Trouble with girlfriend's parents

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hamburglar

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I have been dating a girl for a little over 3 months now. I am 19, she is 20. Things are great, we care about each other, but there is one problem: her parents don’t like me.

It’s really her mom in particular. I’m working on things her mom doesn’t like about me. My girlfriend doesn’t like being home because her parents berate her about me.

For me, dating is a path to marriage. I date someone to find out if God is calling me to Holy Matrimony with this person as my vocation. My girlfriend told me that she can’t marry someone her parents don’t like.

Some of the stress is caused because I am still discerning a possible vocation to the Priesthood. I have assured my girlfriend, as well as her parents, that she is not some discernment tool of mine for the Priesthood.

Her mom is beginning to get into my girlfriend’s head a bit now. My girlfriend said that she feels almost like she’s looking for a reason why we shouldn’t date. She says no one seems happy about our relationship except us.

I haven’t seen her in a week, so we have to talk on the phone. I hate talking on the phone, and I am really bad at it. She asked “why I am dating her” and I don’t think I did so hot answering that question.

What should I do?
 
You’re discerning a possible vocation to the priesthood, and at the same time discerning your girlfriend as a possible wife?

Is it likely that one issue might cloud your judgment about the other?

Perhaps you should stop dating for now, till you’ve fully discerned whether you have a priestly vocation. If your conclusion is that you’re not being called to the priesthood, then speak to your girlfriend about dating again.

From your description, she may have issues of her own to work out. A cessation of dating may provide the opportunity she needs to do that.

May the peace of Christ fill your heart and your life: and may the Holy Spirit guide you to His will for you.:gopray:
 
Mmm…it could be that her parents feel uncomfortable about the conditional nature of your relationship and that their daughter could be hurt if you do make the decision to become a priest. It could seem a bit insulting to them that their daughter isn’t a completely wholehearted choice? They may feel there’s a lack of stability here?

Your girlfriend’s question, “Why are you dating me?” is a valid one. You say you’ve difficulty in answering that. Her reservations aren’t unjustified. Why are you dating her? She can’t feel sure that you love her genuinely if you can’t tell her that’s why. Or if you can’t say something like, because I really like you, and you have the qualities I would cherish for my wife.

I don’t know if my questions help you to clarify questions in your mind, but I mean them to if that’s what’s needed.

In your situation I’d want to know why her parents don’t like you. Is it because you’re in two minds? Is it something else?
Your girlfriend isn’t unreasonable in fearing to marry someone her parents dont like/don’t trust for their daughter, as there are years ahead of relationship strife if you were to marry without knowing and healing the perceived causes for conflict.

I do hope things work out for the best for you all. I’ll keep you all in my prayers.

God bless you…Trishie 🙂
 
How fair is it to your girlfriend to be dating someone who might become a priest?

If she feels as you do, that dating is to discern marriage, she could be deciding you are THE ONE, and then, BAM. You head in the other direction leaving her high and dry.

Sorry, but as the mother of two daughters, I wouldn’t be thrilled with that scenario, either.

I think you need to deal with the two processes seperately.
Decide if you want to be a priest or get married.
Once that decision is out of the way, if you decide that your vocation is marriage, THEN start searching for who that person will be.
 
hamburglar said:
My girlfriend told me that she can’t marry someone her parents don’t like.
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I agree the whole priesthood thing may be wierding her family out. But the above quote really gives me pause… she doesn’t sound mature enough to be dating and discerning marriage. My husband is the right man for me even if my parents hated him. Thankfully, they don’t. But my DH’s mom really disliked me and was very active for a while trying to get between us. My DH knew that I was the woman he wanted to marry, though, and made it clear to her that I was around to stay, whether she liked it or not. In short, he acted like a grownup making his own life-decisions and setting out for his parents where the boundaries were. If she is not able to do that, she is not yet marriage material. May not even be dating material if she lets her parents control her destiny to that extent.
 
