Trouble with cemetery

[ellzeena]

I have owned a plot, and there is a headstone in place, for almost two years. Last Thursday, I buried the cremains of my daughter in a secure vault in the center of the plot. When they dig for my (prearrangements made) grave, they will hit the vault; there are documents on file that the fragile china urn is to be put into my arms. Now, the problem:

This is a Catholic cemetery. On Long Island there is a pet cemetery where I have a beloved dog buried. This cemetery where my plot is has begun to look like that pet cemetery. People have built (using bricks, etc.) edges around graves, erected all sorts of things (including toys), globes, etc. sometimes infringing on the graves next to their own. There have also been reports of vandalism (at the back perimeter along the fence line) where stones have been knocked down, and other reports where perennial flowers have been literally uprooted and other things left on graves outright stolen. So today I made arrangements for a foot stone, on concrete laid in the ground, at the (obviously) foot of the grave which makes a statement from me to my daughter. Now, the problem…

I am friends with, and have great respect and affection for, the Deacon in charge of this cemetery. But he is now 79 years old and has been “fighting” the “fight” of “pet cemetery” with no result for some time. He tells me I need to go to the Pastor (no one else apparently is willing). How can I, a “newbie”, approach this Pastor and expect any reaction? I think people whose loved ones are buried here need to acknowledge that we believe in the resurrection of the body, that Christ will return, that (hopefully) the souls of our loved ones are (at least) in purgatory and (at best) in some level of the beatific presence, without the need for globes, balloons, toys, encroachment upon our neighbors by planting trees that are becoming enormous, etc. I offered my services to speak to these people. Whom among them (and yes there are people who have lost children younger than mine) can argue with my intention which is to keep this a sacred ground, a tribute to the risen Christ and not to resemble the pet cemetery where my dog is buried on Long Island?

Well, apparently, they’re not interested in my offer to help approach these very vulnerable and very hurting people. And, instead, I’m directed yet again to speak to the Pastor who is, yes, a “real” priest (not a fake living out a life he’s stuck in) but not quite the “priest” that is willing to listen to me, nor respond to me, as is my confessor Father Bill.

Should I just let “sleeping dogs lie” (terrible comparison adage)? Should I just submit my plans, and pay outrageous fee for foundation for footstone, and hope they agree to what it says, and then leave it at that? Or am I somehow now obligated to step in and begin a slow and painful process (not alone, certainly!) of restoring this cemetery to its original intention? Any ideas? It’s hard enough as it is and frankly I’m hanging on by a thread.

 

[curlycool89]

I hate to be frank with anyone who is grieving, but I’ll say my piece here.

This summer I’m working at the Catholic cemetery as a labourer. One of the jobs is taking care of the markers (upright headstones or flat markers). The first thing I did as part of that job was trimming grass around the markers (stuff the lawnmowers can’t get to for whatever reason), and I’ll tell you, it’s not easy.

I remember reading in the paper around Christmas that some cemeteries here have very strict rules about what can and can’t be placed on a grave. I thought it was too strict, but working here now I see the reasons.

We get all sorts of, well, junk(if you want to call it “sentimental items” or “momentous”, or whatever, but it’s all just stuff). The policy here is pretty straightforward actually: Flowers are allowed in approved vases (ones that we have installed, this is not a bring-your-own-vase party), anything else is, strictly speaking, disallowed. Still, we get flowers (both real and fake) on graves. Candles (despite the signs that say “NO FIRES, NO CANDLES”. They’re a big fire risk). Those solar lanterns, pictures, beads strung up in trees, and the other day I found a can of beer. I’ve seen several plants too (on the same marker too). The “baby section” often has stuffed toys and plastic cars.

We’ve got to keep this looking like a respectable place you can visit, which means lots of mowing and trimming. We go through sections once and a while and pick up all the stuff (along with dead flowers too). For us it’s a logistical issue (we need to get around to maintain, dig new graves, and identify makers without needed to move a bunch of stuff), but I can see it also as a sacred-space issue.

