Trouble Keeping my Family Together

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maryjane123

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I have always felt that I have had a hard time holding on to my husband. Even when we were dating I felt like I was always the one doing the chasing. Well that was almost 19 years ago and things have not changed I feel like he always has one foot out the door and could leave at any time. I am an only child of divorced parents. My husband is the middle child in his family. His parents are still married and he has a younger sister and an older sister. It seems like things are either really really good with us or really really bad. There is not much in between. We argue alot lately and he always jumps to divorce. I get very upset about this. I never want to think about divorce and I would and have endured alot of heartache with him without even thinking about divorce. There is not a line that he has not crossed in our marriage. We have two children they are a girl 10 and a boy 12. We are raising them in a beautiful loving small catholic school. My husband is a cradle catholic from parents who are still married. I am an only child from divorced parents and I became cathoilic through the RCIA program (which was such a blessing). I believe that my husband may be on his way out of the marriage. My heart is breaking. He speaks to me in such a rude manner and frequently uses the F word. He is being mentally abusive and I fear that physical abuse will soon follow. I wish that I could please him and keep him happy all the time. All that I want is to keep my family strong and together in this tough world. I did not have that and so I really know how powerful it is and I want it so badly for my children. However, my children sense the stress and they know that we fight. What is worse? I need someone to listen and help me. I dont want to tell any of my freinds at church. They would be shocked. I don’t have any siblings or cousins to talk to. I do have my mother but she is not good in these situations and my just turn on my husband just to take my side and that will not help. There is just so much more and I don’t know where to start or what to do I am truly lost and sad and I am not so sure how much longer I can fake out the people all around me. Any thoughts?
 
There is a lot of things that could be bothering your husband.Finances,problems at work etc.Most, if not all of us have poor comunication skills.We have a hard time explaining "feelings"and because of this,it sometimes comes out as anger.We can be inconsiderate,selfish and pretty stupid sometimes(not your husband,thats me:D ).I will pray for you and your husband and you.
 
I do think the previous poster had the best advice. Marriage is a lot of hard work, and I’m glad you are giving it the chance your parents didn’t. Communication is key, and requires a lot of patience. You must remain receptive to your husband, and ask him how he’s doing, without being pushy. Don’t give in to his arguments, don’t argue with him, just remain calm and continually receptive.

Remind him of happy times, remind him of how much you both love the children, remind him of all the good things you share. Most importantly remind yourself of all the reasons this marriage is worth strengthening. Remind yourself why YOU are worth loving. Renew your interests, and try to involve your husband and yourself in new activities.

The worst thing you can do is think that you had to convince your husband to marry you. He made that choice, on his own free will. Your husband isn’t your entire life either. God is your life. Renew your faith in God, and you’ll be able to lessen your reliance and dependency on your husband.

I’ll pray for you.
 
Your husband is verbally abusive and always has you on edge with threats of divorce. What are your children learning about marriage from this example?

I strongly recommend counseling for both of you or if he will not go, for you alone. You need to learn how to deal with this. And if he does cross the line into physical abuse, you need an exit plan. No man has the right to abuse his family, regardless of whether or not he wants to be a part of it.
 
maryjane123 said:
I am an only child of divorced parents. This could have something to do with your insecurity, particularly if you felt you had to “win” your dad. We argue alot lately and he always jumps to divorce. I get very upset about this. I never want to think about divorce and I would and have endured alot of heartache with him without even thinking about divorce. Because it gets a rise out of you, I bet, each and every time. He yells “Divorce” and you don’t bother him, or you apologize, or you appease. There is not a line that he has not crossed in our marriage.And I bet you let him get away with it each and every time. We have two children they are a girl 10 and a boy 12. We are raising them in a beautiful loving small catholic school. Are you afraid your children will have to leave that school if you divorce their dad or vice versa? I believe that my husband may be on his way out of the marriage. My heart is breaking. He speaks to me in such a rude manner and frequently uses the F word. He is being mentally abusive and I fear that physical abuse will soon follow. The Church does not expect you to stay in an abusive relationship. Call the women’s shelter when he is not around and make an escape plan. I wish that I could please him and keep him happy all the time. If he’s mentally, verbally or physically abusive, that won’t ever happen. Stop trying. All that I want is to keep my family strong and together in this tough world. I did not have that and so I really know how powerful it is and I want it so badly for my children. Sometimes we do not get exactly what we want in this life. How about you settle for yourself and the kids being strong, and maybe he’ll follow, maybe he won’t.However, my children sense the stress and they know that we fight. What is worse? That’s up to you to decide, but I’d have to say from this post it’s the abuse. I need someone to listen and help me. I dont want to tell any of my freinds at church. They would be shocked. So enlighten them. I don’t have any siblings or cousins to talk to. I do have my mother but she is not good in these situations and my just turn on my husband just to take my side and that will not help. There is just so much more and I don’t know where to start or what to do I am truly lost and sad and I am not so sure how much longer I can fake out the people all around me. Any thoughts?
1.) Stop giving away the family store to appease him, and letting him do whatever he wants whenever he yells “Divorce!”
2.) Even Catholic men can be jerks. Being born a Catholic does not guarantee sainthood.
3.) Call your local women’s shelter. Call a counselor for you. You can’t make him better. He is in charge of what he does, and he chooses to abuse you.
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I also struggle with becoming a good husband and a man of God… I know how difficult it can be.

