Traveling to Visit Family

[Bklynguy]

Hi everyone,
This is more geared towards people who travel to visit family, but I’m interested to hear what anyone says. Do you think traveling back to visit family only once a year is sufficient enough if the family is almost 500 miles away and you have two small children? We used to go back twice a year: once in the summer and once at Thanksgiving, even for a few years after my first daughter was born. I am cutting out the Thanksgiving trip starting this year.

Also, my parents drive to see us 4 or 5 times a year for weekends. I think they have an idea that I may do this and probably won’t be too surprised, but I haven’t actually told them for sure yet. Mind you, their reaction, bad or good, won’t change my mind–I think it is a bad precedent to set as an adult to give into extended family’s demands. I did tell my brother yesterday and I think he is slightly annoyed (he is younger than me and has no spouse or family…just to give you the background).

I’m just curious about what other people do who have out-of-town family.

 

[Aggies08]

Not good with distances, but we live a 4-5 hour drive from any family what-so-ever. I have a 2 yr old, 4 yr old, and soon newborn!

We always visit on Thanksgiving every year. Christmas we generally don’t; we visit for New Year’s. We want the kids to grow up waking in their house on Christmas morning, opening their presents, having our family traditions in our home. Going to Christmas Day Mass at our Church. Those are the memories we want for our kids.

We try to also visit once in the spring on a 3-day weekend- not Easter.

As the kids get older, and involved in school, etc, I see us visiting once or twice a year- we’ll see how it works out.

Growing up, we had no family nearby, and visited once every 4-5 years (across country).

Due to health, one set of grandparents does not visit us. The other ones drive down ever month or two for a day (come in late Friday, stay Sat, go home Sat evening). They stay in a hotel due to logistics . We have wonderful relationships with all of the family.

When making plans, DH and I discuss what we want, then I call and see if they are available on XYZ dates for us to visit/Thanksgiving/etc. If the dates work, from there we let them know our plans. Our families live an hour apart, which is awful, because we HAVE to see both when we visit, ha! We set our hours- we are at your thanksgiving from 2-6 or whatever (we obviously accommodate whatever time they are serving at and whatnot) and we STICK TO those times. There is a habit of cancelling/oh, don’t come until 4, we are not ready, etc. We go later, if possible (if a nap is scheduled, we stay where we are until after it, since we can’t be taking it at their home). We leave when we say we will. Usually it’s a certain end- time because the kids MUST be in bed at X o’clock. After a few times when we didn’t see certain people, they started getting better about respecting our time as well as theirs.

 

[Cat]

I know others will disagree with me, but I don’t consider 500 miles “far away.” It’s about eight hours of driving.

But I understand that it is difficult to travel with little ones, and also, gas prices are really high. So I think it’s best if their grandparents, who are probably unencumbered by small children and probably have a little more gas money, make the drive 4-5 times a year, and you continue a once-twice a year trip. If the grandparents are like most of us who are “mature,” they love the drive! I just love a road-trip, and so does my husband!

It will not get easier for you to make that drive when your children get older–they fight in the back seat, unless you “drug” them with a television in the car, or with video games. Yuck. But it does mean peaceful driving, and so I would “drug” them in a second, unless you live in a scenic part of the U.S. Then I would insist that they spend at least part of the drive staring out the window at the scenery! (And they’ll complain!)

For ten years, we lived 20 hours away from our family. We made the drive once a year, and they made the drive once a year.

Now, we live about 6 hours away from our daughter and her husband, and we make the drive about 4 times a year, and they make the drive about 4 times a year. Like I said, to me, distances of 300-500 miles don’t sound that bad.

 

[Bklynguy]

I know others will disagree with me, but I don’t consider 500 miles “far away.” It’s about eight hours of driving.

But I understand that it is difficult to travel with little ones, and also, gas prices are really high. So I think it’s best if their grandparents, who are probably unencumbered by small children and probably have a little more gas money, make the drive 4-5 times a year, and you continue a once-twice a year trip. If the grandparents are like most of us who are “mature,” they love the drive! I just love a road-trip, and so does my husband!

