Toxic sister

[ouioui]

To try to make this story short… my sister, ever since my parent’s divorced in 1986 (she was 8, I was almost 5), has been abusive towards me physically, emotionally and verbally. There was a time when I was 6-7 yrs old where she was beating me up in the front yard on the grass kicking me (in Mexico, mom was working, our maid/sitter was inside) and the neighbor had to get her off of me. This went on until I was about 17 when I stood up to her and so did my 14 yr old brother.

Fastfoward to 2 yrs ago. I had cosigned a school loan for her Master’s degree (which she never finished), and she never paid it. We have been in the US since 1994 and she decided to get married and move to Mexico and left all her debt here. So then I get a call from the Federal school loans saying I needed to pay $20K or they would garnish my wages. Mind you, I only work 20 hrs a wk and have a 3 yr old daughter, a house, and bills to pay and my husband’s job is not stable (construction). My parents had to answer for her and paid the money so that I didn’t have to go w/o money.

Then comes last wk. My mom always butts in when I try to discipline my daughter. I was trying to let it go and then my daughter was being her toddler tantruming self and I tried to correct her behaviour and my mom butts in and calls me a tantruming immature child (when I’m the most mature of her 3 kids). So I got up and said I was leaving so I wouldn’t disrespect her. Oh, I forgot to mention, my sister moved back from Mexico last month. In all of this, my mom grabs my daughter and won’t give her back. I got mad and said “We’ll see when you see her again then”, and I took my DD and I go towards the front door. While opening it, my sister gets up and starts storming to the door to try and hit me but my mom stops her half way.

I got home and told DH about this and made him block my sister from all social media and from his phone. I did the same. The reason why I did this is because not only was I carrying my 3 yr old, but my sister knows I’m pregnant (my parents don’t know yet). I was LIVID and could not believe that at 35 yrs of age she would act this way. She has alway been horrible to me so I’m not even sure why this surprises me. I forgave about the money situation only because my parents helped me out, but this I don’t feel like I can forgive.

Am I over reacting? I saw her 2 days ago at my aunt’s house for a party, but I didn’t talk to her. I stayed away all day but she was being all nice and chatty with my DH (which bothered me a lot). I just don’t know if I should just cut her off completely or what. If she was going to hit me while pregnant and holding my DD, what else is she capable of???

Sorry this was so long. Thanks if you read this far.

 

[1ke]

I guess when we grow up with crazy we discount the behavior and have to ask on a forum if we are wrong for discontinuing contact with people who are ready to physically assault us.

Hmmm…

Get some professional counseling so you can see just how bad your sister AND your mother really are and can find the courage to get away from both of them.

 

[ouioui]

Oh don’t get me wrong, my mom is angel except for when it comes to my DD and trying to “teach” me how to parent. She adores me and my DD.

But you are right about my sister. Makes me sad in a way because now that she’s married I thought she would have changed. And to think she works with abused kids

 

[EasterJoy]

Heaven help the person who thinks marriage or ordination changes anybody. It changes their duties and give the grace to do them, but it does not change basic character traits.

You are teaching your mother how much correction and what kind of correction you will accept. She does not get to decide that; you do. You get to decide how you are going to parent your own daughter, too. Your mother’s capacity is entirely advisory, and it is right for you to impress that upon her how much and what kind of advice you welcome and how much unwelcome advice you are willing to tolerate. You may want to spell that out more specifically in a calm moment. If this kind of thing happens again, act as you told your mother beforehand that you would. It may take awhile, but she is probably capable of accepting the natural consequences that you firmly enforce in defense of your own boundaries. She may not like them, but she can learn to expect when to run into them.

 

[EasterJoy]

I guess when we grow up with crazy we discount the behavior and have to ask on a forum if we are wrong for discontinuing contact with people who are ready to physically assault us.

Hmmm…

Get some professional counseling so you can see just how bad your sister AND your mother really are and can find the courage to get away from both of them.

This.

Also, ask yourself whether to tell your parents about the loan issue and ask them to consider putting the settlement of such loans in their estate plan. Don’t tell them that they need to do it, but you can ask them to consider it as something that would serve the cause of fairness, since you will otherwise simply have to eat the loan that their other heir dumped on you in gratitude for your sisterly support.

