Trying to help a friend not sin

[Cupcake143]

I have a guy friend who is Catholic, and he masturbates. He was telling me how it’s so hard for me to not have dirty thoughts, and thus he has to masturbate. I don’t know much about how a guy thinks or handle those situations so it’s kind of hard for me to give him advice on something I don’t really know. I was trying to help by telling him to read a book before he goes to bed, or to keep busy and only to sleep when he’s very tired. But, he said that doesn’t work. Because, if he doesn’t masturbate or do something to satisfy his thoughts or make his private part go down (sorry, i am not sure what the technical term is because he was trying to be as proper as he could), than it will take him hours to fall asleep. Or, even when he does fall asleep right away he will wake up in the middle of the night with those thoughts and has to masturbate. I feel bad that he has to go through this, because it must be so hard and i am sure he does not want to sin. He says this is normal for guys, especially around the age 25 and up. So, I don’t know. But, does anyone have any advice for this problem?

 

[Tietjen]

I have a guy friend who is Catholic, and he masturbates. He was telling me how it’s so hard for me to not have dirty thoughts, and thus he has to masturbate. I don’t know much about how a guy thinks or handle those situations so it’s kind of hard for me to give him advice on something I don’t really know. I was trying to help by telling him to read a book before he goes to bed, or to keep busy and only to sleep when he’s very tired. But, he said that doesn’t work. Because, if he doesn’t masturbate or do something to satisfy his thoughts or make his private part go down (sorry, i am not sure what the technical term is because he was trying to be as proper as he could), than it will take him hours to fall asleep. Or, even when he does fall asleep right away he will wake up in the middle of the night with those thoughts and has to masturbate. I feel bad that he has to go through this, because it must be so hard and i am sure he does not want to sin. He says this is normal for guys, especially around the age 25 and up. So, I don’t know. But, does anyone have any advice for this problem?

WIthout wanting to sound too prude, you should probably suggest that he speak to a priest. I don’t see how a female friend can or should be attempting to help her male friend with this type of problem. Simply let him know that you’ll be praying for him.

 

[bmullins]

Just to be honest, it sounds like your friend does not want help. The conversation as you presented it does not seem that he so much asked you to help him stop, but that you indicated he should and he made excuses for why he ‘can’t.’ If he wants to stop he will. It’s difficult, but it’s doable. All actions can be addictive, especially when they include chemical releases in the brain. All addictions can be broken with prayer and work.

I also agree with the above poster. A male should not be coming to a female to ask how to stop masturbating. He should be going to a priest, or to another male who understands. We’ve become very lax in this society when masturbation becomes a cross sex table topic

 

[Leegal]

WIthout wanting to sound too prude, you should probably suggest that he speak to a priest. I don’t see how a female friend can or should be attempting to help her male friend with this type of problem. Simply let him know that you’ll be praying for him.

Oh, I agree. No female can “help” a man with this. I don’t think it prudish; I think it wise.

 

[Buck_Crosswhite]

Cupcake, you’re being “hit-on.”

 

[1ke]

Do not discuss such topics with a man. Refer him to his priest.

 

[cviolette]

I agree with the previous poster. It is not something he should discuss with you. He should be talking to a priest or spiritual director.

I have a male friend that tackles the priest almost every time he goes to mass to confess this. I told him that if he was serious about stopping he would be making some progress. It makes me very uncomfortable when he discusses his sex issues with me. Sometimes we think just because they go to mass that they are one of the good guys. But it is not always true. He is as controlling, aggressive and manipulating as the aethiest men I know. It just took me longer to figure it out because we talk religion.

 

[Cupcake143]

Thanks everyone! The first time he told me about this, I actually did tell him to talk to a priest, but I guess it didn’t help him. I also asked him if his brothers have that problem as well. You are all right though; I shouldn’t be giving him advice on this, but I just wanted to help. I don’t even think he was asking me for advice but I felt like I should bc I feel bad that he has to go through that. But, he says it doesn’t bother him that much, but from the way he was talking I think it does. Plus, he recently found God and is a lot more religious, so I am sure he knows this is wrong to do.

 

[VonDerTann]

I’d like to offer a slightly different guy’s take on masturbation.

