Trying to save marriage

  • Thread starter Thread starter Rachelc5066
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
R

Rachelc5066

Guest
5 years ago I confessed to my husband I had an affair. 3 years ago I caught him in an affair and then in another affair a couple months later. It has been a long slow road to rebuild our marriage after all this.
We have been to counseling - individual and marital, and I think it helped. But at some point there is nothing else to talk about there. We have good communication skills IF we don’t have conflict. There is conflict because I want to move away from all the triggers here - including both OW, and he doesn’t think it will solve our problems so doesn’t want to move - mainly because we both have good jobs.
We really enjoy each other and every else is pretty good. He’s a good husband. But we don’t trust each other like we should. And pain and anger rears it’s ugly head every once in a while from both sides.
Trust - we try but it’s not there like it should be. I can pretend to trust but it’s really not thinking about it, distracting myself, and hoping for the best. The “you have my back” feeling is completely gone.
I’ve asked him to do Retrouvaille with me. He said he would but is not looking forward to it. He’s tired of working on us and talking about “it.”
So, although we are stumbling along, I would sure like to have both feet in my marriage.
any advice?
 
Are you praying together? 🙂 It really does bring couples together. Try thanking God for all the good things you see in each other. Pray together for your relationship. Forgive each other in God’s love. It’s not always possible to forgive with mere human love. Draw on the grace of your marriage for it is a sacrament that confers God’s grace. Ask God for it.

Forgiveness is not an act of our emotions but of our wills. In doing so we need to let go of our hurt feelings, realizing that all of us are poor sinners no better/no worse than anyone else. Pray the rosary or other well known prayer together and apart. Then see what happens.

And all the best on your marriage retreat. If you go in wanting it to help you change your situation it will go a long way towards helping that to happen. Again, it’s a matter of giving our will to God and conforming it to his will and letting go of whatever keeps us from doing that. Sorry if this is a bit jumbled, but I believe these things will truly help you both if you want them to.
 
Hi I’m not married so I can’t offer advice on marriage and solving problems but what I can tell you is that I know of marriages that have worked through similar problems by getting healing and deliverance with a priest or lay minister. I’ve had healing and deliverance for my own problems and one thing that I’ve learned is when we sin we open ourselves up to a lot.

MATHEW 12:43-45
When the unclean spirit has gone out of a
person, it passes through waterless places
seeking rest, but finds none. Then it says, ‘I will
return to my house from which I came.’ And
when it comes, it finds the house empty, swept,
and put in order. Then it goes and brings with it
seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they
enter and dwell there, and the last state of that
person is worse than the first. So also will it be
with this evil generation.”

I hope this makes sense and helps you and your husband. I will be praying for your marriage and for God’s will to be done.
 
Della said:
Are you praying together? 🙂 It really does bring couples together. Try thanking God for all the good things you see in each other. Pray together for your relationship. Forgive each other in God’s love. It’s not always possible to forgive with mere human love. Draw on the grace of your marriage for it is a sacrament that confers God’s grace. Ask God for it.

Forgiveness is not an act of our emotions but of our wills. In doing so we need to let go of our hurt feelings, realizing that all of us are poor sinners no better/no worse than anyone else. Pray the rosary or other well known prayer together and apart. Then see what happens.

And all the best on your marriage retreat. If you go in wanting it to help you change your situation it will go a long way towards helping that to happen. Again, it’s a matter of giving our will to God and conforming it to his will and letting go of whatever keeps us from doing that. Sorry if this is a bit jumbled, but I believe these things will truly help you both if you want them to.
Click to expand...
👍
 
Rachelc5066 said:
5 years ago I confessed to my husband I had an affair. 3 years ago I caught him in an affair and then in another affair a couple months later. It has been a long slow road to rebuild our marriage after all this.
We have been to counseling - individual and marital, and I think it helped. But at some point there is nothing else to talk about there. We have good communication skills IF we don’t have conflict. There is conflict because I want to move away from all the triggers here - including both OW, and he doesn’t think it will solve our problems so doesn’t want to move - mainly because we both have good jobs.
We really enjoy each other and every else is pretty good. He’s a good husband. But we don’t trust each other like we should. And pain and anger rears it’s ugly head every once in a while from both sides.
Trust - we try but it’s not there like it should be. I can pretend to trust but it’s really not thinking about it, distracting myself, and hoping for the best. The “you have my back” feeling is completely gone.
I’ve asked him to do Retrouvaille with me. He said he would but is not looking forward to it. He’s tired of working on us and talking about “it.”
So, although we are stumbling along, I would sure like to have both feet in my marriage.
any advice?
Click to expand...
Hi Rachelc5066!!
I can understand pain of “working through” issues with your spouse.
(I recently went through a tough period with my wife that seemed to “kill” our emotions)
One thing that kills the majority of marriages is resentment that builds up unknowingly between the both of you then it will just “unexpectedly” explode and surprise (at the moment) the both of you.
I can attest to the male perspective that men want to “move on” from issues and sort of “let them die” by not mentioning them or bringing them back up. But the reality is that not FULLY addressing the issues can and will lead us (or at least a man) to be exposed for parasites to creep in our minds and begin their work. These parasites will lead us to think that the other partner has ulterior motives or that we can be justified in our “mean” actions because the other was/is responsible for the current situations.
I have learned from my wife (tough process but it happened and worked) that when we argue we should let the emotions settle then readdress the issue with clearer minds. We told each other our feelings even if it may seem hurtful to express. Then we reassure the other of our true intentions and feelings for the other.
Again as a man this was very hard because I don’t want to spend many hours talking about the “same thing” and am not very good at expressing my emotions and intentions verbally. But for the love of my wife and our marriage I know I need to make sacrifices that include personal concessions (like my temperament, patients, and even let go of pride). Once all deep feelings are out and we are both reassured of our TRUE feelings for one another it always feels amazing!
My wife is usually the one driving the effort but it has saved us from so much and we can enjoy each other like the fresh happy days when we first dated.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top