Transgender Niece - what do we do?

[Musician]

My beloved niece has decided that she is really a man. And not just a man, but a gay man.
She dresses very goth and radical, is a vocal, obnoxious atheist, and lives out her fantasy life on the Internet where she finds these wackos to encourage her aberrant behavior. She stays in her room all the time on her computer, unless she is at her job at a video games store.
Her partner, a girl, also wants to become a gay man. They are both 22 and on hormones that make them grow facial hair and deepen their voices. I am shocked and saddened that there are therapists out there who are making a living encouraging this ridiculous behavior.
As you may tell, I am strongly against this move because I know she was always a girly-girl and has never, until now, shown the slightest inclination to be a male. If she had always been a tomboy or had obvious masculine features I would be able to understand it.
As it is, I refuse to accept this as normal. My whole family is trying to be accepting, etc, but I feel strongly that my niece is going down a horrible path, and I am NOT going to condone it. I know that it is the popular thing nowadays to encourage people to do whatever they want to do, but don’t ask me to accept it.
Question: How do I handle this with my extended family? They will call me a bigot.
Do I go to see my niece? If so, why and how?
I totally do not know how to handle this situation.

 

[Will_B]

Unfortunately, our country has fallen for one big lie after another… To make matters worse, our teachers and some medical professionals are promoting the lies.

It’s the frog in the pot syndrome… Take a frog and put him in a hot pot of water and he will jump out to save his life… Take the same frog, put him in cool water… Put the pot on the stove and turn up the heat… Poor frog will cook and not even know it…

Our youth are being cooked and don’t even know it… They believe they are right…

All you can do is love your niece and let her know you don’t agree with her chosen life path.

 

[domandcarols]

Um… Get as far away from your family as possible and pray for them…

 

[dudeist]

I agree with Will. You do not have to condone the behavior to still be a loving presence in her life. There is a fine line between support and tolerance, and often tolerance gets confused with support. Sometimes the “vocal, obnoxious atheists” are the ones who need love the most.

 

[bmullins]

Love her. She’s a sinner just like the rest of us. Live your Catholic life in as perfect an example as you can, and make sure that she knows what the church teaches. Then pray for her. We don’t stop seeing people when we find out they are gossips, but we think we should throw others out for their sins. All of them offend God. All of them need God. All of them are loved by God.

 

[The_Bucket]

Given her previous disposition towards being a “girly-girl” as you put it, this reeks of antisocial behavior as opposed to some kind of deep-seeded gender confusion. And given that it’s being done in tandem, it again seems like much more a cry for help or an attempt to fit in somewhere as opposed to a gender identity crisis. I hesitate to provide any practical advice for addressing the issue, but I think you’ve got plenty of ammunition to arm yourself to combat this decision when discussing the situation with family members.

 

[meltzerboy]

My beloved niece has decided that she is really a man. And not just a man, but a gay man.
She dresses very goth and radical, is a vocal, obnoxious atheist, and lives out her fantasy life on the Internet where she finds these wackos to encourage her aberrant behavior. She stays in her room all the time on her computer, unless she is at her job at a video games store.
Her partner, a girl, also wants to become a gay man. They are both 22 and on hormones that make them grow facial hair and deepen their voices. I am shocked and saddened that there are therapists out there who are making a living encouraging this ridiculous behavior.
As you may tell, I am strongly against this move because I know she was always a girly-girl and has never, until now, shown the slightest inclination to be a male. If she had always been a tomboy or had obvious masculine features I would be able to understand it.
As it is, I refuse to accept this as normal. My whole family is trying to be accepting, etc, but I feel strongly that my niece is going down a horrible path, and I am NOT going to condone it. I know that it is the popular thing nowadays to encourage people to do whatever they want to do, but don’t ask me to accept it.
Question: How do I handle this with my extended family? They will call me a bigot.
Do I go to see my niece? If so, why and how?
I totally do not know how to handle this situation.

