Trouble praying-Why?

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AlanFromWichita:
I have known many people with mental illness, myself being among them.

It seems like hell, and others seem to make it worse the more they try to help, although I don’t want them to give up trying to find a way to help.

Please be in confidence that this horror will pass. When I almost lost hope for several months I actually became suicidal so bad people thought I was just pretending. They had no idea it was really the thoughts racing in my head.

Strangely, this morning I found a great deal of peace in God, and if I told you what I (or others) saw near the adoration chapel today then I know you would accept my offer to help find peace on this earth.

Merry Christmas, and may God whom you so eagerly seek find you and bless you amply, and give your mind the rest it deserves and needs.

Alan
edit: I noticed your comment about not knowing whether you will make it or not. Without explaining why, after reading your message I think you have already made it. In fact, simply reading your writing has helped me personally, believe it or not, in ways I’ll never be able to explain. Peace, again, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year! 🙂
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No, I have not made it. I thought I had yesterday, but I am totally despairing of everything now. I feel as I am so far from anything connected to God’s love that I have been totally abandoned to my own miserable self.

My mind thinks only of my suffering, my failure, and I call out to Christ to help me and all I feel is self-pity, pain, and tears.

I truly hate my life and I hate what I have become. I cannot make it like this.

This feels like hell itself and I don’t know what I did to deserve it.

What did you see at the chapel?

I don’t know how to pray right, I guess, I ask for help in my extremity and I get nothing.

Yesterday my psychotherapist said something about grieving over the time I lost with my delusion that I was an ugly monster, and maybe that’s what I am doing. But that doesn’t change the total pain. I am grieving over a life wasted and filled with pain and that I really wish would be over.

If I can’t get the strength to persevere without this level of pain, I cannot function.

I was able last night to become engrossed in reading the There is no God thread and was struck several times by the unfathomability of the notion of eternity and infiniteness in a way that I had never been before. It frightened me that it was so beyond my ability to imagine, and I though that God doesn’t want us to think about things that can only boggle our minds and scare us. He wants us to deal with what is local. Well, what is local to me is nothing and nobody and pain and tears and regret and more pain.

I haven’t the strength to be an unwanted, unloved, unlovely, child of God all by myself.
 
Dear This One

Now friend, straighten up and fly right!

You know God loves you, but a relationship with God is not all about getting something out of God, that would be purely selfish of us, we too must also give to God and stop thinking of ourself, but think of God and others.

I don’t know if you are feeling depressed or if you are despairing in a dry spell in the spiritual life and sometimes both seem very much the same. So to be on the safe side seek spiritual help from a Priest and medical help from a Doctor. I would say you are a very sensitive and open hearted person and you feel everything keenly, I can relate to this.

Your heart is an open book and you lay it open for all to see, infact you wear your heart upon your sleeve and so it is there for all to see and in this some care for it, but some also misuse it and therefore misuse you. This has happened to you and so when people have treated you this way this alters your perception of God and this transfers onto your relationship with God and so you think the same is happening with God, but I assure you it is not the same with God as He always loves you and never abuses your friendship.

You lack friends because simply people are not used to such an open heart, your heart illuminates the love they lack and they make you feel alone and rejected and so you find yourself seemingly alone, but you are never alone because the One who shares the heart you possess is Christ Jesus. This world is a lonely world for those who truly follow Christ Jesus and you must strive to find like-minds and hearts and if you ask Jesus for such friends He most certainly will gift them to you as did Jesus find the twelve and all those thereafter who truly love Him. The truth is no-one was ever more lonely, more mis-understood, than Christ Jesus. If a person ever finds themselves lonely then they are truly close to Christ.

You have a friend in me and that is a sincere statement and so you see you need never despair and you may message me anytime and I am sure when I say this, that other members of the forum will echo my friendship and offer the same to you because friend, we are, in Christ Jesus, a family, and you are not alone, not now, not ever.

Be courageous, pray for courage to the Holy Spirit because the Christian heart is brave and you are brave because what you have written is what many feel but do not have the courage to admit.

Never give up, never give in, always hope and always pray. God is calling you closer to Him.