It will not get easier for you to make that drive when your children get older–they fight in the back seat, unless you “drug” them with a television in the car, or with video games. Yuck. But it does mean peaceful driving, and so I would “drug” them in a second, unless you live in a scenic part of the U.S. Then I would insist that they spend at least part of the drive staring out the window at the scenery! (And they’ll complain!)

For ten years, we lived 20 hours away from our family. We made the drive once a year, and they made the drive once a year.

Now, we live about 6 hours away from our daughter and her husband, and we make the drive about 4 times a year, and they make the drive about 4 times a year. Like I said, to me, distances of 300-500 miles don’t sound that bad.

Wow…4 times a year is a lot. I generally don’t mind driving, but 500 miles with a 4 year-old and a 10-month old is a lot, especially since you can’t eat on the road. So eating is a 45 minute stop. But, then again, if you are used to a 20-hour ride from before, that is probably why you don’t consider 500 miles that far. With kids–it is more than 8 hours. And with traffic (think coming back into the NY metro area Thanksgiving weekend), it can be even more.

My wife’s parents live close by, but she also has some family about 200 miles away. That is a piece of cake.

 

[Bklynguy]

Not good with distances, but we live a 4-5 hour drive from any family what-so-ever. I have a 2 yr old, 4 yr old, and soon newborn!

We always visit on Thanksgiving every year. Christmas we generally don’t; we visit for New Year’s. We want the kids to grow up waking in their house on Christmas morning, opening their presents, having our family traditions in our home. Going to Christmas Day Mass at our Church. Those are the memories we want for our kids.

We try to also visit once in the spring on a 3-day weekend- not Easter.

As the kids get older, and involved in school, etc, I see us visiting once or twice a year- we’ll see how it works out.

Growing up, we had no family nearby, and visited once every 4-5 years (across country).

Due to health, one set of grandparents does not visit us. The other ones drive down ever month or two for a day (come in late Friday, stay Sat, go home Sat evening). They stay in a hotel due to logistics . We have wonderful relationships with all of the family.

When making plans, DH and I discuss what we want, then I call and see if they are available on XYZ dates for us to visit/Thanksgiving/etc. If the dates work, from there we let them know our plans. Our families live an hour apart, which is awful, because we HAVE to see both when we visit, ha! We set our hours- we are at your thanksgiving from 2-6 or whatever (we obviously accommodate whatever time they are serving at and whatnot) and we STICK TO those times. There is a habit of cancelling/oh, don’t come until 4, we are not ready, etc. We go later, if possible (if a nap is scheduled, we stay where we are until after it, since we can’t be taking it at their home). We leave when we say we will. Usually it’s a certain end- time because the kids MUST be in bed at X o’clock. After a few times when we didn’t see certain people, they started getting better about respecting our time as well as theirs.

You go in Thanksgiving and New Year? That is pretty close together–but then again, I guess 4-5 hours is different than 9-10 hours.

 

[maryjk]

Now, we live about 6 hours away from our daughter and her husband, and we make the drive about 4 times a year, and they make the drive about 4 times a year. Like I said, to me, distances of 300-500 miles don’t sound that bad.

I agree.

We used to live 850 miles from our family. We would drive at least 3 times a year. And my parents traveled once a year. It was a two day trip, if I went without my husband. If my husband and I went together, we could do the drive in one day.

One thing we did was to travel at night. We would leave right after dinner, around 7pm. We would arrive for breakfast. My husband and I would catch a nap while my parents entertained/watched our son.

It takes a lot of planning but it can be done.

 

[dixieagle]

We’ve lived 1500 miles from family (Alabama to Massachusetts) for most of the last 35+ years.

