Try and fix it or let well enough alone

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constantconvert

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My husband and I have an opportunity to go to retrouvaille this Spring, and I’m wondering if we should try to fix our marriage or not. We’ve been married for over 20 years. We have 3 kids. We’ve never had a good marriage. We’ve gone to counseling several times, but nothing has changed, so I’m wondering if we should really bother trying. I do not plan on getting a divorce no matter what, so that’s not part of the dilemma.

Let me give you a brief rundown of how things are.

Good things:
we rarely fight
he’s hardworking (at work)
faithful (except for 2 times of adultery early on)
honest
respectful
good dad
good sense of humor
smart

Bad things:
He sleeps on the couch, says it’s more comfy than the bed.
He never talks to me, except for logistical things (ie, “you don’t need to make my lunch today, I have a meeting”). I am really not exaggerating that last point. I am literally jealous of the attention he gives the cat.
We have nothing in common
Does very little around the house-- occasionally he will put up the dishes, and he mows the yard.
Leaves all decisions related to the kids to me (ie: trying to decide whether to have the hospital put ear tubes in our son, he would not give any (name removed by moderator)ut or opinion)

I have tried for years to fix these problems, but now I’m burnt out. He says he will go to retrouvaille if I want to. He’s always willing to try again. But neither one of us really want to dig up all the baggage, etc. For me it’s very painful, and for him, I just don’t think he can be bothered.

Sometimes I think maybe we expect too much from marriage in this modern age. It would be a pretty good marriage if we lived in 1800. I think he thinks our marriage is ok, though he knows I’m not happy. I don’t nag though, I 've come to accept the way things are, and nagging does no good. I just live my life, and he lives his, and that’s that.

So should we try once again to change things, or just let sleeping dogs lie.
 
You sound as if you have “marital depression”…a sense of defeat before the remedy is tried.

I would definitely try it. Sometimes it does not change things, true, but sometimes there is a remarkable awakening. It can be a real turning point. When it is, it changes the happiness of both spouses by orders of magnitude. Do try it, if you’re both willing.

After all, do you want to look back in ten years and wonder “what if?”
 
It’s sounds like you guys should go. Sometimes spending time with each other can heal relationships.
 
I would say go and try and fix it, from the sound of things you have nothing to lose and everything to gain

Pax
 
It’s like chicken soup–it can’t possibly hurt. It’s not going to make things any worse. Even if all else fails, you at least got a weekend away from the house.

There are a few folks I wouldn’t advise it for, such as households where there is actual physical domestic violence going on. Those people need to find separate accommodations before actual tragedy occurs. But that doesn’t sound like the case in your marriage. It just sounds like the relationship is basically on “life support.”

Learning some new ways of relating with each other might help things. Go and keep an open mind.

Sometimes there are actual physical causes for things going bad in our relationships as well, and I don’t think that most people pay enough attention to that. All of that stuff plays havoc with how we feel. If we’re feeling bad, it will probably spill over into other areas.

It also sounds like you are both middle aged, or rapidly approaching it. Have either or both of you been to a doctor recently for a physical exam, even if nothing seems to be going on? Might be time to schedule one. One for each of you. The annual GYN/mammo doesn’t cut it here. How’s your bloodwork? How’s his? My husband looks as healthy as a horse. He had a recent bout of bronchitis, and I seized the opportunity to get him to go see a doctor for a real physical exam. He hadn’t been to a doctor in years.

He found out his blood pressure and PSA were both elevated, and the doctor didn’t even tell him his cholesterol number, just handed him a script for Lipitor. So I’m assuming that his cholesterol level was probably “Land’O’Lakes!”

And I wouldn’t assign marital discord or boredom as the prime reason why he’s sleeping on the sofa, either. It really might be more physically comfortable for him than the bed! We had a seventies vintage waterbed (his idea.) A couple of years ago he started dozing off in front of the TV, and then told me the sofa was more comfortable than the bed. I just felt hurt about it.

About six months ago I experienced a herniated disc. The first thing the neurosurgeon told me was to get rid of the waterbed. I did, and despite the fact I had spine surgery two months ago, we’re sharing the same bed again. I couldn’t believe the difference it made in getting a decent night’s sleep, and in our relationship. Despite still recuperating from surgery, I actually feel younger and more well-rested than when I was sleeping on that giant amoeba! If that mattress you’re sleeping on is more than five years old, drag him along and go mattress shopping.
 
