Trouble with lust and sexuality

  • Thread starter Thread starter chaz0426
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
C

chaz0426

Guest
I’m venting so this will a little long since I type a lot to vent. I appreciate help or insight on this matter. If you are in the same boat please share.

I’m sure there have been posts similar to this but I’m having trouble being sexually chaste until marriage especially given today’s society where sex and beautiful women are literally everywhere you turn. I mean to talk about this seriously as it is serious and grave according to the church.

Masturbation ( I will refer to as M ) has been a habit naturally acquired since around 12 and I didn’t even know the term until I was 15. I didn’t know it was a sin in the church until I was around 18. I didn’t know it was a mortal in until recently after reading many of the posts on here. For years I thought as so many sex ed teachers and psychologists have said that it is completely natural, healthy, and releases tension built up from high hormonal levels.
Upon even hearing that it was a sin I tried to stop but that is hard given the number of years. I’d have to say it is just as hard if not harder than quitting smoking. It’s literally like an extreme itch that won’t go away until you scratch it. It gets worse the longer too. I have been able to go 6 weeks remaining chaste until some blunder such as hearing it’s venial or some temptation pulls me back into it.

Even small things like news reporters on TV will set me off who wear extremely short and revealing clothing. Sexuality is literally everywhere you turn. Most of my peers even some Catholic friends have been like “ohh it’s common, everyone does it thats why it’s not talked about often, it must be a venial sin”

About 2 months ago when I went to confession and talked to a priest, even he said that most theologians would argue that it is a venial sin. I was surprised a little. I did research and I found about half support of it being mortal and half for it being venial. After no clear answer I turned to the CCC where it says “grave sin”.

That really flopped my heart upside down since it seems I will never shake the habit after years of trying until I’m married and won’t need it anymore.

I know there’s lots of you on here that are chaste and I commend you but a lot of you were also born and raised into being chaste while I wasn’t. It’s much harder to be chaste after years of exploring your sexuality and years of habit you had thought was natural. I was taught by my parents and various catholic sexuality books given to me from my parents when turning 13 about the importance of waiting till marriage avoiding pornography, hormones and attraction are natural ect. Nothing about M. Not a word about it. I didn’t know it had a term until sex ed in High School, seriously. Years of CCD, nothing said. Not even pre or post confirmation. I had to seek it out.

Protestants even tend to ignore it with the “it’s natural” mentality. Or since its not in the bible, while it is sinful it’s not mortal. I’m still confused as for so long I heartfully never thought it was gravely wrong. I felt a little guilt and figured it was right being a sin but on the same level as murder!! ? I was in disbelief and that was (and sometimes stil is) probably my biggest and only rift in my faith and as a catholic.

Pornography has been an issue but much less than M. I wouldn’t say it’s an addiction. It comes in waves like some pop up or I’ll stumble into some site accidentally when searching and almost literally like a magnet just be drawn into it out of curiosity and obviously hormones on fire (lust). Then I’ll be like “what did I just do?” it’s like I don’t have control or the will power. I’d say Satan definitely has an advantage here. Usually it’s a one time thing or a few days then I don’t see it for 6 months and I’m able to confess it and not fall into it for a while.

Mostly it’s voyeurism and soft core that will tempt me more because of ads (even things on news sites) that just pull me in since i was under the impression it’s venial and sometimes I have even said “no got to ignore it” and then something else comes up and more and more and I can’t take it anymore.

I still confess when I can and try resisting it’s tough knowing it’s mortal and you seemed trapped. It’s almost impulse. I have ADD and have been told naturally people with ADD/ADHD have poor impulse control. But still It’s hard not being in control and feeling guilty all the time.

I’ve tried things like site blockers which never work and cold turkey and it seems the only way out is cold turkey but its like climbing out of a 10 mile deep hole that gets deeper.

