Truth about Affair

[Fisheater33ad]

3 years ago I came to know that my wife was having an affair. We talked it through and have stayed together. At the time my wife was suffering from intense depression(ie stopped working, inability to handle family life, and potential suicide scares.) Her state of mind being seen as more important, I stopped asking questions about the affair because I thought it might be harmful to her. 3 years later, she is doing better although she still has her down days. The issue is that my questions have not gone away, causing me much mental anguish at not only the unanswered questions, but at some the holes in the story she did tell me.

Should I bring up the conversation again or should I continue trying to forget about the whole ordeal? How do I move on and try and repair the more intimate aspects of our life when it seems this is a big elephant in the room?

 

[Sugabee43]

If she has been in counseling, maybe ask if you and she can see her counselor together; you can say that you’re wanting for all of you to talk together so that you can better get an idea of how she’s doing mentally. That way, you can bring up the extramarital relationship in a controlled setting that makes her feel safe and in which a third person (the counselor) can direct the dialogue so that it doesn’t become destructive or mired in minutiae.

If she’s NOT currently in counseling, I’d be VERY gentle, but you still deserve to know if she’s being faithful. If you have no proof, you need to back off. If you are suspecting that she is still engaged in the affair, then you need to tell her that you need assurances.

 

[Shea96]

Do you suspect it is ongoing? If no, do you trust her now? If yes, then I would ask, why do you need to know?

My husband had an affair many years ago and there is still a lot I do not know. Nor do I care to know. We worked on healing our personal relationship, the things we both needed and were not getting from each other/our relationship, etc. He offered complete transparency in all his actions: cell phone, passwords, emails, credit card statements, etc. To me, I didn’t want all the gory details. It was what it was and it in no way benefits me to know what transpired between them. All that matters to me is how I can focus on trust and keep our relationship strong so that something like this does not occur again.

If it has been 3 years, what do you hope to gain from asking detailed, intimate questions? You will be hurt, she will be hurt and you will be resurrecting something that is of no benefit.

But, this is just my opinion. I know everyone needs to handle these things in their own way. But just something to think about before proceeding, then proceeding cautiously given her current mental well-being is at hand.

God bless you in this most difficult time.

 

[Lou2U]

3 years ago I came to know that my wife was having an affair. We talked it through and have stayed together. At the time my wife was suffering from intense depression(ie stopped working, inability to handle family life, and potential suicide scares.) Her state of mind being seen as more important, I stopped asking questions about the affair because I thought it might be harmful to her. 3 years later, she is doing better although she still has her down days. The issue is that my questions have not gone away, causing me much mental anguish at not only the unanswered questions, but at some the holes in the story she did tell me.

Should I bring up the conversation again or should I continue trying to forget about the whole ordeal? How do I move on and try and repair the more intimate aspects of our life when it seems this is a big elephant in the room?

I suggest you get some marriage counselling to help you work through this.

How will knowing the answers to your questions benefit your relationship with your wife? How will knowing the answers benefit your wife’s health? How will knowing the answers benefit you?

If you think they will give you closure, you are wrong. They will cause more and more problems and more and more pain. I really recommend letting it go as best you can. Maybe get some counselling on your own or talk to your Priest to help you with this.

Lou

 

[boldlygo]

If she has been in counseling, maybe ask if you and she can see her counselor together; you can say that you’re wanting for all of you to talk together so that you can better get an idea of how she’s doing mentally. That way, you can bring up the extramarital relationship in a controlled setting that makes her feel safe and in which a third person (the counselor) can direct the dialogue so that it doesn’t become destructive or mired in minutiae.

If she’s NOT currently in counseling, I’d be VERY gentle, but you still deserve to know if she’s being faithful. If you have no proof, you need to back off. If you are suspecting that she is still engaged in the affair, then you need to tell her that you need assurances.

Go together to the counselor, but with no sugar-coating…it’s not ‘an affair’…it’s** not** an 'extramarital relationship…it’s adultery, plain and simple…

 

[dulcissima]

I suggest you get some marriage counselling to help you work through this.

