Trying to Save My Relationship

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vtsunsets

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I am new to this site. I have always believed in putting my faith in God’s plan. He led me to this wonderful Catholic man (I too am Catholic) whom I have adored for so many years. We’ve always been friends however a couple of months ago that bloomed into a love that I never thought I would ever have. I have read other threads here on communication and I rightly admit that we had numerous miscommunications over these past months that have snowballed. I hurt him with words. Words that I never meant to hurt but rather to get him to realize my frustrations. When he indicated that I had hurt him I immediately apologized did everything that I could to readjust my ways, to show him how much I appreciated him, how much I love him. I’ve never doubted his love. I’ve never not trusted him. My first husband beat me and threatened to kill our children. I stayed with him because I believe that vows made before God were meant until death due us part. After 13 years it needed to end. I’ve forgiven him and have not been in a relationship since. I haven’t been intimate with anyone since because I do believe in the sanctity of marriage. Now I am faced with not knowing what to do. I love him and can see us being happy together for a very long time. I respect him so much.:confused: :confused: He says he doesn’t feel the same about me anymore. That he can’t go back to the feelings he first had. That he feels crowded. Do I just walk away? Do I try something different? I know he still cares. I know what it’s like to be afraid of being hurt. If we weren’t both so adament that this had been God’s plan for us to be together … I don’t know what to do. Help… please… we definately got stuck in a Mars vs. Venus situation. I believe we can work things out but it takes two.
 
vtsunsets said:
…I rightly admit that we had numerous miscommunications over these past months that have snowballed. I hurt him with words. Words that I never meant to hurt but rather to get him to realize my frustrations…
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Not sure exactly what to offer w/o knowing context/content of the verbal dispute or misunderstanding.
 
I believe the main “verbal abuse” that I am responsible for was that I sent him an email calling him selfish. He is a very compassionate man. I sent the email because I was hurt and scared. At the time that I sent it I was in a hospital receiving a blood transfusion and was surrounded by other patients who were dying. I had wanted him to be with me to hold my hand. I never came out and asked him directly. He had been gone for the weekend with his children to a function they had planned for many months. When he returned (on the Monday) I brought him breakfast and was planning on asking him to come with me. However it was apparent he was in a hurry to get to work. Even though he took 45 minutes to visit with me I could not ask him to take a day off from work when it was apparent he was in a hurry to geth there. I kept waiting for him to ask me If I wanted him to come with me but the question never came. I know that had I asked he would have came so I was wrong to send the email.

Another example is I sent him versus from the bible about forgiveness. He took my email to mean that I am saying that he doesn’t walk the talk so to speak. I don’t believe that to be true but…

Another example: he teaches confirmation class and is very open and honest with the teens. He is scheduled to teach a retreat on sexuality. I was concerned because my daughter, his daughter and their friends were all in the class and thought that it might cause some discomfort on their part. He took it to mean that I didn’t trust what he would say to them and that I thought he would put us in front of them all. He’s very open that he was a virgin until he was 28. We also have not been intimate as he is waiting for marriage.

One misunderstanding after the other…
 
Ok, first off was your previous marriage annulled? Because that’s the first question to ask. If it wasn’t, you need to see to that before pursuing a relationship with this man.

Secondly, I think you need to stop emailing things that can be taken in the wrong context. Communication seems to be a big problem for you both and the problem with online communication is that a lot can be lost that would be obvious from a person’s expression or intonation.

And, finally, I have to agree with the guy you were dating–him teaching a religion class touching on sexuality in which your daughters are attending shouldn’t be a problem. You want someone who is upfront and straightforward about the Church’s teachings on sexuality and that’s the kind of person you want to marry if God leads you back to him. There shouldn’t be any cause for embarrassment–especially if you have considered that he may be a stepdad to your kids. Sexuality is something that parents should teach their kids about, and, as you said, you and he have had a pure relationship.
 
Yes, I had begun the annullment procedure prior to having dating him.

