Trouble forgiving husband's emotional infidelity

[ladyofshalott]

Hi. I need advice on forgiving my husband’s emotional betrayal. My husband directs a choir at our parish. I sing in the choir, as does another woman who is very vivacious and attractive. I was aware for some time that my husband found her attractive. A couple of years ago, I discovered that my husband had written a vow, in which he offered all his daily prayers and sufferings for this woman, Masses, etc. as well as a vow to marry her if possible after my death. (I am 50 years old and NOT dying). There was a lot more to the vow, but basically he had given his whole heart to this woman, and couched it all in spiritual terms. I also discovered that he kept a photo of her on his computer and PDA.

I told the woman, who is married and has several children. I told her in the hope that she would have as little as possible to do with my husband. She knew nothing of his feelings and expressed shock, and yet, she refused to leave the choir because she “did nothing wrong.” My husband has apologized, but has done little to repair the enormous damage this has done to me and to our marriage. He still directs the choir, and if anything, has become a worse husband over the past couple of years rather than a better one. He is emotionally abusive, often having tirades of anger, belittling or ridiculing me. Instead of trying to regain my trust, he has become more secretive and more individualistic, so that at times he seems like more of a housemate than a husband. My self esteem has plummeted. I have aged prematurely and gained weight because of my emotional distress. Our marriage had problems before that vow, but I had not done anything to deserve this. I was unhappy too, but would never do something like this.

Sometimes he has a rare moment of insight and remorse. Most often, he thinks I should just be “over it.” He claims it is “over” and that he feels nothing for her now, but I have no reason to believe him because he has broken my trust. He does not understand (or pretends not to understand) why it upsets me to have to see this woman every week, and to have HIM see her every week. It constantly re-opens the wound. I have tried to treat her in a friendly manner, but if our positions were reversed, I would have left the choir rather than be a wedge in someone else’s marriage.

I sometimes think this emotional betrayal is even worse than actual adultery. Because my husband only sees the woman under ideal circumstances-- not in intimate daily home life with all its struggles-- he can idealize her, whereas if they had actually had an affair, maybe she would seem less wonderful after awhile. Not that I wish for it, of course. And although he did not commit actual adultery, that vow showed a far deeper attachment to this woman than any kind of casual fling could ever be.

We have several children, and leaving is not an option. Counseling is also not an option. I read an excellent article on why counseling often does not help if one partner is emotionally abusive, and many of the points fit my husband well. He is very practiced at presenting one persona publicly, and a different one privately. He has sabotaged previous counseling efforts by speaking privately with the counselor before we ever went as a couple, to manipulate the situation. And I know that is anything I said in counseling bothered him, I would suffer for it later.

I am sorry this is so long. Here is my question: How does one forgive when one has to live with the person who caused the hurt, and when they refuse to face the truth of what they did? My spiritual director told me that if I wish my husband well and not evil, if I pray for him, if I do not seek revenge, and if I WILL to forgive him even though my heart is still broken, then I can be at peace knowing I have forgiven him, even if my feelings have not yet caught up with my will. But because I am still hurting, my husband constantly accuses me of refusing to forgive. I would also like to know: what do others think my husband, or myself, or even the other woman should have done, or should do, in this situation? Thanks for any insights you might have to offer.

 

[Irishmom2]

I am sorry you are going through this. I agree with you about emotional cheating being worse. I don’t think you are right to expect this woman to have quit choir though. She really was not a part of the equation. She just was being herself and was unaware of your husband’s "interest’ in her. In a way, she is not the problem, your husband and your marriage dynamics are. I know you said he sabotaged previous counseling. Of course he would. That is the nature of his personality. But please, go to counseling alone for YOU. You are the only one that you can change. So please get help for yourself, to be stronger, to deal with your husband, to live a good life despite how he has hurt you and continues to hurt you. Do not allow yourself to be a victim.

Please pray often for insight, and for healing. Your husband seeming to not understand may in fact be his defensive way of deflecting his guilt. Please stop bringing up the woman in the choir, you are only showing him your weakness and allowing him to use it against you.

