Trouble relating to Catholic in-laws

[tundramom]

Hi Inanna,
I noticed you mentioned Minnesota. I live in Minnesota and I’m not native.

I have lived here for over 14 years, but in my small town, I’m still a transplant. Part of what I’ve found about Minnesotans is their absolute attitude that if you just pull yourself up with your bootstraps and push on through, you’ll be fine. Unfortunately, while this can be a good trait, it can also be frustrating for those of us who just aren’t there. This seems to involve anyone who has an addiction, suffers from mental problems, or disability that doesn’t involve missing a limb.

There are two camps in Minnesota that I see. Ultra liberal, and ultra conservative. There’s not a whole lot inbetween. The ultra-liberal camp usually wins in politics here, which throws the ultra-conservative crowd into a defensive position. Also, the ultra-liberal camp has the ears of the news media for the most part… so there’s that.

I believe what you are experiencing is a little bit of that. I don’t know if you are a native, but if you are, and you don’t live in the twin cities, or your in-laws don’t and you do… there’s a cultural gap that is generations old.

YOU are not to blame. There is nothing you can do to change these people or be accepted by them. This one is owned by THEM.

It also sounds to me like they are Catholic, but haven’t been listening to the Gospel very much. I’m a convert to Catholicism. I was led here I believe by God and I wouldn’t change it for anything. My in-laws are a lot like you describe yours to be. My conversion to Catholicism didn’t change their minds or attitudes about myself or my children. They are who they are and they treat me that way. I only get “in their face” about any of it when it involves my children.

Your son will see them for what they are if you go into any conversation with them having NO expectations of your own. If you expect nothing, they can’t hurt you. If you expect them to act civilly and fairly, you will be disappointed at every turn. Your son will see that and he will know that what they do or say does not take away from who HE is, especially in your eyes.

I am so sorry they have used their Faith (which doesn’t exhibit a Catholic way of life that I am familiar with) to beat you over the head. Please try to see that if it wasn’t your being a non-Catholic, it would be somethig else. This is just an easy excuse for them to put their fingers on and point to.

I’m glad you found this forum.

God Bless
Steph

 

[Inanna]

Hi Inanna,
I noticed you mentioned Minnesota. I live in Minnesota and I’m not native.

I have lived here for over 14 years, but in my small town, I’m still a transplant. Part of what I’ve found about Minnesotans is their absolute attitude that if you just pull yourself up with your bootstraps and push on through, you’ll be fine. Unfortunately, while this can be a good trait, it can also be frustrating for those of us who just aren’t there. This seems to involve anyone who has an addiction, suffers from mental problems, or disability that doesn’t involve missing a limb.
Steph

HaHa. Minnesotan’s can be a severe bunch. I don’t think that it is so much that we don’t want you to have help. We just don’t want you to complain so much about that severed arm. After all, things could be a lot worse.

All kidding aside…My MIL isn’t from here. Also, we are a pretty diverse state being so different geographically. I think attitudes tend to be regional. I am originally from the area (the northeaster part of the state), but have lived elsewhere. I know that locals can be pretty unwelcoming to new comers here. (I don’t know what part of the state you live in.)

You’re probably right about my in-laws. They would find something else to pick at. It sounds like you have first hand knowledge on the subject.

Resources are lacking being that we live in such a rural area, but my son and I are lucky to have a lot of support from my side of the family, the schools and clinic.

 

[tundramom]

Yeah, but I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else!

I love Minnesota!!

We’re getting a bunch of snow here tomorrow so I’m really excited about that. Hunkered down here… logs split… fire going… snow tires on.

Steph

 

[Red_Meg]

My MIL has declared that things should go back to the time when there was no special help for kids with disabilities. I told her that was very offensive to me because of my son. She said that she didn’t mean my son, but autistic and down syndrome kids (which was still very offensive to me). In her time, those kids stayed home from school. Catholics aren’t against special ed in schools are they? Wouldn’t it be anti-life to say that all children should be born into this world, but stay at home please. (Sorry I guess this still upsets me).

Okay, these folks’ behavior was already cheesing me off, but this is when I blew my stack.