Many will give the standard “it’s a sin so go to confession” advice. The problem with advice being limited to that is that it lets the guy off the hook: He runs to confession…then does it again.

My take? Masturbation is also wrong because it’s a sign of being a loser.

There is nothing, bar none, to be proud of about masturbating. It’s like porn: It’s an acknowledgement that you can’t have a relationship with a woman where you talk to her like a human being…instead, you focus not on the other but on the self. Worse, “I will pleasure myself” can often become “only I can pleasure myself the way I want to be pleasured.”

Here’s the truth: Many men don’t masturbate. When I hear a guy say he “has to masturbate,” I think: “Are you really that much of a weakling? Man up, stop being gross, and stop it!”

Now, OP, your “friend” says this is “normal for guys, especially around the age 25 and up.” Wrong. It may be “normal” for weak guys who can’t or don’t want to try & resist temptation, but the addiction OP’s friend describes is not normal and unless conquered will inevitably interfere with the friend having a normal relationship with a woman. It may have already – it’s colored his friendship with OP!

Mr. T used to say “be somebody…or be somebody’s fool.” A guy who wants to masturbate is not “being somebody,” far from it.

And to tell a woman about “needing” to? If I were a woman and a guy copped to that, I’d candidly say “GROSS!” and tell him he needed to man up, both in his actions and in what he told people about his (odious) habits…

 

[Cupcake143]

I’d like to offer a slightly different guy’s take on masturbation.

Many will give the standard “it’s a sin so go to confession” advice. The problem with advice being limited to that is that it lets the guy off the hook: He runs to confession…then does it again.

My take? Masturbation is also wrong because it’s a sign of being a loser.

There is nothing, bar none, to be proud of about masturbating. It’s like porn: It’s an acknowledgement that you can’t have a relationship with a woman where you talk to her like a human being…instead, you focus not on the other but on the self. Worse, “I will pleasure myself” can often become “only I can pleasure myself the way I want to be pleasured.”

Here’s the truth: Many men don’t masturbate. When I hear a guy say he “has to masturbate,” I think: “Are you really that much of a weakling? Man up, stop being gross, and stop it!”

Now, OP, your “friend” says this is “normal for guys, especially around the age 25 and up.” Wrong. It may be “normal” for weak guys who can’t or don’t want to try & resist temptation, but the addiction OP’s friend describes is not normal and unless conquered will inevitably interfere with the friend having a normal relationship with a woman. It may have already – it’s colored his friendship with OP!

Mr. T used to say “be somebody…or be somebody’s fool.” A guy who wants to masturbate is not “being somebody,” far from it.

And to tell a woman about “needing” to? If I were a woman and a guy copped to that, I’d candidly say “GROSS!” and tell him he needed to man up, both in his actions and in what he told people about his (odious) habits…

I personally think that masturbating is very gross, but am I going to say that to someone who is struggling with it? No. And, I don’t think it means he’s a weakling. Everyone has a struggle, and this is his maybe. Some things are not that easy to control. I am sure this is a type of addiction.

To tell you the truth, before I knew this about him I always thought he was a pervert and had a dirty mind. But, now I kind of feel bad because I don’t think he can control his hormones that easily. I do think it’s definitely possible, but this is probably be very hard for him to control. And, knowing him as a friend I do think that it would be extremely hard, because I know that he used to be very sexually active with girls, and now that he has become more religious he has stopped doing that. Or, maybe if he got the chance he would, I don’t know. But, I know that he is not a weakling or a loser.

 

[Leegal]

I personally think that masturbating is very gross, but am I going to say that to someone who is struggling with it? No. And, I don’t think it means he’s a weakling. Everyone has a struggle, and this is his maybe. Some things are not that easy to control. I am sure this is a type of addiction.

To tell you the truth, before I knew this about him I always thought he was a pervert and had a dirty mind. But, now I kind of feel bad because I don’t think he can control his hormones that easily. I do think it’s definitely possible, but this is probably be very hard for him to control. And, knowing him as a friend I do think that it would be extremely hard, because I know that he used to be very sexually active with girls, and now that he has become more religious he has stopped doing that. Or, maybe if he got the chance he would, I don’t know. But, I know that he is not a weakling or a loser.

This is not your issue. Discussing it and rationalizing about it is inappropriate.