Forgiveness is a difficult, but not impossible thing. You can forgive your husband, but it doesn’t mean that everything you feel is wiped clean from your heart. Memory still comes into play of course. But at some point, you need to consciously decide that you are not going to live in the past, you are going to move forward and live your life assuming the best, and not the worst of your husband, and maybe you will actually see a change in him.

You have to learn to take responsibility for your part in your marriage problems. Change what you can change and perhaps you will see a change in your husband also. We teach people how we want to be treated. Learn to be happy despite how your husband is. Do things to make yourself feel better about you. Get some exercise, take a class, get a new hairstyle, a new fashion look. Something that will make you feel good about you, because your low self esteem will get you no where. Don’t do it for him, do it for YOU.

May God bless you and guide you.

 

[tbcrawford]

My heart goes out to you.(((HUGS))) for you

It is very very painful!

Irishmom has given you good advice and I would just like to say I am sorry for your suffering I ask God to bless you and comfort you and guide you.God bless you

 

[Lonely_guy]

I am so sorry to read things like that. I will share something with you. I was married once,as some of you may know,and I did fall in love with my wifes half-sister. I did not show it,but for some reason I knew she did feel for me as well. It did last one summer,but I remember that summer with warm feelings. I did so wrong and if my wife would have found out what I did feel for her half-sister I would have hurt her really bad. (She did hurt me later on in ways I can’t write because that should be written in blood coming from my heart.) I am not defending your husband. He did wrong. I am not saying you have done anything wrong because you have not. But you can forgive him,can’t you. Make him sit down in front of you and say that “I love you,I forgive you and with time I will forget”. From what I understand the choir is very important to him so don’t take it a away,he need it. This is not a question about right or wrong,this is about love and forgiveness. If he loves you he will,and give him time,understand that the fact that you forgive him,he will slowly go back to what he was before. At some age we need a dream,something that will tell us that we still are alive. He did not cheat on you in the way we use to see it. His “love” was a dream,and I can assure you that he really loves you. If not,he would have moved out a long time ago. He just don’t know how to “come back” from his dream. Help him and you help your self. God bless you.

 

[mamaslo]

I am sorry this is so long. Here is my question: How does one forgive when one has to live with the person who caused the hurt, and when they refuse to face the truth of what they did? My spiritual director told me that if I wish my husband well and not evil, if I pray for him, if I do not seek revenge, and if I WILL to forgive him even though my heart is still broken, then I can be at peace knowing I have forgiven him, even if my feelings have not yet caught up with my will. But because I am still hurting, my husband constantly accuses me of refusing to forgive. I would also like to know: what do others think my husband, or myself, or even the other woman should have done, or should do, in this situation? Thanks for any insights you might have to offer.

I would trust your spiritual director. And not ask for advice on who should do what here. That won’t fix your problem only make you feel worse. What you need from us here is support, prayers, and TLC.

Your husband is wrong, and part of him knows he is wrong. Maybe you need counselling on your own, for your self-esteem issues and also a great book is “Boundaries in Marriage”. It gives you some “power” to help him and you at the same time. It sounds like he let his imagination go too long.

One thing that I have concluded is that the grass is never greener on the other side of the fence. he has all these emotions toward her, they may truly still be there because he feels what he feels, but he needs to correct his responses to you. He is missing his “Ideal” of the imagination. That may take time for him to come around. I am not a man, so I do not know what would actually work, but I wonder if you could stay with your own parents for a while or make him go stay with his…I have heard stories of ulimatums working…that sound more like enforcing a boundary…“If you don’t learn to change the way you are treating me, then me and the kids are going to stay with my mom” Now I am not sure that is an appropriate boundary but often, when a good spouse makes it apparent that you refuse to be treated badly, they realize what a stupid person they have been and make a choice to come back with all their heart.

I am no expert, but I have heard stories. You figure out what the boundary should be, you can only control you, he needs to make a choice for God, for you and your children. Coveting your neighbor’s wife is pretty bad, now you know why.

I am only offering ideas, to get you thinking about things YOU could do instead of letting your self-esteem plummet, this really doesn’t have anything to do with you, he is making bad choices over and over again. Maybe a counsellor could help you define what the appropriate boundary should be, but you do not deserve to be treated badly.