You are so correct about the emailing issues and intonation. As well as the whole sexuality class. I envy the relationship he has with his children and his ability to be so open and direct. That’s always been a challenge for me, as that is not how I was brought up. I even find it difficult to tell him that just by being around him I was becoming a better person with even that striving to be more open. After we spoke of the class I was fine, but I apparently don’t really think things through on my own before I bring things up to him.
 
In looking at how horrific your first marriage was with physical and mental abuse, did you ever seek counseling for that experience? As I read through your post, it seems that you could have some residual feelings from that relationship that are being displaced onto this one. Even though a lot of time has passed since that marriage and this relationship–you didn’t have anyone in between to see how you might be in a relationship. This sounds like the first relationship since your marriage, and it could be that you are concerned over being mistreated again…so you are hedging things off in advance, so to speak, by telling this man he is selfish, and ‘crowding’ him.

If you are free to date–and have not sought counseling for the damage done to you in your marriage–I’d probably start there first. If you have been in counseling, I might revisit it. I think it might be helpful to talk over your past, and this relationship, and see if there are any connections between the two…for you. Like you are crowding this new man, because you are feeling some leftover things from your past–which you might not even be aware of.

You seem like a very reasonable woman, and I hope this works out. If it is meant to be…if God wants this relationship for you–He will put together the pieces that are not fitting. He will make it all work out. I would not chase this man though. If he wants space right now, then I’d give him that. To me, there was nothing worse when I dated guys, and broke things off…and the guys kept calling or stopping over to see if I’d take them back…or would tell me they changed.

Just work on what you can–and if things are meant to be…if he is God’s will for you…then, it will happen.

Praying for you.
 
and you also comment that ‘he is waiting for marriage.’ (to have sex) Does that mean, you and he are not in agreement? I ask, because I wondered why that sentence didn’t state…‘we,’ and not ‘he.’ Are you both on the same page with waiting until marriage for sex, or does that trouble you? Again, I just ask because of the way you phrased that sentence. Just curious.:o
 
vtsunsets said:
I am new to this site. I have always believed in putting my faith in God’s plan. He led me to this wonderful Catholic man (I too am Catholic) whom I have adored for so many years. We’ve always been friends however a couple of months ago that bloomed into a love that I never thought I would ever have. I have read other threads here on communication and I rightly admit that we had numerous miscommunications over these past months that have snowballed.

…]

My first husband beat me and threatened to kill our children. I stayed with him because I believe that vows made before God were meant until death due us part. After 13 years it needed to end. I’ve forgiven him and have not been in a relationship since.

…]

Help… please… we definately got stuck in a Mars vs. Venus situation. I believe we can work things out but it takes two.
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vtsunsets, I have to say you’ve done extraordinarily well here. You have every, every reason to hope for a restoration of a good relationship. Admitting you were hurt and scared and did something poorly is a feat many people never manage, much less with your history.

Please do realize that the damage you sustained makes any relationship very, very difficult. It’s going to be a lot like a paraplegic recovering enough to run a marathon. Your friends, including this man, need to recognize the difficulties involved. I really do suggest he meet with a professional counselor, preferably Catholic, who can explain to him the difficulties you face.

Where your relationship goes is another question. Restoring respect comes first, and is valuable no matter what happens beyond that. Canon law regarding marriage is an issue for the future - right now, healing the relationship back to mutual respect and deep friendship is the main priority. You probably need professional help with that. Don’t be afraid to seek it out.
 
He was a virgin until he was 28, but he is waiting to have sex until he’s married . . . ??

Maybe I’m old-school, but I think that ship has sailed.

marietta
 
You mentioned that he has children. Is he free to date? I ask because if he has been married, then he would have had to receive a declaration of nullity before he could pursue a relationship with you. Perhaps he really does need a little bit of breathing room just now.

