Trying to be assertive vs charitable

[Anglewannabe]

I was out at a community center at a card party. There is one lady I see quite often who is often rude. Well…I made a mistake and it threw the rotation off. This lady ‘Carol’ started to say in a passive aggressive loud voice ‘Who made this mistake’. The lady who organizes the evening ‘Elaine’ said ‘These things happen I will fix it this way’. Carol would NOT stop and kept repeating that people should pay attention etc.

I know Carol well enough that if I said ‘I am sorry but please don’t use that tone of voice or take it out on Elaine’ it just would have added fuel to her fire and she would have complained more. So I ignored Carol.

So before leaving I apologized to Elaine who said ‘Don’t worry it happens’ to which I replied ‘Yes, but I just don’t like how Carol takes it out on you’ and I left feeling guilty. It bothered me that Elaine got the heat. She is so accommodating to so many people and I dislike how they give her a hard time. Yet, I could not bring myself to just apologize to Carol when she is passive aggressive.

How does one assertively handle these situations? Was it wrong to just ignore Carol. I realize this is just a card game and no biggie in the grand scheme or life. But I do want to start to learn to handle every situation in a manner that is pleasing to God.

Angie

 

[littlenothing]

In my experience working with someone who is passive aggressive and condescending, there is nothing you can do but pray. Serious about that. To borrow from William Scott Peck, passive aggressiveness is “an offensive and defensive machine”. People who are this way as a general way of approaching life are always on the offensive in regard to others and on defense in regard to themselves. You cannot break through.

You have no real choice but to ignore her. When speaking with her in future conversation, tell the truth and be clear, but don’t engage “the machine”. When the passive aggression begins, go back to ignore mode.

 

[Christy_Beth]

Seems to me that ignoring doesn’t fix the problem. I won’t say she needs to be confronted, but there must be a line drawn somewhere. Try to tell her how disruptive her behavior is before she can get started on anything. And see if others feel the same way. At one point in my life I would have just fumed at people like this. All it was doing was hurting me. I’m quicker to speak up now, but I’m still learning the proper way of saying it. Whatever you do, don’t let this go on.

 

[findingmyself08]

While I agree that ignoring the person isn’t necessarily the best option, I wouldn’t say being assertive and confrontational is always the next best option.

Depending on the situation, I sometimes like to add humor to the situation. It can break up some of the tension, particularly if it’s self-defacing humor. In your particular situation that you brought up, if I was near Carol, I might mention that people make mistakes all the time and go into some short story about some recent mistake that I made. While it might not change Carol’s overall attitude, it might put other people around you, including Elaine, at ease.

But in all honesty, if a person is rude, complains a lot, and willingly points out others’ mistakes without considering their own often will not change even if you bluntly point out that they are inconsiderate and rude. If this is really the case with Carol, I can only see one option. Kill her with kindness for you and for Elaine and for all those around you and for all those who are ever treated rudely by others.

Pray for her, but don’t just leave it at that. For every complaint she makes, make some kind comment to her. Overall, be polite, be kind, be loving. Remember - even if they are rude to you, never return the same behavior. As Mother Theresa said, “If you judge someone, you have no time to love them.” So while you can correct their errors, remember you must not judge them for their mis-steps, but love them all the same.