T
ThisOne
Guest
No, I have not made it. I thought I had yesterday, but I am totally despairing of everything now. I feel as I am so far from anything connected to God’s love that I have been totally abandoned to my own miserable self.I have known many people with mental illness, myself being among them.
It seems like hell, and others seem to make it worse the more they try to help, although I don’t want them to give up trying to find a way to help.
Please be in confidence that this horror will pass. When I almost lost hope for several months I actually became suicidal so bad people thought I was just pretending. They had no idea it was really the thoughts racing in my head.
Strangely, this morning I found a great deal of peace in God, and if I told you what I (or others) saw near the adoration chapel today then I know you would accept my offer to help find peace on this earth.
Merry Christmas, and may God whom you so eagerly seek find you and bless you amply, and give your mind the rest it deserves and needs.
Alan
edit: I noticed your comment about not knowing whether you will make it or not. Without explaining why, after reading your message I think you have already made it. In fact, simply reading your writing has helped me personally, believe it or not, in ways I’ll never be able to explain. Peace, again, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!
My mind thinks only of my suffering, my failure, and I call out to Christ to help me and all I feel is self-pity, pain, and tears.
I truly hate my life and I hate what I have become. I cannot make it like this.
This feels like hell itself and I don’t know what I did to deserve it.
What did you see at the chapel?
I don’t know how to pray right, I guess, I ask for help in my extremity and I get nothing.
Yesterday my psychotherapist said something about grieving over the time I lost with my delusion that I was an ugly monster, and maybe that’s what I am doing. But that doesn’t change the total pain. I am grieving over a life wasted and filled with pain and that I really wish would be over.
If I can’t get the strength to persevere without this level of pain, I cannot function.
I was able last night to become engrossed in reading the There is no God thread and was struck several times by the unfathomability of the notion of eternity and infiniteness in a way that I had never been before. It frightened me that it was so beyond my ability to imagine, and I though that God doesn’t want us to think about things that can only boggle our minds and scare us. He wants us to deal with what is local. Well, what is local to me is nothing and nobody and pain and tears and regret and more pain.
I haven’t the strength to be an unwanted, unloved, unlovely, child of God all by myself.