When the girls were little, we took a summer road trip, taking our time (hubby often flew in and back, as he hates long car trips and didn’t want to waste much of his two week vacation on the road.) We treasured those trips, and all of us dreaded when the time came to leave, as we knew it would likely be a year before we saw my parents again. They visited us a couple of times, but my mother finally said she just couldn’t do it anymore after our younger daughter’s First Communion; she was a white knuckle flyer and simply terrified. We spoke on the phone frequently, but I felt very disconnected from family, as we missed every family wedding, christening, etc., due to distance and cost.

My husband’s parents visited at least twice a year until my FIL passed away when the girls were 7 and 11; my MIL then visited with her sister, who was great fun and virtually a third grandmother to our daughters.

We had one stretch of three years where we lived in Virginia, and I was THRILLED to be so “close” to home; it’s all relative, I guess!

We would, on rare occasion, visit at Thanksgiving or Christmas, but likely no more than 2 or 3 times over the course of decades; just too difficult at those times.

I think that it is essential to maintain ties with family (unless they are of the “toxic” variety, but that is another thread entirely…) Currently, our older daughter, husband and baby live 3 hours away, which is closer than I ever thought they would be; we see them about every 3-4 weeks, either here or there. Younger daughter and family just moved - for just a year, they say - to east Tennessee while she completes work on an externship for a clinical doctorate. That’s just shy of 500 miles from here; while I wish they were closer, I don’t consider it a bad drive at all, considering distances we’ve traveled before. We’ll likely visit, or they will come here, about every 2 months. We also now have the luxury of Skype and FaceTime, which makes a huge difference. My husband is still depressed about not having our 2-year old grandson here in town, as we took care of him while his parents were at school; very, very difficult parting.

Your parents won’t be around forever; my dad is 93 and I try to get up there every 2 months, and our girls have made a great effort to bring his great-grandsons for visits, as his world revolves around visits from family. While traveling with little ones is tough, sometimes there are other factors to weigh. Good luck making those decisions.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I think its fine to do it just once a year for now that the children are small. I’m familiar with NY and if you are going upstate from Brooklyn sometimes just attraversing NYC can take longer than an hour.

Years ago we drove to Lake George from the city with a 4 and 1 year old. It took 8 hours with feeding and changing and bathroom breaks. 8 hours of listening to the Wiggles as well.

 

[Bklynguy]

Your parents won’t be around forever; my dad is 93 and I try to get up there every 2 months, and our girls have made a great effort to bring his great-grandsons for visits, as his world revolves around visits from family.

Out of curiosity, did your dad’s world always revolve around visits from and to family, or only since he got older? Just curious if it’s as he has aged and perhaps can’t get out as much, or if that is always sort of how he felt.

 

[Bklynguy]

I think its fine to do it just once a year for now that the children are small. I’m familiar with NY and if you are going upstate from Brooklyn sometimes just attraversing NYC can take longer than an hour.

Years ago we drove to Lake George from the city with a 4 and 1 year old. It took 8 hours with feeding and changing and bathroom breaks. 8 hours of listening to the Wiggles as well.

We travel to the greater Cleveland area from Brooklyn. Coming through Staten Island–especially on a Sunday after a holiday, but really any weekend–is a wreck. We’ve tried other routes–George Washington Bridge, Holland or Lincoln tunnel–and it is the same. It’s just that the NY metro area has so many people and so much traffic–you just aren’t going to get around it as you probably well know. I never drove to Lake George, but I imagine it is a haul.

 

[Cat]

Wow…4 times a year is a lot. I generally don’t mind driving, but 500 miles with a 4 year-old and a 10-month old is a lot, especially since you can’t eat on the road. So eating is a 45 minute stop. But, then again, if you are used to a 20-hour ride from before, that is probably why you don’t consider 500 miles that far. With kids–it is more than 8 hours. And with traffic (think coming back into the NY metro area Thanksgiving weekend), it can be even more.

My wife’s parents live close by, but she also has some family about 200 miles away. That is a piece of cake.

Perhaps I didn’t make myself clear in my post.

The parents and small children should make the drive once or maybe twice a year.

