Trouble Staying Pure

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My boyfriend and I are both 25 (give/take a handful of months) have been dating for nearly 2 years and we’ve been friends for 7.

I’m a convert (6 years ago) and he was never really raised a Catholic. He was baptized and went to a catholic school when he was young. But he “fell out” of the faith as it were.

He does believe in God, and attends mass with me and is supportive of my beliefs and my conversion.

Our relationship started when we lived 3/4 hours drive apart. He’s drive up every other weekend or so to spend time together. After 6/7 months, we ended up sleeping together and that led to us having sex shortly after.

At the time, he has had one previous sex partner but I was a virgin. I have told him of my desire to remain pure until marriage and he said that he was okay with that. We keep trying to sleep in separate beds when he comes to visit, or me staying with a friend. But we keep ending up staying in the same bed.

There’d be times when we don’t fall into temptation, but often after a handful of visits, we end up having sex again.

We’ve had a few fights where I said I can’t be with someone who keeps committing a mortal sin. And each time, we would end up getting back together.

I don’t want to make him sound like a terrible person. I genuinely do feel that this is someone I could marry. We have an amazing rapport, we have a great friendship as a foundation, and we’ve talked about (and agreed on) the “big issues”, like children, religion and open to life.

We have similar values in how we view marriage. I know he’s not a Catholic, but he equally views the importance of being faithful in a marriage and the responsibilities that comes with having a family. We’ve definitely talked about getting married, but only when we’re able to move back home to the same city.

But if only he’s able to stay pure with me, and not lead me to temptation! I’ve been struggling with this because on the one hand, I do see a married life with this man, but on the other, he can’t stay pure, before marriage. I know he tells me he agrees with me, and that he’s remorseful when he confesses…but we keep falling into these temptations.

What should I do…?
 
Your story is exactly why I don’t feel long dating relationships without marriage are a good idea it just leads to frustration and temptation but sometimes it can’t be avoided for various reasons. I don’t really have advice for you other than praying about it and making it a priority to stay out of the same bed as your BF and not have him stay with you. Is there a Y or a hostile nearby? If economy is the issue that might be an option. Do you have a male friend who could put him up even for a nominal fee. Sometime to avoid sin we make sacrifices like not having him visit as often. Prayers.
 
The fact that he is not respecting your wishes not to have sex until you are married does not bode well for the relationship, I am sorry to say. Now, you are complicit if you are allowing him to stay in your apartment and expecting him to be the strong one and resist temptation. See, the problem with having sex before you are married is that sex is meant to cement you to your husband AFTER marriage. If you start experiencing that bonding with someone who might not be a good candidate, it will be that much harder to break up, since your body and mind already believes in a way, that you ARE married (same chemicals released as when you take your vows). God MEANT for sex to bind us to our spouse and to create children.

Stop letting him stay overnight, period. Meet him for dinner, go out to a movie, whatever. But he cannot stay in your apartment overnight. He gets a motel room or stays with a friend. If he fusses about this, and doesn’t get control of himself and apologize to you, break up with him. 2 years is enough to know whether you are going forward into marriage. Do not be fooled by the sex. Hard to do, I know, but once you stop having sex it will be easier to see the truth.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
The fact that he is not respecting your wishes not to have sex until you are married does not bode well for the relationship, I am sorry to say. Now, you are complicit if you are allowing him to stay in your apartment and expecting him to be the strong one and resist temptation.
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I don’t get how this is all his fault? She isn’t respecting her own wishes by have sex with him. She isn’t just complicit by letting him stay either. She is complicit by having sex with him. If she wasn’t complicit with that, it would be rape. So lets give the guy a break. He’s not the only one suffering from temptation.

Anyways, I will pray for you! Try to do more things and public, and don’t let him back to your place, at all. He can go straight from the movie/diner to his hotel. Just avoid the temptation, don’t try to face it and overcome it by having him stay.
 
Propose. Get married. Enjoy the graces and benefits of married sex.
 
