True Forgiveness

[saintdumbox]

I’ve been reading about forgiveness in a spiritual book as well as in Scripture a few times this month. I feel as if God is trying to speak to me, but I need help sifting through the noise.

I’ll try to keep it short. My biological father didn’t want anything to do with my mother after he found out she was pregnant, 20-some odd years ago, a little after they had stop dating. Told her to consider having an abortion because he already had two kids from a previous marriage. He wasn’t there at my birth or for the first couple year of my life until my step-mother forced his hand. By the time he came back into my life, my mom had married my step-father (whom I credit as being my father) and my younger siblings came into the picture. Our interactions weren’t pleasant - he used fear of my mom dying and tough love to convince me that I should spend more time at his house and with his family. I didn’t feel any compassion or investment from my biological father. I would invite him to my sport and club events, but he would never show even though he lived less than an hour away. He would only come to big events, like graduation. A few years ago, I graduated from college and invited him (expecting a non-show). I was right - no card, no call, nothing. A year later, my parents got a divorce, and my biological father tried to reconnect with me.

After much thought, I politely told him that I forgive him for all the hurt he had caused me, but ultimately I didn’t want him in my life. I’m not sure if it’s because I saw my mother work endlessly to make sure she was at our events and a part of our lives that I don’t want anything to do with this man that showed no evidence of love toward me. Of course, I imagined a life where I would have said, “yes, please be my dad.” Yet, I struggled with the thought of sacrificing my time to go visit him when I could be spending time with the family and friends that have loved me since day one. Obviously, there is more to the story, but that’s a quick summary. I pray for him everyday - for his holiness and that he may know forgiveness.

I struggle with this because Jesus tells us to always forgive and if we do not forgive others, we will not be forgiven by God the Father. So, I always ask myself, “Did I do the right thing? Did I truly forgive my biological father?” … Do you think God is saying, “let go of all your pain, your hurt, your anxieties - that is forgiveness”? Or is He saying, “that is not true forgiveness - reach out and create a relationship”? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Forgiveness means you do not carry around hate or anger at the person for the wrong they did you.
Forgiveness does not mean that you have to continue having that person as part of your life if it makes you uncomfortable and they are not your dependent (such as a minor child, or an elderly adult with no other family or resources).

This guy hasn’t really acted as a parent to you throughout your life, whereas you have a step-father who has, and a loving family who you want to be part of/ spend your time with. I can see where you’d feel that the boat has sailed on your having any type of “dad” relationship with this person. You don’t seem to hate him and you do pray for him every day, so it sounds like you have basically forgiven him. I’d suggest just continuing to keep your distance, while perhaps, if you feel comfortable with it, leaving the door open to contact in case you ever change your mind.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

It would also be okay to – in a calm and civil manner – to explain to him the reason you want to keep a distance. In other words, that he wasn’t there for you and showed little interest in being a part of your life.
You might even ask him why he’s all of a sudden interested.
Of course it could all blow up and become a painful conversation, but there is nothing intrinsically wrong with calling somebody on the ways they have hurt you…
Believe it or not, this might come as a surprise to him. I’ve known some people who were amazingly clueless.

Peace

 

[Seagull]

One of the ten commandments - is - to honor your parents.
It’s - that - important.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

You might even ask him why he’s all of a sudden interested.

I’d wonder about this too.
Is he trying to get back with your mom?
Has he just been diagnosed with cancer?
Did he have a religious conversion or enter a 12-step program and is now trying to do things better than he did in the past?
Have his other children turned out to be disappointments in some way?
Did he feel like he was competing somehow with the relationship you had with your stepfather?
I would hope it’s not anything like you’ve suddenly become famous or inherited a lot of money.

 

[saintdumbox]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply! This helps me immensely.

 

[saintdumbox]

What do you mean by this? I know this commandment is important. But I consider my step-father as my father. He took care of a child that wasn’t his. If fatherhood isn’t about responsibility and sacrifice, then I need to be re-educated.

 

[QwertyGirl]

Forgiveness is not the same thing as acceptance. It sounds as if you have truly forgiven your father, but your aren’t willing to accept his past behavior. This is healthy and appropriate for you. It sounds like you aren’t willing to accept the future behavior he may likely serve up, based on his past behavior. And, most importantly, it doesn’t sound like he has conveyed any willingness to understand or own the pain he caused you or demonstrated any intention to do better in the future.

You, and only you, are responsible for stereing your life now that you are an adult. To do this in a healthy way, it means steering clear of those people who will get in your path (in a negative way) of your happiness and fulfillment in this world.

It sounds to me that you have completely forgiven. Stay healthy, and stay away from your dad as he is today. That is the best advice I have. In the future, your dad may change. You may wish to give him another chance. That has no bearing on if you have forgiven him or not. Your choice, at that time, will require prudence and should not be taken lightly. I encourage you to believe in the power of redemption, but you don’t need to participate in someone else’s redemption unless it is what is healthy for you, and any future spouse/children you have at the time.

