Try to restore a broken friendship, or just leave it alone now?

[VivienneJ]

Almost 30 years ago I made a very good friend. Our lives were very similar. The friendship survived many moves, often to the same towns, although our husbands were in very different careers. We relied on letters and phone calls in the early years and later added e-mails and texts to our communications to keep the friendship alive.

For a period of nearly 10 years, following my husband’s death, we did not see each other at all. This was also a bad 10 years when my elder daughter suffered depression, PTSD and other emotional difficulties; my own grief was not processed properly; I enabled my elder daughter to become totally dependent on me to the detriment of her younger sister. A very bad family dynamic developed. Towards the end of this time, with the help of our parish priest, my spiritual advisor and my elder daughter’s psychologist and psychiatrist I took the necessary steps to correct this family dynamic and process my own grief. It was not easy.

It was at this time that my friend had two occasions to spend time with my daughters and me; she also formed a friendship with my elder daughter at this time. Not long after the second visit she sent me a long letter accusing me of pushing my elder daughter aside in favour of the younger one and stating that I needed counselling. She made it clear that she did not want to discuss the matter and it was up to me how our friendship continued. I did reply that there was now a huge chasm between us and our communication dwindled to me responding occasionally to her text messages. Her friendship with my elder daughter continued.

I did meet her and her husband for lunch, in a restaurant, when they were in my town, but this did nothing to clear the hurt I had felt, and certainly did not lead to resuming the friendship.

A couple of years later, I took an overseas job and broke off all communication with this friend. But, during the last two or three years there have been times when I have wondered if I should not reach out to her again. Or should I just leave it now? What would be a Catholic way to handle this situation? (And, yes, I am praying about it too.)

 

[EasterJoy]

I wonder very much if your elder daughter didn’t transfer skme of that dependence onto your friend.

No matter. This is a job for “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.” I don’t mean to excuse her, but to ask if you’ve let go of ill will towards her. That is what is needed, for your sake.

Has she let go of ill will towards you? If so, you have the choice to reconcile and rebuild. It won’t go back yo the way type things used to be, but if you think you could build something with her again and feel that you want to, that’s ok. If she has not let go of ill will towards you, I’d sadly advise you let it drop. You did nothing to her, and if she is holding ill will towards you over imagined offenses or favoring your daughter over you, I’d not go after her. Let that go.

 

[VivienneJ]

I wonder very much if your elder daughter didn’t transfer skme of that dependence onto your friend.

No matter. This is a job for “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.” I don’t mean to excuse her, but to ask if you’ve let go of ill will towards her. That is what is needed, for your sake.

I don’t know about transferring dependence, but possibly some - certainly my friend was only getting one person’s perspective on the matter. I think that was part of what hurt so much, because I had seen her in other situations consider all perspectives.

But, on reflection, I think that what I bolded above is the most important thing in this. That is indeed the question I’m asking myself now. I think that being able to possibly consider some sort of reaching out is an indication that I’m moving to that point.

 

[Lasting_faith]

First of all, I am sorry that you have had so much grief and worries in your life.

If you have done nothing wrong you really don’t need to feel sorry, and it is up to you if you really want or need, this friendship. (Personally I have never had any real friend’s, only people I happen to know, not even my wife was my “best friend”, so I am maybe not the best one to give advice.) If you feel that you need her you must be able to forgive her, and that may be a large obstacle because she don’t feel she has done anything wrong in her mind. Alas, it is always harder to remember the good time then the bad. Thus I don’t see a future for a new friendship with her or her family. What you need is something new, something that does not remind you about all the sadness you have gone thru. But as I did write, I am not the best person to answer this question. Think about your options, and above all, make sure you feel you are ready to warm up the friendship that once was. If there is any doubt in your mind, close the book and cherish the memories and make them part of the golden chain of happy times and days. Sometimes it is best to let things alone and give God a chance to mend what we humans can’t. If it is His will that you will be friends again, you will.

 

[grinev]

A couple of years later, I took an overseas job and broke off all communication with this friend. But, during the last two or three years there have been times when I have wondered if I should not reach out to her again. Or should I just leave it now? What would be a Catholic way to handle this situation? (And, yes, I am praying about it too.)

So if I understand, you and your family were going through a tremendously difficult time and rather than expressing sympathy or offering help, your “friend” accuses you of things that she doesn’t fully understand given the complex family dynamics at that time. Not only that, she takes the word of your daughter. I hope you don’t mind me saying so, but I work with teens and young adults and I know that they do not always present information in a fair and balanced way, especially when intense emotions are involved.

Now you are wondering what the Catholic response is? In my opinion there is no Catholic teaching that dictates who our friends are and who we let into our lives. We are to treat everyone as a neighbor, yes, but we don’t have to be friends with anyone unless we want to. You received an unjust accusation from someone who called you her friend. The loving response is to forgive her, but that doesn’t necessarily mean contacting her and it certainly doesn’t mean that you have to let her back into your life.

BTW this thread touches a nerve because my dad died when I was still in my teens. It was difficult hearing about how so many of her “friends” were not understanding and other friends abandoned her. I think it is hard for those who have not been in the same situation to understand how hard it is. I would let it go and move on.