Toxic personalities on their deathbed

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whiteyacht

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For those of you who have made the decision to dissociate your family from another family member due to said member’s toxic personality, what did you/would you do when that person is dying?

You can see my post in the prayer intentions forum if you would like the background (nak). Thanks for sharing.
 
Go see him. Even if the experience turns out to be negative you won’t spend anytime second guessing yourself after he’s gone.
 
Steel yourself and go. Take a trusted somebody with you.

Don’t expect, bad or good.

Don’t stay forever.

When he is gone, you will know that YOU did everything required of YOU.
 
From personal experience with my FIL, I would say go see him. My wife was with her dad when he died and she said that she would have regretted it if she wasn’t. This was a man that didn’t attend our wedding because he used money to control my wife before we got married and he lost that control when I came along.

Prayers for you and your dad.
 
I thanked God when he was dead and couldn’t hurt me anymore. 🤷

Since then, I’ve converted to the Church, and spent a lot of time working on forgiving my father. I had to do it for ME, to get that hatred and bitterness out of my own heart. It certainly never bothered him that I hated him for what he’d done to us. I’ve even managed to say a couple prayers for him. I suppose there’s a chance even he made it to the lowest rung of purgatory. Stranger things have happened. 🤷
 
About 2 months before the sudden death of a family member, I decided to have it out once and for all… I went and saw that person… told them I loved them but they had hurt me… person apologized and we totally made up… something i never thought possible… then 2 mos later died very suddenly. I thanked God for that precious gift he gave me because I would have hated myself if we never cleared the air…
 
Dear Whiteyacht,

I have had to do that same painful thing:Cut a toxic loved one out of my life-a sister.

Although, Dan hurt you and is very toxic for you, God may use you to get through to him before it’s too late.

This is what I’d do: Call him up (if he can still recieve calls and speak, that is) and tell him you want to see him, if he doesn’t mind.
OR ask his other family if they can see if he would agree to a visit from you.
If you get the okay, go and see him. Tell him you love him and that you forgive him for his nastiness, even if he isn’t sorry. Tell him that you will be praying for him.
If you get any nastiness or mean behavior from him, then leave with a big I Love You and do not return.
Cry. A Lot.
Then continue praying for his toxicity to evaporate.

Sometimes toxic people/narcissists lose their meaness when they are dying…they get scared enough at judgement to behave at least. Maybe you’ll have a nice chat and clear the air.

Don’t feel guilty, though!!! I struggle with feeling responsible and feeling guilty for merely protecting myself and my family from a drunken narcissist sister who hit on my teen boys and their friends and my husband and my friends’ husbands and drove her kids around drunk with a cooler packed by their seats.

God Bless your efforts!
~Danni
 
This is putting tears in my eyes…

My mother is currently terminally ill with Stage 3 cancer. She also has dementia and lives in a secure unit at a nursing home. That means that she doesn’t remember the things she did that caused my brother and I to distance ourselves from her. But we do.

It is very hard to go and see her. But I do. And yes, afterwards I cry for the past and the present about her.
 
funnyyetsavvy said:
This is putting tears in my eyes…

My mother is currently terminally ill with Stage 3 cancer. She also has dementia and lives in a secure unit at a nursing home. That means that she doesn’t remember the things she did that caused my brother and I to distance ourselves from her. But we do.

It is very hard to go and see her. But I do. And yes, afterwards I cry for the past and the present about her.
Click to expand...
:console:
 
Thanks Outin

😦 I don’t talk about it much…maybe I should be talking about it more, I don’t know…
 
My husband’s maternal family were so abusive to him, that for the last five years, we have had utterly no contact with them. His grandmother died last December and his uncle died in August. His conscience is clear. He has an aunt (his mother’s sister) who was more of a mother to him than his own mother. We have a wonderful relationship with her.

The turning point for him was at his ordination to the permanent diaconate five years ago. He was struggling with not inviting his mother and grandmother, but a very good priest friend of ours told him that inviting them would be the right thing to do. His mother and grandmother started yelling and swearing at his aunt IN THE CATHEDRAL. Then they started in on me to his aunt.

Sometimes, you have to shake the dust off your feet. If guilt is your motivation, you probably won’t get much satisfaction from the visit. Being a Christian does not equal being a doormat. (((((HUG)))))
 
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