Troubled Marriage

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aLoneRanger

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I’m not really sure where to start, but I do need some advice. My wife and I have been married for 14 mos and have a year old son. I made some mistakes along the way, learned quite a bit from them and moved forward. My wife is not a Catholic and I am not the Catholic that I would like to be, but I’m struggling toward that direction most of the time.

My wife and I have not had sex since we found out that we were pregnant. we’ve come close a couple of times, but nothing happens. Initially I was okay with giving her time. After the wedding, we were very pregnant, and soon after had a wonderful boy, John Paul, aka Jack. I love that kid, and I love my wife. But I feel like I’m dying.

The pregnancy was difficult for many more reasons than it would have been if we’d waited till marriage. There were health problems, Gestational diabetes and PPD. At one point during the labor, I thought that I was going to lose both my wife and child. Its a similar feeling to what I feel most days now where I feel like I’m losing my marriage and my soul. eventually things got better, but she decided to take the pill. Its a decision based in fear. She doesn’t want to have any more children, understandably, because she is afraid of what may happen to her health. Honestly it scares me to death too… but I still want more children.

Lately there have been more and more walls being put up. I feel like a room mate. Physical contact is being taken almost completely off the table, and I feel like I am drowning. This is the reason for all our fights. I try and keep my cool, but I feel consistently and constantly rejected by the woman that I love. I am frustrated that she won’t see a doctor, won’t consider or even look into NFP, rules out children outright, even for the most part adoption now…

When we’ve talked about it, we’ve gained no ground. Recently she told me that she loves Jack and I but hates being a mother. She has been incredibly wounded by these last couple of years, and I have as well, though in a very different way.

I know that this is just a message board, and I know that there is no quick fix, but I could use some advice… Just about any advice at this point.

Thanks in advance.
 
I’m very sorry to hear about your situation… 14 months of marriage and no renewing of the marriage covenant. From reading your post is sounds like you haven’t had sex since you were married is that correct? so the marriage hasn’t been consummated?

Sadly it sounds like your wife may not have been ready to be a mother yet or possibly even a wife. I’m taking it you got married because she got pregnant?

I would definitely suggest you guys looking into some couples counseling and possibly some parenting classes ASAP if you want to stay married (I’m not sure if you haven’t consummated the marriage that you truly are married yet though but I’ll let someone else field that one.)

It’s great that you are trying to learn more about your faith and become a better Christian, it will take time though just keep working at it. If you have a parish you are attending, talk with your Priest about what is going on and get his advice.

You guys need to be together though physically, emotionally and spiritually. That is what the martial embrace is all about. I definitely understand your wifes concern and yours because of her health. We didn’t plan on more than 3 because my wife has SVTs which really only seem to happen when she is pregnant due to the extra blood volume, we got pregnant again and now have another wonder little boy but she had 2 or 3 serious SVT episodes where her heart was above 200 bpm, one of which lasted almsot 3 hours because the Drs couldn’t get it to slow down (they correct the rythrm by basically stopping the heart for a sec, not something you want done to your spouse especially when she is pregnant).

Your wife isn’t Catholic and is scared. She went from dating this guy (you) to being married and a mom in pretty short order all because you guys had sex and she got pregnant… right? Those are major life changing events, add the illnesses to that and you can see why she is a little afraid to have more sex… especially w/o contraception.

So… again I would suggest some counseling, and possibly a marriage encounter (there are some great ones I’m told). Also, while you can not condone her use of the pill and must discourage it’s use you are not barred from intementacy with your spouse while she is taking it. In time you can work towards her learning NFP etc… but right now I believe you guys need to 1) Start having sex - it will help heal though emotional bonds 2) attend some couples counseling to get some of these issues out on the table so you can deal with them together. For what it’s worth I believe those 2 things are key to getting through this and having a successful marraige.

And if you won’t do it for yourselves right now (the 2 of you, you and your wife), do it for John Paul (great name BTW). That little man deserves parents who will at least try to figure this out.

You guys are in my prayers!

Joe
 
Dear Alone Ranger,

God bless you. It’s sounds like an incredibly stressful and painful situation.

Here’s the way I see it: The fact that your wife is telling that she never wants to have any more children, while no doubt discouraging and disappointing, isn’t the end of the world. “Never” is a long time, and we women have been known to change our minds. Right now she’s struggling with being a new mom and a new wife, and those changes are enough to make anyone want to run away from accepting more responsibility. Continue to pray and talk about it, but don’t press her on it anymore right now.

Has she told you why she doesn’t want to be intimate any more? If she’s refusing sex because she doesn’t want to get pregnant, then why is she on the Pill? It seems like her being on the Pill indicates that she anticipates sex sometime in the near future. Otherwise, I’m confused. What if you sat down with her this weekend and in a very loving and gentle manner, explained that you feel hurt and rejected when she doesn’t seem to want to have sex with you. What would she react? I mean, she married you, presumably she loves you and doesn’t want to see you suffer.

I also find it concerting that she doesn’t want to even discuss some of your concerns with you, like that she refuses to go to a doctor, learn about NFP, and that she’s “putting up walls.” You might benefit most from marital counseling or a retrouvaille retreat, which is designed to teach communication skills and help troubled marriages.

That said, was this a shotgun wedding because of a suprise pregnancy, or had you been planning on getting married before you found out about the pregnancy? Were you married in the Church or with a dispensation of form from the Catholic Church? Was your wife planning on never having any more children at the time of the wedding? Did she lie about any of this to you? All of these factors could affect the validity of your marriage, and it would be wise for you to talk about your situation to a faithful priest who can help you sort out your options at this point.

