Trusting a vocation to marriage as a single person

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iwillrisenow

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I have a question about vocation discernment and periods of doubt, particularly with regards to the single life/marriage. A long time ago (waaay back in 2011 :)), I went through a period of prayer and discernment on my vocation. Long story short, I walked away from that period with a strong sense of being called to marriage, but needing to spend time to learn more about what that truly entails. I have done my best to do this through reading and prayer.

Months later, we are on the eve of a new year and I am spending quite a bit of time reflecting once again on my vocation (including an upcoming retreat and beginning to meet with a spiritual director again). I also opened the avenue of Catholic online dating exactly one year ago. Just before Christmas, I ran into a surprise disappointment in this area and, in my anguish, visited one of those vocation match websites and sent out my “profile” to a number of orders. I was open and honest about where I am with regards to vocations, including the doubts. Since then, I have received a number of replies, but eased back somewhat away from discerning a religious vocation further.

I will not go into all of the details here, but while I respect and admire religious vocations of all kinds, I do not feel even a ‘tug’ on my own heart towards one. I do not know why. When I try to open my heart to it, it’s as if a gate arises and blocks my path in that direction. I almost feel adverse to religious life whenever it comes up, and that worries me, because it seems as though most people get to an “either/or” point in their discernment journeys. Even getting these e-mails from sisters depresses me a bit-- “Oh no, what if this is it? What if I have to resign to becoming a sister now?” :eek:

Now I know that a vocation should never be a resignation…but I cannot honestly pursue religious life discernment without it feeling this way in my case. My question is-- should I do it anyway, even if so much as thinking about “Come and See” events just…feels wrong? Or do I pray and wait and trust that my vocation is what I discerned previously? How do I deal with the road blocks in both areas (no potential husband present but desire in the heart for marriage, no desire in the heart for religious life, but sisters are more readily available to chat and meet)? I want to be sure and confident and focus on what I believe lies deep down in my heart, but there is so much pressure to be “open”, particularly for unmarried single women. But which path is “open”: waiting in hope and trust on a desire placed in one’s heart by God or pursuing an objectively greater good without desire because it is available at present?

I know that the answer in my specific case will have to come through spiritual direction and prayer…but I am still wondering if anyone else has or is experiencing these conflicts. If so, how have you handled them?
 
No, I wouldn’t pursue a religious vocation right now. If I read you correctly, your contacting of the various orders was because of big disappointment. To be blunt, that sounds rather reactionary, and based purely on emotions rather than clear thinking. If a romantic scenario didn’t work out for you just now, that doesn’t mean that you aren’t called to marriage. Perhaps you need to just give yourself time to let the dust settle on that disappointment before you continue on your path. And you may very well still be on the right path. Of course, the fact that you are uninterested in a religious vocation doesn’t mean that you will always be. Vocations of all sorts come about in surprising ways sometimes. Continue to pray about it, but I don’t see why you would put yourself into a situation that holds no attraction for you. You don’t have to be constantly pushing yourself towards one state of life or another. It is ok to just BE for a while.
 
My priest once explained vocations to me. Basically (for the sake of explaining this), there are three types of vocations: Religious, married, and single. People are almost NEVER called to just one of these vocations. For example, some people get married, but after their spouse dies, then they join a religious order.
Simply put, you may feel called to a married life, but right now you are single. If you truly feel called to be married, God will provide for you. Just keep praying about it - it will help.

And being single doesn’t mean that you can’t be called to be highly religious, even if that means you are not called to join a religious order. For example, there is a woman at my church who had a husband that died, so she got married again. He also died, and now she is left single with all this wealth left from her two deceased husbands. So what does she do? She devotes all her time and money to the church.

Now, I am not saying that you should just stay single and become a sort of self-proclaimed religious. What I mean is that you should trust that, even though you feel called to be married, God has some plan for you. Trust in Him so that He may complete this plan with you.
 
Timothy_Garber said:
My priest once explained vocations to me. Basically (for the sake of explaining this), there are three types of vocations: Religious, married, and single. People are almost NEVER called to just one of these vocations. For example, some people get married, but after their spouse dies, then they join a religious order.
Simply put, you may feel called to a married life, but right now you are single. If you truly feel called to be married, God will provide for you. Just keep praying about it - it will help.

And being single doesn’t mean that you can’t be called to be highly religious, even if that means you are not called to join a religious order. For example, there is a woman at my church who had a husband that died, so she got married again. He also died, and now she is left single with all this wealth left from her two deceased husbands. So what does she do? She devotes all her time and money to the church.

Now, I am not saying that you should just stay single and become a sort of self-proclaimed religious. What I mean is that you should trust that, even though you feel called to be married, God has some plan for you. Trust in Him so that He may complete this plan with you.
Click to expand...
Just a point of clarification. Being single is NOT a vocation. I repeat, it is not a vocation. Being a consecrated lay/religious person IS. A vocation is a permanent state in which a person is committing to be a total self-gift either to God/the church or another human being. Just being single is NOT a vocation. The church has a huge problem with so many singles who are vocationless.
 