I will pray for you and you pray for me when you remember.

with love and God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa
 
Thank you, Teresa. Yesterday I was able to see the truth and feel as if I really understood.

About an hour ago I took an Ativan, even though it’s a depressant, because I couldn’t take it anymore and thought maybe it would do something beneficial. It has calmed me down, and now I feel more “normal.” I’m on Zoloft now trying to find the right dosage. The torment of before may be alleviated somewhat, but the fact remains that I have wasted my life, even though I thought I was doing the best I could. All I said before still stands, only now the torment is less and I am able to pray calmly and the crying has stopped.

But my life remains a problem. I told my psychotherapist that I didn’t want to “grieve” over all the time I lost, because it’s so depressing and look what happened. That’s exactly what I did. I want get better. I am terrified of having to go out and try to connect to people. I thought Christ was going to transform me into the person He wanted me to be, and I cooperated as much as I was able, but I guess I didn’t cooperate enough. I still smoke, for example, and I’m sure He wants me to quit. I still feel lonely, because people aren’t interested in knowing me.

But yesterday I was confident that the peace I was getting from just reading There is no God and connecting with the arguments offered was helping re-ground me in the faith, and I even posted one or two comments myself. I was totally convinced yesterday that I needed only to stay close to Christ and resume going to Mass regularly and praying and focusing on Christ and I would continue in the state I was in last night of peace, heightened awareness of the reality of God, and so forth. But today it all evaporated. Probably it’s my psychology, the medicine, the actual situation of my life, and other things converging to make me terribly depressed. But I have to face the fact that I probably will always be alone and lonely, and that is what causes the torment, which I am sure will come back.
 
Dear This One

Sometimes our mood can cloud the actuality of situations and sometimes things can seem a different way to what they actually are, it is down to perceptions and our moods can greatly alter our perceptions.

I am pleased to hear you are taking medication and also pleased to hear you are considering going to Mass. I will pray for you and offer my Mass tomorrow for you 7pm UK time. You cannot feel lonely knowing that I am thinking of you and praying for you and especially before our Lord in His True Presence even if I am many miles away in another country, we are both present to the Lord at all times and He knows most intimately everyones hearts.

You must never think of yourself ever to be totally alone, to think this denies Christ and the family you have in Him, faith is all about family and you have that and always will.

Love is not restricted by miles nor by perception, you are loved, Jesus loves you, I love you as my brother/sister in Christ and you friend must love yourself

Get involved in your Parish, go to Mass regularly even if you don’t feel like it, for God it is never too late and no time is wasted as long as at the end you are with Him and He with you and anytime you like message me, I am here for you.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you always

Teresa
 
Yesterday I was determined to do just that. Go regularly. The question is whether I can get myself together and not fall apart while there. The last few times I had anxiety, but now it’s depression and it’s likely that I will cry a lot, which is why I stopped going to begin with.

But I will try, and I will try to remember you will be praying for me.

So, tell me, when I perceive Jesus breaking through to me, is that real or is that just my imagination? I cannot always tell for sure, though I tend to think it’s really Him. Why shouldn’t he stay with me to help me? Maybe it’s my fault because I don’t turn to him first thing in the morning?
 
Dear ThisOne:

Well, my day’s been kinda like yours, and you should know that you’ve done a good deed … you’ve inspired me to wash my hair tonight despite how sick I’ve been feeling the past several days. My other accomplishments today? Take my prescription even though it’s not under the best of conditions … refrigerator broke, I’m supposed to take the med with food, and my stomach has been upset for days now. Do the dishes that have been hanging around all this time … Yeah, I know what it’s like being single, being overlooked by your parish because you’re single, and having no family within hundreds of miles.

But here it is Saturday nearly gone, with no Christmas cards written and no gifts bought today, and I had to skip the company Christmas party.

I’ve actually had some kind on-line internet people pray for me at another forum, and since asking for prayers the challenges I’m facing seem to have increased rather than decreased!

I am doing my best to offer my feeble attempts at prayers while in this condition for other people who I know need prayer in this life, and also for the souls in purgatory.

I will also pray for you, ThisOne!