It really shouldn’t be that hard, because the policy of my cemetery that I mentioned above is the policy of most cemeteries (some actually go further and ban fake flowers). For your cemetery, this is really an issue of bringing up this cemetery to industry standards. Cemeteries are not junkyards, and even the public cemeteries understand this.

As a Catholic cemetery, all that stuff is embarrassing and frankly looks hypocritical. Your loved ones may well be with God and have no need of your stuff, Jesus even tells us to store up our treasures in Heaven and not on earth.

 

[Phemie]

We have the same problem in our cemetery and let me tell you that unless you already have policies in place you are in for a fight if you try to restrict what people have been freely allowed to do for many years.

In the last 5-7 years glow-in-the-dark crosses have sprung up like mushrooms in out town cemetery, where the Catholics probably have the biggest section. People have added benches (at least one elaborately carved) by the graves of loved ones and cement borders and little fences have been there since forever. There would be a war if we tried to impose rules forbidding these things.

I’m of the ‘less is more’ school of cemeteries: flat grave markers with brass plaques for everyone. Looks neat and it’s easy to mow. I’m probably one of two people in town who feel that way.

 

[SMHW]

The cemetery where my mother is buried has the policy that new graves can have extra flowers and decorations for something like two weeks.

After that, nothing but flowers are allowed. With the exception of those new graves, Thursday is “cleaning day”. It doesn’t matter whether flowers where placed there on Wednesday or late on the previous Thursday: It goes away.

On Christmas and Easter they make allowances for small potted plants or small potted trees.

It may not be popular but perhaps you should suggest that such a policy be implemented at your local cemetery. If people want to put candles, balloons, or toys on graves when someone is first buried they have a couple of weeks to collect them.

I wouldn’t hold my breath about things changing, but you might have better luck if you can suggest a plan to implement change.

 

[StrawberryJam]

I’ve taken some to the cemetery that have watered other’s perennials. I have seen christmas plastic decorations on headstones until may or june. I can’t imagine the work involved to lift each item up, mow around it and put it back in place each week when the people who bother to go only show up twice a year.

 

[Mount_Carmel]

As someone who regularly goes to cemeteries and prays for those who have died, I find it sad that so many folks these increasingly non-religious and non-believing times are in ignorance and often ‘discomfort’ when attending funeral ‘services’ and loved ones’ graves.

While ‘they’ shuffle about or stand with hands in their pockets or fuss with flowers and/or trinkets I pray for their deceased, wondering how many even think to pray for their loved ones, or indeed others. I can almost hear the souls in Purgatory crying out that it is prayers and good deeds they need, not flowers! Those already in Heaven do not even need our prayers of course - which are never wasted, as any merits are passed on to those in Purgatory who can benefit from them. Those souls who may be in Hell, they of course are beyond even prayer.

Earthly fripparies at the graveside, including flowers are in reality there to assuage the emotions of the living. The soul/essence of the dead have left their bodies - all that remains in the graves are decaying physical leftovers.

Heaven has its own flowers, which are of course even more magnificent than any here on earth - ones which never wilt or stain.

 

[ellzeena]

I hate to be frank with anyone who is grieving, but I’ll say my piece here.

This summer I’m working at the Catholic cemetery as a labourer. One of the jobs is taking care of the markers (upright headstones or flat markers). The first thing I did as part of that job was trimming grass around the markers (stuff the lawnmowers can’t get to for whatever reason), and I’ll tell you, it’s not easy.

I remember reading in the paper around Christmas that some cemeteries here have very strict rules about what can and can’t be placed on a grave. I thought it was too strict, but working here now I see the reasons.