You’ve already apologized (profusely, it sounds) for lashing out at him when you were hurt. Why not give him some time to consider how much you mean to him? If it were I, I think I would leave him alone for a little while. But first, send him a card, and tell him what he means to you in a gentle, restrained manner. Then let him come to you.😉
 
udoc89 writes:

You mentioned that he has children. Is he free to date? I ask because if he has been married, then he would have had to receive a declaration of nullity before he could pursue a relationship with you. Perhaps he really does need a little bit of breathing room just now."

Lots of people pursue other people with the intention of beginning a new relationship without benefit of a “declaration of nullity”. If anyone is to maintain adherence to the teachings of the Catholic Church, it should be the OP because she is utterly powerless to control this “wonderful Catholic man”. If the “declaration of nullity” is a deal-breaker, she will know not to advance any further unless and until he can provide such a document for her to see.**

udoc89:

" . . . But first, send him a card, and tell him what he means to you in a gentle, restrained manner. Then let him come to you."

This woman has apologized way beyond her culpability. Leave the manipulative card in the bureau drawer and see if he doesn’t just make a move on his own.

marietta
 
Vtsunsets, you cannot be held liable for something you said when awaiting transfusion, surrounded by dying people and all alone. Perhaps the name calling was excessive, but I would have felt the same in your situation. If I had a girlfriend and I were receiving blood transfusion in case of a serious medical condition, I would certainly not appreciate her not asking if I wanted her to be there. It would make me ask myself questions.

As for the sex ed class, it seems to me you exaggerated in your reaction, but it also seems to me he exaggerated more than you did.

As for the nullity decree, one needs to keep in mind that it is not “annulment” - it relies not on nullifying marriage but on examining whether the marriage was contracted at all or not. What is relevant is the moment when the couple were taking their vows. What happened later is only evidence. Marriage needs to be presumed valid until proven otherwise. Therefore this should come first. In case the marriage is not found null (which doesn’t seem likely but the possibility exists), you don’t want to be in the middle of a relationship you’d need to give up.

I’m not telling you to get him out of your life entirely, but that it’d be better to stick to friendship right now.
 
marietta said:
udoc89 writes:

You mentioned that he has children. Is he free to date? I ask because if he has been married, then he would have had to receive a declaration of nullity before he could pursue a relationship with you. Perhaps he really does need a little bit of breathing room just now."

Lots of people pursue other people with the intention of beginning a new relationship without benefit of a “declaration of nullity”. If anyone is to maintain adherence to the teachings of the Catholic Church, it should be the OP because she is utterly powerless to control this “wonderful Catholic man”. If the “declaration of nullity” is a deal-breaker, she will know not to advance any further unless and until he can provide such a document for her to see.**

udoc89:

" . . . But first, send him a card, and tell him what he means to you in a gentle, restrained manner. Then let him come to you."

This woman has apologized way beyond her culpability. Leave the manipulative card in the bureau drawer and see if he doesn’t just make a move on his own.

marietta
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Until a person has a declaration of nullity their previous marriage is considered valid. A married person should not pursue romantic interests until their marriage is proven invalid. Vtsunsets, you mentioned he is a wonderful Catholic man, maybe he is waiting to make sure your previous marriage wasn’t valid? Was he in a marriage too? (You mentioned he has daughters) If so, maybe he is awaiting to see if he is free to marry?
BTW, I would be worried too about the whole sexuality class, I think he should have respected your concerns, you are the mother of your daughters. I don’t think you overreacted.
Also, having a blood transfusion is a big thing, I’m sorry you had to go through it and I hope you are feeling better now. I don’t know how/what you said, but I do think that in a secure relationship it should not cause a break-up, maybe he needed the space and just grabbed on to whatever. I guess I just want to make sure you don’t beat yourself for having said this or that. I’m sorry if I wasn’t much help 😦
 
This woman has apologized way beyond her culpability. Leave the manipulative card in the bureau drawer and see if he doesn’t just make a move on his own.]

She certainly has, as I pointed out. I fail to see how a card that simply says “I love you” is manipulative. This is simple, direct honesty–minus the groveling. He will either respond, or he won’t.
 
