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Rascalking
Guest
If I may, let me apologize on behalf of all Catholics.
That sort of behavior drives me insane.
That sort of behavior drives me insane.
- Status
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DOShea
Guest
I would just ask a simple question of the OP, and it is a hard one to hear.
Have you looked in the mirror? Have you approached any of these relatives with a factual example of not treating you well and asked them why? It seems you are working off a set of assumptions that, because and only because you aren’t Catholic, they don’t treat you the way you want them to. I’m not sure how anyone could answer that question without knowing how they feel. That includes you, so maybe you should find a time when you can get together with one of them and simply ask.
People are put off by the strangest of things. It might not be religious in nature, it could be any of thousands of possibles. Only one way to know for sure.
Have you looked in the mirror? Have you approached any of these relatives with a factual example of not treating you well and asked them why? It seems you are working off a set of assumptions that, because and only because you aren’t Catholic, they don’t treat you the way you want them to. I’m not sure how anyone could answer that question without knowing how they feel. That includes you, so maybe you should find a time when you can get together with one of them and simply ask.
People are put off by the strangest of things. It might not be religious in nature, it could be any of thousands of possibles. Only one way to know for sure.
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mommamia
Guest
I agree this has nothing to do with them being Catholic. I’ve been married to a non-Christian for almost 20 years, my family loves him to pieces.
I have a similar problem with some of my Baptist in-laws. One BIL in particular is very offended that our family is Catholic, and our children are Catholic.
But the stuff you describe is just juvenile. I would maybe make an effort to find out why they behave the way they do, and if things didn’t get better I would probably start by limiting the amount of time our family spends with them. It can be quite hurtful to little ones to be treated so much worse than cousins, I know. We only see my dh’s parents at family reunions and other all family gatherings and maybe once or twice a year on our own and they live right up the road from us. But after years of trying to explain why grandma and grandpa like the other kids best, it is just easier to skip most holiday functions.
I will keep you in my prayers.
I have a similar problem with some of my Baptist in-laws. One BIL in particular is very offended that our family is Catholic, and our children are Catholic.
But the stuff you describe is just juvenile. I would maybe make an effort to find out why they behave the way they do, and if things didn’t get better I would probably start by limiting the amount of time our family spends with them. It can be quite hurtful to little ones to be treated so much worse than cousins, I know. We only see my dh’s parents at family reunions and other all family gatherings and maybe once or twice a year on our own and they live right up the road from us. But after years of trying to explain why grandma and grandpa like the other kids best, it is just easier to skip most holiday functions.
I will keep you in my prayers.
I
Inanna
Guest
I am happy that I found this web site. I have been having negative feelings, building for some time, toward the whole Catholic faith. It is very wrong of me to be angry at a whole group because a few have treated me badly. These negative feelings are poisonous and have been making me feel depressed. Luckily I am now learning and will no longer be hindered by my ignorance. I truly thank you for your kindness.
NOCLEVERNAME-- I am sorry about what happened to you. No child should be treated that way. Growing up, my dad was not my biological father, but all of us kids were loved no matter our genetics. My son is treasured when we have gatherings with my family. We spend more time with my family than my husbands.
I’ve asked him not to do this, but it’s like he can’t help himself. I think that he some deep seated anger.
DOShea-- I know that I’m not perfect. I’m sure that I’ve said things I shouldn’t. Part of the reason why I want to learn more about their faith is so that I have better understanding and am not offensive.
My height also contributes to them not liking me and that fact that I’m a vegetarian. I am older than my husband; have student loans from college. I really do think that the main source of conflict is religion though.
The closest thing to asking them directly was when in frustration I told my SIL “I know you guys don’t like me because I’m not Catholic” Her reply was " not all of us don’t like you, just most of us don’t like you". My husband once told me that his mom wanted him to marry a Catholic because she knew his faith wasn’t very strong and that she needed someone to keep him going to church. My husband’s oldest brother, whom I get along with very well, told me (in so many words) that his mother would never except me unless I converted.
NOCLEVERNAME-- I am sorry about what happened to you. No child should be treated that way. Growing up, my dad was not my biological father, but all of us kids were loved no matter our genetics. My son is treasured when we have gatherings with my family. We spend more time with my family than my husbands.
