Trying to regain my faith

[Lookingforjoy]

I’m not sure if this is the right place for this, so please delete or move if necessary.

About five years ago I had a miscarriage. I wasn’t trying to get pregnant - in fact, we thought we were done having kids and I was trying to avoid, and later on in reviewing my NFP chart I couldn’t figure out how I had possibly gotten pregnant. However, my fear quickly turned to joy and I started to embrace our new baby.

Then I miscarried. My husband and parents were sad for a time, but then recovered as if nothing had happened. However, I was so angry at God, so hurt and devastated. I kept attending church because I felt like it was the only way I’d go to heaven and see my child.

Eventually I became pregnant again. I kept going to church for fear that God would take my baby. She was born healthy, was baptized, and going to church and saying rote prayers just became another obligation in my life. I didn’t think much about it - I just did it.

When my kids were old enough for Sunday school I signed them up and, seeing how short-handed the program was, I volunteered to teach as well. I didn’t think much about it -
it just seemed like a very good idea for some reason. I thought it would be helping them memorize prayers, the Commandments, etc, but the curriculum was much different. For the first time I started really considering my faith in light of what I was teaching the kids, which was “God loves you, God wants to be with you, God watches out for you.” It was so dissonant from what I felt, which was that God was a distant figure who did with my life whatever He wanted, who gave and took things as He pleased. I was relieved when summer break came because I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I feel like God re-opened a wound. I was doing okay attending church and saying an Our Father and a Hail Mary every night. But then all of this happened, and now I feel panicky and tearful every Sunday when it’s time for church. I went to Confession today because I had skipped a couple Masses, but instead of feeling better I just feel depressed. I pray and I don’t feel anything. I feel like I’m praying to a brick wall.

I’ve been reading Jesus: A Pilgrimage to try to get closer to God and Jesus, but instead of feeling better, I just feel the ache of loneliness, of wanting to feel something there.

I don’t know what to do, but I don’t think I can keep on just going through the motions. I’m really adrift. Has anyone been in a situation like this? How do I make this better?

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

Hi,

I understand perfectly how you feel , even though I haven’t had the misfortune you have had
A long term friend had a 14 y.o daughter die suddenly in their house from an aneurism
In the brain, was about 15 years ago , for about the first ten years she was extremely angry that God took her baby , and I would say to her that I’m not sure God deliberately said ,
Well Elain your daughters time is up , Aneurisms just happen , like getting a Hernia or Varicose veins or any other of a multitude of ailments, things go terribly wrong ,
It’s how we try to cope with lose , or gross misfortune, so please Dont be angry ,
And don’t feel disheartened that you feel so alone when praying , or doing good works ,
Your good works do not go unnoticed, there are people that notice , people know what you are going through , they just don’t know how to tell you how important you are.

Maybe try praying in a different style , check out YouTube , there you will find prayer in Song ,give it a try,
Take Care

 

[joeybaggz]

Then I miscarried. My husband and parents were sad for a time, but then recovered as if nothing had happened.

Part of me wants to just pass this by insofar as I am male and have difficulty to say the least in understanding your feelings. I do recognize that they are real and painful and I’ll say a prayer or two for you to find that faith.

Having been angry at God myself in the past and somewhat in the same boat, I offer you this. It is a teaching that faith is a gift. Ask for it in prayer and be confident that God will move you to a place where He is.

Jesus taught that we must become like little children for the kingdom of heaven was made for such as them. Look into the faces of little children at church and in life in general. See in their faces pure love, trust, belief, faith, hope, joy, and a sense of wonder. Not because they understand, but because they believe. I think what Christ was telling us was that the key to life is in the simplicity of children. They are totally dependent on their father (and mother) for their life and fulfillment. They believe. Maybe it is the same with your relationship with your heavenly father?