 

[Seagull]

Well, I suppose like Joseph…how he was Jesus’s step father…
But Joseph wasn’t his real father…

 

[saintdumbox]

When I sat down with him to tell him that I no longer wanted him in my life, I explained my rationale. It was a painful conversation as I don’t think he understood much of my perspective. He was rather hurt when I got adopted by my step-father and took his last name (when I had my mom’s maiden name previously). He claimed that since my step-father wouldn’t be my life anymore after their divorce that maybe it was his time to be my father.

As for Tis_Bearself’s questions, I’ve thought similar things. Haha - no. My biological father is married, so he’s not trying to get back with my mother. Ironically, he’s Catholic, and I didn’t know this when I converted a few years ago, but I don’t think he has practiced his faith in a long time. My biological father married my step-mother a few years after i was born. They raised his two kids and her two kids from their previous marriages. I had trouble with this as I got older because he was willing to raise two kids that weren’t his own and dealt with my step-siblings’ father.

I’m hoping to have a career in academia, so I don’t know if he considers that successful. I’ve ultimately concluded that since he is getting older in age, he has started to think about his mortality and his mistakes. I also think that my step-mother is a wonderful person and helps him try to be a better person.

 

[saintdumbox]

“And, most importantly, it doesn’t sound like he has conveyed any willingness to understand or own the pain he caused you or demonstrated any intention to do better in the future.” Love this!

Thank you for your wonderful reply and advice. I find great joy and comfort in your words above. When I sat down with him to explain that I didn’t want him to be part of my life, at times I would see a light go off in his face as if he never had considered the thoughts I was expressing before.

I have thought about my future and those in my future. God willing, if I have a wife and children - I think it would be rather awkward to have him at our wedding and holding my children. Ultimately, this decision will be up to me and my wife.

 

[Seagull]

You sound like a great kid truly !

 

[saintdumbox]

Thank you. I often think God has blessed me with remarkable friends, role models and family to keep me on the straight and narrow. My life could have been awfully dark and lonely if I didn’t have Him and them.

 

[CatholicTurk]

Saintdumbox,

“If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same.” (Luke 6:33)

Forgiving by definition is most of what others have already commented here, obviously. But it is also the state in which you truly don’t mind it whichever way it goes to, because you’re simply that much at peace with it either ways. Don’t know if that makes sense? lol
Nevertheless, i agree that you should not just cut him off of your life once and for all. He is your father after all, and you should help him in anyway you possibly can. This does not mean that you should yield to his wishes, potential manipulations or his life by any means, though. And you certainly should not go the extra mile just for the sake of comforting him at your own expense. However, as far as your real question per se, if you have truly “forgiven” him, then you have no problem sitting down to share a meal, connect every once in a while, and even be capable of cracking a few jokes together. If you have trouble doing at least one of these things, then, in my humble opinion, you still have certain anger due to having been hurt for so many years, which is natural and very normal, by the way. You just need to work on it… For some of us it might take as short as a year, yet for some it might take a decade, if not decades, to overcome all of the hurting. But hey, what do you have to lose to offer him (the one that does not deserve it) the “Agape” love Our Lord has bestowed upon us?

 

[Kei]

It is letting our refreshing rain fall on the just and unjust alike.

If he ever needs help, don’t be afraid to help him.
If he ever repents and says he’s sorry (does he know how you feel?), then perhaps give him a chance if he is genuine.

But does that mean for you to treat him like your dad? I personally don’t think that this is necessary.

But know that we are mostly amateurs. Go to a priest if it truly bothers you, give more details, go through this rightly with a flesh and blood person.

 

[Reuben_J]

I feel sorry about your relationship with your father. You are right, it is both - let go and reach out (to him).

Forgiveness is not so much about him but more about you.

It is difficult; that’s why Jesus says to forgive seventy times seven, meaning indefinitely - again and again, and again.

Forgiveness is about you, because you need to be restored. Your hurt damaged you. By forgiving, you are restoring yourself, that your hurt and resentment will not get hold over you.

Nurturing thought against your father is a sin, which can affect you. Forgiveness is much, much more that we can ever imagine. It is a key to our own deliverance, freedom and happiness.

God bless.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

However, as far as your real question per se, if you have truly “forgiven” him, then you have no problem sitting down to share a meal, connect every once in a while, and even be capable of cracking a few jokes together. If you have trouble doing at least one of these things, then, in my humble opinion, you still have certain anger due to having been hurt for so many years, which is natural and very normal, by the way. You just need to work on it

It really depends on the level of hurt that the person feels from the other’s behavior.