~~ the phoenix
 
Thank you, the phoenix. I will pray for you and try to pray for others.
 
Dear This One

Jesus reaches out to all people, so why should He not reach out to you, you are no more special than the rest that He would not reach out to you. So now embrace His calling to you, go before Him in the Blessed Sacrament and pray for the grace to be healed and believe you have received it, He will grant it all to you, because God is generous beyond our imaginings. You are not imagining Jesus’ love and reaching out to your heart, He calls all of His loved ones and His love is there for you. Go to Him, you need not say anything to Him, just be with Him in the Blessed Sacrament and be silent there if you like and you will know Him I promise you if this is your hearts desire by His grace.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa
 
But what if I am unable to retain my composure and I cry? What if I feel like I feel now? I don’t know if it’s right to appear that way in public for all to see.
 
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ThisOne:
But what if I am unable to retain my composure and I cry? What if I feel like I feel now? I don’t know if it’s right to appear that way in public for all to see.
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Dear This One

If you cry, you cry, tears always heal and release emotion that is required to be released and you may feel a little embarrased, but people will not laugh at you. Tears are a great gift from God, so don’t worry about that, far better you cry than stay away from Him for fear of crying. I have seen many people cry in Church, it is a healing, don’t worry about that at all. You are among family and no-one will think anything of it except concern and to be there for you. I have cried many times before the Blessed Sacrament because before Jesus I am myself and it has always been a grace and a benefit to my soul. I have seen people cry after receiving Holy Communion, at the consecration, just sitting in the Church and I am sure many Priests have seen people cry in confession, don’t be afraid, be courageous, tears are really a sign of strength and don’t forget our Sweet Lord Jesus cried.

We are all broken children of God and in need of healing, tears are part of it, don’t worry, go to Him Who cried to heal us.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa
 
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ThisOne:
I am too weak to be helping others, so that is not a solution now.
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In your very weakness you are helping others tremendously.

Look at all these people who have shared your story, and written themselves into it. You gave them a purpose for being here, just by giving them a need against which they could practice stewardship – in this case spiritual works of mercy.
I just want FROM Him, because this pain tends to make me believe He hates me and life is just torture.
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You just sound like a passionate person to me. There are more of us than you think, and I’ve heard a story similar to yours except for a 60 year old grandmother who was a counselor and then developed a mental illness, only to overcome it and realize her full potential.

If you hang in there a little longer, I am confident the Lord will enlighten you as to the niche you have filled and still need to fill. 🙂

Alan
 
Greetings This One, I have not read all the Posts in this Thread, and I may well be going over ground other Posters have covered and in a way I hope so, for I feel very very deeply for you and with empathy born of personal experiences like yours now.
I went through many years of what you describe generally. I see a psychiatrist regularly and suffer from a mental illness - Bipolar. I also have taken medication for 30 years for my illness as well as seeing a psychiatrist.

The first thing I think to bring into perspective is that you are suffering with an illness: depression. This needs medical treatment as a person with diabetes or cancer or heart disease would need medical treatment and probably medication too. Bring into perspective too that mental illness is simply an illness amongst a great number of ilnesses like cancer, diabetes etc. etc. Mental illness is simply an illness and is not sinful or revealing spiritual weakness etc. etc.
You will probably need to struggle with the illness with medical treatment and medication. No disgrace to be ill.

The next thing to bring into perspective or the whole picture is the spiritual aspect. By its very nature and a terrible burden, cross and trial depression (a mental illness) makes it impossible often to think positively about anything at all, including God, Heaven etc. etc. (all matters connected with spirituality).

Nevertheless you are aware of what your Faith presents to you: that God does love you and absolutely so. If He loves me even when I am sinful, why then would He cease to love me because I am ill - rather perhaps God is loving you with a special tenderness precisely because He has permitted you to carry such a terrible cross and suffering.
Depression will probably mean that your feelings are entirely negative and that you cannot feel that God loves you. But how can what I feel change the reality of the matter…which is indeed that God loves you. As an example, I may feel that a friend is angry with me because of something I said. But when I talk to her about it, she reassures me that she had never been angry at all! Hence my feelings were wrong. She was not angry at any point. The thing to glean from this, is that our feelings are not good guides at times for the reality of matters.