When I stopped turning only inward and began to see life through the eyes of other faithful people (not only children), I began to understand. In his great work, The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis makes the point that Satan always attempts to get people to look inward, concerned only with their own needs and feeling. God through Christ always attempts to get people to look outward. There is a great, at least to my understand, cause for sorrow or joy in those two extremes. Satan - what’s in it for me, Christ - do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It isn’t just a humble and simple platitude. it is a recipe for happiness in this life.

Archbishop Fulton Sheen once said something like, “the only way God can reach some hearts, is to break them.” I don’t like sloganeering, but I have found this thought to be true in my own past. It was breaking me down completely, so much so that I finally came to the understanding that He was the only one I could turn to, and when I did, all the hurts were eventually soothed and life became calm and meaningful again. I admit, that took faith and patience.

I highlighted one statement of yours. This may sound like a bit of a chastisement, but you cannot expect others to feel the depth of a pain such as you suffered. I’m sure they loved you (and still do) but there was a time for them to move on. That’s just normal. Your hurt at their supposed callousness might be an indicator at an attempt on your part to displace some of the hurt you felt. Only a question, not an accusation on my part. Something though you might want to consider.

Sorry if any of this sounds hurtful. it is not meant to be. I am just offering what I have learned in the past when it comes to feeling alone and abandoned.

Prayer said for your intention, and

Shalom.

 

[petra22]

Praying for you to forgive God for taking your little baby. Perhaps there was a medical defect. My mom was a nurse may years ago and she said the body has a way of ending pregnancies that aren’t healthy… maybe this was the case. In any event, God blessed you with another healthy baby. Surely you miss the missing one and you are right, it’s your angel waiting for you in heaven…

Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you.
Blessed are you among women and blessed is the
fruit of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners
NOW and at the hour of our death. Amen!

Saint Michael, the archangel, defend us in battle, be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil, may God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do thou, O’ Prince of the Heavenly host, by the power of God cast into Hell Satan and all the other evil spirits who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

…

 

[Catholic1954]

I am sorry for your loss. You might try some grief counseling to help you get over the pain, anger and guilt of loosing your baby. It is very difficult for us to understand sometimes why God would give us something and then take it back, but His ways are not our ways. Keep praying, especially the rosary, our Blessed Mother knows the suffering of loosing a child.

 

[fred_conty]

My deepest sympathy. There is a special bond and deepest love between mother and child. I know our dearest Lord understands this. Some day you will know’, and just hold on to the cross on which he gave his life for you and yours so that you could be together forever. He loves you so very much, just trust him.

 

[Julie_de_Sales]

I am so sorry for your loss, I do understand how hard it is to trust in God’s love because when I was very young I lost a close family member and 20 years later I still haven’t completely healed from his death. I wish I had an answer, but I would just advise to be commited to Sunday Mass and a time of prayer every day despite the difficulty to attend because if not it’s easier to get even farther away from the faith, at least for me. What also has helped me is to listen to the testimony of people who have endured hardships in their lives and still trusted in God no matter what. Their example is very touching and encouraging and it can straighten us.

 

[Monica4316]

I am sorry for your loss… I don’t know what its like to lose a child but I’ve lost family members in ways that I’m still grieving. It can be hard to trust in God when we don’t understand why things happen. One thing I’ve been considering is that God allows suffering but not with hatred - He wants to bring some good from it we don’t understand yet. We don’t often see how though, until after. That’s when making acts of trust could really help, at first it might seem like you’re not really making an act of trust, but later it becomes easier as trust grows.

Can I also recommend a book? He and I by Gabrielle Bossis has really helped me to open up to God more. I know it must be very hard but try to trust in His love for you despite what happened, because God does not allow anything out of hatred. Sometimes when I’m really struggling I just go to an Adoration chapel and try to just interiorly talk to God there. That often helps people more deeply because of His Eucharistic presence. The more we trust, the more we are able to receive - when we distrust God’s goodness, He wants to help but we block His help even though maybe we don’t mean to. Its something I think most people struggle with at some point. God loves us not despite our weakness but has compassion because of it. God bless you and prayers…