My MIL is very controlling. My husband and his siblings were isolated growing up. They lived remotely, were home schooled, didn’t have any friends…So, he doesn’t know anything different; doesn’t have a lot of social skills. He is a very kind and sensitive man, characteristics that were considered weakness by his family and was put down a lot and learned not to express a lot of emotion. Right now he is very conflicted. He loves his family and wants them to be a part of his and his son’s lives, but at what cost? He is very good at ignoring their negativity because he is used to it. Sometimes he even makes it worse because he likes to push my MIL’s buttons. She has a melt down about almost anything. Then I am uncomfortable and stuck in the middle
I’ve asked him not to do this, but it’s like he can’t help himself. I think that he some deep seated anger.DOShea-- I know that I’m not perfect. I’m sure that I’ve said things I shouldn’t. Part of the reason why I want to learn more about their faith is so that I have better understanding and am not offensive.
My height also contributes to them not liking me and that fact that I’m a vegetarian. I am older than my husband; have student loans from college. I really do think that the main source of conflict is religion though.
The closest thing to asking them directly was when in frustration I told my SIL “I know you guys don’t like me because I’m not Catholic” Her reply was " not all of us don’t like you, just most of us don’t like you". My husband once told me that his mom wanted him to marry a Catholic because she knew his faith wasn’t very strong and that she needed someone to keep him going to church. My husband’s oldest brother, whom I get along with very well, told me (in so many words) that his mother would never except me unless I converted.
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garyr
Guest
Just WOW! If your husband grew up with THAT going on in his family, I can easily see why he ‘lost his faith’ - I sincerly hope that you and your husband learn to ‘rise above’ all the antics going on in that family because what they are doing is certainly NOT living the Will of God (as Catholics are called to) with all the shenanigans they are pulling.
I think THEY are the ones that need to CONVERT! How can they even expect you to ‘convert’ when even they themselves are not truly living the faith - or are at least keeping themselves ignorant to how they should be? I think this is the hyprocracy(sp?) that Christ warned us of, and it can be very damaging to all around (as you have already experienced)!
Prayers going out to you and your family, and may somehow - some Graces of God come to your Inlaws to convert THEIR hearts to truly living the model of the Holy Family instead of what they are doing now.
YBIC
-G
I think THEY are the ones that need to CONVERT! How can they even expect you to ‘convert’ when even they themselves are not truly living the faith - or are at least keeping themselves ignorant to how they should be? I think this is the hyprocracy(sp?) that Christ warned us of, and it can be very damaging to all around (as you have already experienced)!
Prayers going out to you and your family, and may somehow - some Graces of God come to your Inlaws to convert THEIR hearts to truly living the model of the Holy Family instead of what they are doing now.
YBIC
-G
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whatevergirl
Guest
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rositabean
Guest
Hi. Your in-laws sound like horrid people. The fact that they use their faith as a justification to feel superior to you by treating you like some kind of fithy infidel swine is appalling. If I were in your shoes I would immediately cut off all contact between yourself and son and those people. It seems like it would be emotionally healthier to have your son grow up not knowing them at all than for him to know the emotional pain, humiliation and suffering that he will receive at their hands. Your husband can visit them alone if he so desires since he is used to their abuse but if I were you I would never again go and would forbid your son to see them. Perhaps in the future your son might learn about the Catholic faith on his own from a more positive source and be drawn to it. If your son interacts with those people he will surely end up hating the church too.
My grandparents on both sides were/are Catholic (only one living now) but my parents left the church (mom charmed by adventists) and don’t practice the faith (dad) but somehow or another I found my way to the church as an adult and was able to go through RCIA by my own volition.
My grandparents on both sides were/are Catholic (only one living now) but my parents left the church (mom charmed by adventists) and don’t practice the faith (dad) but somehow or another I found my way to the church as an adult and was able to go through RCIA by my own volition.
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Liberanosamalo
Guest
Oh, they’re being so bad!
Please don’t think we’re all like that.
Problem is we don’t just view Catholicism as a “religion.” It’s a way of viewing the world and reality. Through the eyes and mind of Christ Himself. It’s not a club we belong to or a political party. It’s our road to eternal salvation. And to depart from that road makes our eternal salvation much more difficult. A family may view someone who steers a child from that road (or they perceive it that way) as being “the enemy.” Our faith is something we are morally bound to pass on to our children. And them to their children. They see your son not passing it to his children as him not passing on a family inheritance.
But they’re not being nice. And that’s embarrassing.
For starters with how we are supposed to believe, I’ll include a famous prayer by one of our greatest saints, St. Francis of Assisi. I’m sure there is much in here that you’d agree with and what to raise your son believing. St. Francis lived in the 1300s. He came from a very noble family and lived a sinful life until he converted and sold everything and embraced a life of saintly poverty. He founded a religious order that still teaches Christ to this day. St. Francis was priveleged to bear on his own body the wounds of Christ on the Cross. He is the one who started the Christmas Creche practice, we are told.
