Trouble forgiving

[Edy]

I love my mother. Growing up I never had issues with the way she was raising me, although everyone around me did. Neglect and physical abuse were normal to me.

I’m the oldest of 6. I practically raised 3 of my younger siblings. Recently the second oldest of us touched on the issues he’s been through. His partner describes the same difficulties that my partner does, with having to sacrifice time as a teenager, to raise younger siblings. This lead me to revisit my feelings on growing up.

I hate that I never had time to be a teenager, to grow and to have freedom, among other things. I feel the Lord urging me to find forgiveness. I like to pretend that it’s too difficult to forgive but I think there is a part of me that doesn’t want to. When I take the time to find forgiveness on certain situations, I’m flooded with a batch of other memories that I’m not happy about.

Forgive us our trespassers as we forgive those who trespass against us.

I feel like I don’t want to forgive. But at the same time there are things I want my children to forgive me for. I’m a hypocrite in that respect.

Ultimately I want to know if there’s some simple steps to finding forgiveness when in this situation.

 

[CRV]

Here are five articles that may be helpful to you:-
5 Keys to Healing, in particular the second in the series - Forgiveness is possible.

 

[Greenfields]

I’m not really sure , but your opening sentence about loving your mother and that you never had an issue growing up do stand out for me.
The you of now has regrets for the you way back then …and yet you didn’t seem too discontent about it back then
Lots of us missed out on this and that…if i start to dwell on it then then I can begin to be resentful
and discontent but that doesn’t help me now,and wouldn’t be fair to my parents now…it could cause them sadness to bring it up.
It’s good to recognise some failings that have happened ,and then as a parent to quietly try and not repeat that with our own kids.
Perhaps at mass at the sign of peace time think of your mother and really forgive her then ,and then pray for her at the consecration .

 

[Dan_Defender]

The first step in forgiveness is realizing that we all make mistakes. I used to judge my relatives growing up, when it became clear everyone around me was less than perfect. But then knowing all that, I went through my own period of being worldly, hurting myself and others. And so it became clear I was not that much better than them, just had less life experience. Perspective makes it easier to forgive.

 

[Edy]

The biggest issue is that my brother went through it too, and I’m now one of those people who wanted to tell him to make a stand.

Now mum only has the youngest two home. Both of which are being neglected because of pool tournaments, darts and alcoholism in general. Half of what I went through but it’s enough to make the thought of forgiveness very difficult.

I guess I need to forgive myself for not recognizing it earlier and doing something about it. But my relationship with my mother is in a tough spot right now. It’s impossible for anyone to get through to her(evidently) let alone me.

Perhaps it’s easier to forgive after something has happened. But trying to forgive while it’s happening 24/7 seems impossible.

Because I had difficulty with what the Lord wanted, I decided to ring her last night, but she was out drinking. My siblings were home alone. I said I’d call back today but I’m not sure I want to.

 

[Dorothy]

We can forgive someone with our will, without the emotions of forgiveness. The desire to forgive counts with God. When resentful thoughts invade our minds we can again tell the Lord we desire to forgive and pray for that person. That battle may go on for a while.

With the help of the grace of God, eventually you will no longer be caught up in resentments. It is now that counts, not what happened in the past.

 

[Greenfields]

Perhaps if you live reasonably close by you could take the youngest two siblings out to other activities that are healthy (fishing, hiking,anywhere outdoors and away from home) Help open their minds to all the good things in life ,and counteract some of the ugliness.

 

[Edy]

I know most of that. Somehow I lost sight. I think because I want to do it all at once, so I don’t have to keep revisiting the pain.

Time to toughen up, and ask God for a softer heart.

 

[Hoosier-Daddy]

What does didn’t get to be a teenager really mean in the entirety of the world’s population? Throughout history teens have had parents die, fought in wars, had to work to survive, watched siblings starve, etc. You are alive. You have incredible blessings and freedoms billions of people never had. But you are focused on a time of awkwardness for most? Live your best, holiest life now! Dont look back!

 

[awesomecatholic]

Wow, I’m sorry about your difficult past. Right now, I have lots of problems with my family, although it is not abuse, I still have a tough time. I think it is important to know we all make mistakes. Ask God to help you forgive your mother. Forgiveness is possible for you. The devil wants you to wallow and does not want you to forgive, but God does. I once meditated on forgiveness, the director asked us to tell the people in our hearts we were trying to forgive,“I forgive you, I love you, you no longer have a hold on me” It always amazes me how Jesus forgives us. Everytime we screw up, he always waits for us to come back to him. We should be like Jesus is. Good luck, you are in my prayers and God bless you!

 

[Edy]

My step dad(s) loved my brothers, but despised me. I couldn’t go skateboarding with my mates because I had to baby sit. I had to cook and clean for them. I’d be promised pocket money, and on the odd occasion I did get some, mum would want to borrow it to buy more alcohol. I lost count of the number of times I saw my mum beating her husband or boyfriends. Until she met one who would beat her.

Every time family stopped in to visit, I was playing playstation while baby sitting. They’d tell me it’s not right, but at the time I didn’t care. If she wasn’t working then she was at the pub. I lost most of my friends because I didn’t socialise with them.

To top it all off I was no angel. One time my brother wouldn’t stop crying so I filled his bottle with alcohol and laughed as he kept walking into the wall. I’d steal mums car and go drifting while I left my siblings at home alone, reaching 160km in a 50km zone. I found a large box of marijuana in the shed and would experiment. I could choose from the porno mags under her bed, or her boyfriend’s collection in the shed.

When I met my wife, she would spend lots of time with me, and gave me a shot at socializing. Unfortunately this meant she lost her virginity at 14, when I was 15 (I lost mine at 4).

Talking to Drs about my past has forced me to self reflect also. I feel like I’m telling a story about this crazy movie i watched, but in reality it was my childhood and teenage years. And this isn’t even the half of it. I’m torn between blaming mum and understanding that she had a rough past too. I feel like if she really cared then she wouldn’t have exposed me to such a volatile environment.

But I guess your right, I survived.

 

[Edy]

I had an incredible experience forgiving while walking in the bush. I was drawn there one day, and I felt Christ urging me to forgive people i didn’t even think I had issues with. Reading the Bible, it spoke about my father and made me realise I had to forgive him for walking out. That was just the beginning, I was able to forgive many people including myself. It’s actually part of my testimony and the first time I heard Christ speak. It was an incredible experience.

I may need to go for another walk with Christ, to accomplish my goal of forgiveness. I feel like the solitude and surrounding myself with only what God created in nature, is the best way to hear what he wants me to do, and also how to do it.