The grandparents should continue making the drive 4-5 times a year. (The OP said that they already do this.) Presumably the grandparents do not have any children still living at home, and presumably the grandparents have a little more money to spare for gas. I realize that those are big presumptions, as many “grandparents” still have children living at home, and many are weighed down with bills. But for the most part, grandparents have more time and money to spend driving.

 

[dixieagle]

dixieagle;10943574:

Your parents won’t be around forever; my dad is 93 and I try to get up there every 2 months, and our girls have made a great effort to bring his great-grandsons for visits, as his world revolves around visits from family.

Out of curiosity, did your dad’s world always revolve around visits from and to family, or only since he got older? Just curious if it’s as he has aged and perhaps can’t get out as much, or if that is always sort of how he felt.

Dad worked until he was 70; when he retired he called it “unemployment.”

While working, he was, of course, busier than he is now - much busier, as he managed a large auto dealership and went back to work at least two nights a week after supper. He always took great joy in our visits and the girls loved being with him. He now lives alone, as my mom died 7 years ago, and our visits - especially with his great-grandsons - are what seem to keep him going. Most of the family is in the area, but he will see a family member perhaps once a week, as they are all working long hours.

When we would leave to head home after our visits when the girls were little, my mom was so distressed that she always tried to make departures “short and sweet”, not wanting us to see her cry. Dad was pretty stoic, but dreaded our leaving, as well. I would barely sleep the night before our departure, it was so upsetting to us. But, we never really had a choice, as we had moved for my husband’s work; job opportunities in his field (TV news anchor) are extremely limited and didn’t present themselves in New England.

 

[Bklynguy]

Perhaps I didn’t make myself clear in my post.

The parents and small children should make the drive once or maybe twice a year.

The grandparents should continue making the drive 4-5 times a year. (The OP said that they already do this.) Presumably the grandparents do not have any children still living at home, and presumably the grandparents have a little more money to spare for gas. I realize that those are big presumptions, as many “grandparents” still have children living at home, and many are weighed down with bills. But for the most part, grandparents have more time and money to spend driving.

That is correct. The grandparents do not have children at home and have more money to spare–actually, they are quite financially comfortable. In fact, my dad says the drive is typically pretty easy because their stops are quick and they usually eat while driving. Although not retired yet, they have more time than ever before.

 

[Bklynguy]

Bklynguy;10943752:

dixieagle;10943574:

Your parents won’t be around forever; my dad is 93 and I try to get up there every 2 months, and our girls have made a great effort to bring his great-grandsons for visits, as his world revolves around visits from family.

Dad worked until he was 70; when he retired he called it “unemployment.”

While working, he was, of course, busier than he is now - much busier, as he managed a large auto dealership and went back to work at least two nights a week after supper. He always took great joy in our visits and the girls loved being with him. He now lives alone, as my mom died 7 years ago, and our visits - especially with his great-grandsons - are what seem to keep him going. Most of the family is in the area, but he will see a family member perhaps once a week, as they are all working long hours.

When we would leave to head home after our visits when the girls were little, my mom was so distressed that she always tried to make departures “short and sweet”, not wanting us to see her cry. Dad was pretty stoic, but dreaded our leaving, as well. I would barely sleep the night before our departure, it was so upsetting to us. But, we never really had a choice, as we had moved for my husband’s work; job opportunities in his field (TV news anchor) are extremely limited and didn’t present themselves in New England.

In a way, that is actually a good thing as it sounds as if you were all very close and truly enjoyed being around each other. When we travel back to visit my parents, I generally can’t wait to leave. I have a good relationship with them and enjoy seeing them, it’s just that a 4 day visit is a lot of effort and is mentally exhausting, that I can’t wait to leave. My brother is different–much more extroverted and loves being around family as much as possible–which is probably why we don’t really see eye to eye on this stuff.