 

[mamaslo]

I am sorry you are going through this. I agree with you about emotional cheating being worse. I don’t think you are right to expect this woman to have quit choir though. She really was not a part of the equation. She just was being herself and was unaware of your husband’s "interest’ in her. In a way, she is not the problem, your husband and your marriage dynamics are. I know you said he sabotaged previous counseling. Of course he would. That is the nature of his personality. But please, go to counseling alone for YOU. You are the only one that you can change. So please get help for yourself, to be stronger, to deal with your husband, to live a good life despite how he has hurt you and continues to hurt you. Do not allow yourself to be a victim.

Please pray often for insight, and for healing. Your husband seeming to not understand may in fact be his defensive way of deflecting his guilt. Please stop bringing up the woman in the choir, you are only showing him your weakness and allowing him to use it against you.

Forgiveness is a difficult, but not impossible thing. You can forgive your husband, but it doesn’t mean that everything you feel is wiped clean from your heart. Memory still comes into play of course. But at some point, you need to consciously decide that you are not going to live in the past, you are going to move forward and live your life assuming the best, and not the worst of your husband, and maybe you will actually see a change in him.

You have to learn to take responsibility for your part in your marriage problems. Change what you can change and perhaps you will see a change in your husband also. We teach people how we want to be treated. Learn to be happy despite how your husband is. Do things to make yourself feel better about you. Get some exercise, take a class, get a new hairstyle, a new fashion look. Something that will make you feel good about you, because your low self esteem will get you no where. Don’t do it for him, do it for YOU.

May God bless you and guide you.

 

[Leegal]

Hi. I need advice on forgiving my husband’s emotional betrayal. My husband directs a choir at our parish. I sing in the choir, as does another woman who is very vivacious and attractive. I was aware for some time that my husband found her attractive. A couple of years ago, I discovered that my husband had written a vow, in which he offered all his daily prayers and sufferings for this woman, Masses, etc. as well as a vow to marry her if possible after my death. (I am 50 years old and NOT dying). There was a lot more to the vow, but basically he had given his whole heart to this woman, and couched it all in spiritual terms. I also discovered that he kept a photo of her on his computer and PDA.

I told the woman, who is married and has several children. I told her in the hope that she would have as little as possible to do with my husband. She knew nothing of his feelings and expressed shock, and yet, she refused to leave the choir because she “did nothing wrong.” My husband has apologized, but has done little to repair the enormous damage this has done to me and to our marriage. He still directs the choir, and if anything, has become a worse husband over the past couple of years rather than a better one. He is emotionally abusive, often having tirades of anger, belittling or ridiculing me. Instead of trying to regain my trust, he has become more secretive and more individualistic, so that at times he seems like more of a housemate than a husband. My self esteem has plummeted. I have aged prematurely and gained weight because of my emotional distress. Our marriage had problems before that vow, but I had not done anything to deserve this. I was unhappy too, but would never do something like this.

Sometimes he has a rare moment of insight and remorse. Most often, he thinks I should just be “over it.” He claims it is “over” and that he feels nothing for her now, but I have no reason to believe him because he has broken my trust. He does not understand (or pretends not to understand) why it upsets me to have to see this woman every week, and to have HIM see her every week. It constantly re-opens the wound. I have tried to treat her in a friendly manner, but if our positions were reversed, I would have left the choir rather than be a wedge in someone else’s marriage.

I sometimes think this emotional betrayal is even worse than actual adultery. Because my husband only sees the woman under ideal circumstances-- not in intimate daily home life with all its struggles-- he can idealize her, whereas if they had actually had an affair, maybe she would seem less wonderful after awhile. Not that I wish for it, of course. And although he did not commit actual adultery, that vow showed a far deeper attachment to this woman than any kind of casual fling could ever be.

We have several children, and leaving is not an option. Counseling is also not an option. I read an excellent article on why counseling often does not help if one partner is emotionally abusive, and many of the points fit my husband well. He is very practiced at presenting one persona publicly, and a different one privately. He has sabotaged previous counseling efforts by speaking privately with the counselor before we ever went as a couple, to manipulate the situation. And I know that is anything I said in counseling bothered him, I would suffer for it later.