How will knowing the answers to your questions benefit your relationship with your wife? How will knowing the answers benefit your wife’s health? How will knowing the answers benefit you?

If you think they will give you closure, you are wrong. They will cause more and more problems and more and more pain. I really recommend letting it go as best you can. Maybe get some counselling on your own or talk to your Priest to help you with this.

Lou

Good advice. I think counseling on your own and perhaps joint counseling would do you a world of good. This will help you navigate your way between good/healthy communication and not letting go of the past. I’m sure it’s not easy, but a good counselor can really help you.

 

[Edmundus1581]

I agree with all the previous advice.

My husband had an affair many years ago and there is still a lot I do not know. Nor do I care to know. We worked on healing our personal relationship, the things we both needed and were not getting from each other/our relationship, etc.

I’m happy for you and your husband.

My wife had an affair, and left me for him, and divorced me.

From seeing this and similar topics over the years, it seems to be that when the wife is the one cheated on she is more able to block out her questions, and move on, whereas a husband has more difficulty.

To the OP:

Your questions are natural, but I suspect it is best to let it all go.

You may not be aware of it, but you have a LOT to be grateful for. Many husbands (and wives) in your situation would dearly love to have the option to forgive their spouse, and save the marriage, but are denied it because the cheating spouse decides to end the marriage rather than repair it. If it’s the wife, then she will usually take the children with her, and move in with the “other” man, then divorce her husband, and ruin him financially as she takes most of the assets, and leave him paying alimony for a long time. He may well want to save the marriage, and attempt to reason with her, and go to counseling, all to no avail - because her mind is made up, and the law will back her 100%.

So, I know it’s not easy, but I hope you can find some solace from considering that it could be a lot worse, and often is, and maybe that can help you let it all go.

 

[Shea96]

I agree with all the previous advice.

I’m happy for you and your husband.

My wife had an affair, and left me for him, and divorced me.

From seeing this and similar topics over the years, it seems to be that when the wife is the one cheated on she is more able to block out her questions, and move on, whereas a husband has more difficulty.

To the OP:

Your questions are natural, but I suspect it is best to let it all go.

You may not be aware of it, but you have a LOT to be grateful for. Many husbands (and wives) in your situation would dearly love to have the option to forgive their spouse, and save the marriage, but are denied it because the cheating spouse decides to end the marriage rather than repair it. If it’s the wife, then she will usually take the children with her, and move in with the “other” man, then divorce her husband, and ruin him financially as she takes most of the assets, and leave him paying alimony for a long time. He may well want to save the marriage, and attempt to reason with her, and go to counseling, all to no avail - because her mind is made up, and the law will back her 100%.

So, I know it’s not easy, but I hope you can find some solace from considering that it could be a lot worse, and often is, and maybe that can help you let it all go.

I’m so sorry. I want to say something comforting, but, can only say I’m sorry for the pain you are living with. I will keep you in prayer.

 

[Irishmom2]

I suggest you get some marriage counselling to help you work through this.

How will knowing the answers to your questions benefit your relationship with your wife? How will knowing the answers benefit your wife’s health? How will knowing the answers benefit you?

If you think they will give you closure, you are wrong. They will cause more and more problems and more and more pain. I really recommend letting it go as best you can. Maybe get some counselling on your own or talk to your Priest to help you with this.

Lou

This says everything I would have said. Counseling to find the “cause” of the infidelity, yes. But the who, what, where, when, will serve no purpose but to ignite your hurt all over again and you will have to start to forgive again from square one. None of the facts matter. What matters is understanding the pain and getting past it in both of your lives.

May God bless you, and guide you and your wife to understanding and forgiveness.

 

[Edmundus1581]

I’m so sorry. I want to say something comforting, but, can only say I’m sorry for the pain you are living with. I will keep you in prayer.

Thankyou so much - that’s very thoughtful! :tiphat:

The worst of it happened 20 years ago for me, and since then life has slowly repaired, but there are still raw emotions, as came through in my post.

I was somewhat “fortunate” myself, however, in that I was spared the final blows of losing my children and being financially crippled. This has made me particularly aware of the men who truly lose everything. I can’t imagine how they keep going.