Most transgendered people do not wish to change their gender on a whim because it’s chic or cool. They really feel themselves born into the wrong gender and it is a very painful feeling. I don’t know for sure if this is the case with your niece, but it may be so. No, it’s not normal but it’s also not something that people and psychologists have made up as an excuse to do whatever one pleases. If, however, you still cannot condone your niece’s behavior, based on Church teaching, then, by all means, act according to your faith and moral principles. Love her but do not condone her behavior and don’t worry about what others may think about you.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Where in the WORLD is the money coming from??? Is there some kind of government program I’m not aware of?? I thought all this kind of hormone treatment/surgery was expensive - who is subsidizing this insanity??



Hang in there Musician, it’s going to be rough with all the family approval she’s getting. Yes, you are going to look like the bad person. You’re not. Love her, but you can disapprove of what she is doing.

 

[Havard]

Most transgendered people do not wish to change their gender on a whim because it’s chic or cool. They really feel themselves born into the wrong gender and it is a very painful feeling. I don’t know for sure if this is the case with your niece, but it may be so. No, it’s not normal but it’s also not something that people and psychologists have made up as an excuse to do whatever one pleases. If, however, you still cannot condone your niece’s behavior, based on Church teaching, then, by all means, act according to your faith and moral principles. Love her but do not condone her behavior and don’t worry about what others may think about you.

As a general observation, doesn’t it strike you as a particularly rare coincidence that both parties to a same-sex couple happen to be going through GID?

 

[meltzerboy]

As a general observation, doesn’t it strike you as a particularly rare coincidence that both parties to a same-sex couple happen to be going through GID?

It does seem unlikely. That’s why I stated I don’t know if the OP’s niece is sincere in what she is doing. My statement refers to transgendered people in general, who do suffer from gender identity disorder.

 

[Dale_M]

Where in the WORLD is the money coming from??? Is there some kind of government program I’m not aware of?? I thought all this kind of hormone treatment/surgery was expensive

Hormonal treatment is no more expensive than most pharmaceutical drugs. And generic versions are available which greatly reduce the cost.

Surgery, however, is quite expensive. And in the US, is funded out of pocket since extremely few insurance policies cover this kind of surgery. Almost all insurance policies dismiss it as experimental or cosmetic.

From what I have read, many female to male transsexuals get “top surgery” (mastectomy) first and the “bottom surgery” gets done as it is affordable.

As for the OP’s concern, I am not sure that to say. However, if doing things by the book, transsexuals are not approved for hormonal therapy without several months of psychological counseling to determine if such a step really is the right thing for the individual to pursue. And from the first post, it sounds as if such counseling has been received.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Hormonal treatment is no more expensive than most pharmaceutical drugs. And generic versions are available which greatly reduce the cost.

Surgery, however, is quite expensive. And in the US, is funded out of pocket since extremely few insurance policies cover this kind of surgery. Almost all insurance policies dismiss it as experimental or cosmetic.

From what I have read, many female to male transsexuals get “top surgery” (mastectomy) first and the “bottom surgery” gets done as it is affordable.

As for the OP’s concern, I am not sure that to say. However, if doing things by the book, transsexuals are not approved for hormonal therapy without several months of psychological counseling to determine if such a step really is the right thing for the individual to pursue. And from the first post, it sounds as if such counseling has been received.

I see. I didn’t realize that about the hormones. I did realize the cost of the surgery. Maybe one of the girls has an inheritance or something?

 

[Musician]

They don’t have any money but what they make. I have no idea how my niece saved up for her mastectomy, which she has had, but she flew to FL to have it done.
I am so torn up by this. Now we are all supposed to call her “he”. I am absolutely going to refuse to do that because I think this whole thing is nuts.
My niece never said a word about her gender until she met this friend who wants to be a boy, supposedly, but who has not had a mastectomy or anything else but hormones.
I truly do understand genuine gender issues; I have close friends whose daughter was obviously masculine from the time she was born and who eventually decided to live as a man. Her voice turned deep and gravelly when she went through puberty, she never had a period, etc. I have all the sympathy in the world for cases like this.
But a perfectly normal girl, wanting to live life as a gay man? Why??
And who are these doctors who are encouraging this? It is insane.

