Trying to rebuild

[prolifeteenager]

This is my first post in a while, but I have been married now for under a year but still have some guilt for things that happened before I got married. To keep it short, I fell in love with the first man that fell in love with me. He is wonderful, but his family, though catholic, didn’t bring him up well catechized. We began dating long distance with occasional trips to see each other. Then we were engaged. Because of our circumstances (which I won’t go into for privacy sake) We (thought we) were not going to be able to see each other anymore unless we moved near each other. Motivated by sentimentality, hormones and my mother who first suggested it, I convinced him to live with my family. We were successfully chaste. But, I hate myself for it. I realized after the fact that I made myself look like a hypocrite to people around us, my parents lost a sense of boundaries once I was married and moving out has been made 100X more difficult. looking back there was a way it could have worked where my then fiance would not have to live with my family and I. We are now happily married but I still struggle with the past.

I brought my concerns up with my mom a while back and she consoled me and said there was nothing I could do. But deep down, I felt ashamed. Stuck. I got tricked by the devil. I told my finance at the time, my concerns but he already gave up everything and would be homeless if I didn’t give him shelter.

Ive been to confession many times since then but still feel shame. How do I forgive myself and move on?

 

[prolifeteenager]

Just to add, now I am finding my way back to the devout life I had before the temptations. And with it I feel deep regret. I feel unworthy of Gods love and like I don’t belong in catholic groups that seem to have perfect holy lives. I’m not sure how to move forward with these emotions.

 

[Catholic1954]

Just to add, now I am finding my way back to the devout life I had before the temptations. And with it I feel deep regret. I feel unworthy of Gods love and like I don’t belong in catholic groups that seem to have perfect holy lives. I’m not sure how to move forward with these emotions.

I’m sorry, but this post is unclear to me. Just what is it that you regret?

 

[Irishmom2]

Yes, I don’t understand either.

What shame are you talking about?

 

[Marie5890]

I agree with the other two posters. Exactly what are you feeling shame over?
You said it was a chaste relationship.

 

[prolifeteenager]

I’m sorry for not being clear. I’m feeling shame that my husband and I lived together before marriage. Yes it was with my family but I feel like other Catholics judged me for it. Is it not bad if we lived chastely?

 

[PaulfromIowa]

Just to add, now I am finding my way back to the devout life I had before the temptations. And with it I feel deep regret. I feel unworthy of Gods love and like I don’t belong in catholic groups that seem to have perfect holy lives. I’m not sure how to move forward with these emotions.

It is unclear. Do you regret 1. your marriage, or 2. the fact that you and your husband live with your parents, or 3. something else?

 

[Mummsie]

As I understand your issue, you regret “living together” because of what others may be thinking; even though, you remained chaste. I believe the sin you are referring to is scandal. But, you confessed that, right? God has forgiven you. Only the devil is trying to pull you down in shame. Don’t let him! This shame is getting between you and God. Please don’t let that happen. Every time you think of the past, ask the Holy Spirit to guide and teach you today. You are now married and God wants you to be happy in this life. Keep God at the center of your marriage and you will find your joy.

God Bless You.

 

[Catholic1954]

I’m sorry for not being clear. I’m feeling shame that my husband and I lived together before marriage. Yes it was with my family but I feel like other Catholics judged me for it. Is it not bad if we lived chastely?

It is not bad if you lived chastely. You were properly chaperoned by your own parents and it is not anyone’s business. Speak to a priest if you are really concerned by this, but it is a non-issue and you should forget about it.

 

[Beryllos]

As I understand your issue, you regret “living together” because of what others may be thinking; even though, you remained chaste. I believe the sin you are referring to is scandal. But, you confessed that, right? God has forgiven you. Only the devil is trying to pull you down in shame. Don’t let him! This shame is getting between you and God. Please don’t let that happen. Every time you think of the past, ask the Holy Spirit to guide and teach you today. You are now married and God wants you to be happy in this life. Keep God at the center of your marriage and you will find your joy.

God Bless You.

Great advice.

Try not to worry about what other people think, or thought, or may have thought about you. Your reputation, or the way other people understand you, is like a story. People get parts of the story right, and other parts they imagine, or they fill in based on their own experience and world view. It’s important to remember that it’s just a story. It’s not you, not the real you. Concern yourself with your real life, things like your health, your work, your marriage, your calling, and faith and virtue, loving God and others, and showing love to those around you. Live well, and eventually, we hope, people will get more of the story right.

God bless you and your husband!

 

[prolifeteenager]

Thank you all for the advice! As far as scandal goes, I’m not sure if people were scandalized because we kept it quiet. And I guess the question I have is what is my culpability if scandal did happen? The whole time my mom told me it wasn’t a sin and I respect her view as she is a devout Catholic. But I felt bad about it cause the church says not to live with an unmarried person before marriage. Maybe the shame I’m feeling though is the invisible scarlet letter people have project upon me even though I was chaste with my husband during that time.

 

[Irishmom2]

I’m not sure if people were scandalized because we kept it quiet.

Maybe the shame I’m feeling though is the invisible scarlet letter people have project upon me even though I was chaste with my husband during that time.

I am confused because these statement contradict each other.

Either way, it is over and done. You have confessed it, and been forgiven. To continue this line of thinking is time wasting. Please, concentrate on your new life with your husband. This is a wonderful time of learning about each other and growing together.