My oldest has global apraxia and Asperger’s syndrome. He couldn’t speak at all when he was three and couldn’t be understood by anyone outside the family until he was about six or so. He was in speech therapy from the time he was 2.5 years old until about 12, and still at age 16 his speech is far from perfect. So as one special needs mom to another, aside from the whole Catholic issue, I have to offer my sympathy in the face of idiotic people who just don’t get the value of early intervention and educating ALL CHILDREN as far as their capacity permits. *** Grrr… ***

And, no, let me assure you that this anti-special-ed-stuff is also NOT a Catholic attitude. My dad, born and raised Catholic, grew up in rural Ireland. He told me many times as my oldest, his namesake, was growing up and getting all this assistance, how thankful he was that such services were available now. Because in Ireland in the 1940s, there was nothing even remotely like it-- no expertise in helping such children, and besides that, no money for even basic medical care much less a luxury like ST or OT. A boy like mine would have simply been labeled the village idiot, and that would have been the end of it, and my dad was so happy that in our day and age real help was available.

I’m so glad you took the time to try and sort out how much of this (or little in this case) was due to Catholicism and how much to warped personalities. Even if Catholicism isn’t your cup of tea, I’d still encourage you to keep checking things out. There are some outstanding books available that would give you a better sense of what we’re really about, which will at least help you understand your husband better. Even if he’s no longer practicing, the Catholic faith has still shaped and colored the man he is today. To Know Christ Jesus by Frank Sheed is a really readable, engaging book. Fundamentals of the Faith by Peter Kreeft is another one, of more recent vintage, that is again very readable and clear.

Best regards, and please do steer clear of these toxic-sounding people!

Margaret

 

[1ke]

Your MIL has gone from rude and obnoxious to a full on whack-job through the course of your description of things she says and does.

Personally, I’d stay far away from her.

 

[tbcrawford]

Your MIL has gone from rude and obnoxious to a full on whack-job through the course of your description of things she says and does.

Personally, I’d stay far away from her.

Have to say I totally agree. Staying in contact will just cause more harm.
Let your husband visit them alone and if they visit you they should treat you respectfully and your husband would have to defend this if it happens.For your sanity and safety of your children
keep away.

God bless you

 

[shannyk]

They definitely mix their religion and their politics; so being naive about Catholicism, it is hard for me to separate the two. I don’t know if their complete distrust of medical and educational authority stems from religion or politics; but last Thanksgiving my MIL and BIL said something that offended me so greatly that I ended up in an argument with them (something I try to avoid). My son has a rare speech disability. When ever I talk about it to my in-laws I get a lot of rolling of eyes and disbelief that such a thing exists. He receives special education through his school. Early intervention is very important so that he is able to talk and it doesn’t inhibit his ability to learn to read. My MIL has declared that things should go back to the time when there was no special help for kids with disabilities. I told her that was very offensive to me because of my son. She said that she didn’t mean my son, but autistic and down syndrome kids (which was still very offensive to me). In her time, those kids stayed home from school. Catholics aren’t against special ed in schools are they? Wouldn’t it be anti-life to say that all children should be born into this world, but stay at home please. (Sorry I guess this still upsets me). Minnesota public school has a policy of inclusion for all kids in the class room. If kids need assistance, a special ed teacher accompanies them in the class room. This policy has done wonders for who has problems with transitions and terrible tantrums due to his inability to properly communicate.

inanna, my goodness, I am SO SORRY for how you are being treated. I was reading through this whole thread and this post stuck out to me, because I have two special needs kids myself. In NO WAY shape or form do your in laws represent Catholics or Catholicism on this subject of special needs children, medicine, education,etc. in fact what your MIL said was very much in contradiction to teachings of our faith. She should know that. Frankly she sounds like she knows everything… Honestly you must have the patience of a saint becasue if it was me I’d have no part of this childish, disgusting, inexcusable behavior. If I may offer my opinion, your MIL needs to be put in her place by your husband, he has a duty as a husband to defend you.

If it makes you feel any better, in law problem topics are commonplace here, it’s a really a common family problem and has nothing to do with you personally, so please don’t take it that way. You in laws are behaving VERY uncharitably and even worse, are exploiting their faith as justification for it. Our faith is made up of sinners, and your in laws are no exception to that, but they have no excuse for their treatment of you.

I liked what estebob said, about learning more about Catholicism, that would be your best ‘defense’ against these people. Many prayers for you!

