Trouble with family...need advice please!

[bpcatholic]

Hello! Let me start saying that I am a convert to the faith. I am pretty much the only Catholic in my family (my father was raised Catholic but is no longer practicing). Ever since I decided to become Catholic, my family, especially my mother have been cold toward me. If I need something, my mother says “Go ask your people for help.” She calls herself Christian but I get so angry at times I wish she wasn’t! She constantly calls me egotistical, says I don’t do anything at the house and when I do its completely worthless. She says I can’t do anything right. I apparantly fail at life according to my mother. I can’t be with other people. She also says she does not need to support me (I am not talking financially) any more. She thinks she can just throw me on the street.

I am only 19, I can’t find a job and the economy is making it worst. I have the impression that the things she does do for me are so that I can leave sooner. She does not want me around. Is this even a Christian attitude??? I don’t want to judge, but I ask myself why? Sometimes I don’t want to be Christian at all because of her. Today got me thinking about Christ’s suffering. I always believed I can connect with Him. But today I thought to myself “Christ was never really abandoned by His family so how can He feel my pain?” Granted, he was abandoned by His followers but that seems nowhere near to “family abandonment”. I really feel abandoned by my family…I don’t know how I can celebrate Christmas with them. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! I need prayer!

God Bless,
bpcatholic

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m sorry. I am a little taken aback that your mom is treating you this way, and you believe this is all because you converted to Catholicism? She acted completely different towards you pre-conversion?

If that is the case, just pray for her. That is really all you can do. You could fight with her, but at the end of the day, if she really is deeply troubled and tormented by your choice to become Catholic, all you can do is offer up this suffering to Christ. You could talk with her, but I wouldn’t argue with her. Pray for her enlightenment. Pray for her to have peace.

Christ was abandoned by people who He was giving His life up for. Abandonment is abandonment. I don’t believe your mother/family is abandoning you though. She just doesn’t like your choice of religion, and she is reacting towards that…and treating you in a way that reflects that. I think I would try to get out on my own as soon as possible, if the bad treatment keeps up. For your own peace of mind, you don’t need to be mistreated on a daily basis, and you are 19…so, I’d work towards trying to make my own way, asap, if your mom continues along her negative way of treating you.

BUT…I’m praying that her heart will soften, and learn to accept this. Have a blessed Christmas.

 

[bpcatholic]

I’m sorry. I am a little taken aback that your mom is treating you this way, and you believe this is all because you converted to Catholicism? She acted completely different towards you pre-conversion?

If that is the case, just pray for her. That is really all you can do. You could fight with her, but at the end of the day, if she really is deeply troubled and tormented by your choice to become Catholic, all you can do is offer up this suffering to Christ. You could talk with her, but I wouldn’t argue with her. Pray for her enlightenment. Pray for her to have peace.

Christ was abandoned by people who He was giving His life up for. Abandonment is abandonment. I don’t believe your mother/family is abandoning you though. She just doesn’t like your choice of religion, and she is reacting towards that…and treating you in a way that reflects that. I think I would try to get out on my own as soon as possible, if the bad treatment keeps up. For your own peace of mind, you don’t need to be mistreated on a daily basis, and you are 19…so, I’d work towards trying to make my own way, asap, if your mom continues along her negative way of treating you.

BUT…I’m praying that her heart will soften, and learn to accept this. Have a blessed Christmas.

Thank you. A little bit before I converted she started talking about wanting me to leave, but after my conversion it went extreme. I was thinking about going my own way, but with college, no car and no job makes things more difficult. She is paying for my books. I tried talking to her about how I feel but she is…cold. I love her very much but it saddens me that she is treating me this way.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thank you. A little bit before I converted she started talking about wanting me to leave, but after my conversion it went extreme. I was thinking about going my own way, but with college, no car and no job makes things more difficult. She is paying for my books. I tried talking to her about how I feel but she is…cold. I love her very much but it saddens me that she is treating me this way.

I know, it saddens me to hear about this, too. I will be praying for you that a) you can find a good and stable job to help you support yourself more soon and b) that your mom will come around. I have to leave…going to watch a movie with my dd…but, I will ask this one question…how recent was your conversion? If it is only within the last year, it might just take her some time. Many people who are non Catholics, for whatever the reasons, have major difficulties with the Catholic faith, often times, due to misperceptions, or just lack of knowledge, and hearsay. I think that over time, maybe you can teach your mom some things that she might not know about the faith, that she has a misperception of. But, keep praying for her. Sometimes, the hardest but best thing we can do for someone who is hurting us, is pray for THEM. I will be praying for you, though. And your mom.