I don’t plan to marry for at least another 4 to 5 years as I am single and still in college so it’s tough. Being married sure would seem to make it easier. I long for that union shared in marriage but its tough when your 20 in today’s world. Especially when all of your friends are saying that its fine and natural and they are having happy sex left and right. Catholicism is tough to live by sometimes… I just pray and do my best.

I know this has been long but I’m venting and If there are other 20 year old guys, teens, or single catholics with a high sex drive out there who are in the same boat please share, I hate feeling like I’m destined to hell for bad habits.
 
Yes, M is a grave disorder; however, as you read in the CCC, there are many factors that may reduce one’s culpability including force of habit. I would also say that marriage may temporarily relieve the stress you feel now, but after the honeymoon is over…and it will end…you may find yourself struggling with this again.

It’s a habit you’ve had since you were twelve…it’s going to take awhile to break the habit. Part of your conversion of will might include picking up John Paul II’s Theology of the Body or at the very least the discussion of it by Christopher West.

Also, it’s easy to count the defeats when you fall…but how often do you count the victories when you were tempted and resisted the urge? You may find you’re winning more battles than you’re losing.
 
Masturbation is a grave matter, but that doesn’t mean it’s always a mortal sin. Re-read the entry in the Catechism:
Catechism:
2352 By masturbation is to be understood the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. “Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of a constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action.” “The deliberate use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose.” For here sexual pleasure is sought outside of “the sexual relationship which is demanded by the moral order and in which the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love is achieved.”

To form an equitable judgment about the subjects’ moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety or other psychological or social factors that lessen, if not even reduce to a minimum, moral culpability.
Click to expand...
(Emphasis added)

In your case, it sounds a lot like you stumbled into this situation mostly or entirely by accident and now that you’re in it it’s extremely difficult to get out. So, let’s go back to the list of things necessary for something to be a mortal sin:
  1. Must be a grave matter. (Yep)
  2. You must have full knowledge (you didn’t before, so it wasn’t sinful then, but you do now. Note that just because it wasn’t sinful doesn’t mean it wasn’t harmful. That harm is what’s making it difficult to stop).
  3. You must give full consent (because of the force of habit, and six years constitutes a pretty strong habit, your age [puberty is especially hard for this sort of thing], and the fact that society is against you, you can’t really be said to be consenting fully).
So, as long as you’re trying hard to stop (and it sounds like you are, even if you fail frequently), it isn’t mortally sinful and you’re not going to hell. Obviously, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try as hard as possible to avoid doing it, but you shouldn’t work yourself into a nervous wreck about it either (that’s just what the Devil wants you to do. Guilt is good when it deters, but can quickly grow out of control). If you fail, just apologize to God and try harder next time, or at least try to try harder.
 
I know EXACTLY how you feel, chaz0426. I’m 19 and in college. Here’s my story:

I acquired the habit when I was 13, not knowing what I was doing. When I was 15 I started to pray the rosary every night for a reason I could not explain. Over the years, I gradually started to feel more and more uneasy about masturbation. It came to a point when I was deliberately not finding out whether it was a sin or not. I realized I was addicted when I could no longer focus on my homework without it. I started viewing pornography. I was slipping further into sin in other areas of my life (although I didn’t see it at the time).

When I was 18, I had a month of deep spiritual reform. That whole month was weird; I wasn’t at peace and couldn’t focus on anything. It was during that month that I realized I couldn’t ignore it any longer; I researched masturbation and found out for sure what I already knew in my heart. I quit that night and haven’t looked back since. The first six weeks or so were absolute hell, but after that it started becoming much easier. (Incidentally, that was the same month I had to deal with finding out that one of my non-Catholic friends was actively gay).

It was shortly after that when I realized why I had been praying the rosary all that time and who it was that helped me quit so easily.

I still face temptations everywhere I look (college campus), but I have learned to control myself in a way that I never had been able to before. Since that month, I have grown ever deeper in my faith; deeper than I ever imagined I could.