What you need to do is rest in what your Faith tells you, though feelings are pulling you in other directions. And oh how I know how very hard this is. Hence it would be very very helpful to you to have a spiritual director/companion who understands with real empathy the terrible cross you carry. I have a director/companion who is a nun and knows that I suffer with Bipolar. She was most courageous in agreeing to be my director/companion since in the beginning she knew nothing at all about mental illness…it has been a journey for her too as we saw each other over the now two years and she became more informed from me about mental illness, specifically Bipolar and the adjustments I need make and what I endure etc. etc. precisely because I do suffer a mental illness. My advice to you and precisely because you are a person struggling with spiritual difficulties as well as mental illness (and only an illness after all, though a particularly nasty and viscious one!(depression) is to look for a director/companion who knows something about mental illness, or open to learning about it. Also if you have not already perhaps a good psychiatrist. My own psychiatrist is an athiest, but because she is a very good doctor, she can appreciate that my illness is one matter concerning her and my spirituality another matter and not her field or brief.

You are struggling with two entirely different matters yet having an affect and effect on each other. You are deeply spiritual and in spiritual difficulties - you are also suffering an illness. Two distinct matters yet overlapping and interacting. As very hard as it is and as seemingly futile as it can seem, keep trusting confidently in God who is complete darkness to you in your senses, feelings only! The reality is that in that darkness and sense of perhaps despair, God is loving you abundantly and giving you strenth in the proportion that you need it - but you feel nothing, in fact to the contrary. You need two types of assistance: medical and spiritual.

I have read you entire Post and I feel very deeply for you because I have been through similar. Altho I endured it for many years, it is now past. It will for you too! I assure you! and as agonizing as it is as long as you do not abandon the struggle and I dont think you will! … The only way to insight the terrible cross mental illness (in your case depression) is, is to go through it oneself - and I would not wish that on the worst of persons!Those enduring mental illness particularly share a special aspect of the Passion - “My God! Why have you abandoned me?” There is too the private messaging facility on this Board or email.

Barb
 
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ThisOne:
Why can’t he reach me without medicine?
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Hi again This One…as it says in Scripture “My ways are not your ways, saith The Lord” Often God can be very confusing, terribly confusing to us. Think of it this way - a diabetic needs medication as does a sufferer of cancer or indeed most illnesses require the assistance of medicine and medication in some way. Put it into perspective by knowing that doctors and medications are absolute gifts of God to humanity and in the interests of preserving health etc. In fact they are the everyday astounding miracles of God that we take for granted. Medication is His reaching you…He has chosen it to be this way. His Will! Praise The Lord all you earth for is the cold not His equally with the warmth. His rain His, every much as is the warming of the sun! Are not medications and doctors His every bit as much as His other miracles and daily!

As to tears and crying…I think Sprinbreeze put it beautifully and truly!

My heart goes out to you This One…absolutely!

Barb
 
the phoenix:
Dear ThisOne:

Well, my day’s been kinda like yours, and you should know that you’ve done a good deed … you’ve inspired me to wash my hair tonight despite how sick I’ve been feeling the past several days. My other accomplishments today? Take my prescription even though it’s not under the best of conditions … refrigerator broke, I’m supposed to take the med with food, and my stomach has been upset for days now. Do the dishes that have been hanging around all this time … Yeah, I know what it’s like being single, being overlooked by your parish because you’re single, and having no family within hundreds of miles.

But here it is Saturday nearly gone, with no Christmas cards written and no gifts bought today, and I had to skip the company Christmas party.

I’ve actually had some kind on-line internet people pray for me at another forum, and since asking for prayers the challenges I’m facing seem to have increased rather than decreased!

I am doing my best to offer my feeble attempts at prayers while in this condition for other people who I know need prayer in this life, and also for the souls in purgatory.

I will also pray for you, ThisOne!