I will pray for your family tonight.
 
I’m sorry maryjane…

I agree with ‘burbs.’ I think you are in an abusive situation–whether it’s verbal right now, it’s wreaking havoc on your health I’d imagine, and your everyday life. To never know if someone is going to abandon you is no way to live.

As I typically do, I recommend counseling…I wouldn’t ‘chase’ him anymore, though. Build yourself up through your relationship with Christ, and don’t allow this man to put you down anymore. If your marriage is ever going to work and be a happy one…he will need to step up to the plate. He needs to want to be there, himself. Being a downtrodden wife is not a requirement for a fulfilling and peaceful marriage. If anything, he won’t ever change, if you continue to be a doormat for him.

You can’t force someone to stay in your life…I would stop chasing, and start living. I don’t suggest leaving, I think there is hope in all marriages, if TWO people are willing. That’s the key though–he has to be willing or your marriage will always be what you have always seen.

I’d seek counseling, and if he is willing to do that, that is a push in the right direction.

In the meantime, you’re in my prayers.
 
Good morning.Most men are not taught how to be “good husbands”.I’m not excusing bad behaviour,but we are not taught.When you and your can spend some time together,Please read these in Sacred Scripture:Ep.5:21-32,1Co.4-7.Will continue to pray for you and your husband.Peace.
 
I dearly thank everyone for the prayers. There is strength and power in prayer. Many times my mind just spins wth all of the things that I want to pray about. I find myself praying the Hail Mary over and over. It feels so powerful and beautiful. I pray that I can find the wisdom and strength within to make the right choices for my family and myself. My husband can be the sweetest man I know and then 2 days later he can become like a distant stranger. One day telling me that I hold the key to his heart and saying that I am his best friend and then 2 days later he will tell me that he thinks that he made a mistake marrying me. When I do things the way he likes then he is happy with me and loving towards men telling the world that I am a good woman and when I fail to do things the right way (his way) then he becomes very angry with me and insults me. The types of things that I am referring to can be simple things like how I park the car or how I open or pack the dishwasher. Other major things are that he does’nt feel that I am frugal enough with money or that he has noticed that I have gained weight. He gets upset if I snack or if I have not been on the treadmill in a few days. He says that if I am not watching my weight I am taking him for granted and that spouses should take care of themselves out of respect for each other. They should not get fat. My husband thinks that if I do not do these things like he says nicely the first time that I am be disrespectful to him. I have told him that I do not mean to disrespect my husband. I am just a creature of habit. I try to remember how he wants me to do things but often I get in a hurry and forget. For example he wants me to walk the dog in a certain part of the yard for her to do her business. Sometimes when she does her business it is not in the proper area and he gets upset with me. I do work outside the home and I am a Girl scout troop leader. Most of our friends (who are stay at home moms) always comment on how clean and organized our house is and I do try very hard to keep it that way because I know how much he likes that and I like it too. However, if I complain about being busy he will say things like I don’t know what you are complaining about. He says that I have it so easy. I do have a wonderful job however, my heart is always about being at home with my children and being a mom. My husband expects me to put a ceratin dollar amount in the bank every month. He keeps all other money separate. He wants to have separate retirement accounts and savings etc… I make at least 30% less than him but he still expects me to contribute the same as him. Are any other people going through this type of problem? Is my husband too controlling? We did try counseling several years ago but it only made things worse. He did not like the things that the counselor had to say. He made rude comments about her like" I am woman hear me roar" and other woman related negative comments. This was a counselor with Catholic Social Services. If he would go to counseling again I think that we would need a male counselor. He has some negative feeling towards women, the womens movement etc… I am not a feminist. I do believe that the womans movement did alot of good no doubt. However, I do wonder if maybe some things went too far and did damage to the family unit. Well wish me strength today. My husband is already showing signs of being upset with me. He is short in conversation. Does not say I love you and has left to go meet with his father today and did not even tell me goodbye. I will look forward to your (name removed by moderator)ut and I am deeply touched by your prayers. God bless you.
 