I hope that things improve–God bless…

 

[bpcatholic]

I know, it saddens me to hear about this, too. I will be praying for you that a) you can find a good and stable job to help you support yourself more soon and b) that your mom will come around. I have to leave…going to watch a movie with my dd…but, I will ask this one question…how recent was your conversion? If it is only within the last year, it might just take her some time. Many people who are non Catholics, for whatever the reasons, have major difficulties with the Catholic faith, often times, due to misperceptions, or just lack of knowledge, and hearsay. I think that over time, maybe you can teach your mom some things that she might not know about the faith, that she has a misperception of. But, keep praying for her. Sometimes, the hardest but best thing we can do for someone who is hurting us, is pray for THEM. I will be praying for you, though. And your mom.

I hope that things improve–God bless…

Yes I need prayers. I also pray for her. I decided to become Catholic 2 1/2 years ago, received into the church at the Easter Vigil in 2008. I have tried to explain to her some of the basics of Catholicism and how biblical they are. She seems to become less interested in the Bible the more she finds out how it supports the Catholic position.

 

[derekohachey]

Hi BPCatholic,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation, and I will pray fo you and your Mom.

I was wondering if your Mother practices a particular Christian denomination? If so which one?

God Bless,
Derek

 

[bpcatholic]

Hi BPCatholic,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation, and I will pray fo you and your Mom.

I was wondering if your Mother practices a particular Christian denomination? If so which one?

God Bless,
Derek

First of all, welcome to Catholic Answers Forums!
My mother was raised Lutheran, however she is following the Calvary Chapel branch.

 

[LSK]

You are being given a wonderful opportunity to draw close to Jesus in your sufferings. My prayers are with you. Be strong.

 

[samcarter14]

I’m so sorry for your situation. What I’ve learned about parents and religion, through my journeys from Catholicism Lite (the way I was raised) to fundamental Christianity, to Orthodoxy, back to the Catholic Church…parents see their children’s conversions as a rejection of their upbringing. That is to say, your conversion, to her, is like you saying, “You raised me wrong.”

Now, obviously you do not MEAN that. But that is probably how it is being interpreted by her, and she may not even be aware of it at the conscious level! It is interesting that she herself left the church of her upbringing, and that may be coming into play as well.

You also said your father was raised Catholic but is no longer practicing. Do you know why he no longer practices the Catholic faith? It may be that he was pressured by your mother. She may just not like Catholicism, plain and simple.

The only thing I would suggest is, find any job you can. I know it’s hard in this economy. Look for volunteer things, so you can be out of the house and your mom won’t be irritated by you as much–sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder.

As another poster said, you are being given a chance to grow closer to Jesus in your sufferings. He himself said, nobody could come to Jesus without hating his family–this is to say that often we have to break ties with our family here on earth to be closer to our Father in Heaven. I have found this to be true.

 

[1ke]

Where is your father in all this? Have you spoken to him regarding your mother’s bizarre behavior?

 

[joandarc2008]

My dh and his mother went through very hard times - unfortunately it only got worse and very little of it was over faith but that other magic word - CONTROL. You said you are 19 and the problem is that while mothers may often be done raising their children they often don’t have another strong identity except that one as a mother. She probably sees a lot of her success or failure as a perception of how much you do what she wants you to do or be. This does not work and it is not healthy. For my dh it got to the point where it got sick enough after she was done having her own and neither child would have a consistent relationship with her she took his child and has now adopted our stepdaughter based on lies and deceipt. When she didn’t get her way about our wedding which was sacramental in the Church she tried to have it stopped. My dh warned her what would happen if she persisted - she persisted. He walked away from her completely. He speaks to his daughter who was the alter server at our wedding who was very beautiful who is now starting to rebel against her grandparents in the family tradition. Unfortuanately she is a little young for this so we just try to teach her that people can have disagreements without being disagreeable and that just because two people disagree does not make one wrong and one right. These two lessons are hard to learn at thrity much less ten. I wish you luch at 19. My dh says this - if he had it to do all over again he would have asserted his independence sooner. The family therapist we had to go see from the court even suggested him referring to her as “Mother [First name]” in order to still give her the respect of proper title but remind her that he was no longer a child. Also remember that the Cathechism states that until you have reached your independence you do have to live by her rules. So that means while you are in her house - you ma ywant to meet her halfway on more things and show her tha maturity - i.e.- even though you still need to attend mass, also go to her service with her to show open mindedness and support. Do more around the house without being asked. Job hunt, job hunt, job hunt. Praying for you that you will never suffer what my dh and my dh’s mother have. God bless,

 

[bpcatholic]

You are being given a wonderful opportunity to draw close to Jesus in your sufferings. My prayers are with you. Be strong.

I try, but I have to admit it’s not easy!

 

[bpcatholic]

I’m so sorry for your situation. What I’ve learned about parents and religion, through my journeys from Catholicism Lite (the way I was raised) to fundamental Christianity, to Orthodoxy, back to the Catholic Church…parents see their children’s conversions as a rejection of their upbringing. That is to say, your conversion, to her, is like you saying, “You raised me wrong.”

Now, obviously you do not MEAN that. But that is probably how it is being interpreted by her, and she may not even be aware of it at the conscious level! It is interesting that she herself left the church of her upbringing, and that may be coming into play as well.