~~ the phoenix
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We have an encyclical on human suffering which I read quite some time ago and a long document…but these words stay with me “solidarity in suffering”. The Phoenix and This One are certainly in solidarity in suffering…you share similar experiences at the same time! … you can truly empathize with each other and behold: “where two or more are gathered in my name, there am I in the midst of them”!..an issue for Faith only, for I dont think many of us can feel His Presence in our midst!

Phoenix, your Post was entirely beautiful! Entirely encouraging but in a manner reflecting true humility.
I remember a psychiatrist who said to me once: “out of the ashes will rise the phoenix”…some five or six years after that statement and me no longer seeing him as he had retired, I sent him a Christmas Card: “Dear Dr… heaps and heaps of ashes, but still no sign of that jolly phoenix.”… But Phoenix you and indeed This One are phoenixes who will one day see your day!..if I may wax prophetic for a moment…what a terrible road The Lord is permitting you both to travel! Scripture says “it is a terrible thing to fall into the hands of The Living God” and now and then some of us get a glimpse of that…others endure it for what is a too long a time to this human being - but then again “My Ways are not your ways, Saith The Lord”

Mary Most Holy! guide, guard and protect them…ask your Son to grant them peace, joy and an ever lively hope. I give Thee thanks Oh Lord for the gift of Faith you have granted them, now tried as Scriputre states: “as gold is tested in fire, so the servants of God are tested in the crucible of suffering”. Their Faith is tried sorely Lord, and found true. Praise to Thee!

Life is always an up and down matter…and for some far moreso than others. Amen.

Barb
 
We have numerous saints whose patronage is of those who suffer mental illness…here is my patron. If you go to the link below, you will find all the details of St. Margaret along with a special prayer to her. The link also gives the full text of her life, of which I have drawn out only portions.

http://www.catholic-forum.com/saints/saintm27.htm

MARGARET of Cortona…Memorial - 22 February
Farmer’s daughter. Her mother died when Margaret was seven years old, and her stepmother considered her a nuisance. She eloped with a young nobleman from Montepulciano, bore him a son, and lived as his mistress for nine years. In 1274 he was murdered by brigands, and his body dumped in a shallow grave. …She publicly confessed to the affair, and tried to return to her father’s house; he would not accept her. She and her son took shelter with the Friars Minor at Cortona. Still young and attractive, Margaret sometimes had trouble resisting temptation, but each incident was followed by periods of deep self-loathing. To make herself unappealing to local young men, she once tried to mutilate herself, but was stopped by a Friar named Giunta.
She earned her keep by tending to sick women. …
In 1286 she received charter to work with the sick poor. She gathered others of like mind, and formed them into tertiaries…Founded a hospital at Cortona. Preached against vice to any who would listen. Developed a great devotion to the Eucharist and Passion. Prophesied the date of her own death.
Though she worked for those in need, and though the poor sought her help and advice, the calumny of her earlier life followed her the rest of her days, and she was forever the target of local gossips.
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Hi, everyone. I just wanted to say thank you for your wonderful encouragement when I was so terribly depressed and anxious.

I am much better now. The thing about “mental illness” is that one can never know if it is the “chemical factory” in the brain that malfunctions or if it is one’s manner of dealing with emotions from an early age that caused changes in the functioning of the brain. It’s the chicken-or-egg question. My feeling better now is due to the fact that the chemical my brain was lacking in normal amounts is being delivered by medicine. However, I think the root of my illness is psychological, or at least a huge component of it is based on my early burying of feelings that I didn’t know how to deal with, and that I am going to make great progress in my psychotherapy.

I finally see that indeed there are things inside me that the little child created and hid away because the little child could not handle them. She believed certain things about herself that I tried to consciously “unlearn” in adulthood, but could not. That’s the cause of my depression and anxiety – beliefs about myself that were never valid. But the little child only knew that she was hurting; she didn’t know what the adult woman would later come to understand – that her mother had emotional problems. The child I was could not protest emotional abuse and harsh words; she was not even permitted to express her feelings at all. Her mother said openly, “I don’t care how she feels.” I told myself in later years that I could see how she developed that way; she was responsible for two younger brothers when she was less than 10 years old in the New York City of the 1920s, and she learned her “mothering” skills when she herself was a child. She must have physically overpowered her brothers and then when she had her own five children, she only mothered in the way that she knew how to. So intellectually, I could understand how it happened, and I could say consciously that I had ambivalent feelings toward her. I loved her, and I hated her for the way she treated me. But that was not enough. Inside me, deep in the farthest recesses of my personality, was a belief that I was unlovable, that I was bad, that I was unlovely, that I was defective, that I was somehow unacceptable.

