trust

[faithandhope]

I’ve been married for almost 21 years. Recently my husband confessed he was having an affair. And that he was so sorry. I found out it lasted 7 months.
Since that day, almost 4 months ago. I’ve had a difficult time forgiving him. I keep bringing up the affair and asking a million questions. I’ve had the urge to call this other woman and ask her some questions about the affair. I have this need to validate what he’s told me. I just don’t believe him, that it was all about sex.
Will I ever get through this pain? I don’t know if I can trust him. And I don’t know if our marriage will survive.
Please pray for us.

 

[Charli67]

faithandhope,
I am praying for you. I have been you, and I can say from experience that calling this other woman is really not going to answer any questions for you. She is most likely not going to be honest anyway.
On the trust thing, all I can say is pray, pray, pray. I don’t know that you will ever get that back 100%. I’m still working on it. It will take TIME, and lots of it. At some point, you need to stop asking questions about the affair. It just helps to feed the pain, something I also know from experience. It is hard. But, you need to make a decision to start from TODAY and move forward. Sometimes, that is a daily thing. I have had to do this several times.
Divorce is not going to heal your wounds. What will is working through this together. When you married him, you made a vow to be together through good times and bad. The BAD is different for every marriage, but every marriage experiences the BAD. Working through this together is what will make your marriage stronger in the end. Anyone can work through the good times, but it is coming through the bad together that makes a marriage strong.
As I said, I am praying for you. But, don’t give up. Stay strong and pray strong!!!

 

[Island_Oak]

I’ve I keep bringing up the affair and asking a million questions. I’ve had the urge to call this other woman and ask her some questions about the affair. I have this need to validate what he’s told me. I just don’t believe him, that it was all about sex…

First, I’m very sorry for all the pain you’re in.

Affairs are NEVER just about sex–which, believe it or not, is probably the good news for you. You don’t need to become an expert in the dark arts of seduction. You do need to reconnect emotionally with your husband.

First step, FORGET about digging up facts and figures about the affair. It will NOT make you feel better~but merely give you something concrete to obsess about. You know there was unfaithfulness–really–what more do you need?! And for heaven’s sake do NOT expose yourself to the other woman. She may well have her own agenda & hurt feelings (note your husband chose to stay with you, not her)…don’t open the door and let her in again…she is not part of your future, keep her in the past.

What to do? Get into some counseling–separetely at first, then joint. You each need to work out some complicated emotions and thoughts without hurting each other or the marriage any further. When you come together you should have learned some language and released enough steam to express yourself, know your needs, acknowledge the problems without attacking each other.

The process of counseling will take months–at the very least. Whether or not you can pull it back together will depend on your respective commitments to the marriage and willingness to do the work–being contrite and accountable + responsible for communicating needs (him); willing to show forgiveness + help meet needs in the relationship (you).

Something, somewhere came apart between the two of you. There’s likely not just one of you at fault after so many years. You each need to be able to own up to your part in tearing the fabric of your marriage if you hope to mend it. Prayers for your broken heart and a renewed marriage.

 

[rayne89]

Please attend a retrouvaille weekend with your husband. retrouvaille.org/

I understand your urge to ask but no matter what answer you get it won’t make things better. You can survive this if you both work hard but you need the tools to do that. Retrouvaille is an amazing program.

 

[Charli67]

faithandhope, I sent you a PM, it said your box is full.