 

[Cat]

dixieagle;10944121:

Bklynguy;10943752:

In a way, that is actually a good thing as it sounds as if you were all very close and truly enjoyed being around each other. When we travel back to visit my parents, I generally can’t wait to leave. I have a good relationship with them and enjoy seeing them, it’s just that a 4 day visit is a lot of effort and is mentally exhausting, that I can’t wait to leave. My brother is different–much more extroverted and loves being around family as much as possible–which is probably why we don’t really see eye to eye on this stuff.

I can see both sides of this.

On the one hand, we want to honor and enjoy our families while they are still with us. My dad died in February, and my brother and I are still trying to figure out how to live life without him. It’s hard. We miss him, especially on a holiday like this. We’re glad we had so much time with him on this earth (he was 83 when he died, and healthy up until the last 4 months).

On the other hand, you do not want to be so entangled or enmeshed with your family that time away from them is unbearable, and when they die, life stops and you are inconsolable.

A young family needs to develop their own lives, make friends, get involved with the parish, their neighborhood, their community, and eventually, their children’s schools (or homeschools), sports, arts, clubs, etc… If every spare moment is spent travelling to see parents/family, staying with parents/ family, hosting parents/family–then it’s really hard to develop a life independent of parents/family. You always have to say “No” to requests from your parish, school, community, neighbors, etc. because you know that you will be spending the night or weekend out of town with your parents/family. And to be honest, you can actually come to resent the time spent with parents/family because you really want to say “Yes!” to some of those offers and requests from parish, school, etc.

Now there are families who decide that they simply will not be parted, and they all live within a few miles of each other. This can be a really lovely life for all, as you can see your parents/family often, but there are no long drives, no overnight visits, no extensive planning and cooking for weekend visits, so you still have plenty of time to pursue other interests and activities. These close families tend to live life with a lot of gusto! If one of the kids has a ball game or a piano recital or is displaying their pet rabbits at the county fair, the WHOLE family shows up to cheer the kid on! It’s awesome, and I have to admit, I envy families like this.

But when you live far apart, you can’t live that way. You can’t spend all your spare days and weekends with parents/family AND create a life for yourself.

And you have to keep in mind that no matter how much time you spend with parents and other older relatives, they will someday die. You can’t hang onto them past their allotted time.

It sounds to me like you and your wife should sit down talk over exactly what kind of family you want to be. If you really want to see each other often and share life’s joys and sorrows with the parents/family, then someone will have to move. If you want to see parents/family once in a while, but spend most of your time living a separate life from parents, then no one has to move. Both approaches are OK. It’s up to you (and your parents, and remember that your PARENTS may want to have their own life, too, and not feel obligated to come see you every few months, or have you visit them often.

My husband and I are very active in the community and parish now that our daughters are grown. Once before cells phone, we came home to find a series of messages on our answering machine:

“Hi, Mom, Dad, call me when you get home.”

(about an hour later) “Hi, Mom, Dad, please call me, I need to talk to you about something. Call as soon as you get home.”

About a half hour later “click” (No message left" For the next half hour, these “clicks” happened every five minutes or so. Sometimes the click was accompanied by a sigh or a groan.

And finally, “MOM, DAD, where are you? Aren’t you two EVER home!???!”

 

[AllSeasons]

Hi everyone,
This is more geared towards people who travel to visit family, but I’m interested to hear what anyone says. Do you think traveling back to visit family only once a year is sufficient enough if the family is almost 500 miles away and you have two small children? We used to go back twice a year: once in the summer and once at Thanksgiving, even for a few years after my first daughter was born. I am cutting out the Thanksgiving trip starting this year.

Also, my parents drive to see us 4 or 5 times a year for weekends. I think they have an idea that I may do this and probably won’t be too surprised, but I haven’t actually told them for sure yet. Mind you, their reaction, bad or good, won’t change my mind–I think it is a bad precedent to set as an adult to give into extended family’s demands. I did tell my brother yesterday and I think he is slightly annoyed (he is younger than me and has no spouse or family…just to give you the background).

I’m just curious about what other people do who have out-of-town family.

