Trying to save my marriage

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Bikerider68

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Hi all. This is my first post and it comes to you out of deep concern. I have (romantically/sexually) neglected my wife over the past 5-10 years. I have not cheated with anyone. For some reason that I can’t figure out, I am not attracted to her sexually. I love her very much. She is the sweetest, kindest, most honest person you’ll ever meet and she is beautiful also. I just don’t understand whats going on. I am attracted to other women and find them attractive so its not that. My wife is coming to the end of her patience with me over this. She hasn’t mentioned the “D” word yet but I’m sure it won’t be long before she does. I can’t figure it out. I’m scared that my family is going to crumble because of this and don’t know what to do. I’m Catholic and she’s Episcopalian but she teaches at the Catholic school where our daughter goes. Neither of us go to Church regularly. If anyone has any prayers they can recommend or anything I can start doing to get this fixed I would be very gracious. Thank you all.
 
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I will pray for your situation and there are probably marriage strengthening programmes out there for you to use. I would also recommend to go to church every week.
God bless you
 
Can I ask what you have tried so far, or are you just recently starting to try to work on it? Was there a point when you stopped finding her attractive? (I assume you must have been attracted to her at some point or you would not have married her.) How much have you and she talked about it? (I don’t think you should tell her that you are not attracted to her; that would be deeply hurtful as a woman.)

If you haven’t done so already, you need to have an honest talk with her and admit that you have been neglectful of her and that you are going to change. And then make sure that you do. 🙂 You do love her, so I would say start acting like it, and the feelings will follow. Are you physically affectionate with her (hugs, kisses, touching)? Do you make time to talk together, have little date nights, pitch in with household chores? Tell her that she is beautiful and sweet and kind and all the things you mentioned above. When she is receptive toward it, start regularly initiating intimacy toward her again. This will likely take a lot of time and patience, especially since you say you have been neglecting her for 5-10 years.

Definitely get some marriage counseling as well, but make sure you find someone who is committed to helping you save your marriage, and not suggest divorce. One good option is The Pastoral Solutions Institute: catholiccounselors.com/ They can counsel you over the phone, if you are not near their area. Another option which is not counseling but which many couples have found helpful is Retrouvaille: helpourmarriage.org/

I have only been married a few short years, so I am sure that others who are more experienced will have more in-depth advice to give. I wish you the best and will remember you in my prayers.
 
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Sometimes when the couple is out of sinc sexually it’s because there is underlying anger or resentment that has gone unaddressed.
 
Hi. I am a man and a husband. So, perhaps that is where we have something in common.

About you’re not being sexually attracted to your wife but you do to other women. I am trying to guess that there is some psychological barrier involves in this. Whatever it is but which you need to overcome or figure it out.

Basically, it should not be a problem for you because you are a man that can be sexually attracted to women. Just change that focus to your wife. The rest is all up to you in how you do it.

Perhaps, starts with love. You will be lying to yourself if you say you love her but cannot have sexual union with her while you can find other women can be attractive to you. Think about it and be honest in your self-examination…

God bless.
 
Love is a decision. Love is a choice. You no longer feel attracted to her. I’d say many a married couple have experienced this. The “high” people feel when they first fall in love doesn’t last forever. Real love is a decision, a choice you make again and again each and every day. And so now, you have to make a choice. Choose to be romantic with her. What makes her feel loved? Acts of service? Gifts? Holding hands? Doing activities together? Kind words? Find out what she needs and do those things for her, even if you don’t feel any romantic feelings. Have marital relations with her, even if you don’t feel like it. You vowed to be true to her for life, and now you must choose to honor that vow by choosing to do things that meet her emotional need for love even if you no longer have feelings of attraction. Love is a choice.
 
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Sorry for delayed responses. I was sent to a class for work and did t have any free time to reply.

Thanks for all the replies. I feel like I’m getting it worked out. Will keep you updated.
 
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