Trust

[tulips]

I struggle a lot with trust, especially when it comes to men. I have a boyfriend and I don’t have the slightest clue as to how to trust him. Right now he’s at a basketball game that he went to with men & women. He was invited to go from an executive at his job. She has 2 single daughters that are more than likely going. I’m sure there are also going to be other women there also. They are going to go eat at a restaurant & car pool to the game. They’re not just sitting in regular seats, but are going to be in a box. You know, one of those private rooms you can see the game from. I feel aweful right now. I get so sick of not knowing if he’s lusting after some woman or worse, that I really just feel like breaking up with him. Can someone please offer some advice. Thanks.

 

[La_Chiara]

Is it possible that you have some reason to worry? For example, your father was untrustworthy or you had another boyfriend who betrayed you?

It sounds like you recognize that feeling this way is not healthy. To some degree, it is something that will diminish over time as you have more experience and reason to trust men. But if it is related to some betrayal in your past, you might want to really examine that situation and perhaps get counseling if it continues to cause you unnecessary anxiety. From the way you describe it, the situation does not warrant the anxiety you are feeling. Also, if you would be that devastated if your boyfriend would leave you and you are not secure enough in the relationship, you might consider whether you need to address self-esteem issues. And you should recognize that if your boyfriend would be so easily be taken with another girl, then you are better off without him!

 

[asquared]

why on earth would any woman be in a relationship with a man she cannot trust? if he is your boyfriend, that means you are dating, the phase of the relationship when you are getting to know one another better. it doesn’t mean you have any claim on each other’s time or activities when you are not together. Has anything in his speech or behavior so far given you reasons not to trust him? If not, what is the problem?

 

[tulips]

When I first started dating him he had subscriptions to Maxim & Stuff. He keeps all his magazines. He’d just recently stopped subscribing to Playboy, but still had all the past issues in a box. I think that’s where it started. Also, his friends are into porn. There profession(his friends & him) is in the computer industry, which means there’s always that temptation. Plus, his friends sometimes send him e-mails with pornography. He’s also not a christian. That being said he’s a good guy. After some prodding he stopped his subscription to Maxim & Stuff. He hasn’t dated much at all. He’s only been intimate with one girl. I think that’s pretty good for a non-christian. He’s also never done drugs. It’s true that I have self-esteem issues, that’s why it makes this situation so hard. I don’t if I’m over-reacting or not.

 

[Scout]

No, you’re not over-reacting. This man is not a Christian. Why would you want to commit yourself to a man who won’t follow the teachings of Christ? Plus, you don’t want to entagle yourself with a man who looks at porn on a regular basis.

I know you have self-esteem issues, but one way to help improve that is to stand up for yourself. Tell him to get rid of the magazines because it’s not good for the relationship and they make you feel bad because you won’t ever look like those women because those women aren’t real. If he refuses to do this for you, then you know where you stand in the relationship and what you have to do. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you’re second to someone’s porn collection?

Scout :tiphat:

 

[chb03c]

well there is a problem here. To be perfectly honest with you, you have good reason not to trust him. But that does not mean you should break up with him. he has a big problem here with lust, trust i am a guy i know the signs. And more than likely he is morally sinning too. you need to talk to him. if you really care about him you will help him and do what is best for him. the great thing about relationships is the communication that is involved. everytime something bad happens it doesnt mean that the two should break up it means that the two should talk about it and come to conclusion about how to fix the problem. Look at the relationship between us and God. If we couldnt pray to God and we just kept doing bad things(sinning) we do you think we would end up? So anyway talk to your boyfriend tell what he is doing is wrong and should do something to fix it maybe urge him to go to confession, and see where that goes

 

[tulips]

Oh, I forgot to say that he trashed all of his trashy magazines. It took some time before he got rid of them, but he did eventually.

 

[Scout]

It’s great that he got rid of the magazines, but the fact still remains that he is not a Christian. You are on your way to becoming a Catholic, the greatest blessing God could bestow on His creation. Trust me when I tell you that you don’t want to get into a deep relationship with someone who won’t share your faith and committment to Christ. You want someone who’s going to encourage you to grow deeper in your love for Jesus, not someone who’s going to treat it as a competition between Jesus and himself.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[puzzleannie]

tulips:

. Also, his friends are into porn. There profession(his friends & him) is in the computer industry, which means there’s always that temptation. Plus, his friends sometimes send him e-mails with pornography. QUOTE]
my husband has been in the computer industry as long as it has existed and has never looked at porn on line or anyplace else. My job has involved being on-line for a large part of every day for over 8 years, and I have never encountered on line pornography. It is not inevitable that working on line equates with viewing pornography, it is a deliberate choice. If he is a porn addict his sexual appetites are gravely disordered an exceedingly immature. Don’t think you will change him, that is up to him, you are not his redeemer.