I am sorry this is so long. Here is my question: How does one forgive when one has to live with the person who caused the hurt, and when they refuse to face the truth of what they did? My spiritual director told me that if I wish my husband well and not evil, if I pray for him, if I do not seek revenge, and if I WILL to forgive him even though my heart is still broken, then I can be at peace knowing I have forgiven him, even if my feelings have not yet caught up with my will. But because I am still hurting, my husband constantly accuses me of refusing to forgive. I would also like to know: what do others think my husband, or myself, or even the other woman should have done, or should do, in this situation? Thanks for any insights you might have to offer.

I agree with you and you have every right to be upset. However, counseling does work even if you are the only one to go. It will help YOU and possibly help him if he sees that you are serious enough that you are willing to go alone. In any case, even if he never sees the need for couples counseling, and the error of his behaviors, it will help put this in perspective for you.

Continue in counseling alone and pray that you can forgive and that your husband sees the hurt this is causing, especially in light of his increasingly abusive behavior. What he is doing is lustful behavior towards this woman. I think your husband is forgetting what marriage is about and wants to pursue this fantasy. I see why it’s hard to forgive. Have you explained to the counselor (alone) that his attitutude toward you has gotten worse and not better? You need separate counseling that he cannot interrupt and manipulate. I’m shocked that the counselor could not see through an obvious manipulation.

Pray to St. Jude. I might also bring this to the attention of the priest, in confession. Go to another parish if you have to. He can advise you. I can understand why you would not want to take this up with the parish priest, but another priest can be helpful.

Both your own counselor and another priest might have some suggestions on how to deal with the belittling and verbal abuse – and how you can separate yourself from his bad behavior and help him see the damage it is doing.

Had it happened to me – and this is only me. We would have joined a different parish.

 

[Nimzovik]

OP wrote:" I am sorry this is so long. Here is my question: How does one forgive when one has to live with the person who caused the hurt, and when they refuse to face the truth of what they did?"

Ialics mine

Hmmmmmmmm… Are you at the forgiveness stage?

 

[Leegal]

I had to add that I agree with the poster who said there must be boundaries.

Depending on the level of abuse and whether or not it’s done in front of the children, you might want to take the children and stay with a family member temporarily while you seek private and personal counseling to sort this out.

It’s true, it takes two. You must examine yourself too, while not allowing the abuse to drag you down so far that you won’t be able to forgive.

I take it that it’s gone on for years. That’s way too long not to have had some effect on your inability to forgive. You might need to take that step back, and out of the house, for awhile to get some perspective.

 

[Leegal]

OP wrote:" I am sorry this is so long. Here is my question: How does one forgive when one has to live with the person who caused the hurt, and when they refuse to face the truth of what they did?"

Ialics mine

Hmmmmmmmm… Are you at the forgiveness stage?

I don’t see how she can be when he uses verbal abuse. She won’t get “there” unless he’s also willing to see the harm he is doing, even if the fantasy is over. With increasing abuse, it’s going to be hard to believe that he has given up his fantasy. In fact, his anger over it tells me that he’s projecting his own bad behavior back on to her in the form of verbal abuse. None of this is healthy.

 

[Nimzovik]

Indeed.

 

[puzzleannie]

Hi. Thanks for any insights you might have to offer.

why was the pastor not informed immediately when you became aware of your husband’s inappropriate behavior toward a choir member while engaged in a parish ministry?

 

[Nanny_PK]

why was the pastor not informed immediately when you became aware of your husband’s inappropriate behavior toward a choir member while engaged in a parish ministry?

Caveat: Not excusing the husbands behavior.

But if I read the OP correctly, the husband in no way acted out on his feelings with the woman in the choir. The woman in the choir did not even know of his feelings for her until the wife told her about it. I don’t know if this is a paid position and I know the rules are different for private organizations like the Church, but in the secular world if the person had not done anything, there would be nothing the business could do.

 

[Leegal]

Caveat: Not excusing the husbands behavior.