KFAN3 said:
I don’t get how this is all his fault? She isn’t respecting her own wishes by have sex with him. She isn’t just complicit by letting him stay either. She is complicit by having sex with him. If she wasn’t complicit with that, it would be rape. So lets give the guy a break. He’s not the only one suffering from temptation.
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This was my first thought, too, but then I re-read what ECKC said: “We’ve had a few fights where I said I can’t be with someone who keeps committing a mortal sin.” It dawned on me that this doesn’t necessarily mean “… because I can’t be with a sinner”, but rather “… because I’m weak in this area, too, and I need someone who can be strong and help me stay out of sin!”

It’s a reasonable request, on her part. But, as some have mentioned, once you start down this path, it’s sooo difficult to stop, even with the best of intentions…!
 
KFAN3 said:
I don’t get how this is all his fault? She isn’t respecting her own wishes by have sex with him. She isn’t just complicit by letting him stay either. She is complicit by having sex with him. If she wasn’t complicit with that, it would be rape. So lets give the guy a break. He’s not the only one suffering from temptation.

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I agree! She is just as much at fault as her boyfriend, and she is expecting him to basically do some she is not willing to do herself - to not engage in sex.

To the OP: 2 years is a long enough time to date someone and decide if you want to marry them or not. It’s time for you both decide if you want to marry, and if not, then it’s time to end it and move on. There really shouldn’t be anymore waiting to see at this point.
 
This may be too late to help the OP, but this sad story just shows the consequences of Catholics/virgins who “reject their own kind”. Maybe redemption can be found if this deters other Catholics from making the same mistake.
 
To the OP: can you meet halfway between you and him for a day of hanging out like dinner, movie, etc away from the temptation of your apartment? It seems that going there can cause the temptations. If you are in a city where there’s no place to sleep together, the chances of having sex are less. I think you said you’re 3 1/2 hours apart? That’s not bad if you each travel about 1 1/2 hours to meet someone on “neutral turf.”

Whatever you do, you have to fix the problem and make practical adjustments…get the occasion of sin out of the way, and that seems to be being together in the apartment.
 
I may take you further down the guilt trip you are already taking, but I’ll risk it.
  1. How are you managing not to get pregnant? Are you somehow preventing life?
  2. When something as major as fornication is committed, there should be a strong desire to turn around 180 degrees. What I mean is, you have to learn to aim for the stars so that if you fall short you can land safely on the moon. Strive for more than just not sleeping with him again. Starve the lust. Keep purity in mind and imagination.
    Marriage will help curb these sexual desires, but you have the chance to develop the virtue of chastity now, why delay? It won’t be any easier when you are married.
  3. You are female. You have easier control over your hormones than he does. (this does not exempt or lessen his guilt). It is easier for you to say no to yourself. If you love him, struggle for him. Even if at that point you are thinking how pleasurable it wil be for you, stop yourself by thinking of how you will be killing his soul. Love is wanting what is best for the other person.
  4. You trust yourself. You really shouldn’t. Be a coward…RUN. Everytime you let him stay in the same house with you, you are trusting yourself. Get married. It may not be the ideal circumstance, but it is better to be uncomfortable than to sin.
God take care of you and help you to foster in your heart the desire to please Him.:signofcross:
 
End the relationship. Get to confession, focus on your spiritual growth. When you are ready to marry, then, seek out friendships with solid practicing Catholic men.
 
KFAN3 said:
I don’t get how this is all his fault? She isn’t respecting her own wishes by have sex with him. She isn’t just complicit by letting him stay either. She is complicit by having sex with him. If she wasn’t complicit with that, it would be rape. So lets give the guy a break. He’s not the only one suffering from temptation.

Anyways, I will pray for you! Try to do more things and public, and don’t let him back to your place, at all. He can go straight from the movie/diner to his hotel. Just avoid the temptation, don’t try to face it and overcome it by having him stay.
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Did you not read what I wrote? I said that she is complicit! But he will one day be the spiritual head of his home, and to start out in this way is not the right direction. He needs to act like a man and stop staying with her. It will be easier for her to do the right thing if he is being a Godly example. Of COURSE they are both doing the wrong thing at present.
 
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