Give him his space right now. When we are hurt through others words we tend to stay mad for awhile and then it wears off. If it is meant to be he will approach you and let you know he is ready to talk it out. I wouldn’t send the card but that is just me.

Did he accept your apology or do you think he was just politely using this instance to back away? Only you can know this. Use your intuition to figure this out. What is your gut telling you? Definately don’t call him!

I don’t know how long he has had between his last marraige or relationship. Perhaps it is not long enough. My advice is don’t call, don’t write and just let him be. If he is not ready than nothing you do will change that. If he is ready, he will let you know.

It is difficult to just let go, but you must. That doesn’t mean its over, just that he needs time to heal and contemplate.
Pursuing him could only drive the wedge between you further. That is the last thing you want.

It really hurts to hurt someone unintentionally because sometimes we can’t take back our words. You may have portrayed yourself as needy through your lashing out. Thus do the opposite now and completely back off. He may come to the conclusion that you are not as needy as he first thought.

I will pray for you my friend.
 
Everyone thank you for your kind words,encouragement and advice. I have sent him a card (telling him how much our relationship means to me) as well as an email outlying all the reasons why I love him.

He was married but has been divorced for 13 years.I must admit that I am not sure if he has received an “official” annulment of his marriage but I believe that he has. As stated before, mine is in process.

I wish I was feeling alot better-though I am not and will most likely require another tranfusion in the next week. I also think though that the problems between us is also having an effect on my health.

I am attempting to give him the time that he needs without too many calls or emails. I say too many because it’s hard to go cold turkey, though he will be heading to Saudi for a week on business so that should give us each some time away.

It’s a difficult time with the holidays upon us. I can’t imagine not sharing Christmas with him. I have already brought gifts for him and his children. What do I do with them? When do I drop them at his home? leave on the doorstep?

Any thoughts?
 
You have done what you can. Take care of your health now, and don’t worry about him, Honey!

You will be in my prayers.

Kathleen
 
“I love you” is the most manipulative phrase in any language, fraught with unspoken expectations and hopes. If multiple apologies don’t get this guy to come around, “I love you” will probably anger him.

"“He will either respond or he won’t,” udoc89 tells us. He should have responded by now. “I love you” would be groveling.

vtsunsets: I hope you saved your receipts for all those gifts.

marietta
 
You are braver than I. I haven’t tried to have any relationship with anyone since I left the non-marriage.

Others here are correct. You need to make sure you have come to terms with what you endured as a wife at the hands of your abuser and how it affected you and continues to affect you and your ability to trust, your readiness to believe that you are on your own and not supported, and your quickness to perceive selfish motives in others. You have been conditioned for a decade and a half to believe that’s how a man operates in a relationship.

The annulment process helps go through all that and it rips open the scars. It brings about some self knowledge.

I’m concerned about the guy in question here. Having been the wife left to recover from surgery alone… horrible story. I understand why you lashed out.

I’m concerned that when you said sorry, he continues to be unforgiving.

Are you sure you haven’t found yourself with someone who has many of the same qualities as the ex?

This one might be cleaned up on the surface, but I’m seeing communication issues here.

If he can’t show more compassion, then maybe he’s not your destiny, but an education and a steppingstone for you.

Red lights flashing is all I’m saying. If he knows how you’ve been treated in the past and still comes down harshly on you, then maybe he isn’t the man for you.
 
Thank you for all your prayers they are very appreciated!

I just got off the phone with him. My daughter was injured this evening and has a concussion so I was speaking with him. We are working hard to continue speaking as friends. However I agree with all that you have all said…I need to give him his space and allow him to come to me when he is ready. That doesn’t mean that I won’t see him (Saturday we will both be collecting for the food shelf along with our respective classes that we teach religion to)however currently the tension is thick. I appreciate your comment about returning the gifts however I know what it is like to be alone on christmas and believe that having something from someone to open can ease the loneliness a bit. I guess I’m also holding out hope that with space given between now and then that he will choose to want to spend the holiday with me and my children.

God Bless You All. It’s nice to know there are friends out there that I can speak to.
 
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