But if I read the OP correctly, the husband in no way acted out on his feelings with the woman in the choir. The woman in the choir did not even know of his feelings for her until the wife told her about it. I don’t know if this is a paid position and I know the rules are different for private organizations like the Church, but in the secular world if the person had not done anything, there would be nothing the business could do.

Agree. I had to consider that but without warning, the woman who might indeed be innocent of this would be put under scrutiny. And the husband might have been removed (though he should have removed himself), causing even more trouble in the marriage as it would have been viewed as vindictive and vengeful since his behavior escalated without much to precipitate it. She really had no easy choice here. It’s her husband’s responsibility for what predicated this breakdown in the marriage, and his failure to communicate in a meaningful way. My fear is that it led to this abuse and manipulation.

I stand by what what said earlier. It’s time to tell the husband that you are not leaving, but taking the children and taking an unspecified break so that she can make decisions in a more peaceful environment, without his verbal abuse. That when she returns, she will be joining another parish and he might think of going with her. Choir director or not. If he really wants forgiveness, tough, he does not get to make all the calls while he gives up nothing in return for that “forgiveness.”

There’s no reason for her to take abuse and manipulation, nor for the children to see any of this. I suspect the children are aware of the tensions.

 

[faithfully]

OP,

I’m so sorry to hear of such actions by your husband.

If another woman was wedging herself into your marriage I would agree if she had any class at all, she would leave the choir.

However, as you claim, she had NO idea whatsoever that your husband has been eyeing her. She’s married and apparently happily so. I’m sure she loves to sing. Why should your husband get to take that from her? If I were you, I would do everything possible to be nice to her. Smile at her, say hello. Let her know, it’s NOT HER FAULT. Do not blame her. She’s a victim in this scenario. As are you. Do not cower in front of her either. It’s perfectly fine for her to see YOU BELIEVE you are as much a woman as she. YOUR HUSBAND needs to SEE this TOO. He does not get to render you a wall flower in the group.

Do not allow him to make you a BITTER person towards others. UNdeserving others.

If I were her I might have left, only because it would make me nauseas to work with a man that was knowingly hurting his wife, while he looked me up and down waiting for her death, as well as my husband’s death so we could faithfully marry. This problem is not in any part the creation of this woman. It’s ALL your husband, he holds ALL the blame. Do not look to others to make him seem like a better man.

Do you not see the CREEPY FACTOR there? Hope he hasn’t recently taken out a life policy on you.

It’s YOUR HUSBAND who should quit the choir. If he is to MAN UP, He needs to remove himself from the space he can’t control himself in. But he won’t do that will he? Does he know you’ve talked to this woman? And yet, he’s not HUMILATED that she knows of his undying love/crush for him. He brazenly goes to choir week after week to lead the group?

That is a very aggressive behavior.

He’s verbally abusive? He’s a manipulator putting on a show for others to make life look grand. He “gave his whole heart to this woman… under spiritual circumstances.” WOW!

He belittles you? He ridicules you? He thinks you should just get over it?

And your self esteem has taken a dive.

He will not go to counceling.

Ok, the Catholic thing to do is pray for this lost soul. Pray that he will truly see the error of his ways. Perhaps before you can totally forgive him, you can learn to have some sympathy for him. For a person who has committed adultry in his heart, in the name of GOD none the less (I suspect that falls into the category of mortal sin). We have no idea if he’s confessed his sins. However, his cont’d actions do not indicate he’s sorry. Pray for his eternal soul, he better hope and pray he has the time to properly repent.

THEN. GET YOURSELF TO A THERAPIST. If you’re going to stay in this marriage, and you have children you need to stand back up! You fake it 'till you make it. You need to realize you are OWED respect. If by no one else, YOURSELF.

I know your heart is breaking. But your mind must take over right now. You must show your body you care for yourself. You lose that weight FOR YOU! You show your children what a good Catholic, self respecting mother looks like. Even if your heart crumbles. Your heart WILL heal. But that will take time. In the mean time, you just BE the LOVABLE Woman and mother you are.