 

[ekblad7]

I have this same issue with my husband. We have been married for nine years and have 5 (soon to be 6) children. I had a very bad experience with an ex boyfriend in high school which began my inabilaty to trust men. After a number of years I was able to trust my husband, I thought. Then I stumbled upon porn websites that he had been looking at. I was mortified. I have always made very clear my stance on that sort of thing. It happened twice. I nearly left him. By that time we had five children. I talked to priests, therapists, etc. It is the sam eas having an affair, IMO, and is certainly a mortal sin. It’s been a couple of years now but I still don’t really trust him. If I were you, I would seriously look at this relationship and see if it’s worth it. You may be setting yourself up for a lifetime of mistrust and agony. I don’t know that I will ever fully trust my husband and that is an awful, awful feeling. I wouldn’t want you to be in that position as well. Porn is like a drug and is very hard to stop viewing. I will pray for you.

 

[Kap_4]

tulips:

. Also, his friends are into porn. There profession(his friends & him) is in the computer industry, which means there’s always that temptation. Plus, his friends sometimes send him e-mails with pornography. QUOTE]
my husband has been in the computer industry as long as it has existed and has never looked at porn on line or anyplace else. My job has involved being on-line for a large part of every day for over 8 years, and I have never encountered on line pornography. It is not inevitable that working on line equates with viewing pornography, it is a deliberate choice. If he is a porn addict his sexual appetites are gravely disordered an exceedingly immature. Don’t think you will change him, that is up to him, you are not his redeemer.

I always thought that my husband was also the kind that never looks at porn but i just discover that he does always when he is at a hotel traveling for work, he has told me about it, but i really dont know how to handle this!

 

[RWMorris]

IMHO, the OP should dump this guy if he is not a Christian. How in the world will they ever be compatible? Especially with temptations like porn out there so easily obtainable; he won’t have the Holy Spirit to guide him and keep him free from sin.
Trust is an essential issue. You have to be able to trust your spouse (or boyfriends). If you can’t, there is no real solid basis for a relationship.
And yes, I believe that one should never go out even on a date with a non-Christian if one is a believer. The Bible warns us not to be unequally yoked with a non-believer.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

IMO, I feel that you should take time to sit back and decide what is important to YOU in any realationship. I would think that a man that has a relationship with Christ would fall in the top 3 if not #1. I would venture to say that trust would be up there as well. Right now, you are on strike 2. It is not about him, it is about you. Take the time to straighten out your priorities. Pray.

 

[Sierrah]

I wish I could help you out here but I’ve trust issues I’m trying to deal with as well. The last guy I dated lied about everything. He even lied about being Christian then when he thought he had me completely under his spell he let his true nature show and went from being a kind and considerate guy to a abusive creep. I dropped him when the abuse became physical. Honestly I still don’t trust guys yet and it’s been about 6 months. I guess it comes down to trusting my own judgement and I’ve sort of developed the mentally of why bother anymore.
I guess maybe we should both pray. I would certain talk to a priest or coucilor about it. I should do that myself…I know.

 

[ltbpoe43]

I’m not sure I understand your level of distrust.

Has he ever done anything with another woman that was distrustful? Work outings or any outings where other women are present should not be cause for distrust. This will always happen whether you are dating or married.

Distrust comes from acts initiated by the boyfriend that are hidden or secretive that he knows would not be acceptable behavior in a mature relationship.

You know where he is, you know with whom, you know what he is doing. You are actually ahead of the game here.

Unless he has given you specific reasons not to trust him in terms of seeing other girls - you may just have to trust that he loves you enough not to jeopardize the relationship with you. Good luck.

 

[lotusblossom]

I would agree with what several posters have already said.

Pornography is a dangerous thing to be up against and since it was present from the beginning, your distrust is well-founded. It is very equal to having an affair IMO as well. He is lusting after women who are not you (not that he should be lusting after you either, but you know what I mean) and that takes away much of the relationship. Plus, he is not Christian, as you say, and that could leave another gaping hole in the relationship. You need to really take a good look at the relationship and see if it is worth it. If you have trouble with self-esteem, then putting yourself in this type of position is only going to make it worse for you! It’d be better that you be single now and find someone who is more compatible with you and what you really want. There are men out there who do not look at pornography, who have friends who strive to be good men and encourage their friends to do the same, who have strong faith, and who will never give you a reason NOT to trust them. The man you should be with should respect you and it’s almost near impossible for a man to do that if he is looking at pornography as well.

 

[SMHW]

I agree with where Scout was going.

The porn is troublesome. If he’s given it up, wonderful. But the bigger issue is that he is non-Christian. Being non-Christian doesn’t necessarily make someone a ‘bad’ person. But it does seriously impact his potential as a possible mate.

Now all this may or may not have anything to do with whether or not the OP has problems trusting men.

 

[Jay2]

You’ve been thrust into the “Whole Can of Worms”…
A man with an accomplished career, “set” circle of friends, and living a single life without recourse… enter you.

You bring the dreaded “itty” into his life.
Responsibility
Accountability
Sensibility

I’ve said it here before, and will say it again (and again)…
Trust, is a hard-earned privilege. Very easily lost, excruciatingly painful to regain.

Has he ever abused the trust earned between you? (not “perceived” things, blatant things)

You can subscribe to two venues:
“Past & current history - no go - dump him now”
“Communicate and compromise”