With all the advice given that you cannot be a help in this, you continue to ruminate. Tell him to see a priest, you will pray for him but that you cannot discuss this struggle with him any longer.

His discussions now lead you to think about this and it’s not appropriate. Not appropriate for him to discuss this with you (which satisfies some need in him) and that you go home to think it over. Why do you think you can help him any more than a priest or male spiritual advisor can? You are waaaaaaaaaay too involved in this man’s sexual practices – even peripherally.

It’s called the near occasion to sin. This is a man to man issue. His sin is his. If you continue with these discussions and thinking it over for him you can become a party to his sin. Do you not see that the discussions are problematic?

 

[cviolette]

I personally think that masturbating is very gross, but am I going to say that to someone who is struggling with it? No. And, I don’t think it means he’s a weakling. Everyone has a struggle, and this is his maybe. Some things are not that easy to control. I am sure this is a type of addiction.

**To tell you the truth, before I knew this about him I always thought he was a pervert and had a dirty mind. ** But, now I kind of feel bad because I don’t think he can control his hormones that easily. I do think it’s definitely possible, but this is probably be very hard for him to control. And, knowing him as a friend I do think that it would be extremely hard, because I know that he used to be very sexually active with girls, and now that he has become more religious he has stopped doing that. Or, maybe if he got the chance he would, I don’t know. But, I know that he is not a weakling or a loser.

I think you were right with your first impression.

 

[PaperPlate]

I’d like to offer a slightly different guy’s take on masturbation.

Many will give the standard “it’s a sin so go to confession” advice. The problem with advice being limited to that is that it lets the guy off the hook: He runs to confession…then does it again.

My take? Masturbation is also wrong because it’s a sign of being a loser.

There is nothing, bar none, to be proud of about masturbating. It’s like porn: It’s an acknowledgement that you can’t have a relationship with a woman where you talk to her like a human being…instead, you focus not on the other but on the self. Worse, “I will pleasure myself” can often become “only I can pleasure myself the way I want to be pleasured.”

Here’s the truth: Many men don’t masturbate. When I hear a guy say he “has to masturbate,” I think: “Are you really that much of a weakling? Man up, stop being gross, and stop it!”

Now, OP, your “friend” says this is “normal for guys, especially around the age 25 and up.” Wrong. It may be “normal” for weak guys who can’t or don’t want to try & resist temptation, but the addiction OP’s friend describes is not normal and unless conquered will inevitably interfere with the friend having a normal relationship with a woman. It may have already – it’s colored his friendship with OP!

Mr. T used to say “be somebody…or be somebody’s fool.” A guy who wants to masturbate is not “being somebody,” far from it.

And to tell a woman about “needing” to? If I were a woman and a guy copped to that, I’d candidly say “GROSS!” and tell him he needed to man up, both in his actions and in what he told people about his (odious) habits…

Yikes… I never knew I was a weakling with no self control. Sure there may not be anything be proud of masturbation but is there anything to be proud of while showering? Anything to be proud of when scratching an itch? Anything to be proud of watching tv? Do abstain from anything you can’t be proud of in private or public?

His behavior going to a woman is odd and creepy sure, most definitely. He is obviously looking for something and it is not advice to stop. But that is different.

Men have sexual drives and urges. Your request to man up is invalid in this context. It is extremely normal for men of all ages to masturbate. Sure many Catholics may suppress this urge, and others may even lack a drive to suppress, but it is completely normal. And a healthy sex drive adds passion to a marriage. God has a mechanism for everything, it’s not just magic passion he sends down to you.

 

[PaperPlate]

Ok wait I wish I could edit posts!!

In the above post I said this:

It is extremely normal for men of all ages to masturbate

I mean “men of age”. Like mid/late teens up to various older ages.

And when I said this:

and others may even lack a drive to suppress

I want to clarify that when I said others I was referring to everyone, not just Catholic men/women.

 

[Cupcake143]

This is not your issue. Discussing it and rationalizing about it is inappropriate.

With all the advice given that you cannot be a help in this, you continue to ruminate. Tell him to see a priest, you will pray for him but that you cannot discuss this struggle with him any longer.

His discussions now lead you to think about this and it’s not appropriate. Not appropriate for him to discuss this with you (which satisfies some need in him) and that you go home to think it over. Why do you think you can help him any more than a priest or male spiritual advisor can? You are waaaaaaaaaay too involved in this man’s sexual practices – even peripherally.