As for the special needs kids and education, you might direct your MIL to the writings of a devout Catholic woman named Maria Montessori

 

[Inanna]

Okay, these folks’ behavior was already cheesing me off, but this is when I blew my stack.
My oldest has global apraxia and Asperger’s syndrome. He couldn’t speak at all when he was three and couldn’t be understood by anyone outside the family until he was about six or so. He was in speech therapy from the time he was 2.5 years old until about 12, and still at age 16 his speech is far from perfect. So as one special needs mom to another, aside from the whole Catholic issue, I have to offer my sympathy in the face of idiotic people who just don’t get the value of early intervention and educating ALL CHILDREN as far as their capacity permits. *** Grrr… ***
Margaret

My son has oral and verbal apraxia of speech. He has a very good speech pathologist that has been very helpful in not only addressing physical problems, but the emotional ones such as lack of self-confidence that inhibits my son from trying new sounds unprompted. His teachers help him at school with transitions and separation so that he can attend preschool with other kids. I really don’t know what we would do without them. If it weren’t for parents and others who advocated for their children and educated the public, we would not have such compassion today. I just get bummed because I like to share my son’s accomplishments no matter how small; and it hurts when my excitement is greeted with rudeness.

 

[Red_Meg]

My son has oral and verbal apraxia of speech. He has a very good speech pathologist that has been very helpful in not only addressing physical problems, but the emotional ones such as lack of self-confidence that inhibits my son from trying new sounds unprompted. His teachers help him at school with transitions and separation so that he can attend preschool with other kids. I really don’t know what we would do without them. If it weren’t for parents and others who advocated for their children and educated the public, we would not have such compassion today. I just get bummed because I like to share my son’s accomplishments no matter how small; and it hurts when my excitement is greeted with rudeness.

My oldest son, too-- the “global” part is just the easiest way to avoid writing out limb, voice and speech apraxia…

Just in case you haven’t already found it, there is an outstandingly helpful website and email listserve called Apraxia Kids. Everything I know about special needs advocacy and why it’s not just okay but essential to push for 1:1 ST and what a good IEP should look like, I learned from these generous parents and therapists. Plus, these parents can always appreciate what a big deal it is when a child masters the /l/ sound or makes it through a half-day of pre-school with no “accidents”…

There are also a goodly number of special needs parents floating around CAF. Trust me, if you ever just want to start a thread to boast about some great thing your son has accomplished, you will get loads of virtual high fives and congrats. It’s important for all parents, but I think especially for special needs, because of the isolation factor, to have an encouraging, supportive network of people around them. Ideally real-world family and friends fill that role, but as we know sometimes it doesn’t work out that way.

Best,

Margaret

 

[Inanna]

RED MEG: Yes, I found that website soon after my son was diagnosed. It has been very helpful. I also get their e-letter and am a member of their facebook group. He works with both the special ed teacher and the speech therapist at his school. I guess one of the advantages of living way out in the country is the special attention my son gets at his school. It is a very small school. The teachers aren’t overextended like they are in some of the bigger, neighboring districts.

 

[mommamia]

I know its been covered but, I have to say one more time, that it is absolutely not a Catholic idea that special needs children should be “left at home”.

I have a special needs child myself, and I thank God everyday for the wonderful Catholic school our parish has. Many non-Catholics send their children there simply because of the wonderful, inclusive, personalized and loved filled special ed options they offer.

That is not only not a Catholic idea, it is actively anti-Catholic.

I’m sorry you have such problems with your in-laws. I think you and your husband should seriously consider limiting your contact with these people.

 

[remjsmom76]

For every family…and as I have learned esp the mans parents, there is always a reason to ‘HATE’ the woman who took their son away. For me…my husband was 18 when we got married, I was pregnant and I didnt have a degree. It was a big deal to his mom and she wanted “better” for her son. She treated me horrible. That was her.

Your in-laws sound like they are controlling. It has nothing to do with them being catholic. Being catholic means to be accepting and loving just like Jesus was. Jesus sat and dined with the unwanted. Great leaders scoffed at him because he did so. So long as they dont harm your child verbally or emotionally dont worry about it. Let it slide off of you like water on a ducks back. Who cares what they think. Its only that one day…I dont know if you see them the rest of the year but if you do, try to avoid them as much as possible.

I have learned that you need to take out poisonous people from your life. Those type of people are cancerous to the soul and the spirit. I do not see my MIL very often, but when I do, I try to be nice and cordial. I can go for MONTHS without hearing or seeing my MIL and my husband works for his dad! so it can be done. Late on explain to your child in a nice way, not to villainize his grandparents, but just to let them know they have issues that have nothing to do with him but that affect their thought process. I have had to do so with my girls. They understand grandma may be bipolar…it is why they dont go or stay with her long.