We get all sorts of, well, junk(if you want to call it “sentimental items” or “momentous”, or whatever, but it’s all just stuff). The policy here is pretty straightforward actually: Flowers are allowed in approved vases (ones that we have installed, this is not a bring-your-own-vase party), anything else is, strictly speaking, disallowed. Still, we get flowers (both real and fake) on graves. Candles (despite the signs that say “NO FIRES, NO CANDLES”. They’re a big fire risk). Those solar lanterns, pictures, beads strung up in trees, and the other day I found a can of beer. I’ve seen several plants too (on the same marker too). The “baby section” often has stuffed toys and plastic cars.

We’ve got to keep this looking like a respectable place you can visit, which means lots of mowing and trimming. We go through sections once and a while and pick up all the stuff (along with dead flowers too). For us it’s a logistical issue (we need to get around to maintain, dig new graves, and identify makers without needed to move a bunch of stuff), but I can see it also as a sacred-space issue.

It really shouldn’t be that hard, because the policy of my cemetery that I mentioned above is the policy of most cemeteries (some actually go further and ban fake flowers). For your cemetery, this is really an issue of bringing up this cemetery to industry standards. Cemeteries are not junkyards, and even the public cemeteries understand this.

As a Catholic cemetery, all that stuff is embarrassing and frankly looks hypocritical. Your loved ones may well be with God and have no need of your stuff, Jesus even tells us to store up our treasures in Heaven and not on earth.

I absolutely agree with everything you have written here and I wish there was something I could do because yes, it is embarrassing and does look hypocritical. The Deacon told me he hates it when I say it’s starting to look like a pet cemetery, but it IS. And it shouldn’t be! It appears the Pastor has his pet projects (no pun intended LOL) and this cemetery is not one of them. They don’t even lock the gates at night. So I’m putting my foot stone in and keeping my big mouth shut. The last thing I need is more grief, got plenty of that. Thank you for your honest reply.

 

[maryjk]

As someone who regularly goes to cemeteries and prays for those who have died, I find it sad that so many folks these increasingly non-religious and non-believing times**are in ignorance and often ‘discomfort’ **when attending funeral ‘services’ and loved ones’ graves.

Or maybe grief.

While ‘they’ shuffle about or stand with hands in their pockets or fuss with flowers and/or trinkets I pray for their deceased, wondering how many even think to pray for their loved ones, or indeed others. I can almost hear the souls in Purgatory crying out that it is prayers and good deeds they need, not flowers! Those already in Heaven do not even need our prayers of course - which are never wasted, as any merits are passed on to those in Purgatory who can benefit from them. Those souls who may be in Hell, they of course are beyond even prayer.

So you believe that having flowers at a grave is wrong? And that prayers only happen at the grave?

**Earthly fripparies at the graveside, including flowers are in reality there to assuage the emotions of the living. ** The soul/essence of the dead have left their bodies - all that remains in the graves are decaying physical leftovers.

Yes, they are. And they help those of us that have lost someone, grieve. I don’t know anyone that believes that those flowers or toys or trinkets are there FOR the deceased.

And thank you for that lovely picture of my parent’s decaying body.

Heaven has its own flowers, which are of course even more magnificent than any here on earth - ones which never wilt or stain.

I agree, in general, with the OP. Yes, cemeteries should look neat and clean. And there should be a time limit on how long things can stay.

The rest of what you said? :banghead:

 

[Mount_Carmel]

maryjk - I am sorry if I upset you, but what I said is so. I do occasionally put some flowers on my own precious parents grave, but I know they do not need them, and that the ‘ceremony’ in ‘psychological’ reality benefits me, not them. It also of course is good for the floral economy, which is indeed another positive consideration.

NO, I did not say it was wrong to put flowers on graves, and I am sure your relatives and others appreciate the sentiment - BUT it does not actually benefit them, it benefits the living. If the souls are in Purgatory it is PRAYERS and good works on their behalf that benefit them. If, as we hope is the case, they are in Heaven, then they can pass on the graces of those prayers to souls in Purgatory. As for Hell, well I will not go there - and I hope none of the souls do - that is why a precious too few of ‘us’ pray daily for the ‘souls who die this day and soon’.as well. We pray for a ‘Damascus Moment’ of Divine Mercy and reconcilliation of sinners, even those who without prayerful advocacy would find eternal perdition. Even at their last breath they may be saved.