I have heard people say that it is easier to quit smoking than quit masturbating. I can’t say whether it’s true or not, but I deem them equal.
 
Chaz, congratulations on fighting it, and keep up the good work.

Go to confession as often as you can; definitely, every time you fall. The Sacrament gives us graces to battle these recurring sins. I promise you will do it less and less often - if only because you will say to yourself, “Dang it, I won’t do it! I don’t want to confess this again!”

I’m just an old lady who joined the Church two years ago - but I used to be a kid with a high sex drive so I can sympathize. Unlike you, I never knew how deeply I was sinning until I wasn’t any more, thanks to a happy marriage.

Here’s a word of advice: procrastinate with prayer. When the temptation is strong, say, “sure - after I’ve prayed the Rosary.” (Or the Universal Prayer, or the St. Francis prayer, or any other one that takes a while to say.) Concentrate on the prayer, and guess what? 😃

And yes, pray the Rosary every day! Our Mother is always holding out her hands to help us sinners.

Ruthie
 
well chaz dude you say you won’t need M when you get married.if i am any indication it will bite you again. like you i was a chronic mr. i can back to the fold and for 2yrs it never bothered me.then isssues in life came up high stress,and the little things you mentioned in your post,words of some one,sights etc. and i fell back into the "habit"i continue to fight this as well.in conversation with my priest he suggested that in my case it may be better for me relieve myself so i don’t fall even further into sins of the flest eg prn.if you knew how many times i have threatened to chop that part off myself you would wonder why i haven’t yet.i am inclined to think that this is an issue that should be delt with one on one with your confessor/priest.instead of here on this open forum.i used to feel having a high libido was a curse but now i think it may be more blessing then curse,in that it may mean one has a higher drive for life,you take care.
 
I was in the exact same state you are in, a few weeks ago. And I asked people for advice (on this forum) and they gave me some really good piece of advice.

I used to masturbate almost once in every 2/3 days on an average and watch porn once every 10 to 15 days.

Make no mistake, I had made a lot of efforts before to get out of this - memorizing Bible verses, will power approach, psychology…

But I realized that they were inadequate. I realized I needed help and couldn’t do it on my own. I realized I needed grace. And where do you go to receive grace? To mass! I did my confession and started going for daily mass and began receiving grace through the Eucharist.

The results were good. I used to fall once in every 2 or 3 days, but this time I fell after more than 4 days. I immediately went for confession. That was the first week. This is the second week now (it’s been 7 days) and I’ve not fallen yet! Thanks be to God.

Indeed, Jesus’ grace is all we need. Go to daily mass and receive the Eucharist (not in the state of mortal sin, mind you. Do confession first.)

“but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Cor 12:9)
 
chaz0426 said:
…Masturbation ( I will refer to as M ) has been a habit naturally acquired since around 12 and I didn’t even know the term until I was 15. I didn’t know it was a sin in the church until I was around 18. I didn’t know it was a mortal sin … For years I thought … it is completely natural, healthy, and releases tension built up from high hormonal levels…
Upon even hearing that it was a sin I tried to stop but that is hard given the number of years… It’s literally like an extreme itch that won’t go away until you scratch it. It gets worse the longer too. I have been able to go 6 weeks remaining chaste until some blunder such as hearing it’s venial or some temptation pulls me back into it…
Click to expand...
Chaz, I edited your OP. As it reads above… well, let me just say that I know exactly how you feel.

My first mistake was trying to think that I could stop. Then I realized that none of us can do anything without the Lord’s help, so I started asking Him for strength.

That helped somewhat, but I still fell occasionally… So I brought out the “heavy artillery” – I turned to the Blessed Mother, and asked her to ask Jesus for help. I prayed every single day, and before I knew it…

It worked beautfully! Problem solved. Beast conquered. Case closed. Amen!