Absolutely go. I’ve never heard anyone say they regret going. You really have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
 
Monicad said:
God bless you and please be assured of my prayers for your family.

You listed your husband’s good qualities, then his bad ones and wrote you have tried to “fix these problems.” I am wondering what YOUR good and bad qualities are. If you feel you are able to share those that would be helpful. I can’t give suggestions on how to fix another person (since it’s impossible) but self-improvement is another matter.

Please take care and, YES go to Retrouvaille!
Click to expand...
My bad qualities:
I give up easily
I’m too passive
I can sometimes be a martyr-- expecting him to read my mind and not asking for what I want/need
I tend to isolate (we both do)
sometimes too task oriented

Good qualities:
patient
flexible (not controlling)
smart
good sense of humor
good mom
thoughtful/kind

So you can see by my faults how we’ve arrived here.
 
constantconvert said:
My husband and I have an opportunity to go to retrouvaille this Spring, and I’m wondering if we should try to fix our marriage or not. We’ve been married for over 20 years. We have 3 kids. We’ve never had a good marriage. We’ve gone to counseling several times, but nothing has changed, so I’m wondering if we should really bother trying. I do not plan on getting a divorce no matter what, so that’s not part of the dilemma.

Let me give you a brief rundown of how things are.

Good things:
we rarely fight
he’s hardworking (at work)
faithful (except for 2 times of adultery early on)
honest
respectful
good dad
good sense of humor
smart

Bad things:
He sleeps on the couch, says it’s more comfy than the bed.
He never talks to me, except for logistical things (ie, “you don’t need to make my lunch today, I have a meeting”). I am really not exaggerating that last point. I am literally jealous of the attention he gives the cat.
We have nothing in common
Does very little around the house-- occasionally he will put up the dishes, and he mows the yard.
Leaves all decisions related to the kids to me (ie: trying to decide whether to have the hospital put ear tubes in our son, he would not give any (name removed by moderator)ut or opinion)

I have tried for years to fix these problems, but now I’m burnt out. He says he will go to retrouvaille if I want to. He’s always willing to try again. But neither one of us really want to dig up all the baggage, etc. For me it’s very painful, and for him, I just don’t think he can be bothered.

Sometimes I think maybe we expect too much from marriage in this modern age. It would be a pretty good marriage if we lived in 1800. I think he thinks our marriage is ok, though he knows I’m not happy. I don’t nag though, I 've come to accept the way things are, and nagging does no good. I just live my life, and he lives his, and that’s that.

So should we try once again to change things, or just let sleeping dogs lie.
Click to expand...
I’m going against the crowd, and say don’t bother. You have tried counseling and nothing changed. You don’t want to dig up any baggage. And going to a retreat where couples are really TRYING to heal the marriage might just make you more envious and resentful. Besides, there are 6-8 weeks of follow-up sessions, it’s not just one weekend and you’re done. The weekend is just the intro and the follow-up sessions help to fill out the bare skeleton. So your husband just doing the weekend isn’t really going to be any magic solution.

Work on what makes YOU happy.
 
Based on what I know of Retrouvaille, I would recommend giving it a try.

And actually, your marriage doesn’t sound that terrible to me, except for his lack of talking to you, which I agree is a big problem. Based on the good qualities that you listed for your husband, it sounds like you might be in a better situation than some couples who go to Retrouvaille.
 
nodito said:
It sounds like what would make her most happy is to have a more communicative marriage.
Click to expand...
I meant other than trying to fix her husband. You can’t squeeze water from a stone, you know.

:rolleyes:
 
It’s hard to know from the OP whether the marriage isn’t great, or whether it’s pretty typical.

How many marriages have this same issue?..the wife wants the husband to communicate more! I have what I consider to be a great marriage, but yes my wife would like me to communicate more…and at times I’d like her to talk less.

Typical conversation in our household:

Wife - “how was your day at work?”

Me - “I’d rather just relax and not relive my day at work”.

Wife - “Oh, mum called and said she wanted to (…blah blah blah…) .and I though (…blah blah blah…) but the problem is (…blah blah blah…) and so I wanted to know what you thought we should do?”

Me - “Sorry, I blanked out. What was that?”

and so on…

So should they go to retrouvaille? I’d say it couldn’t hurt. Any mariage, no matter how good or typical, can always be improved upon…provide of course that the couple want to work on it together.
 
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