As for the deceased’s body - it is departed, meaning the soul is elsewhere. Hopefully in Heaven, but regrettibly not always, that is why we should pray for them. Prayers are never wasted!

ps. Some years back now, during the ‘Dhofar Rebellion’ in the Arab Emirates a friend of mine who is not particularly religious was in the Royal Air Force Regiment attached to SAS helping government forces when they were ambushed. An SAS trooper was mortally wounded and he cradled the man in his arms as he died. He said that as the soldier died he felt and saw an ‘entity’ - his words - leave the body, and that the body no longer felt the same, it felt empty. [His soul, his essence, his reason for life had departed/left.]

ps. BTW, they turned the ambush around and actually managed to capture 4 Russian Spetsnaz {Special Forces] soldiers who officially [politically] should not have been there!

pps. To finish on a positive note, if your parent(s), as we hope AND PRAY, are in Heaven they can and will come to you to comfort you, they no longer need earthly comfort from us, they have the ultimate and eternal comfort in/with God.

ppps. Please don’t bang your head.

 

[maryjk]

maryjk - I am sorry if I upset you, but what I said is so. I do occasionally put some flowers on my own precious parents grave, but I know they do not need them, and that the ‘ceremony’ in ‘psychological’ reality benefits me, not them. It also of course is good for the floral economy, which is indeed another positive consideration.

Of course your parents don’t need the flowers. My point is, I don’t know anyone that thinks that the dead NEED flowers or toys or trinkets. Of course they are put there for our own benefit.

NO, I did not say it was wrong to put flowers on graves, and I am sure your relatives and others appreciate the sentiment - BUT it does not actually benefit them, it benefits the living. If the souls are in Purgatory it is PRAYERS and good works on their behalf that benefit them. If, as we hope is the case, they are in Heaven, then they can pass on the graces of those prayers to souls in Purgatory. As for Hell, well I will not go there - and I hope none of the souls do - that is why a precious too few of ‘us’ pray daily for the ‘souls who die this day and soon’.as well. We pray for a ‘Damascus Moment’ of Divine Mercy and reconcilliation of sinners, even those who without prayerful advocacy would find eternal perdition. Even at their last breath they may be saved.

Your assumption, or at least how you seemed to put it, was that those that put flowers, trinkets or toys on the graves of their loved ones, DIDN’T pray. It is incredible to me that you feel that you can see into their hearts.

As for the deceased’s body - it is departed, meaning the soul is elsewhere. Hopefully in Heaven, but regrettibly not always, that is why we should pray for them. Prayers are never wasted!

Who indicated that prayers are wasted? Or that the soul doesn’t depart when someone dies?

ps. Some years back now, during the ‘Dhofar Rebellion’ in the Arab Emirates a friend of mine who is not particularly religious was in the Royal Air Force Regiment attached to SAS helping government forces when they were ambushed. An SAS trooper was mortally wounded and he cradled the man in his arms as he died. He said that as the soldier died he felt and saw an ‘entity’ - his words - leave the body, and that the body no longer felt the same, it felt empty. [His soul, his essence, his reason for life had departed/left.]

As I held the hands of my parents, I felt them leave. Trust me, you don’t have to be on a battlefield to feel or see the spirit leave.

ps. BTW, they turned the ambush around and actually managed to capture 4 Russian Spetsnaz {Special Forces] soldiers who officially [politically] should not have been there!

pps. To finish on a positive note, if your parent(s), as we hope AND PRAY, are in Heaven they can and will come to you to comfort you, they no longer need earthly comfort from us, they have the ultimate and eternal comfort in/with God.

ppps. Please don’t bang your head.