 

[EvelynEVF]

Inanna, I have a feeling that Franciscan writings would give you a bit of background on Catholicism and also mesh well with some of your Buddhist leanings, because of the emphasis on living simply and the brotherhood of all creatures. There is actually a Secular Franciscan pretty high up in the Order who actively does stuff with Buddhism and Franciscanism. Darned if I can think of his last name, sorry. Leonard Foley writes some fairly easy reads with good background.

 

[jjtc]

For every family…and as I have learned esp the mans parents, there is always a reason to ‘HATE’ the woman who took their son away. For me…my husband was 18 when we got married, I was pregnant and I didnt have a degree. It was a big deal to his mom and she wanted “better” for her son. She treated me horrible. That was her.

I don’t know about that. I’m pretty sure if my parents had to choose, they would take my wife over me any day

Ianna, I have nothing else to offer but prayers. The Prayer of St. Francis offered by Liberanosamalo was wonderful; I could imagine their faces if you belted that out at the dinner table on Christmas Day

Good luck.

 

[remjsmom76]

I do have to correct my reply. I didnt mean EVERY MOTHER that has a son was like this. I just have to say thats how I feel. I have not known, or have yet come to know any woman who says their MIL treats them fair or right.

My mom had to endure my grandmothers insults. She almost caused my parents to divorce. My father had my moms things all packed up and ready for her, one day, so she could move out. My mother stood her ground and said to my dad " I did not leave my house a whore, you did not pick me out of the streets. So if you want to leave me you take me back to my father and explain to him why your leaving me." Well, they didnt get a divorce and my mom was the ONLY ONE to see my grandmother in illness and see to it that she was in comfort when she was passing away. All other DIL’s (my grandmother has 8 sons) didnt give a damn.

Then there was me. Well, my ex didnt treat me well, but his parents did like me very much. His mother wanted me to marry him so much that she had already told her family that we were engaged! So she was heartborken when she found out that her son ended our relationship. Thats when I met my husband. His mom was nice at first, then she became vile. She always thought we would end the relationship. She always told my mom our love was puppy love…nothing serious. When I got pregnant she insisted that our oldest daughter was not his child. Then when I was about 4 or 5 months pregant she told such a lie that nearly got me arrested.

My best friend, she met her husband when she was here on a student Visa from Mexcio. 2 yrs later they got married. His mom was not happy, because he wanted to become a priest. So much for that…they got married because she got pregnant! When she was becoming a citizen she had to go back to Mexico to finalize the documentation. Her MIL told her husband (the son) he should just let her stay there and forget about her. They already had 2 kids when this happened. My best friend didnt find out through the grape vine, her husband told her what his mom was trying to convince him of doing. Apparently the mom did tell her that she should have stayed in Mexico so her son could have a happy life.

It is my impression that mothers of boys do not like any woman or feel no other woman can take care of their sons as well as they can. I have other theories but Ill stop at that one.

I have 4 girls and I hope my girls find a man whos mom loves them just as much as your mom loves your wife. I know those men who take my daughters will be very much loved here. We have no sons so all future Son’s in Law will be “spoiled” by my husband and I.

I don’t know about that. I’m pretty sure if my parents had to choose, they would take my wife over me any day

Ianna, I have nothing else to offer but prayers. The Prayer of St. Francis offered by Liberanosamalo was wonderful; I could imagine their faces if you belted that out at the dinner table on Christmas Day

Good luck.

 

[Inanna]

This reminds me of a story I was once told about a man whose MIL thought that he was never good enough for her daughter. The MIL never excepted him though he and her daughter were happily married. In her old age, the MIL became ill with dementia. One night while he was caring for her, the MIL turned to her SIL and said “do you know my daughter?” “you would make a nice husband for my daughter”.

 

[angelaliverpool]

Inanna

You are in Excile at this time in your life’s journey but there is hope at the end of the tunnel and God will be your Guiding Light. Put your trust in him and let him who is powerful and full of knowledge help you in your time of need and if you really believe in God the Father , the son and the holyspirt all will be revealled.

If this does not make senSE, JUST TAKE TIME TO REFLECT AND OPEN THE BIBLE AND THE ANSWER WILL COME TO YOU.