 

[mommy_k]

You don’t live your life for the acceptance of others. . If your parents were chaperoning u and you did not have relations, you are assuming sin, based on your own thoughts about others perceptions of a situation that was not sinful.

Confessing sin because of how others wrongly judge u , when there s not a sin on your part is taking the blame for something u did not do. If you felt compelled to confess to be on the safe side, then ok, but your mind is taking you places it does not need to go.

You shoud feel blessed to have such a wonderful family that chaperoned you and opened thier door to your now husband.
If someone is treating you different, ask them why and clear it up by telling them this—you have too much mind chatter about this.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

Thank you all for the advice! As far as scandal goes, I’m not sure if people were scandalized because we kept it quiet. And I guess the question I have is what is my culpability if scandal did happen? The whole time my mom told me it wasn’t a sin and I respect her view as she is a devout Catholic. But I felt bad about it cause the church says not to live with an unmarried person before marriage. Maybe the shame I’m feeling though is the invisible scarlet letter people have project upon me even though I was chaste with my husband during that time.

Taking your story at face value, you have zero culpability here. Your feeling a false shame that may have its roots in something other than the act of living chastely with your fiancé. It might help you to look at the difference between guilt and shame.

It seems that Christ’s adversary has found a chink in your armor. I don’t mean some specific action you’ve done, I mean some kind of incomplete formation which is leaving the door open for false accusations to hurt you, wether the accusations are real or imagined. Most people struggle with the same thing, some more so than others. For some it’s just a matter of incomplete formation. For others, it can be related to scrupulosity or some other impediment.

I hope you find peace, the world could use more people like you.

 

[Kaliaa]

Just to add a little more food for thought.

As along as you continue to dwell in the past over a situation that was (as you stated it) not a sin, you are being robbed of time you could spend growing in holiness in the present. As tough as it might be, you must let it go for the sake of your present and the future. As someone else said in a slightly different way “It’s a wheel spinning exercise” taking you no where. Thank God for His many blessings in your life and move on.

God Bless you.

 

[Beryllos]

… I felt bad about it cause the church says not to live with an unmarried person before marriage…

That may be a misunderstanding of the church teaching. The living arrangements are not sinful. Living in the same household “as brother and sister” is not sinful. For some people it would be a temptation to sin by impure thoughts or acts. That is why it is discouraged, not because of sleeping in the same house.

Your mother sounds very wise. You are blessed to have such a family. May the Lord continue to bless you and your husband and your marriage.

 

[Beryllos]

A few more points:

… He is wonderful, but his family, though catholic, didn’t bring him up well catechized…

From what you’ve told us about your courtship, we have no reason to doubt that his catechesis was adequate. You may save him, but for all you know, he may save you.

I used to think that I was holier than my wife, but a good priest at Confession gently suggested otherwise, and that attitude adjustment has helped my marriage. Give it a try.

… Motivated by sentimentality, hormones and my mother who first suggested it, I convinced him to live with my family…

Don’t feel that you were selfish, or that you corrupted him by doing that. Your mom was right. It was a suitable arrangement, allowing you continue your relationship, in a protected environment, until you could marry.

… But, I hate myself for it…

I believe that is the essence of the problem. Everything else is just circumstances. If you can just get over your unnecessary and self-imposed guilt, you will be fine. Please be reconciled. Let yourself be healed. Then let that healing, with the peace and joy it brings, spread out to your marriage and your relationship with your parents.

“Cease to tremble. Prepare to live!”

And once again, God bless all of you.

 

[pianistclare]

You don’t live your life for the acceptance of others. . If your parents were chaperoning u and you did not have relations, you are assuming sin, based on your own thoughts about others perceptions of a situation that was not sinful.

Confessing sin because of how others wrongly judge u , when there s not a sin on your part is taking the blame for something u did not do. If you felt compelled to confess to be on the safe side, then ok, but your mind is taking you places it does not need to go.

You shoud feel blessed to have such a wonderful family that chaperoned you and opened thier door to your now husband.
If someone is treating you different, ask them why and clear it up by telling them this—you have too much mind chatter about this.

This. You’re blessed. Stop worrying.

 

[prolifeteenager]

Wow, I am surprised by the responses I have received. I don’t know why I beat myself up so much. I’ll try to relax.

 

[Reuben_J]

Thank you all for the advice! As far as scandal goes, I’m not sure if people were scandalized because we kept it quiet. And I guess the question I have is what is my culpability if scandal did happen? The whole time my mom told me it wasn’t a sin and I respect her view as she is a devout Catholic. But I felt bad about it cause the church says not to live with an unmarried person before marriage. Maybe the shame I’m feeling though is the invisible scarlet letter people have project upon me even though I was chaste with my husband during that time.

I guess it is more of the shameful feeling after committing a societally incorrect offense - living together before marriage.

You, however, have your reason why that happened. Unfortunate though it was, those kind of thing happened because of the circumstances of your relationship and family.

Aside from that and as you have admitted, both of you had been chaste during that time, you should be proud rather than shamed. You and your family alone provide for your welfare and the arrangement had been made as the circumstances allowed.

We cannot stop what the neighbors would say, you have to accept that reality but do not let that burden you too much especially now that you are closer to God.

More importantly is that you are right with God rather than what the society sees you, which in time, your righteousness will justify and free you.