Again, my point is:

We, as the loved ones of the deceased, sometimes need the comfort of flowers, trinkets or toys. Some find comfort in decorating for Christmas. Or in beads and pictures.

There needs to be general rules about what can be left, but we also need to realize that it isn’t just about what we think looks nice. Or what fits into what we believe.

(My parents are buried at a national cemetery so I am very limited in what I can bring and what can be left. It isn’t a problem for me, because I very rarely go. When I pray for them, I simply pray where ever I am.

 

[Mount_Carmel]

maryjk - Did I say that no one prays at the graveside?

I merely and significantly reflected upon the increasing numbers who do not believe in a God or an afterlife, and are therefore less inclined, or even able, to pray; they are among the shufflers and those with hands in pockets and looking a little out of place.

Have you really ‘listened’ to what I have posted?

ps. I can’t really percieve of ‘Dawkins types’ praying that much to a deity for the repose of a soul, can you?

 

[StrawberryJam]

maryjk - Did I say that no one prays at the graveside?

I merely and significantly reflected upon the increasing numbers who do not believe in a God or an afterlife, and are therefore less inclined, or even able, to pray; they are among the shufflers and those with hands in pockets and looking a little out of place.

Have you really ‘listened’ to what I have posted?

ps. I can’t really percieve of ‘Dawkins types’ praying that much to a deity for the repose of a soul, can you?

Stop offending people while you can. Just stop.
Some of us have loved ones that believed. Some of us have loved ones that did not.
We all hurt the same when one dies that we love.
When I slice my skin open with a knife accidentally, my blood looks the same as yours.
When I have cancer, it looks the same as one that resides in a body of another color or race, or religion.
We all hurt, we all grieve, we all die.
Stop it already.
Stop trying to make it sound as if your grieving is more holy or more worthy.
But you will. You don’t have a choice do you?

 

[ellzeena]

As someone who regularly goes to cemeteries and prays for those who have died, I find it sad that so many folks these increasingly non-religious and non-believing times are in ignorance and often ‘discomfort’ when attending funeral ‘services’ and loved ones’ graves.

While ‘they’ shuffle about or stand with hands in their pockets or fuss with flowers and/or trinkets I pray for their deceased, wondering how many even think to pray for their loved ones, or indeed others. I can almost hear the souls in Purgatory crying out that it is prayers and good deeds they need, not flowers! Those already in Heaven do not even need our prayers of course - which are never wasted, as any merits are passed on to those in Purgatory who can benefit from them. Those souls who may be in Hell, they of course are beyond even prayer.

Earthly fripparies at the graveside, including flowers are in reality there to assuage the emotions of the living. The soul/essence of the dead have left their bodies - all that remains in the graves are decaying physical leftovers.

Heaven has its own flowers, which are of course even more magnificent than any here on earth - ones which never wilt or stain.

Totally agreed! I like you!

 

[ellzeena]

ps. Some years back now, during the ‘Dhofar Rebellion’ in the Arab Emirates a friend of mine who is not particularly religious was in the Royal Air Force Regiment attached to SAS helping government forces when they were ambushed. An SAS trooper was mortally wounded and he cradled the man in his arms as he died. He said that as the soldier died he felt and saw an ‘entity’ - his words - leave the body, and that the body no longer felt the same, it felt empty. [His soul, his essence, his reason for life had departed/left.]

Had to stick this in here (although it is OT). I now live in an apartment complex in a small American town where everyone knows everyone else. Two doors down, a neighbor was dying (lung cancer, she chose not to get treatment, long story). I am (I hate this long title but here if you don’t use it well, then…) an Extraordinary Minister of the Holy Eucharist. A neighbor literally corralled me and told me my presence was absolutely needed at the woman’s bedside so, I went. I held her hand and said the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy and gave the four daughters with us the number of my confessor, Father Bill (it was a Sunday). He immediately called me to report he was on his way and that “we saved a soul tonight”. I was sitting in my apartment, her apartment is at the end of the hall close to my door, and I knew he had walked by. A couple of hours later, I “felt”, “saw”, dunno how to explain it, large “beings” of “white” walking down the hall toward her apartment. The awareness of their presence was sudden, came out of nowhere, and quite tangible. I believe the angels sat with her until she died.