 

[Country_Gal]

I guess when we grow up with crazy we discount the behavior and have to ask on a forum if we are wrong for discontinuing contact with people who are ready to physically assault us.

Hmmm…

Get some professional counseling so you can see just how bad your sister AND your mother really are and can find the courage to get away from both of them.

Ditto.

Your family is more than dysfunctional. Wow.

 

[Country_Gal]

Oh don’t get me wrong, my mom is angel except for when it comes to my DD and trying to “teach” me how to parent. She adores me and my DD.

But you are right about my sister. Makes me sad in a way because now that she’s married I thought she would have changed. And to think she works with abused kids

Your mother sounds terrible to me. It sounds like you are caught up in abuse cycle, with you being the victim. Abusers are always nice during the make up period.

Unfortunately, this is a $20,000 lesson. You’d better work out a payment plan, when you co-sign a loan that means you are taking the loan out for a bad credit risk.

 

[DaveBj]

Your mother sounds terrible to me. It sounds like you are caught up in abuse cycle, with you being the victim. Abusers are always nice during the make up period.

Unfortunately, this is a $20,000 lesson. You’d better work out a payment plan, when you co-sign a loan that means you are taking the loan out for a bad credit risk.

???

OP said that her parents paid it off.

I have no family experience that is helpful, but I have known some toxic people. The way that I have handled them is to avoid them. That’s not so easy to do when they are siblings.

 

[Country_Gal]

???

OP said that her parents paid it off.

I have no family experience that is helpful, but I have known some toxic people. The way that I have handled them is to avoid them. That’s not so easy to do when they are siblings.

I went back to reread, I did miss that part. Apologies.

 

[SybilMolly]

Keep yourself, and your daughter away from both of these toxic people is my suggestion. Your mother grabbed your daughter and refused to give her back? Your sister was hitting you?

 

[SecretaryMonday]

I guess when we grow up with crazy we discount the behavior and have to ask on a forum if we are wrong for discontinuing contact with people who are ready to physically assault us.

Hmmm…

Get some professional counseling so you can see just how bad your sister AND your mother really are and can find the courage to get away from both of them.

… It sounds like you are caught up in abuse cycle, with you being the victim. Abusers are always nice during the make up period. …

:sad_yes:

So sorry for the troubles that you have experienced, ouioui. You are NOT overreacting. Your family probably cannot change (at least not very much) but you can change how you deal with them and what boundaries will be set. You have learned that they just can’t be trusted in certain areas. It is possible to love and respect family without letting them hurt you.

…And to think she works with abused kids

I’m a little scared for those kids…

 

[fin]

So true. I have a sibling whom we deem an emotional vampire, a toxic person. She frequently gets mad and scolds and bullies others, acts like the victim (when she’s not; in fact she’s the aggressor), being overly critical and likes repeating what so and so did wrong. I’m praying for her always and her healing and conversion. I posted a thread about it before: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=781211

I don’t know what advice to give but like what others said, stay away from her as much as possible.

???

I have no family experience that is helpful, but I have known some toxic people. The way that I have handled them is to avoid them. That’s not so easy to do when they are siblings.

 

[holyrood]

As others said, stay away. You have every right, and I think even a responsibility toward your daughter and unborn child, to stay away from a person who would physically assault you.

I’ve posted here about my own family. When my sister, probably 40 at the time, went into her second melt-down rage, two years running, over Christmas dinner, I said enough. You’re right, women in their 30s and 40s should not be behaving like that.

And I’m not too impressed with your mother, either. Among reasons I stay away from my parents is also that: they have tried to slap my children right in front of me, informing me that I’m not disciplining them well enough. In fact, my mother did slap my son, right in front of me. This is totally inappropriate. They are not her children, and you’re an adult.

 

[jazzy0710]

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If she was going to hit me while pregnant and holding my DD, what else is she capable of???

.

EXACTLY! I’d ask myself the same question if I were in your situation. She’s VERY toxic. I’d cut her off.