God bless.
 
Thanks for the quick replys. I really appreciate the advice.

“From reading your post is sounds like you haven’t had sex since you were married is that correct? so the marriage hasn’t been consummated?”
This is correct. Its been almost 21 months where our marriage is 14 months along.

“*I’m taking it you got married because she got pregnant? *”
Yes and no. We did it quickly because she was pregnant, though we were going to wait until the following Dec. after the birth until her parents got involved. This has made it “complicated” with the Church, though thankfully a good friend and faithful priest baptized our son, so at least that is going well 🙂

“do it for John Paul (great name BTW)”
Thanks, I want him to have the footsteps of great men that he can follow, and I figure that this is a good start.

“but don’t press her on it anymore right now.”
I do my best not to make it a central issue, I want any intimacy that we have to be because it is freely chosen, not forced out of an argument or pressured. I want her to be able to choose me. I really hope she does.

“Has she told you why she doesn’t want to be intimate any more?”
She hasn’t been able to explain it when we’ve talked about it.

“t seems like her being on the Pill indicates that she anticipates sex sometime in the near future. Otherwise, I’m confused.”
Me too.

“What if you sat down with her this weekend and in a very loving and gentle manner, explained that you feel hurt and rejected when she doesn’t seem to want to have sex with you”
We’ve had a few discussions about this and they don’t go well. She feels guilty because this isn’t what she wants for us, but she also can’t get past this fear or whatever it is. the walls come up and we usually retreat to the bed and go to sleep. I wouldn’t ascribe this to a choice. I don’t think that she really has a choice in this. I think that this is a result of just being terribly hurt and reacting to that on a gut level.

I mean, she married you, presumably she loves you and doesn’t want to see you suffer.
Absolutely, we are very close in so many ways. She is my best friend, and we have night where we spend time “on the couch” with each other. We’ve worked through a few books together (5 Love Languages, For Men Only, For Women Only, Children Change a Marriage). We spend alot of time digging into the nuts and bolts of our relationship, but this is where our wheels fell off… And it is effecting everything else.

“You might benefit most from marital counseling or a retrouvaille retreat, which is designed to teach communication skills and help troubled marriages.”
I’ve been thinking about this. Right now I am doing this 40 day love dare book thing. (hey, if it worked for that kid from growing pains… kidding) My attitude, learned from years of AA (I recovered young) is that problems are never one sided, and I need to work on me. Worrying about the planks in my eye, I guess.

“That said, was this a shotgun wedding because of a suprise pregnancy, or had you been planning on getting married before you found out about the pregnancy?”
Somewhat, It was on both our minds. Jack was the decision making event for me. The timing of the wedding was taken from our control an moved up almost 10 months by her parents.

“Were you married in the Church or with a dispensation of form from the Catholic Church?”
No. I’m working on this, though.

*“Was your wife planning on never having any more children at the time of the wedding?”
*We definitely wanted children. It was one of the things that we agreed on before hand.
 
All I want to add is best of luck and Ill be praying for you.
 
Thank you for the prayers. I need every bit of it that I can get these days
 
*I’m sorry for your struggles right now. I’m sure you know this, but in case you don’t…women are wired differently than men. :eek: Lightbulb moment, right? 😃 What I mean, is that when something is deeply troubling us, or we have a lot on our minds, or we are just not at ease with something or someone…we just are not going to be in the mood for sex. For our bodies to desire sex, our minds typically have to be at peace, and not fretting about something. Something is troubling your wife…something is causing her to not be at ease right now. Could be having a baby, could be the marriage, could be you, could be her…could be a number of things, but now that you are both married–you laugh as one, you pray as one, you hurt as one. You go through life, as one. That being said, tell her that you want to help her through this…that you are here for her, and that you hurt, when she hurts. You are hurting separately, as you have mentioned, but really, if you both don’t get to the root of why she hurts, your marriage will continue to feel like roommates paying bills and raising a child, to put it bluntly.

My dh and I had some issues like this…I was very much not at ease with sex, in general, when we first married. But, I wouldn’t discuss it…I was embarassed. Once we talked about it, and we worked on my fears-together-amazing things happened.

Get to the heart of what is causing your wife to not be at ease, and you will both be on your way to a more together type marriage. Sex is not the end all be all of marriage, but it is what brings a couple closest like nothing else. It is unitive, and without uniting in this way, it can be damaging to a marriage, to an extent. Now there are people who can’t have sex due to illness etc…and those couples make peace with their crosses. I don’t think that this is the same situation. Your wife has to come to terms with what is ailing her, otherwise, the marriage will suffer.

I will hold you in my prayers, that you and your wife will begin working on improving things…God bless.*
 
May I suggest some Catholic books?

Three to Get Married, Fulton Sheen

The 7 Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly

For Better, For Ever by Popcack

Prayers!!!
 
"Were you married in the Church or with a dispensation of form from the Catholic Church?"
No. I’m working on this, though.
Click to expand...
*In light of this comment you really shouldn’t pursue the actual marital act at this point. That should happen after you get married in the church. At this point according to catholic teaching you aren’t validly married and any sexual activity is fornication and not moral. *

Keep on working on the intimacy issues though. It’s important that your" wife "is able to commit to a marriage where sexual expression of love is a part. As well as the intent to be open to life at some point.

*Counseling might be the way to go with your problems. She may be expressing fear over getting pregnant whether she is able to put that into words or not. It’s certainly understandable if that is the case. Or it might be something else. She needs to be able to articulate what it is. *

I’m sorry you are struggling so. I’ve been married 24 years and we still have issues that require a lot of struggle and working through. :gopray:
 
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