And * It is incredible to me that you feel that you can see into their hearts.* - this is inappropriate anger and I do understand it, believe me, because I have it myself on and off, but let’s not attack this poster, please.

 

[maryjk]

And * It is incredible to me that you feel that you can see into their hearts.* - this is inappropriate anger and I do understand it, believe me, because I have it myself on and off, but let’s not attack this poster, please.

Not a problem.

I can leave this thread.

Just remember not everyone grieves the same as you do. Nor the same as Mount Carmel does.

To try to say they aren’t grieving or that they aren’t praying because they place flowers, toys and trinkets is, well, claiming to be able to see inside their hearts. To me that is incredible.

 

[Gia_B]

I have owned a plot, and there is a headstone in place, for almost two years. Last Thursday, I buried the cremains of my daughter in a secure vault in the center of the plot. When they dig for my (prearrangements made) grave, they will hit the vault; there are documents on file that the fragile china urn is to be put into my arms. Now, the problem:

This is a Catholic cemetery. On Long Island there is a pet cemetery where I have a beloved dog buried. This cemetery where my plot is has begun to look like that pet cemetery. People have built (using bricks, etc.) edges around graves, erected all sorts of things (including toys), globes, etc. sometimes infringing on the graves next to their own. There have also been reports of vandalism (at the back perimeter along the fence line) where stones have been knocked down, and other reports where perennial flowers have been literally uprooted and other things left on graves outright stolen. So today I made arrangements for a foot stone, on concrete laid in the ground, at the (obviously) foot of the grave which makes a statement from me to my daughter. Now, the problem…

I am friends with, and have great respect and affection for, the Deacon in charge of this cemetery. But he is now 79 years old and has been “fighting” the “fight” of “pet cemetery” with no result for some time. He tells me I need to go to the Pastor (no one else apparently is willing). How can I, a “newbie”, approach this Pastor and expect any reaction? I think people whose loved ones are buried here need to acknowledge that we believe in the resurrection of the body, that Christ will return, that (hopefully) the souls of our loved ones are (at least) in purgatory and (at best) in some level of the beatific presence, without the need for globes, balloons, toys, encroachment upon our neighbors by planting trees that are becoming enormous, etc. I offered my services to speak to these people. Whom among them (and yes there are people who have lost children younger than mine) can argue with my intention which is to keep this a sacred ground, a tribute to the risen Christ and not to resemble the pet cemetery where my dog is buried on Long Island?

Well, apparently, they’re not interested in my offer to help approach these very vulnerable and very hurting people. And, instead, I’m directed yet again to speak to the Pastor who is, yes, a “real” priest (not a fake living out a life he’s stuck in) but not quite the “priest” that is willing to listen to me, nor respond to me, as is my confessor Father Bill.

Should I just let “sleeping dogs lie” (terrible comparison adage)? Should I just submit my plans, and pay outrageous fee for foundation for footstone, and hope they agree to what it says, and then leave it at that? Or am I somehow now obligated to step in and begin a slow and painful process (not alone, certainly!) of restoring this cemetery to its original intention? Any ideas? It’s hard enough as it is and frankly I’m hanging on by a thread.

It’s none of your business what other people do with their graves. If someone, a complete stranger, were to say to you “You want your daughter’s ashes placed in your arms when your buried? That’s overly sappy, don’t you think?” you’d be offended, wouldn’t you? You probably are right now. Who am I to call your gesture of love sappy? Hold on to that emotion for a second. Do you think that others might feel the same way if you, a complete stranger who isn’t officially associated with the cemetery, said “Your plans for a brick boarder/tree/monument in a shape that I don’t approve of is tacky/immoral”? Who are you to find fault in what they think of as a gesture of love?