GraceUnderFire said:
Just a point of clarification. Being single is NOT a vocation. I repeat, it is not a vocation. Being a consecrated lay/religious person IS. A vocation is a permanent state in which a person is committing to be a total self-gift either to God/the church or another human being. Just being single is NOT a vocation. The church has a huge problem with so many singles who are vocationless.
Click to expand...
osv.com/tabid/7621/itemid/8196/Is-the-unconsecrated-single-life-a-vocation.aspx

You also have to remember that being single can be part of the overall vocation.
 
Timothy_Garber said:
People are almost NEVER called to just one of these vocations…
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I have never heard this.

What I have heard is that it is better to look for an each-day call, and let the big picture Vocation take care of itself. It is necessary for a man who wants to marry to remain as chaste as a man who will be a priest, and it is as necessary for a man who will be a priest to be able to have healthy adult relationships with women and well as with men.

The idea is to constantly listen, not to obsess and never to fear. The Holy Scriptures are full of saints who got surprises. David was a shepherd, and did prepare himself to be a king. Our Lady had no idea whatsoever that she would be the Mother of God before she was asked to do it. The Apostles had no idea what was in store for them…their call was “Come, follow me”. The main thing is to have a listening attitude, and follow what you hear when the call comes.
 
EasterJoy said:
I have never heard this.

What I have heard is that it is better to look for an each-day call, and let the big picture Vocation take care of itself. It is necessary for a man who wants to marry to remain as chaste as a man who will be a priest, and it is as necessary for a man who will be a priest to be able to have healthy adult relationships with women and well as with men.

The idea is to constantly listen, not to obsess and never to fear. The Holy Scriptures are full of saints who got surprises. David was a shepherd, and did prepare himself to be a king. Our Lady had no idea whatsoever that she would be the Mother of God before she was asked to do it. The Apostles had no idea what was in store for them…their call was “Come, follow me”. The main thing is to have a listening attitude, and follow what you hear when the call comes.
Click to expand...
“What I have heard is that it is better to look for an each-day call, and let the big picture Vocation take care of itself.”
THAT was what I meant to say.
Dang it. You said it better than I could. Good job!
 
GraceUnderFire said:
Just a point of clarification. Being single is NOT a vocation. I repeat, it is not a vocation. Being a consecrated lay/religious person IS. A vocation is a permanent state in which a person is committing to be a total self-gift either to God/the church or another human being. Just being single is NOT a vocation. The church has a huge problem with so many singles who are vocationless.
Click to expand...
🤷 I have friends who are single and that is how they are currently serving God. One feels called to remain single for the sake of God and not join an order.

There seems to be a very rational basis for the single vocation both temporary and perminant

catholicexchange.com/the-single-vocation-and0151-does-it-exist/

osv.com/tabid/7621/itemid/8196/Is-the-unconsecrated-single-life-a-vocation.aspx
 
If one is called to be single there is the option of being a consecrated virgin. I’m not certain what all that entails, but it’s an option some may wish to look into.
 
Your emotions can’t be the whole basis for your decision, but they’re not nothing, either. If you make a sincere effort to discern, then it’s reasonable to include your emotions in that. I cannot believe that sincere discernment is anything but infallible.

I went through this earlier this year when I suffered a very difficult break-up with my girlfriend of nearly a year, whom I was getting ready to propose to. The loss was so painful that I questioned my priorities altogether. If I couldn’t make that work, I thought, maybe I can’t make any relationship work. Maybe that was a sign I was meant to go through life on my own. So I started attending discernment dinners, corresponding with the diocesan vocations director, talking with seminarians, seeking spiritual direction, and praying very hard. I was sad the whole time of course, but I came to realize I wasn’t just upset about the breakup. I was genuinely distressed at the thought of not being married. It felt like a loss in its own right, that I was walking away from the joy I had been designed for. I knew that I could never be a good priest or brother or whatever if I viewed it as a consolation prize, so I concluded with the impression that, at least for now, I should continue on the path of marriage.

Maybe God will give me more information later on. Maybe He’ll do that for you, too. Just keep praying hard – praying for clarity and praying for your future husband if you’re to have one (trust me, he needs them).
 
I wouldn’t pursue it if you don’t feel called to the religious life. I feel called to different things and never considered a religious life because honestly it held no appeal for me. I think if it did that would be a good sign I was called to that but I never felt anything in that direction. I feel called to serve in other ways such as volunteer work. I always feel the tug to give back to the community in some way so that tells me that’s where I was called. I also feel a special draw to animal related causes. I think you naturally have a strong pull toward whatever you are called to do if you don’t feel it then it likely isn’t meant to be. I think sometimes we are also called to things that aren’t meant to be such as marriage.
 
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