I live 800 miles from my parents. In the past year, my parents came to see me for Labor Day, Christmas, and I think another time earlier in the year. But that’s because they’re both retired now, and I’m single and an only child. I went back to visit them for Thanksgiving and 4th of July. Guess where I am now? LOL!

 

[Bklynguy]

Bklynguy;10944233:

dixieagle;10944121:

I can see both sides of this.

On the one hand, we want to honor and enjoy our families while they are still with us. My dad died in February, and my brother and I are still trying to figure out how to live life without him. It’s hard. We miss him, especially on a holiday like this. We’re glad we had so much time with him on this earth (he was 83 when he died, and healthy up until the last 4 months).

On the other hand, you do not want to be so entangled or enmeshed with your family that time away from them is unbearable, and when they die, life stops and you are inconsolable.

A young family needs to develop their own lives, make friends, get involved with the parish, their neighborhood, their community, and eventually, their children’s schools (or homeschools), sports, arts, clubs, etc… If every spare moment is spent travelling to see parents/family, staying with parents/ family, hosting parents/family–then it’s really hard to develop a life independent of parents/family. You always have to say “No” to requests from your parish, school, community, neighbors, etc. because you know that you will be spending the night or weekend out of town with your parents/family. And to be honest, you can actually come to resent the time spent with parents/family because you really want to say “Yes!” to some of those offers and requests from parish, school, etc.

Now there are families who decide that they simply will not be parted, and they all live within a few miles of each other. This can be a really lovely life for all, as you can see your parents/family often, but there are no long drives, no overnight visits, no extensive planning and cooking for weekend visits, so you still have plenty of time to pursue other interests and activities. These close families tend to live life with a lot of gusto! If one of the kids has a ball game or a piano recital or is displaying their pet rabbits at the county fair, the WHOLE family shows up to cheer the kid on! It’s awesome, and I have to admit, I envy families like this.

But when you live far apart, you can’t live that way. You can’t spend all your spare days and weekends with parents/family AND create a life for yourself.

And you have to keep in mind that no matter how much time you spend with parents and other older relatives, they will someday die. You can’t hang onto them past their allotted time.

It sounds to me like you and your wife should sit down talk over exactly what kind of family you want to be. If you really want to see each other often and share life’s joys and sorrows with the parents/family, then someone will have to move. If you want to see parents/family once in a while, but spend most of your time living a separate life from parents, then no one has to move. Both approaches are OK. It’s up to you (and your parents, and remember that your PARENTS may want to have their own life, too, and not feel obligated to come see you every few months, or have you visit them often.

My husband and I are very active in the community and parish now that our daughters are grown. Once before cells phone, we came home to find a series of messages on our answering machine:

“Hi, Mom, Dad, call me when you get home.”

(about an hour later) “Hi, Mom, Dad, please call me, I need to talk to you about something. Call as soon as you get home.”

About a half hour later “click” (No message left" For the next half hour, these “clicks” happened every five minutes or so. Sometimes the click was accompanied by a sigh or a groan.

And finally, “MOM, DAD, where are you? Aren’t you two EVER home!???!”

These are all good points. In all honesty, between the two sides, I am more on your side regarding these arguments. Our daughter starts pre-K at Catholic school next year, and I am looking forward to becoming a little more active with the parish and school. I am a big believer in building a solid family unit (parents-children) before extended family. My parents and sibling tend to lean on the latter–but to them, it is their grandchildren. As for my wife and I, we are trying to build a life and family of our own. Sometimes I feel like there is pressure on us, but I feel it is important to put spouse and children before extended family. Some people will think that is harsh, but that is what I truly believe.

The funny thing is that it is difficult to travel when the kids are young. However, when they get older and we want to do family vacations, or one is in softball and the other is in swimming, etc, etc, it may get harder. I don’t feel like we should have them miss out on that stuff because we have to go in to visit family.

As for my brother, he will get over it. He doesn’t even have a spouse or children and he is quite younger than me, so he is hopelessly naïve anyway.