If you are really strugling go and have a take to a Catholic priest and ask if you can go on a RCIA Journey of faith group. It will help you with lots of answers and you dont have to conform to Catholicism just go to reflect and when you have some knowledge of the faith you will draw strength from thqat and feel confident enough to confront your In-Laws and even maye it will bring you PEACE!

To seperate families is a hard thing to do and family life is so much the way of Catholicism, you can go on the CBCEW WEBSITE to find documents and policy’s for family and married life.

I don’t recall you prouncing which faith you come from, but that your convictions were strong. Good for you because Jesus’ ministry lead him to preach to the Galileans, Jews, Israelits, pharisees and others not of his beliefs or phylisophical convictions.

You are a part of the mystery of our faith we are all living it. You married your husband, facts that are true which we can explain, but how can we explain the reason for you choosing him and not one of the thosands of other men on this earth? we can say because he is a good man, a caring man, a hansome man and a generous man all good qualities that will explain why you love him, but out of all those other men in the world with the same good quailities why not one of them? we can explain the time, the place and the know how but not the reason why?

Tell you MIL and all the family that on Christmas day, you bring peace with you as God has asked, tell them that we are all a part of history and that you believeas Jesus has said in the bible, * …For I have come to set son against father, daughter against mother, DIL against MIL and a person’s enemies will be the members of his own houshold. /I And Jesus went on to explain any1 who prefers others over him, will lose there life and any one who welcomes you , welcomes him.

I know this convo, is long and may seem dismil in some way, but I assure you it is from an open heart and one who believes that mountains can be moved.

NIght night God bless you everyone.

Angela*

 

[cecilia97]

I am happy that I found this web site. I have been having negative feelings, building for some time, toward the whole Catholic faith. It is very wrong of me to be angry at a whole group because a few have treated me badly. These negative feelings are poisonous and have been making me feel depressed. Luckily I am now learning and will no longer be hindered by my ignorance. I truly thank you for your kindness.

Inanna, God bless you, and I am so glad you found CAF too. I think, if I was in this situation, I would stop visiting their home. I might invite them to MY home on holiday occasions. The people who like you and can behave themselves will show up. If anyone does show up who can’t behave themselves, you can use your discretion about asking them to leave or not inviting them back again.

I don’t have kids, but I don’t think I would allow my child to visit this type of “family”, either. It’s a tough situation. But, ultimately, your marriage consists of you, your husband, and God. The inlaws are not part of your vows. Be respectful, but remember that you deserve respect as well.

I pray that your husband will understand how this situation hurts you.

 

[jesuspsr]

Just WOW! If your husband grew up with THAT going on in his family, I can easily see why he ‘lost his faith’ - I sincerly hope that you and your husband learn to ‘rise above’ all the antics going on in that family because what they are doing is certainly NOT living the Will of God (as Catholics are called to) with all the shenanigans they are pulling.

I think THEY are the ones that need to CONVERT! How can they even expect you to ‘convert’ when even they themselves are not truly living the faith - or are at least keeping themselves ignorant to how they should be? I think this is the hyprocracy(sp?) that Christ warned us of, and it can be very damaging to all around (as you have already experienced)!

Prayers going out to you and your family, and may somehow - some Graces of God come to your Inlaws to convert THEIR hearts to truly living the model of the Holy Family instead of what they are doing now.

YBIC
-G

Agree:thumbsup:

Reading your post, I became very anrgy not at you but your inlaws. That is not Catholic behavior at all. Protect yourself and your child from them.
I pray for you and your family. Peace be with you.
Oh yeah and this catholic loves you and your child.

 

[Supercatholic]

Isanna, Let me start off by saying Mother in Laws are horrible creatures. Both mine and my ex-wife’s were contributing factors that lead to our divorce. They weren’t the only factors, but contributed none the less. The unfortunate fact of Catholicism is it judged more so on the ignorance and idiocy of most of it’s members that have no clue what it really is to be Catholic than what the Catholic Church really teaches. If you’re in-laws were real Catholics and not idiots that just wear a Catholic badge like most Catholics do, then your husband would have still be been practicing his faith and your in-laws would either have explained it themselves or found someone to tell you of the beautiful rich treasure the Catholic Church really is. I bet in your soul you are already more Catholic than your in-laws will ever be. For your own sake not your husband’s, not your in-laws, not anyone else’s learn the Catholic faith. I can answer some basic questions if you have any. I also recommend you use the Ask An Apologist section. Other great sites Scripture Catholic, Catholic Defenders, Saint Michael’s Media just to name a few.