You also said your father was raised Catholic but is no longer practicing. Do you know why he no longer practices the Catholic faith? It may be that he was pressured by your mother. She may just not like Catholicism, plain and simple.

The only thing I would suggest is, find any job you can. I know it’s hard in this economy. Look for volunteer things, so you can be out of the house and your mom won’t be irritated by you as much–sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder.

As another poster said, you are being given a chance to grow closer to Jesus in your sufferings. He himself said, nobody could come to Jesus without hating his family–this is to say that often we have to break ties with our family here on earth to be closer to our Father in Heaven. I have found this to be true.

Thanks! I think he stopped practicing before he met my mother. I think its’s because he disagrees with Church teaching.

The funny thing is, when I am home, she complains, when I am not, she complains.

I am slowly “breaking ties” with my family, however in the hopes of coming closer.

 

[caoindealbhan]

You mention the fact you have no car, job, or place to go. The devil wants you to feel as IF God has abandoned you to suffer with your mother’s un-Christian attitude.

But, something miraculous occurs as we start to address our needs.  We need to pray, but also to act in faith.  Go to your nearest Catholic Church(Christ said,"Who really is my mother, brothers and sisters but those that follow me).  You might find that a room to rent, a job to pay for it, and an old used car is within reach.  What does it take to get them?  A walk in faith that "God will provide".

 The other great challenge is to never forget your mother's pain.  We often hurt others when we ourselves are in great anguish.  Pray that SHE finds peace and peace will come to you.

  Don't let your age hold you back.  You sound mature enough for this journey to me. :)

 

[bpcatholic]

Where is your father in all this? Have you spoken to him regarding your mother’s bizarre behavior?

He is usually somewhere else in the house. He tends to listen to my mother more though because she is louder.

 

[Eucharisted]

Pray, hope, and don’t worry. Anxiety is useless.

Smile, even when you don’t want to, becuase a smile is the beginning of peace.

Forgiveness is the glory of mercy. Mercy is the fruit of love. Love is the sign of a Catholic Christian.

 

[bpcatholic]

My dh and his mother went through very hard times - unfortunately it only got worse and very little of it was over faith but that other magic word - CONTROL. You said you are 19 and the problem is that while mothers may often be done raising their children they often don’t have another strong identity except that one as a mother. She probably sees a lot of her success or failure as a perception of how much you do what she wants you to do or be. This does not work and it is not healthy. For my dh it got to the point where it got sick enough after she was done having her own and neither child would have a consistent relationship with her she took his child and has now adopted our stepdaughter based on lies and deceipt. When she didn’t get her way about our wedding which was sacramental in the Church she tried to have it stopped. My dh warned her what would happen if she persisted - she persisted. He walked away from her completely. He speaks to his daughter who was the alter server at our wedding who was very beautiful who is now starting to rebel against her grandparents in the family tradition. Unfortuanately she is a little young for this so we just try to teach her that people can have disagreements without being disagreeable and that just because two people disagree does not make one wrong and one right. These two lessons are hard to learn at thrity much less ten. I wish you luch at 19. My dh says this - if he had it to do all over again he would have asserted his independence sooner. The family therapist we had to go see from the court even suggested him referring to her as “Mother [First name]” in order to still give her the respect of proper title but remind her that he was no longer a child. Also remember that the Cathechism states that until you have reached your independence you do have to live by her rules. So that means while you are in her house - you ma ywant to meet her halfway on more things and show her tha maturity - i.e.- even though you still need to attend mass, also go to her service with her to show open mindedness and support. Do more around the house without being asked. Job hunt, job hunt, job hunt. Praying for you that you will never suffer what my dh and my dh’s mother have. God bless,

I hope it doesn’t go that far. As for my mother’s church, it used to be my church. I don’t go because I either feel looked down upon, or people are trying to convince me to come back. Thanks for the advice!

 

[bpcatholic]

You mention the fact you have no car, job, or place to go. The devil wants you to feel as IF God has abandoned you to suffer with your mother’s un-Christian attitude.

But, something miraculous occurs as we start to address our needs.  We need to pray, but also to act in faith.  Go to your nearest Catholic Church(Christ said,"Who really is my mother, brothers and sisters but those that follow me).  You might find that a room to rent, a job to pay for it, and an old used car is within reach.  What does it take to get them?  A walk in faith that "God will provide".

 The other great challenge is to never forget your mother's pain.  We often hurt others when we ourselves are in great anguish.  Pray that SHE finds peace and peace will come to you.

  Don't let your age hold you back.  You sound mature enough for this journey to me. :)

Thanks!

 

[bpcatholic]

Pray, hope, and don’t worry. Anxiety is useless.

Smile, even when you don’t want to, becuase a smile is the beginning of peace.

Forgiveness is the glory of mercy. Mercy is the fruit of love. Love is the sign of a Catholic Christian.

Thanks!

 

[bpcatholic]

Well…I cleaned the house and my entire family is complaining!