 

[Dale_M]

My niece never said a word about her gender until she met this friend who wants to be a boy, supposedly, but who has not had a mastectomy or anything else but hormones.
I truly do understand genuine gender issues; I have close friends whose daughter was obviously masculine from the time she was born and who eventually decided to live as a man. Her voice turned deep and gravelly when she went through puberty, she never had a period, etc. I have all the sympathy in the world for cases like this.
But a perfectly normal girl, wanting to live life as a gay man? Why??

Unfortunately, we really can’t answer that question. Only the person who has made the decision can explain their feelings, motives, etc.

It is possible that your niece has long desired to do this, but fought against it as socially unacceptable. However, as an adult it might now seem acceptable. I have read a few accounts of persons who changed their sex later in life, often stunning friends and family, because they had hid their feelings so long and seemed a model man or woman. However, a point was finally reached in which they couldn’t hold back any longer. Many accounts have stated that the choice was between changing their sex or killing themselves.

Of course, many transsexuals are able to avoid suicide or full transition to the opposite sex. The overwhelming percentage of persons who begin psychological counseling for gender issues find a compromise which allows them to cope. Helping the individual find the path which is right for them is the goal of counseling. It involves weighing all the costs (familial, social, career, financial etc) versus what might realistically be expected with any decision.

Presumably, your niece got such counseling and worked through those issues. But only your niece can explain. We can only make guesses.

 

[KerryA02]

They don’t have any money but what they make. I have no idea how my niece saved up for her mastectomy, which she has had, but she flew to FL to have it done.
I am so torn up by this. Now we are all supposed to call her “he”. I am absolutely going to refuse to do that because I think this whole thing is nuts.

Why be bitter about it just because you’re uncomfortable? If he’s willing to get surgery, he must have felt uncomfortable too. Why not try to be sympathetic?

I truly do understand genuine gender issues; I have close friends whose daughter was obviously masculine from the time she was born and who eventually decided to live as a man. Her voice turned deep and gravelly when she went through puberty, she never had a period, etc. I have all the sympathy in the world for cases like this.

That sounds like the symptoms of polycystic ovarian syndrome. There is usually a rise in testosterone production to above normal range for a female. Consider for a moment if something like that had happened to your nephew’s brain, early in development. Sex and gender variance is rare but it happen in a variety of ways.

But a perfectly normal girl, wanting to live life as a gay man? Why??
And who are these doctors who are encouraging this? It is insane.

I’m not a doctor but I’m not impressed by doctors in general these days. Refusing to give medicine, treatment, agency and dignity to transgender patients who need those things just like everybody else, is immoral. It might seem insane, but in the big picture, it’s not such a huge problem.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

They don’t have any money but what they make. I have no idea how my niece saved up for her mastectomy, which she has had, but she flew to FL to have it done.
I am so torn up by this. Now we are all supposed to call her “he”. I am absolutely going to refuse to do that because I think this whole thing is nuts.
My niece never said a word about her gender until she met this friend who wants to be a boy, supposedly, but who has not had a mastectomy or anything else but hormones.
I truly do understand genuine gender issues; I have close friends whose daughter was obviously masculine from the time she was born and who eventually decided to live as a man. Her voice turned deep and gravelly when she went through puberty, she never had a period, etc. I have all the sympathy in the world for cases like this.
But a perfectly normal girl, wanting to live life as a gay man? Why??
And who are these doctors who are encouraging this? It is insane.

However you feel, please remember your niece did not do this to hurt you. This isn’t, in fact, about you at all. You yourself say that you have know knowledge about gender issues. If you wish to maintain any kind of productive relationship with your relatives, my suggest is to gain some. Your library would be a place to start, and your priest may be able to suggest some books that present information from a Catholic theological perspective.

Luna