It’s called the near occasion to sin. This is a man to man issue. His sin is his. If you continue with these discussions and thinking it over for him you can become a party to his sin. Do you not see that the discussions are problematic?

You have a point; I can see where this could be problematic, but this discussion happened only 2 times, and the first time he told me, I did tell him to talk to a priest. I never said I think I can help him more than a priest… but he did go to a priest and it didn’t help. He definitely could go to another priest, but he might not care that much to stop, I don’t know. I am not wayyyy to involved either, I just wanted to see if there was any advice I could give him that might help him to stop because I don’t know much about this stuff. I realize now from all of you, that it is not my place and I won’t bother with it anymore. I just don’t like seeing close friends, and of course my family sinning.

 

[bmullins]

Yikes… I never knew I was a weakling with no self control. Sure there may not be anything be proud of masturbation but is there anything to be proud of while showering? Anything to be proud of when scratching an itch? Anything to be proud of watching tv? Do abstain from anything you can’t be proud of in private or public?

Yes, I do attempt to abstain from anything I can’t be proud of in public and in private. There is a fundamental difference in showering, watching tv, scratching an itch; and masturbation. Showering in public is not morally wrong, though it is problematic for an occasion to sin. Men have been showering together since the concept came around. Growing up we had showers in our school where everyone showered together after gym. So showering public itself is not a wrong. There are times when it is indeed appropriate, and inappropriate.

Watching television is the same. I don’t watch things on TV that I wouldn’t watch with my young children in the room. Watching TV is not inherently wrong and there are times when it can indeed be beneficial. Watching a good movie with good moral intent (take Courageous for instance.) So watching television is not a morally problematic thing.

Scratching an itch while being gross, and crude, is not a sin. There are times when it should be done in private, but if my nose is itching there is no harm in scratching it no matter who is there. Scratching an itch is not a moral issue, though it could be if you scratched certain parts of your body in mixed company. It still shows that scratching an itch is not a problem.

Now masturbation… is there any time that it is appropriate to masturbate in public? Never. No one of any intellectual ability would agree that it is ok to do so in front of a bunch of people, unless they are sexually depraved. Without even approaching the concept of sin and the nature of the marriage act, we can already see that the three cannot be compared. You could easily take a shower in front of your friends. You could easily watch TV in front of your friends. You could easily scratch an itch in front of your friends. But would you easily masturbate in front of your friends?

 

[PaperPlate]

Yes, I do attempt to abstain from anything I can’t be proud of in public and in private. There is a fundamental difference in showering, watching tv, scratching an itch; and masturbation. Showering in public is not morally wrong, though it is problematic for an occasion to sin. Men have been showering together since the concept came around. Growing up we had showers in our school where everyone showered together after gym. So showering public itself is not a wrong. There are times when it is indeed appropriate, and inappropriate.

Watching television is the same. I don’t watch things on TV that I wouldn’t watch with my young children in the room. Watching TV is not inherently wrong and there are times when it can indeed be beneficial. Watching a good movie with good moral intent (take Courageous for instance.) So watching television is not a morally problematic thing.

Scratching an itch while being gross, and crude, is not a sin. There are times when it should be done in private, but if my nose is itching there is no harm in scratching it no matter who is there. Scratching an itch is not a moral issue, though it could be if you scratched certain parts of your body in mixed company. It still shows that scratching an itch is not a problem.

Now masturbation… is there any time that it is appropriate to masturbate in public? Never. No one of any intellectual ability would agree that it is ok to do so in front of a bunch of people, unless they are sexually depraved. Without even approaching the concept of sin and the nature of the marriage act, we can already see that the three cannot be compared. You could easily take a shower in front of your friends. You could easily watch TV in front of your friends. You could easily scratch an itch in front of your friends. But would you easily masturbate in front of your friends?

Ok I suppose my post could of been worded differently.
Someone asked if one was proud when they masturbate and I’m saying its irrelevant. Is one proud when they shower? That factor just isn’t a valid argument. Doesn’t say anything about the other arguments though.
And I don’t think I brought up masturbation in public. That is just beyond all limits, ‘social’ and religious.