4
4JudeAndPhilo
Guest
Bear with me, this is going to be hard to explain.
I was raised in a strict Catholic family, and attended Catholic school all the way up thru high school. As a teen I suffered from crippling depression and did something considered sinful in an attempt to feel good about myself and be happy. I did not feel reached out to by my church community, and instead felt shunned. I began to receive very bad signals from those I trusted. At age 16 I became involved with a boy and became pregnant. I wanted to get married and raise my child in the church. However I was told by my school that I would be allowed to attend school if I was pregnant, but not if I was married. This made no sense to me.
I ended up dropping out of school. I got married, had more children, and raised my family. As my kids got older I was able to finish my education and go to college, and involve myself in humanitarian efforts. I met people and experienced things that caused me to question my beliefs. I had 5 children, and every time I had a child the people around me put me down for having too many kids. But it was the Catholics in my life and community who made me feel this way. Yet…birth control is a sin?
I struggled to hold on to my beliefs, and yet my experiences with the church communities were so bad. Again and again I saw social groups based on money and popularity. Again and again my family was excluded and treated badly along with others. My daughter was removed from school halfway thru her first grade year because I didnt have the money to pay tuition. I begged and begged the pastor to work with me and help me but he was cold and unforgiving. I was shamed for being a working mother who could not attend classroom parties and day time meetings, and I was told that if I cared about my kids I would not put money first, and I would quit my job and be home full time. I took my kids out of that school and put them in public school. It dawned on me that this was the experience I had always had growing up. The rich members of the community who had things to contribute were treated like stars and my poor family was never invited to take part in anything. Still, I held on.
As I went on in my education, studying science and space, I found it hard to continue to believe. It feels shameful to even say, but it began to feel silly to even believe in a God. It sounds like a fairy tale. There is so much that doesn’t make sense…I realize that I can not begin to understand the mind of God, or his plans. But so much doesn’t add up. I hear someone bragging that her keys were lost and she prayed and God helped her find her keys…Yet I have so often prayed for things…God please help my son with his Grades, God please help me find a way to pay my electric bill, God please help me find a job… and nothing. People starve to death and watch thier children die and thier prayes arent answered. So why is the lady with the missing keys so much better than the rest of us?
I have met people, beautiful, wonderful people who spend thier lives helping others and giving of themselves- and yet I am supposed to believe that they will go to hell because they were raised as atheists or Buddhists or because they are gay or have certain political beliefs… I do not know how to reconcile all of this in my mind. I struggle and pray for answers.
I find myself drifting away…I haven’t gone to church in almost a year. I still pray every day. It is a constant back and forth struggle. Some times I’m 100% full of faith, and other times I’m 90% certain there is nothing past this life.
I have at times felt like my prayers were being heard and answered, and at other times I felt ignored by God when I needed him most. I know that God has his reasons. But sometimes I am unable to understand what those could possibly be. I could go into detail about that, and about other recent events that have challenged my faith, but I have been long winded enough already!
I want to believe. I want to have a strong faith. I want God in my life. But I really am struggling. I write this not in hopes that someone understands, and that someone has some advice for me that will give me hope.
I was raised in a strict Catholic family, and attended Catholic school all the way up thru high school. As a teen I suffered from crippling depression and did something considered sinful in an attempt to feel good about myself and be happy. I did not feel reached out to by my church community, and instead felt shunned. I began to receive very bad signals from those I trusted. At age 16 I became involved with a boy and became pregnant. I wanted to get married and raise my child in the church. However I was told by my school that I would be allowed to attend school if I was pregnant, but not if I was married. This made no sense to me.
I ended up dropping out of school. I got married, had more children, and raised my family. As my kids got older I was able to finish my education and go to college, and involve myself in humanitarian efforts. I met people and experienced things that caused me to question my beliefs. I had 5 children, and every time I had a child the people around me put me down for having too many kids. But it was the Catholics in my life and community who made me feel this way. Yet…birth control is a sin?
I struggled to hold on to my beliefs, and yet my experiences with the church communities were so bad. Again and again I saw social groups based on money and popularity. Again and again my family was excluded and treated badly along with others. My daughter was removed from school halfway thru her first grade year because I didnt have the money to pay tuition. I begged and begged the pastor to work with me and help me but he was cold and unforgiving. I was shamed for being a working mother who could not attend classroom parties and day time meetings, and I was told that if I cared about my kids I would not put money first, and I would quit my job and be home full time. I took my kids out of that school and put them in public school. It dawned on me that this was the experience I had always had growing up. The rich members of the community who had things to contribute were treated like stars and my poor family was never invited to take part in anything. Still, I held on.
As I went on in my education, studying science and space, I found it hard to continue to believe. It feels shameful to even say, but it began to feel silly to even believe in a God. It sounds like a fairy tale. There is so much that doesn’t make sense…I realize that I can not begin to understand the mind of God, or his plans. But so much doesn’t add up. I hear someone bragging that her keys were lost and she prayed and God helped her find her keys…Yet I have so often prayed for things…God please help my son with his Grades, God please help me find a way to pay my electric bill, God please help me find a job… and nothing. People starve to death and watch thier children die and thier prayes arent answered. So why is the lady with the missing keys so much better than the rest of us?
I have met people, beautiful, wonderful people who spend thier lives helping others and giving of themselves- and yet I am supposed to believe that they will go to hell because they were raised as atheists or Buddhists or because they are gay or have certain political beliefs… I do not know how to reconcile all of this in my mind. I struggle and pray for answers.
I find myself drifting away…I haven’t gone to church in almost a year. I still pray every day. It is a constant back and forth struggle. Some times I’m 100% full of faith, and other times I’m 90% certain there is nothing past this life.
I have at times felt like my prayers were being heard and answered, and at other times I felt ignored by God when I needed him most. I know that God has his reasons. But sometimes I am unable to understand what those could possibly be. I could go into detail about that, and about other recent events that have challenged my faith, but I have been long winded enough already!
I want to believe. I want to have a strong faith. I want God in my life. But I really am struggling. I write this not in hopes that someone understands, and that someone has some advice for me that will give me hope.
But again let His will be done…
And I am almost 30 years younger!!!