Here is how your husband’s family is SUPPOSED TO BE LIVING:
(maybe if YOU said the following prayer at the next family get-together it might embarrass some of them enough to shut them up.)
Prayer of St. Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
Please don’t think we’re all like that.
Problem is we don’t just view Catholicism as a “religion.” It’s a way of viewing the world and reality. Through the eyes and mind of Christ Himself. It’s not a club we belong to or a political party. It’s our road to eternal salvation. And to depart from that road makes our eternal salvation much more difficult. A family may view someone who steers a child from that road (or they perceive it that way) as being “the enemy.” Our faith is something we are morally bound to pass on to our children. And them to their children. They see your son not passing it to his children as him not passing on a family inheritance.
But they’re not being nice. And that’s embarrassing.
For starters with how we are supposed to believe, I’ll include a famous prayer by one of our greatest saints, St. Francis of Assisi. I’m sure there is much in here that you’d agree with and what to raise your son believing. St. Francis lived in the 1300s. He came from a very noble family and lived a sinful life until he converted and sold everything and embraced a life of saintly poverty. He founded a religious order that still teaches Christ to this day. St. Francis was priveleged to bear on his own body the wounds of Christ on the Cross. He is the one who started the Christmas Creche practice, we are told.
Here is how your husband’s family is SUPPOSED TO BE LIVING:
(maybe if YOU said the following prayer at the next family get-together it might embarrass some of them enough to shut them up.)
Prayer of St. Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
T
tbcrawford
Guest
I apologise as a Catholic and on behalf of all catholics.I am so sorry your MIL and the rest of the in-laws have treated you so badly .Their behaviour is not how catholics are meant to be.We love and try not to judge anyone.My love for you Inanna and prayers
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flyingfish
Guest
I think you need to find a way to shed these attitudes. They don’t treat you like **** because of your height or what you eat, they treat you the way they do because they are nasty, disgusting, petty people.
Don’t even try to find a reason within yourself for why you are treated this way. The reason is not in you, it’s in them.
I think you should talk to your husband about not going there anymore. If he feels he must go, he should go alone. It’s his duty as a man to protect his wife and child from abuse. Remind him of that.
They don’t sound very Catholic either, it seems to me that for them being Catholic is like for some people is being Republican or white. It’s just a way for them to define their group and to exclude others from their group.
People who actually followed the teachings of Catholicism would not treat you that way even if you were constantly insulting them and actively sought fights with them.
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Monica4316
Guest
It made me really sad to hear about Catholics treating you like this I’m sorry and I apologize for them as a Catholic. I can imagine it must be hard looking at Catholicism in a positive way after all that. I assure you there are many loving Catholics out there too, and in the end we’re all flawed people trying to work out our salvation… but I’m not saying this as an excuse for how they’re treating you. I know what it’s like being in a group of people but feeling like an outsider and rejected…and it really hurts. Christ treats everyone with love and as His followers, we should too. I dont really know what you can do except perhaps limiting your time with them or - if they’re open to this, having an honest discussion and letting them know how you feel. God bless :hug1:
I’m sorry and I apologize for them as a Catholic. I can imagine it must be hard looking at Catholicism in a positive way after all that. I assure you there are many loving Catholics out there too, and in the end we’re all flawed people trying to work out our salvation… but I’m not saying this as an excuse for how they’re treating you. I know what it’s like being in a group of people but feeling like an outsider and rejected…and it really hurts. Christ treats everyone with love and as His followers, we should too. I dont really know what you can do except perhaps limiting your time with them or - if they’re open to this, having an honest discussion and letting them know how you feel. God bless :hug1:
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MercyMia
Guest
Inanna - Welcome to the forum.
First off, as hard it feels; do not take what your MIL is doing to you personally. It is not about you, it is about her and her insecurities. Chances are you, you could copy and paste the face of just about any women into your wedding album and that woman would still not be good enough for your MIL. Some people are just impossible. It sounds like you have responded by maintaining your grace and dignity, good for you!
I can relate to you because I have a similar situation with my MIL being a member of the church of Christ denomination and saying just horrible things to me and about me. I agree with what you said…it is hard for you to distinguish what is her being “Catholic” and what is just family politics. I also have a hard time knowing what her church mentality is and what is just her own mental issues. She is the epitome of not knowing when to “let go” and she blames her own loneliness on me, because I married her youngest, somehow tricking him into leaving her, thus leaving the nest empty. She gives me too much credit if you ask me.