If your husband talks down to you. You tell him “no”. You may speak to me with thoughtful words only OR NOT AT ALL. And you will NOT speak to me in a rude tone EVER in front of our children. YOU WILL NOT teach our sons to be poor husbands and fathers. YOU WILL NOT teach our daughters to accept a lessor man, who thinks she’s is worthless. PRETEND if you MUST! But you will act like the husband and father you show to the outside world.

My heart breaks for you. This has gone beyond a “crush”. Those happen. But to put in WRITING a VOW. He seems to have forgotten he made a VERBAL VOW to you. Now which VOW is no big deal and means nothing?

In time you will be able to forgive him. But I think that will come when you can function AS YOU. Not a victim. You are still “bruised”. Even though you know it’s the right thing to do, it’s probably very hard to see clearly to actually forgive. To FULLY and TRULY forgive. We are human, we have strong emotions. God can forgive in an instant. He can truly read our hearts to know if we truly WANT forgiveness that we are TRULY SORRY. Pray that you will find that clearity. Right now, YOU NEED TO HEAL. Personally, I think that’s where your efforts should go. Remove his power over you. Decide you WILL FORGIVE HIM the moment you can. YOU WILL work towards that forgiveness.

If you can get your person back, I think You’ll find that forgiveness. You’ll realize that what he’s done, has damaged himself, and his soul more than you. He’s hurt your FEELINGS. And DEEPLY. 100000000% Valid. He’s jeapordized his soul. Pray he actually WANTS to be forgiven. That he’s truly sorry. Because YOUR forgiveness only gets him so far.

 

[puzzleannie]

Caveat: Not excusing the husbands behavior.

But if I read the OP correctly, the husband in no way acted out on his feelings with the woman in the choir. The woman in the choir did not even know of his feelings for her until the wife told her about it. I don’t know if this is a paid position and I know the rules are different for private organizations like the Church, but in the secular world if the person had not done anything, there would be nothing the business could do.

the rules are very clear and the choir director stepped over the line, whether he is paid or a volunteer

 

[Jesus_123]

why was the pastor not informed immediately when you became aware of your husband’s inappropriate behavior toward a choir member while engaged in a parish ministry?

+I am so sorry you are having to endure this terrible betrayal and heartache . . . and don’t believe for a second our Just and Holy God ever received . . . let alone would ever bless . . . such awful unholy evil sinful thoughts and vows from the deceived . . . deseased . . . sin filled soul and mind of your husband . . .

Please . . . as Puzzleannie brought out in the above post . . . make an appointment to talk with your priest and lay out this dreadful sinful situation before him . . . both you and your family . . . and your parish . . . desperately need God’s holy priest’s intervention to intervene and help to destroy and dissolve this parish circumstance and dreadful continued indulgence in the pursuing of occassions of sin right there in the heart of your family . . . and the church’s parish ministry . . .

This type of notification is so very necessary in such situations . . . your priest needs to be made completely aware of what your husband has been indulging himself in . . . including the dreadful completely evil adulterous “vow” he presumptiously made before the Lord ** . . . which was and is . . . **utterly unholy and mortally sinful . . . and a confession of habitual perpetuation of sin through constant disobedience and breaking of both the 7th and the 10th Commandments of God . . .

****. . . :coffeeread: . . .
The Ten Commandments
1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the **LORD **thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And **shewing mercy **unto thousands of them that love me, and KEEP **my **commandments.

3. ** Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD **thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.

4. ** Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the LORD **made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.

5. **Honour thy father and thy mother: **that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy **God **giveth thee.

6. Thou shalt not kill.

**7. ** **Thou shalt not commit adultery. **

:bible1: Matthew 5:28 But I say to you, that whosoever shall look on a woman to lust after her, hath already committed adultery with her in his heart.

8. ** Thou shalt not steal.**

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s WIFE, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ***, **nor any thing **that is thy neighbour’s.​

:bible1: John 14:23 Jesus answered, and said to him: If any one** love**** me**, he will** KEEP** my word, and **my Father **will love him, and we will come to him, and will make our abode with him.