Mary Jane,

I was going to reply with all of the red flags in your post in bold, but there were too many- your entire post is a red flag. I don’t have personal experience with this kind of abuse, but there are many on this forum who do, and what you are posting sounds like what they have described- the capricious behavior, the irrational demands, the need to control everything, the outright cruelty to you. Please seek help for yourself. And please consider what your children are seeing in this house and in this marriage- the constant disrespect for their mother. Would you want your daughter to live like this? 😦
 
wardrandolph said:
Good morning.Most men are not taught how to be “good husbands”.I’m not excusing bad behaviour,but we are not taught.When you and your can spend some time together,Please read these in Sacred Scripture:Ep.5:21-32,1Co.4-7.Will continue to pray for you and your husband.Peace.
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I disagree with that. I think boys learn how to be good husbands, by watching their dads. If dad treated mom badly, or was an absentee dad, that could very well be why a boy will grow up to treat his wife poorly. My son is learning how to treat a woman (hopefully) through how he sees his dad treat me. The best thing a man can do for his kids, is love their mom.😉 That’s how boys learn.
 
I think you are in a very verbally/mentally abusive and controlling relationship, maryjane and need to really start thinking about the future with this person.

What type of relationship does your husband have with his mother?

Prayers to you.
😦
 
whatevergirl said:
I think you are in a very verbally/mentally abusive and controlling relationship, maryjane and need to really start thinking about the future with this person.

What type of relationship does your husband have with his mother?

Prayers to you.
😦
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I also wonder what sort of relationship the parents-in-law have with each other- perhaps the husband learned this behavior by observation. In which case- what is the young son in this house learning about how to treat women (not to mention what the daughter is learning about how she should expect to be treated)? 😦
 
First of all I just want to say thank you for reading my post. It has given me a real boost and I believe that it has helped me so much to be able to speak about my worries. I have been so silent for so long and I have pushed down so many feelings deep inside my heart. You asked about my in laws. Well, I am not sure if they are really very happy. Only recently did this begin to surface. When my husband was a child he says that his parents never fought. He said they always had a very very strong UNITED FRONT for the children. I can’t help but wonder if that was actually a good thing. I think that children need to see some disagreement in order to learn how to work things out properly. Also, you asked how he treats his mother. Well he adores her she is darn near perfect in his eyes. I do adore her also. However, he does not get along with his father. His mother says that they are like oil and water and have always been. I get along fine with him and he has never made me feel unliked. As weird as this may seem I feel like my husband and is father are actually very alike. I have mentioned this to my husband in the past and he has gotten very angry with me to the point that I am somewhat afraid of him. I guess that somewhere inside him that strikes a chord and perhaps he does not want to deal with that. Again, because he does not like his dad. I believe that a large factor is because he has said to me many many times that his dad never showed much interst in him as a child. He always felt as if he was in the way. I even think that he had a bad nick name for him like “Captain Stupid” or something mean like that. He says that his dad never once went to one of his sporting events or even played ball outside. I have tried to help him work through this but I have not been successful. Many times my husband will get upset with me and say that I did not thank him for the things that he does around the house or that I show no interest in the projects that he does like building a rock wall in the garden or staining the fence. I do appreciate these many wonderful things and more! I do the same things inside the home as most wives do but I don’t get upset if he fails to thank me I just feel like I know he appreciates it. I guess like an unsaid thing. Maybe that is not a good way to look at it? I also forgot to add that my husband did see a social worker a few years ago reguarding a problem at work and she told him that she thought that he is very very sensitive and that was most likely a result of his relationship with his father. She also told him that no matter what he did the realtionship would most likely stay the same. Many times my husband will try to do things or special favors for his dad. I think he just wants to get some appreciation form him. Furthermore, I must say that my husband is a good father to our children in almost every area. He does talk to them alot and play with them. He has been an assistant basketball coach and he is usually the on to take our son to his boyscout meetings. Goodness he even likes to play board games and so on. However, he does get mad at them and when he does look out, he will yell and use many curse words towards the children. Sometimes he will get so upset he will then begin to blame me for having the two children so close together in age. He claims that he did not want the children so close. I on the other hand wanted a large family if it was to be God’s will. Sadly, shortly after my daughter was born my husband decided that he did not want anymore children with me or anyone else (if he were to leave me) and he went and had a vasectomy against my wishes. I must say that it broke my heart. It was all so very final and empty. It is funny that when you are smack dab in the middle of something you really can not see the forrest for the trees. If my life were a moving being played out the viewer would be able to see it all as plain as day-what to avoid, what to say or do in those trying situations. I apologize for rambling on so much. I just don’t know where to turn. This is also my first experience with this type of internet communication. I am not computer savy to say the least. Thank you all so much. God Bless you and your families.
 