As others have said, your MIL is not going into the world as Christ did, and she is not acting like a Catholic…I think it is St. Francis who said “preach the gospel always, when necessary use words.” It is a shame, because she is probably going to miss out on a relationship with a lovely daughter in law and a grandson, both who will be left with a sour taste in their mouth about Christians. You really do not have to take this abuse from her. Keep a safe distance and shelter your marriage from her. You are not a second class citizen, and you should not be treated like one. Blessed are the peacemakers…but ask her how we can be expected as Christians to bring peace to the world when we refuse to make it even in our own home?
Anyways, I just want to tell you from a personal standpoint that being Catholic is probably the single most important aspect of my life. I hope that your MIL does not discourage you from learning more. Are there other Catholics in the family that you respect and trust? Even extended family, like cousins or something? Maybe you can seek them out and get a real witness to the faith from them. I do not want to preach to you, but in my heart I feel that I have to encourage you to study the Catholic faith apart from what you know by your MIL’s actions. Your husband has turned to Wicca/New Age practices. I cannot lie to you and say that I think that is healthy. I think it is a good sign that he is seeking some sort of spirituality, but from the extensive reading and research I have done into the movement I have seen how it leaves so many people feeling empty and depressed. Maybe your husband did not get a true witness to the faith growing up, by seeing the words and deeds of his own mother. Maybe, somehow, God is calling you to show him the light of Christ he never saw. Image that for a moment. Imagine the possibilities for your little family of three. See, that is the thing about God, he can take the ugliest situation and turn it into the most glorious circumstance.
The Catholic Church is the only fully authentic spirituality in the world. I say this without apology, but also without hubris or condemnation of you or anyone else.
First off, as hard it feels; do not take what your MIL is doing to you personally. It is not about you, it is about her and her insecurities. Chances are you, you could copy and paste the face of just about any women into your wedding album and that woman would still not be good enough for your MIL. Some people are just impossible. It sounds like you have responded by maintaining your grace and dignity, good for you!
I can relate to you because I have a similar situation with my MIL being a member of the church of Christ denomination and saying just horrible things to me and about me. I agree with what you said…it is hard for you to distinguish what is her being “Catholic” and what is just family politics. I also have a hard time knowing what her church mentality is and what is just her own mental issues. She is the epitome of not knowing when to “let go” and she blames her own loneliness on me, because I married her youngest, somehow tricking him into leaving her, thus leaving the nest empty. She gives me too much credit if you ask me.
As others have said, your MIL is not going into the world as Christ did, and she is not acting like a Catholic…I think it is St. Francis who said “preach the gospel always, when necessary use words.” It is a shame, because she is probably going to miss out on a relationship with a lovely daughter in law and a grandson, both who will be left with a sour taste in their mouth about Christians. You really do not have to take this abuse from her. Keep a safe distance and shelter your marriage from her. You are not a second class citizen, and you should not be treated like one. Blessed are the peacemakers…but ask her how we can be expected as Christians to bring peace to the world when we refuse to make it even in our own home?
Anyways, I just want to tell you from a personal standpoint that being Catholic is probably the single most important aspect of my life. I hope that your MIL does not discourage you from learning more. Are there other Catholics in the family that you respect and trust? Even extended family, like cousins or something? Maybe you can seek them out and get a real witness to the faith from them. I do not want to preach to you, but in my heart I feel that I have to encourage you to study the Catholic faith apart from what you know by your MIL’s actions. Your husband has turned to Wicca/New Age practices. I cannot lie to you and say that I think that is healthy. I think it is a good sign that he is seeking some sort of spirituality, but from the extensive reading and research I have done into the movement I have seen how it leaves so many people feeling empty and depressed. Maybe your husband did not get a true witness to the faith growing up, by seeing the words and deeds of his own mother. Maybe, somehow, God is calling you to show him the light of Christ he never saw. Image that for a moment. Imagine the possibilities for your little family of three. See, that is the thing about God, he can take the ugliest situation and turn it into the most glorious circumstance.
The Catholic Church is the only fully authentic spirituality in the world. I say this without apology, but also without hubris or condemnation of you or anyone else.
