Trouble forgiving or getting over something wife said

[EasterJoy]

Thank you all for the replies and suggestions.

I’ve come to realize I need to just take a “chill pill” and let whatever will be, be.

I’m a “fixer/doer” by nature and when i see a “problem” i try to fix it. This is tremendously effecting how I’ve been acting in this situation.

Thank you again and prayerfully by the grace of God I can have the grace and charity to know when to speak but more importantly when not to speak.

Think about it this way: Sometimes you two share the crayons but on this the Lord has given her her own crayons and her own paper and inspiration from Himself to her directly, and you have to allow her to draw her own picture in the way she hears it from Him. Be patient–she is not done yet because HE is not done yet! Meanwhile, surely you have a sheet there begging, placed in front of you? If you are in need of inspiration, you know where to turn.

If you cannot say something nice…well, you know the rest!

 

[underacloud]

Thank you all for the replies and suggestions.

I’ve come to realize I need to just take a “chill pill” and let whatever will be, be.

I’m a “fixer/doer” by nature and when i see a “problem” i try to fix it. This is tremendously effecting how I’ve been acting in this situation.

Thank you again and prayerfully by the grace of God I can have the grace and charity to know when to speak but more importantly when not to speak.

Ah, yes, pretty typical man problem. Wife talks about an issue - husband hears a problem that must be fixed - but wife really just wanted someone to listen, not fix it for her.

I do this too. And in fact I find it immensely frustrating to just have to listen and not try to fix it. But that is often what must be done.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Us “fixers” and “doers” have to step back when it comes to listening to a woman vent. Most of the time, all she wants is to be heard and all she wants to know about you in that moment is that you heard her. Most of the time, that’s all that’s needed … she’ll go away feeling a lot better even if the issue isn’t resolved. Sometimes it’s the same thing over and over again, like an uncooperative co-worker for example. That used to drive me nuts, now I understand better about just listening. smh, but that’s how they often are. So … wait for her to specifically ask for your help. Maybe ask a few follow up questions to make sure she really wants your help. “Fixing” her problems is a dang difficult habit to break, as a habitual problem solver, I get that, but breaking that habit is a necessary condition to the health of your relationship.

That said, while some moodiness, anger and frustration are to be expected, there do exist people who blow up too often, have to watch out for that. I’ve been around my share of women with BPD and that is not a fun place to be. But I think the OP will be okay if he learns to step back a bit, just listen and wait on her to ask for help, he might have to bite his tongue the first few times he does this.

 

[Beryllos]

Sounds good.

 

[mommamaree]

During RCIA, especially when a couple is converting together, Satan will attack you most aggressively. You will experience such spiritual attack, in your inner life (manifested possibly by doubt and despair and self-loathing to the point of suicidal ideation) and in your external life, and most especially in your marriage. Marital discord often reaches an all-time high during discernment and conversion. Spouses do strange and hurtful things that are either out of character or at a level beyond their normal acting out while under stress. This is a time to join together with your spouse as a united front against the enemy. Acknowledge that you are experiencing serious spiritual attack and forgive each other for what has been said or done while under such duress and move forward together. Pray together daily the chaplet of St. Michael. Pray the Rosary too if you can do both everyday. St. Michael the Archangel and the Blessed Virgin are the best allies in spiritual combat.

I know all of this is true because I have lived it, and everyone else I know who went through RCIA, especially with their spouse, experienced the same phenomenon. God bless you!

 

[Mintaka]

RCIA jitters are perfectly normal.

And yes, it’s also normal for the Devil to get very frustrated, and try to take it out on the candidates. Prayer is a good way to fight him. Feel free to use holy water, etc.; you don’t have to be totally in the Church to use sacramentals.

 

[EasterJoy]

Us “fixers” and “doers” have to step back when it comes to listening to a woman vent. Most of the time, all she wants is to be heard and all she wants to know about you in that moment is that you heard her. Most of the time, that’s all that’s needed … she’ll go away feeling a lot better even if the issue isn’t resolved. Sometimes it’s the same thing over and over again, like an uncooperative co-worker for example. That used to drive me nuts, now I understand better about just listening. smh, but that’s how they often are. So … wait for her to specifically ask for your help. Maybe ask a few follow up questions to make sure she really wants your help. “Fixing” her problems is a dang difficult habit to break, as a habitual problem solver, I get that, but breaking that habit is a necessary condition to the health of your relationship.

That said, while some moodiness, anger and frustration are to be expected, there do exist people who blow up too often, have to watch out for that. I’ve been around my share of women with BPD and that is not a fun place to be. But I think the OP will be okay if he learns to step back a bit, just listen and wait on her to ask for help, he might have to bite his tongue the first few times he does this.

Just for the record, our world is hardly without its female “fixers”!

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

PS there are “doubts” and there are “doubts”. Not all doubts are a problem in being Catholic. Perhaps your priest, rather than you, should help your wife work through them. Husbands and wives do not usually make the best spiritual advisors for each other.

Good point. We can have doubts and struggle but as long as we keep an open mind and an open heart there is no problem- we are letting God work and are moving on our spiritual journey, even if that happens in baby steps. Sometimes people make many baby steps, that include backwards as well, and then they make a big leap. This is all normal stuff.

I also agree that a priest would be the person to help her at this point. Try and make that happen.

 

[ClearWater]

Insofar as forgiving…if you truly want to forgive…here are some things to try.

Go over your relationship, this time focusing on when YOU have lost your temper…try to recall, in great detail…what you did and said.

There is also looking at a story of Christ, focusing on the crucifixion, recalling his innocence. If he can forgive us sinners, when we are all guilty, we need to forgive EVERYONE!

Also, remember the story Christ told about a master forgiving a HUGE debt and then having the servant turn around, NOT forgive. Then, the master called this servant in…said he had been forgiven his debt…but since he was unwilling to forgive others, he would NOT be forgiven his debt after all.

But yes, the verbal violence DOES need to STOP!

I would say to focus on the manner of communication rather than the communication, itself. Ask to make a rule that even when fighting, you will be respectful…use “fair fighting” techniques…if one falls down…he or she will apologize…

Equally, though, it’d probably be helpful not to insist, nag, or pressure in any way. She can’t “resist” unless you are applying some degree of pressure. Let her be, and she just might come around in her own time, surprise you.