Trouble with my mother

[alice24]

Hello,

I had a conflict with my mother a few days ago and don´t know how to deal with it. I was given very good advice on this forum in the past so I hope to find some new ideas and thoughts about this issue.

The basic information: I have a really close and good relationship with my mother, especially since I moved out from home 4 years ago. There were diverse reasons, one was that I felt left alone because my mother didn´t stayed loyal on my side during a conlict with my uncle. My mother had a depression in this time, and my uncle visited her to “care for her”- but he doesn´t. He drank too much and is a very egoistic, rude person, so I want him to go away from our house. He tried to beat me and my mother said nothing. I know she was ill at the time and I was in an age where I wasn´t easy to handle ( I moved out with 17), but this offended me so much that I moved out from home, had no ontact with my mother for a few months and never wanted to see my uncle ever again.
After my mum got healthy and we both learned from this time, we had a good relationship again. Not necessary to say I love her very much. But there were a few situations where my uncle provoked stress in the family, treat some people really bad, and after the last conflict where he talked very bad about my mum and me in a way I will not explain here in details, My mum promised me to cut the contact to him completely.
For me this should be a matter of course, loyalty to the people I love is something very, very important.
But my mum broke her promise- once, twice…with the reasoning she thought he changed. But he nerver apologized for all the trouble and spoken words. So my mum regreted she talked to him again and promised me again to don´t talk to him again until he will apologize.
Now a few days ago she called me and informed me she called my uncle again “because maybe it is a help for him”. I was so sad, and she said this in a so emotional and aggressive way that I think she know this wasn´t the best way to act, but now I don´t know what to do. I can´t tolerate this anymore, but I always worry about my mum when I cut our contact completely.

Maybe someone have a good idea to handle this, maybe someone wants to pray for our family, I would be very thankfur anyway.

Alice

 

[1ke]

I think you should stop trying to get promises out of your mother. It is often difficult to forgive people, but your mother seems to want to forgive her brother and try to have a relationship with him.

You can have relationship with your mother whether she has a relationship with her brother or not. It is fine if you do not want to be around him, but you cannot control your mother. She may not be ready to cut contact with him in hopes of helping him. That may not be realistic, but it is her decision to make-- not yours.

 

[KrazyKat]

Because your mother loves your uncle does not mean she loves you any less. He sounds like a troubled man, which I assume all of your family members are aware of. Most families have a member of his ilk.

Cutting ties with your mother because she chooses to associate with him is not right, in my opinion . Build your relationship on the good that you have with her.

God bless, I will pray for you.

 

[Allegra]

Now that you are grown and out of the house, your mother is no longer obligated to keep your uncle away from you as she should have done when you were young. If she wants to forgive him, you should not attempt to get in the way of that. However, you are completely within your right to refuse contact with your uncle and explain to your mother that you will not be around her when he is present.

 

[alice24]

Thank you very much for your kind responses.

To anser the last question:

The reason why it is so difficult for me to accept that my mother has contact to my uncle is

1. that I have a problem to trust her anymore. She made her promises from her own, she broke it too often
2. that my uncle said very rude things about my mum, too, and this whole family situation makes she sick. I am the person she calls when she is depressed after
3. that I simply can´t understand why she doesn´t tells him to apologize in any way, if for example someone would hurt my husband emotionally I wouldn´t like to contact this person until there is a simple “sorry”.

So it hurts me for an “egoistic reason”, yes- but also because it makes me sick to see her being involved in this ill family structures anymore. I always fear she will have an depression again ore something like that. I know I am very strict in my view of the situation, maybe this is a result of my experience with this family. …

 

[marlap2]

You have my prayers!
I do not usually give advice. I much rather would pray. However, something in what you said suggested to me that there might be a pattern of alcohol abuse here. Having come from a family with substance abuse I can possibily suggest you find an Al-Anon chapter locally? They might be supportive and help you and your mom find out positive ways to help your uncle. If you look at this however, as a way of forcing issues, it may not work at all. Change always begins with your own heart, as difficult as that may be. No one likes to see abusive situations, that’s for sure! Keep yourself safe, pray hard hard hard, and try to ask God to help you be a vessel of peace, forgiveness and change. I know that miracles happen. I have seen them!
Try praying this prayer as often as you can when entering a stressful situation with familiy.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen

Bless you, sweet one.

 

[EasterJoy]

Of course I’d say it would be understandable if your mom would just cut all contact off with this uncle (her brother, I assume?), but I also understand that she may not feel good about doing that. Especially if they came from a toxic home, she may have grown up with the resolve to protect him from harm…and that even happens between younger sisters with more sense and older brothers who are always putting themselves in harm’s way.

I think I might try this: Mom, why don’t we see a counselor together about Uncle Fenster. The counselor will help you to decide when something might actually help him, instead of just having you taken advantage of or put into danger again. Then when you have some situation where you want to reach out to him, again, you and I can go see the counselor to see if the plan is realistic. IOW, recognize that a) you aren’t going to talk her out of hoping that she can have a part in his reclamation and b) use that to get her to recognize that she’s in over her head if she tries to do so without the guidance of a professional who has the lessons of many that have gone before her–both the successful and the unsuccessful!–as a guide. The therapist can also help explain to your mom what situations will require you to put a distance in–that is, when your mom is the one making bad decisions that no one ought to have to stand around and watch as if the toxic path wasn’t being chosen.

Do find a counselor who is used to dealing with the families of drug and alcohol abusers. This may help you and your mom to recognize what it will look like when your uncle really is read to amend his life and make amends with you, and what that process will look like (because regaining trust is a process, not a one-time “I’m sorry” deal). This will make it easier for her to draw her boundaries, because I think right now she’s afraid of being too strict with her boundaries in a way that is going to be bad for him. It might give her more peace of mind to realize that drawing firm boundaries that he doesn’t like can be the best thing in the world not just for her, but for him, too. When firm is “tough love” instead of “hard heartedness”, she might find more resolve to stand by the boundaries that are best for everyone.

If she is Catholic, also point out that failing to learn proper boundaries could be providing this uncle with a near occasion of sin. What he does is his choice, but she does have a duty out of love of neighbor to learn how to make doing the right thing as likely a choice as possible for him. She is not responsible for what he does with that, but she is responsible to be far more of a temptation than she could have chosen to be. If you have her put herself in the place of her brother after his repentance, looking back on his life at what moved him in the right direction and what encouraged him to stay in the same pit of anger and sin, asking what things she did that made his journey to life quicker or take longer, that might help as a guide.

She might also read Melody Beattie’s “Co-Dependent No More” (there is both and old edition and a new version). Point out to her that the author is both a recovering addict herself and a recovering co-dependent. She knows all these little dramas from both sides, and writes about it very well. Most libraries will have her book.