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When I met Christ, however, I knew real love. As a 35-year-old adult convert, I felt liberated from the self-loathing I had experienced all my life. But I never addressed my psychology, and my delusion about how the world saw me grew stronger and stronger in spite of what was a good prayer life, deep involvement in understanding the faith, and participation in my parish’s liturgical life as a lector and choir member.

My point, I suppose, is just that I think it’s possible for real healing here; I’ve glimpsed the real child inside me who is so hurt still from her mother’s treatment that she still does not want to consciously face the pain. But I glimpsed it, and I know it’s there, and I know I can do it with Christ’s help. I remember feeling as if nobody loved me when I was growing up, and I remember telling myself sometimes that the things my mother did that were for the family or for me, even if they were done gruffly or without the expressed emotion of love, were evidence that she loved me. I remember sometimes telling myself that they had to love me or why would they have had me and continue to take care of me. I now remember that, but years ago, I never would have recalled that and I would have denied that I ever doubted their love.

But I did. I grew up feeling totally worthless and unloved. And I’ve been punishing myself ever since by — what is that syndrome? – the Stockholm Syndrome? Where the victim takes on the attitude of the persecutor? Maybe I have that wrong, but that’s how the unconscious evidently works – we make decisions when we are less than 10 years of age and we stick with them throughout our lives, unless…

Unless the God of mercy shows us the truth somehow through His other servants.

I don’t say that mental illness is a myth; but in my case, the etiology may be entirely psychological. But I am back here reporting that I am feeling better because of the DRUG I am taking. The drugs are covering the symptoms. The symptoms are the result of the primal injury that still must be unveiled and exposed to God’s healing. I am no longer afraid. With the help of Christ, I will find out who I am and I will forgive myself for having been a little child who had no one to turn to but herself (as if it were my fault!).

I am so grateful for the help I received here; it never made me feel better at all, actually, but that’s no longer important. The important thing was that I continued to hear what the truth was. I would often come here and feel worse, in fact, but that was because I was beyond consolation. Only if Christ had made me aware of His presence would I have been comforted; but He didn’t, and I don’t know why He didn’t. The reduction in the symptoms from the DRUG has allowed me to be aware of Christ again, and I know that He is responsible for that. Without some abeyance in the symptoms, I would never have been able to see that the root of my problem is in my unconscious mind. He didn’t show Himself to me in my depression because that would have been “enough” for me, and I would not have become determined to root out the false belief inside me. So, in His wisdom, He hid himself from me, even when you were trying so hard to show Him to me. That’s why I speak frankly and tell you I got not an ounce of comfort when I came here, and nobody’s words made me feel better or had any good effect on me. But I know that I had to read them in just the condition I was to be able to now see that I am truly indebted to you all. You told me to hang on, and I was hanging on to Christ, but He said, in effect, “If I show you Myself, you will not do the work that you must do on your inner mind and heart.” He was right. You were right.

A blessed Christmas to all!
 
Dear ThisOne

Thank you for you posts. I have thought of you over the last week or so since you last posted and have kept you in my prayers.

Have a very Holy and Blessed Christmas and a New and Very Happy Year to you.

I will not forget you and keep you always in my prayers

God Bless you always and much love and peace to you

Teresa
 
Hello Thisone:

I know the feeling of being scared, infact that is what I call myself.
Tears from what I understand heal, I wouldn’t know, I simply can’t do it. But my SIL tells me that for every tear you shed you are one step closer to being healed. So if you are able shed the tears, they are good for you.

No words of wisdom about the church, I too strugle, I can’t pray, my penance takes forever, because I have to pray. A single our father can take me 30 minutes to do.

I hope things get better for you, they haven’t for me.
scared
 
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