There are people who forgive murderers who have killed their loved one, or Nazi prison guards who abused them. Do we expect those forgiving people to take the extra step and sit down and have a meal or crack a joke with the murderer or the guard? Hardly. Maybe some of them do it, but we don’t say, “well, unless you can sit and have a coffee with Mr. Murderer or Mr. Nazi, you haven’t truly forgiven him.”

Now perhaps one could say that whatever this absent biodad did was not to the level of a murderer or a Nazi guard and therefore the person should be able to have dinner and crack a joke with the biodad. However, we are not that person and we may not fully grasp all the levels of hurt from an Internet post. It is one thing to say “forgive and let go of the hurt” , it is another thing to say “and in order to prove you’ve truly let go, you must be able to have ongoing contact with the person.”

I have forgiven all sorts of people in my life who I have no desire or motivation or wish to spend any time with, ever again. The relationships between me and these people were toxic and while I do not harbor hatred or animosity towards them anymore and I pray for them, I do not want them close to me or in my life, as this would not be a good thing for me going forward. In some cases I don’t think it would be a good thing for the other person either because the whole relationship was just not good for anyone.

 

[CatholicTurk]

Dear Tis_Bearself,

This is why things should never be taken out of context. Because if you kindly look at my post as a whole, it is really not what i’m conveying at all, neither at the beginning nor at the end. I do not suggest that she should do all of that, either, and certainly no way could one know about another’s painful past life over an internet post. I’m only saying that if she feels any anger or resentment while pondering on the possibility of enacting any one of those moments, which is self-examination, then she probably has still some work to do in her own mind, heart and soul. Nonetheless, i respect your opinion (hers, as well), and indeed agree with you - only as far as - different levels of hurt and recovery time, which completely depends on a particular individual. However, remember when Jesus said forgive your brother seventy-seven times, do you suppose He meant for us to forgive and cut out the person for good? Or did he actually mean to carry on a relationship, although it’s a difficult one, and perhaps painful? How else can you even have a chance to keep on forgiving your brother 77 times? In her particular case it’s her father (not even a Nazi, murderer or rapist) but it could be applied to her neighbor, co-worker, and so on. And when He said what credit is it to you if you only forgive the righteous ones, as the sinners do, did he mean to show the true meaning of forgiveness, or just give us an empty bunch of words?

A good example to this is Joyce Meyer (famous Protestant preacher) who was raped by her father for many many years, and yet she was brave enough to talk about her tragedy and pain in her books and on TV in front of her mega-church. She said that she finally forgave him but chose to keep him at bay. But guess what? She still took care of him when he turned out to be a homeless guy and provided him with shelter, and a nursing home later on. She never took him to her home, yet she was still there for her father whom God had appointed. And in short, it was her one and only father, who at least deserved that much of honor, despite his cruel behavior for more than a decade. Not everybody could be this strong, and surely, not that we must, either. But we all should strive to get there by taking the challenge of loving the unlovable and forgiving the unforgivable, not just in words but in actions.

 

[Eric_Hyom]

My biological father is married, so he’s not trying to get back with my mother. Ironically, he’s Catholic, and I didn’t know this when I converted a few years ago, but I don’t think he has practiced his faith in a long time. .

Read into this what you will. I have been a Street Pastor for the last ten years, we wonder round our town until around 4 am listening, caring and helping when we can.

Some of the most disturbed people we meet are men who have broken up from their partners. They are often drunk, sorrowful and distressed when they talk about their children.

Your dad divorced your mum, he did not divorce you. But if he was brought up a Catholic, he knows the Catholic position on divorce and remarriage, and will probably be feeling a lot of guilt. I believe that it is his Catholic guilt that kept him away from you and the church as you were growing up. Often it is easier to forgive other people, than it is to forgive yourself, your dad has had about twenty years to live with his past.

When I became a Street Pastor, I was told that you will never look into the eyes of anyone who does not matter to God. This affects how I look at people now.

Blessings
Eric

 

[Tis_Bearself]

She still took care of him when he turned out to be a homeless guy and provided him with shelter, and a nursing home later on.

If you read back through my posts, this is a situation where a person who did you wrong ends up being dependent on you in some way for care that you’re in a position to provide, which I specifically noted as perhaps an exception.

Providing for basic needs for a dependent child, sibling, elderly parent - where you are in a position to do this (obviously Joyce Meyer likely had the finances and other resources to help) - is a different situation than being expected to maintain some emotional relationship over time with a person whose basic needs are met.

It’s a fine line and we all need to draw it for ourselves, in our own situations, and if necessary with the help of a priest or other spiritual direction, as well as psychological direction if necessary.

We cannot, however, take situations where someone was hurtful or abusive and tell someone else that they “haven’t truly forgiven” until they can just have a friendly relationship with a person like nothing happened, or that they are required to provide care like Joyce Meyer. This to me distorts the idea of what it means to forgive.