Ask our Blessed Mother every day to obtain from Jesus for you the gift of purity. She won’t let you down because all she wants is to lead us to her Son. You’ll see. You’ll receive the strength and help you need, and before long you will see the difference in your life.
 
iaskquestions said:
I was in the exact same state you are in, a few weeks ago. And I asked people for advice (on this forum) and they gave me some really good piece of advice.

I used to masturbate almost once in every 2/3 days on an average and watch porn once every 10 to 15 days.

Make no mistake, I had made a lot of efforts before to get out of this - memorizing Bible verses, will power approach, psychology…

But I realized that they were inadequate. I realized I needed help and couldn’t do it on my own. I realized I needed grace. And where do you go to receive grace? To mass! I did my confession and started going for daily mass and began receiving grace through the Eucharist.

The results were good. I used to fall once in every 2 or 3 days, but this time I fell after more than 4 days. I immediately went for confession. That was the first week. This is the second week now (it’s been 7 days) and I’ve not fallen yet! Thanks be to God.

Indeed, Jesus’ grace is all we need. Go to daily mass and receive the Eucharist (not in the state of mortal sin, mind you. Do confession first.)

“but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Cor 12:9)
Click to expand...
Yea, congrats on going 7 days. Beware though I have gone as long as 6 weeks before. It does sorta get easier once you hit about a month. Also it was around the start of college so the living situation helped in that it lessened your privacy available because of roommates and such.

Around week 3 is the hardest. However I fell back into it after concluding it was a venial sin (mostly in part because a priest told me that at confession) and finding myself in tempting situation shortly after (computer pop up or some accidental search doing homework ect.). You may think your safe but it can always come back and take you back under so stay on guard.

The best method is to slowly work out of it like your doing. I take it one week at a time and start over if I fall back into it.

I also don’t have the time to go to daily mass since I am very busy and the church is a good 15 to 20 minutes away.
 
chaz0426 said:
However I fell back into it after concluding it was a venial sin (mostly in part because a priest told me that at confession)
Click to expand...
Forget venial sin, a priest once told me that it is not a sin at all! :eek: I didn’t ever go to him again! 🙂 I know it’s a mortal sin.
 
I can never get this message out too often:

I committed this sin many times, and I was addicted for years.

My solution? I read 2 books. Which 2 books? Arms of Love, and Surrender, both by Carmen Marcoux.

The sin stopped. It died. It was completely subdued. Read these books, you can’t put them down! Mrs. Marcoux is a great Catholic author and activist! She desires purity in the world.

courtshipnow.com/
 
www.settingcaptivesfree.com

The Way of Purity Course on that website helped me a lot. I have gone free from sexual immorality for almost 5 months now, and before that I was one who would commit the sin, go to confession, and be doing the same sin again within a few days.

Also a personal tip of mine, I have read that excercise reduces sexual urges. If you have that temptation, try doing some jumping jacks or push-ups until you are breathing heavily, then go back to what you are doing. That didn’t work real well for me when I was struggling more heavily with the sin, but now that I have distanced myself from it, that method helps to fight off temptation for me.

Referring to it as M brings up a funny memory for me. My high school theology teacher referred to masturbation as the “Big M.” The reasoning behind that he told us if we were making a list for when we go to confession, just write a big M on a piece of paper instead of the whole word. That way if you accidentally leave the paper in your pocket and your mom finds it when she’s doing that wash, she won’t have a heart attack.
 
i had this problem in the past.even if we are addicted, our freedom is never destroyed,and we can always be free, but it is not something that your going to do by you own strength.in my case, what helped me to be free from this habit was first listening to the word god over and over, and as you are doing, admitting that you can not do it on your own and finally surrender to god. as i was coming close to Christ, at times i felt jesus was telling me,when i was getting the urges, to pray, and i know if i had prayed at these moments i would have been set free much sooner, but there is this struggle between the the flesh and the spirit, as st. paul talks about,so i tell you don’t give up, continue to go to mass and adoration and pray the rosary, as our lord said in john8:32 if we sin, we are enslaved to sin and the truth will set us free.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top