:bible1: John 15:10 If you KEEP my commandments, you shall abide in my love; as **I **also have kept **my Father’s **commandments, and do abide in his love.​

all for Jesus+
. . . please help Sweet Spirit of our Gracious Holy God+​

 

[faithfully]

Jesus 123 - If you don’t mind in the future, if you’re going to use color… can you pick a different “gold”… Something a bit deeper/darker… My obviously aging eyes squint really hard on that… Maybe a dark gold/brown or an orange?

The other colors stand well against the forum colors… My eyes thank you!

 

[Jesus_123]

+The deeply disturbing facts of life you have discovered regarding your husband . . . and his ongoing behaviour to date . . . are such very serious and painful matters . . . it is so wonderful here in our Holy Mother Catholic Church that we have the knowledge and the holy pathway opened up for us to have recourse to the Holy :angel1: Angels . . . to seek their intercession and help in matters of things here on earth . . . the below prayer came to mind in this circumstance . . . it is a truly wonderful weapon in the warfare against the enemy of souls . . . bringing in as it does the intercession of the . . . Holy Archarangel of God . . . **St. Michael **. . . seeking his powerful intercessory help . . .


PRAYER TO
**SAINT MICHAEL
THE ARCHANGEL **

**St. Michael the Archangel, **
defend us in battle.
Be our defense against the wickedness
and snares of the Devil.
May God rebuke him,
we humbly pray,
and do
**thou, O Prince of the heavenly hosts, **
by the power of
God,
thrust into hell Satan,
and all the evil spirits,
who prowl about the world
seeking the ruin of souls.
Amen.

. . . all for Jesus+

. . . all for Jesus+
. . . Sacred Heart of Jesus+
. . . Have Mercy+
. . . thank You Powerful Holy Triune God+
. . . for so mercifully loving us+
. . . thank you Blessed Holy Archangel Michael+
. . . God sweetly bless and comfort this dear wife
who is suffering so profoundly+
. . . guide thy Holy Priest to act in Thy Stead
in Thy Holy Name Precious Lord+​

 

[Ellyakamommy]

We have several children, and leaving is not an option. Counseling is also not an option. I read an excellent article on why counseling often does not help if one partner is emotionally abusive, and many of the points fit my husband well. He is very practiced at presenting one persona publicly, and a different one privately. He has sabotaged previous counseling efforts by speaking privately with the counselor before we ever went as a couple, to manipulate the situation. And I know that is anything I said in counseling bothered him, I would suffer for it later.

I am sorry this is so long. Here is my question: How does one forgive when one has to live with the person who caused the hurt, and when they refuse to face the truth of what they did? My spiritual director told me that if I wish my husband well and not evil, if I pray for him, if I do not seek revenge, and if I WILL to forgive him even though my heart is still broken, then I can be at peace knowing I have forgiven him, even if my feelings have not yet caught up with my will. But because I am still hurting, my husband constantly accuses me of refusing to forgive. I would also like to know: what do others think my husband, or myself, or even the other woman should have done, or should do, in this situation? Thanks for any insights you might have to offer.

Has your husband asked for forgiveness? You point out that he refuses to face what he did, but also accuses you of refusing forgiveness. This sounds like some serious emotional manipulation.

I think you give counseling too little credit. You are right, that marriage counseling is unlikely to be successful, but you need to go for YOU. Right now, from what you describe, you are content/resigned/bearing along? to live unhappily in a house where your spouse emotionally abuses you and you let your children witness that every.single.day. I imagine that they don’t know the details, but they see your unhappiness and his mistreatment of you.

You ask how you can forgive your husband…I’m not sure it’s possible to really truly completely forgive him when each day he hurts you, by not cutting off contact with this woman, by not apologizing, and not attempting to repair your marriage. You can forgive him daily and daily he transgresses. This ‘vow’ isn’t over and done with. You can’t move on from it until it is. Something big needs to happen to change this situation you are living in.

At this point, he should not be leading a choir where this woman chooses to participate (she’s right, she did nothing wrong…so that means your husband needs to pack up and find a new job). He may choose to do it willingly or the pastor needs to be made aware of the situation.

I’m very sorry that your husband is putting all his emotional and spiritual energy in trying to get this woman into heaven with this vow and not YOU, whom he also made vows.