basilisk said:
I agree the whole priesthood thing may be wierding her family out. But the above quote really gives me pause… she doesn’t sound mature enough to be dating and discerning marriage. My husband is the right man for me even if my parents hated him. Thankfully, they don’t. But my DH’s mom really disliked me and was very active for a while trying to get between us. My DH knew that I was the woman he wanted to marry, though, and made it clear to her that I was around to stay, whether she liked it or not. In short, he acted like a grownup making his own life-decisions and setting out for his parents where the boundaries were. If she is not able to do that, she is not yet marriage material. May not even be dating material if she lets her parents control her destiny to that extent.
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I don’t think it’s so unreasonable for her to feel that way. I wouldn’t want to marry someone my parents don’t like. However, that doesn’t mean you don’t do everything you can to change their hearts about someone if you’ve found the person you think is right. In my situation, my parents are the only family I have. We’re very set apart from our extended family, and I don’t feel I’d have anyone else to turn to if something happened, so I wouldn’t want to push them away by marrying someone against their wishes. Plus, I respect my parents and their feelings, as well as their judgement. If even after months and months or years of dating someone and they still don’t like him for reasons that they can put into words, I would have to look at those reasons and question whether or not they’re relevant to the success of a marriage. I also have the security to know that if they don’t like him for a reason that they can’t justify or put into words, they’ll swallow that feeling and let me make my own decisions, as any parents of today should.
 
She’s only 20?

That’s really not that old.

Many of us are coming to this board with twice that experience and what we’d do if our parents didn’t like someone. But when you are 20, and your parents don’t like someone, maybe they have a reason. And the daughter is right to trust them.

I have a 16 year old daughter and I don’t like her boyfriend. I’d hate to think the advice she’d get here about that and her decision that he is Mr. Wonderful and she wants to marry him someday.

I see things in him that she is too besotted to see. I’m not looking at him with LoveIsBlind eyes. I’m seeing a sneaky, irresponsible disrespectful boy who doesn’t treat her with the respect she deserves.

Someday he’ll be a sneaky irresponsible man who won’t treat her with the respect she deserves.

So cut parents some slack.

In this particular instance, I’ve seen too often what happens when someone isn’t sure about the priesthood and they try to have their cake and eat it too.

Choose one. Discern. Then try the other. Can’t do both at once.

Would you date two women at once and string both along and try to figure out which one you liked? Would you respect a man who did that to your sister? If not, then understand why her parents don’t like you or what they see about you.

Their primary goal in life isn’t your vocation, it’s preventing their daughter from getting her heart broken.

Good luck on your discernment. We need good, holy priests. Not priests who think 5 years into their vocation that they should have been married. And a wife needs a husband who doesn’t decide when the diaper pail is full that he really should have been a priest.
 
I think you need to take some time away from her. Pray, spend time with God and then choose what it is you want. You can’t make her think she has a future with you and then change your mind. That is unkind. I’m willing to bet it’s not that her parents don’t like you, but that’s their baby and they don’t want to see her heart broken.
 
I think you two need to take a break.

If you’re discerning the priesthood, you’re not even sure what your vocation is and until you are, I don’t think a relationship to discern if you two should get married is wise. I think you should discern one thing at a time. First off, discern your vocation. And, then, if you discern it is marriage, THEN you date to see if that person is the wife for you.

The note about your gf not wanting to marry someone her parents don’t approve of also gave me pause. Some people have awesome parents with great judgment…but not everyone does. When I chose to marry my husband there were things about him my parents didn’t like…but my parents have some big problems themselves and I knew to only give credit to the reasonable objections.

Good luck!

KG
 
A mother said to her daughter about her boyfriend “I have a feeling that he might think about priesthood someday. If you date him, you have to deal with this if it happens”.

Guess what? The guy will be ordained this summer. 🙂 of course, more than 7 years ago, the couple had to go break-up.

Many times, mothers know things better than us children.
 
First, I think I phrased it poorly by saying she can’t marry someone her parents don’t like. I think she instead said that it would be hard to marry someone her parents don’t like.

About discerning the priesthood and dating at the same time: I had been told this is okay by many people, including vocation directors, priests, teachers, friends. I can see why it might not be a good idea to date someone while discerning, but why do the opinions differ so much. Also, it has even been suggested to me by some people that I SHOULD date just to make sure that you are called to the Priesthood.
 
If I were the parent of a daughter, I’d not be thrilled that she is being told “now, realize, that I’m trying to figure things out. Your competetion in this relationship is God” 🤷

And, she is a wise woman if her desire is to marry a man her parents approve of, if she has godly parents. Let her go find a guy who will not put her in such an akward position.
 
I can see why it might not be a good idea to date someone while discerning, but why do the opinions differ so much. Also, it has even been suggested to me by some people that I SHOULD date just to make sure that you are called to the Priesthood.
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I guess it depends who you are asking. Are you asking parents of daughters who might be thinking about their own daughters in the position of discerning marriage with someone and then having their heart broken?
 
So why dont her parent like you other than your thinking of joining the priesthood???
 
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