusalem when he was 13 years old, his parents left town without him assuming he was with the party somewhere, and when they caught up with him the conversation between the two sinless members of the family was highly recognizable to anyone with a teen: “Son, why have you done this to us? Your father and I have been looking for you with great anxiety.” And he said to them, “Why were you looking for me? Did you not know…."

Don’t expect that your situation is unique because you are courting someone from an exceptionally dysfunctional family. You would be shocked to know how many of those are out there. Do keep asking yourself if you’re in a relationship where healthy behaviors are likely to be planted and increase over the years, if the effort is made. If healthy ways of meeting the inevitable challenges of family life are getting too much practical resistance even after a certain amount of trying, you’re ought to force yourself to move on.

In other words, if you are put in a position of over-compensating for other family members because they will not (not cannot, but will not) do their part to act in ways that are as healthy as we poor frail humans normally manage to act, then yes, that might warrant the label of “rescuer.” The willingness to play an appropriate role in the changing of a long-standing family dynamic by your decisions as a couple does not put you in that category.
 
EasterJoy said:
If healthy ways of meeting the inevitable challenges of family life are getting too much practical resistance even after a certain amount of trying, you’re ought to force yourself to move on.
Click to expand...
I will remember that.

I know they’re imperfect, and I know people aren’t around forever.

But, ugly first and second impressions worry me. Perhaps a third is needed? It seems as though they’ve tried to make their message clear to me - don’t talk to us.
 
Ok, I am going to say it.

Why are so many people that are responding sounding like Joy should hang in there no matter what, like there is no one else out there, like it is somehow his responsibility to rescue her, or that he should sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of his girlfriend?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top