None of the things you’ve mentioned in your post, while they may be against a particular cemetery’s regulations, are inherently wrong. Maybe some people want to put boarders around graves because they think it makes them look neater. Maybe some people bring balloons because the joy the balloons bring them remind them both of the person they have lost and the joy of the resurrection. Sometimes “what I like” and “what is right” are not exactly the same thing. They can overlap, yes, but there isn’t a one-to-one correspondence.

 

[adrift]

I’m of the ‘less is more’ school of cemeteries: flat grave markers with brass plaques for everyone. Looks neat and it’s easy to mow. I’m probably one of two people in town who feel that way.

Hate those flat stones Just try to find a grave with the mowing of grass that they just let lie on top of the stone. You have to go and brush off each stone to find the person you want.

 

[curlycool89]

None of the things you’ve mentioned in your post, while they may be against a particular cemetery’s regulations, are inherently wrong. Maybe some people want to put boarders around graves because they think it makes them look neater. Maybe some people bring balloons because the joy the balloons bring them remind them both of the person they have lost and the joy of the resurrection. Sometimes “what I like” and “what is right” are not exactly the same thing. They can overlap, yes, but there isn’t a one-to-one correspondence.

I don’t know, having lit candles (which are against regulation) that could easily light the whole place up seems pretty selfish and uncaring about others who have loved ones buried there.

Like I was saying, the reasons are often logistical. If you want to go put lanterns and a dozen candles around your plot, then you can come once a week (at minimum) and mow the grass around it, and trim the stuff you can’t mow, and weed the rest. When cemetery workers have 1000 markers to trim today in that section (never mind the 10 other equally as large section), there’s isn’t time to move stuff around. I’m not going to lie, stuff often gets destroyed (especially flowers that are not in an approved vase). We’re pretty clear in our policy though that stuff on the markers is not allowed, and we’re not responsible for anything that happens to them.

This is a working cemetery we’re talking about. I noticed pretty quickly that a cemetery is almost like an open construction site. If we need to get a backhoe in the middle of a section to dig a new grave and there’s a bunch of stuff on a grave in the way, it’s going to get removed (and probably disposed of) or crushed.

 

[Gia_B]

I don’t know, having lit candles (which are against regulation) that could easily light the whole place up seems pretty selfish and uncaring about others who have loved ones buried there.

Okay, let me clarify: there is nothing inherently wrong with these things in a moral sense. The OP seemed more concerned with the outward appearance of the cemetery not giving proper respect and reverence to the resurrection and other matters of eschatology. The implication was that the things the OP objected to were morally wrong. In the example of burning candles, there is nothing morally wrong with that and I can see why people might want to light candles for their loved ones. As for the safety issue, that gets classed under regulations of the cemetery. If there’s a proper place to light candles, then I have no problem with it.

 

[Bergon]

Someone has to make a stance of this for sure. From what I’ve read on this thread it seems to be a universal problem, at least in western culture. As one poster said: “more is less” and this is so true. I completely fail to understand why people put this sort of “rubbish” on graves. My wife’s cousin is buried in our local cemetery. We are the only two people who regularly visit it and keep it weed free, etc. Other people who have visited have placed these pointless sentimental items of the grave. Overtime, as we’re the only regular visitors, we’ve gradually removed a few items. Unfortunately, similar items appear occasionally.

Numerous graves in the same grave yard look like anything other than graves. There are all sorts of ornaments such as teddy bears and all sorts of animals. Flags and things that whiz around when the wind blows. It would be partial acceptable if Christian symbols were placed on graves but they have nothing to do with faith.

It’s interesting that the cemetery is municipal. It has a number of parts: Catholic, other Christian, children, Jewish and Islam. As you can imagine the children’s section is the worse for this. But, the Jewish and Islamic sections have none of these silly items. They appear to have some modicum of respect for graves. They treat them as graves and don’t turn them into ridiculous symbols of sentimentality.