I
Inanna
Guest
They definitely mix their religion and their politics; so being naive about Catholicism, it is hard for me to separate the two. I don’t know if their complete distrust of medical and educational authority stems from religion or politics; but last Thanksgiving my MIL and BIL said something that offended me so greatly that I ended up in an argument with them (something I try to avoid). My son has a rare speech disability. When ever I talk about it to my in-laws I get a lot of rolling of eyes and disbelief that such a thing exists. He receives special education through his school. Early intervention is very important so that he is able to talk and it doesn’t inhibit his ability to learn to read. My MIL has declared that things should go back to the time when there was no special help for kids with disabilities. I told her that was very offensive to me because of my son. She said that she didn’t mean my son, but autistic and down syndrome kids (which was still very offensive to me). In her time, those kids stayed home from school. Catholics aren’t against special ed in schools are they? Wouldn’t it be anti-life to say that all children should be born into this world, but stay at home please. (Sorry I guess this still upsets me). Minnesota public school has a policy of inclusion for all kids in the class room. If kids need assistance, a special ed teacher accompanies them in the class room. This policy has done wonders for who has problems with transitions and terrible tantrums due to his inability to properly communicate.
M
MercyMia
Guest
Huh…wha??? No education for special needs kids? Keeping them home and reverting to a time before treatment? Um…is your MIL ignorant to the fact that that the Catholic Church is a pioneer in hospitals and education. Has she ever heard of the Special Olympics, founded by a Catholic and heavily funded by the Catholic group Knights of Columbus?
This almost sounds like Christian Science… I have no idea where your MIL gets this mindset from, but it is not anything I have encountered in Catholic circles.
I can see why you are frustrated!
This almost sounds like Christian Science… I have no idea where your MIL gets this mindset from, but it is not anything I have encountered in Catholic circles.
I can see why you are frustrated!
I
Inanna
Guest
I thank you for your sentiments and do not take offense at you promoting Catholicism as you do it with love and in a respectful, non-condemning tone. However, I do not see myself being called to the CC or back to the church of my family. My spiritual leaning tend toward Buddhist philosophy. I have been feeling a resentment toward Catholicism. I need to rid myself of these negative feelings to have peace and balance in my heart, life and home. Hearing testimonies from yourself and others on this board are helping me rid myself of ignorance and bitterness. Thank you
M
MercyMia
Guest
You are welcome!
F
flyingfish
Guest
God I’m really sorry
I’m generally very unemotional, but reading this post made me cry.One of the core teachings of Catholicism (and for that matter basic human principles) is to help people who are struggling, especially children.
I don’t know what is up with your MIL and why she does those things. Please, please find a way not to let her get under your skin. The way that woman is behaving has nothing to do with being Catholic, something in her life made her that way. Maybe it’s genes, maybe she herself was abused as a child.
Who knows. You have to cut her out of your life though, and it’s in your son’s best interest to be away from that too. She will never change, it’s how she will always be. Protect him and yourself from it.
W
whatevergirl
Guest
*Not knowing them, I can only go by your comments. Their behavior is so remotely Catholic, it’s not even funny. I am so sorry you are having to endure this behavior from them. What a horrible, bizarre and ignorant thing to say about children with special needs.
Again, their comments have nothing to do with Catholicism, your MIL just sounds like a miserable person, sadly.
Maybe ask your husband why that might be…THAT might help you have more insight into her. Learning Catholicism will not help you to get a sense of why she acts like this–because Catholicism is not about being mean spirited, and uppity. Not at all. Those who act like that, do so of their own accord. Your husband might be aware of some things she has endured in her life, that’s caused her to become very judging and bitter. Usually, people act out like this, because they are hurting inside, and sadly it often comes out as misplaced aggression towards others. Not defending her behavior, but just offering a different lense with which to see this through.I’d encourage you to learn Catholicism on your own, because it is a robust and beautiful faith. But, I wouldn’t do it in hopes of understanding your MIL better. Because you won’t, because her behavior is the antithesis of Catholicism.
My prayers are with you and your husband…and for your MIL to turn over a new leaf, sooner than later!
*
J
joandarc2008
Guest
I am so sorry to hear you and your family are going through this. Catholicism teaches us to be Christ-like. Christ treated everyone with love. While none of us is perfect Christ shared his table with sinners and saints alike. You and your children should be loved as fellow children of God - their behavior only serves to drive people away from the Church not to it.
J
jmcrae
Guest
No, not at all - in fact, I had always been under the impression that we were the first to invent the concept, originally.
Yes, it would. I think every Catholic teacher would say that every child should be given the opportunity to reach his or her highest potential. It would be theft from God, to forbid a child from reaching his or her potential.
And with a Mom like you, I have no doubt that the day will come soon, when no one will remember that he had ever been “challenged.”
- Status