I don’t think it’s always a bad thing that your in-laws presented a united front, but I also don’t think it’s healthy to hide all disagreements from the children. My husband’s parents did this and it’s been a struggle to get him to understand that couples do argue, and that respectful disagreement is occasionally healthy. His mother has some serious issues and I wonder how much of that is from bottling up her emotions for decades. I love my husband, and my father-in-law, but the men in that family are of the “stiff upper lip-show no emotion” variety (confirmed by talking with the wives of some of my husband’s cousins) and it’s like pulling teeth to get anything out of them sometimes. 🤷

It’s entirely possible that your husband is dealing with unresolved issues with his father. I know that was the root source of a lot of problems that my parents had for years- my father had a rocky relationship with his dad, and his dad then died suddenly when my dad was a teenager, so nothing could ever be resolved. My father did have an awful, irrational temper at times and he did say some awful things at times. But he has gotten past it. My mom did threaten to leave, and she stopped taking his verbal assaults. My dad’s had some counseling, and he’s worked hard on letting go of the past and enjoying what he has. I think there’s a lot less stress, too, now that I’m raised and out of the house- he doesn’t have to worry about taking care of me, or worry that he’ll have a heart attack like his dad and leave my mom widowed with a child.

My parents celebrated their 37th anniversary last summer, and they seem to have a strong, happy marriage at this point. They both had to make major changes in their interactions with each other to get to that point. You and your husband sound like you both need to make those changes as well, but you can only change yourself, how you respond to his attacks, how you protect your children, how you move forward from this point. You’ve already taken a major step by talking about it. This is a good start. :hug1:
 
Thanks for sharing with us, maryjane. It could be too that your husband’s ‘vision’ of his mother being ‘perfect,’ has stunted his view of you as a wife and mother…like no other woman can ‘measure up.’ I have known a few men who have treated their wives as such…the mom on a pedestal, the wife treated poorly.

Your husband needs serious counseling. He is not doing his kids or your marriage any favors, by his unresolved feelings with his dad. He needs to get to a place where he no longer looks to his dad for approval. Until he gets there, I’m afraid your marriage will continue along this path. He really needs to get to a recovery process, and I admire your willingness to wish to help him. But, please…stand up for yourself. Don’t allow him to treat you badly, especially scare you. You posted that at times, his behavior has caused you to be afraid of him.

I hope things works out…and you and he are in my prayers for a good resolution to all of this. I pray that he gets the help he needs, and starts to display his love for you, in the way a loving wife like you deserves.

God bless.
 
I’m sorry to be Captain Obvious, but have you ever requested that your husband talk/argue to/with you without the “D” word being mentioned?

We have that rule in our marriage. Yes, my DH sometimes breaks the rule, and I have – once.

But when reminded of the “rule” we get back to the task at hand. I am so sorry you feel so insecure in all of your marital dealings. It’s obviously a power-play he utilizes, and I am sorry you are feeling the effects all these years later.

I also suggest you stop talking to your mom about this. Your memory is much shorter than hers. AND EVEN IF she is kind enough not to bring it up at every conversation she will still be on your side to the end. You cant ask for her to be objective – she’s your mom! I HOPE she is is on your side! Thank her for that!

For that matter ask DH to stop bringing up divorce, and if he does, trump him one – go to a lawyer about starting the process and say you have had ENOUGH. I can guarentee that will get his attention and when you say “ok I am going forward or else you stop saying the “d” word” – you’ll get compliance.

STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. GEESH.
 
KCtheMommy said:
STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. GEESH.
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Going to strongly disagree with you here, KC–standing up for herself could very well get her a fist in her face, or worse, if what she says is correct.

Maryjane, I can’t recommend enough going to your women’s shelter and getting your escape plan ready. If you have even the teeniest bit of fear that he’ll physically abuse you, then you must do this for yourself and your children. If your city doesn’t have a shelter, then check with your community action agency, welfare office or your church for referrals of people who can help you.

Wishing you luck, Hun. ❤️
 
twosweetgirls said:
Going to strongly disagree with you here, KC–standing up for herself could very well get her a fist in her face, or worse, if what she says is correct.

Maryjane, I can’t recommend enough going to your women’s shelter and getting your escape plan ready. If you have even the teeniest bit of fear that he’ll physically abuse you, then you must do this for yourself and your children. If your city doesn’t have a shelter, then check with your community action agency, welfare office or your church for referrals of people who can help you.

Wishing you luck, Hun. ❤️
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He hasn’t hit her, and at this point he is just angry. I think it is wrong to assume that he shall go further. Especially if the two were married for a number of years and he hasn’t done something like this during that time.

I recommend taking sometime with your husband and talking to him. Not about the trivial issues, like what happened at the shed, or the driveway, but that you love him and that you are there for him to talk about any issue concerning him. That he should not ever have to fear about being alone, because you are beside him to help him deal with all of his problems.

He seems like there is something upsetting him at work that is triggering all of this. You need to be there for him when he is ready to open up.
 
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