Trying What Seems The Impossible

[smc]

Hello everyone.

So, yeah, I’m trying the impossible. I’m trying to explain to my girlfriend that I have had a conversion of heart and want to make our heretofore sexual relationship pure. She ain’t Catholic and it went as well as you think it would. It was a disaster.

“I feel so rejected and used.” “This is the worst I’ve EVER felt in a relationship.” And the one that I can’t argue … “You should have told me that to start with.” All my attempts at trying to explain that I am trying to give her more and not less are met with sarcasm and dismissals. I AM at fault. This is not me trying to ‘blame’ her. She is right in that I didn’t state it (purity) at all.

I can either go with the flow in the relationship and have a relationship with God that’s really lacking. Or, I can stick to my guns and, most likely, have the relationship with her end and feel like crap (which I probably should).

Is that how y’all see it? I’ll take any and all wisdom. Again, I truly am at fault and, as the guy, have said typical “female” lines (respect the relationship, I want more, trust me, etc.). Thank you everyone.

 

[adamhovey1988]

Tell her it’s BECAUSE you care about her you have made this choice. Explain it to her calmly, and tell her why you’ve made that decision.

 

[PatK63]

Stick to your guns. People change through life experiences. We hope we are better as we seek and learn the truth. If someone is not willing to accept growth and change, they are a poor candidate for marriage IMO.

 

[EZweber]

I think that if your girlfriend is not open to purity, all you can do is pray for her and probably break up. It will be hard, but in the end it will be best for both of you. Of course, if she has a change of heart, you can continue your relationship, but I would break up. Ask the Virgin Mary and St. Maria Gorreti (the patron saint of purity) daily to help you keep to your courageous commitment to purity.

 

[QwertyGirl]

Basically, you are renegotiating the terms of the relationship. Only you can decide what you are willing to do or not do. Of course, your girlfriend gets to make the same choices.

You have to be true to yourself. If you aren’t true to yourself, it is pretty hard to be true to anyone else.

What I would not recommend doing is trying to convince her to your way of thinking. You already explained it, and she isn’t good with it. I would let the part of it go. And most importantly, don’t say anything that will give her the impression you are passing judgement on her because she doesn’t see things the same way you do. That would be very unkind.

I always say that if you are in a relationship, make sure the other person has the same core values as you. You don’t have to agree on everything, and there certainly is no guarantee that one or the other of you won’t change your values as time goes on. But don’t stay with someone with the idea that you think you can change them, particularly where values come in.

Truthfully, you have decide if this is a dealbreaker and then move forward accordingly. Don’t lead her on. Rip the bandaid off quickly, if that is what you decide is needed.

 

[TheLittleLady]

This sounds like a clear message that you need to let this young lady walk away.

In the future, seek to date women who have the same religious convictions as you.

 

[on_the_hill]

No, it doesn’t seem impossible.
It IS impossible.

I’m thinking of how my own daughters (and my wife) would react and there’s no way you come out of this without looking like a jerk (at the very best).
Sorry, man. You can’t patch it up.
Girls/women put a lot more emotional investment it than guys do.
Take it as one of life’s lessons and don’t make the same mistake again.
The most honorable thing at this point is to break up with her. Apologize, explain yourself, take your lumps, and walk away. The less said the better.
And don’t try to date anyone she knows.

 

[on_the_hill]

And most importantly, don’t say anything that will give her the impression you are passing judgement on her

It’s too late at this point. Whether he meant it as judgement, that’s what happened.

 

[Brian_K]

From the sound of it your spiritual life developed in a positive direction during the course of the relationship, so it’s not like you were aware of the need for purity at the outset and decided to spring this on her to be cruel. It sounds like you’re in difficult situation, largely due to our culture’s permissive attitude toward extramarital sex. So, like others said, stay strong in our purity and allow her to leave, be as kind as possible, but also don’t beat yourself up too much. Ok, you made a mistake. But you learned from it, are being as kind to her as you can, and are growing closer to God as a result. Sounds to me like you’re moving in a positive spiritual direction, bumps, bruises and all!

 

[smc]

Thank you all for the replies. It sounds that, pretty much, if she isn’t going to walk with me on this journey then that’s it. Objectively, that is pretty much the way I see it.

I took the issue (premarital relations) very seriously prior to this relationship but quickly crumbled once affection was shown. I failed in not laying out the guidelines or even broaching it, if you will. The spirit was willing but … well, my flesh was weak.

As problems started occurring in the relationship this issue grew. I wonder if this would have been an issue at all if all the other things were fine. Maybe God was using all those other issues to go ahem ahem. I see it as a blessing insofar as if the relationship can’t go through this then it wasn’t going to last. And if it does outlast this…awesome!

I fear I may ‘go along to get along’ and almost try to ignore what seems inevitable. Any pointers, should it come down to it, on how to end it? Tease me if you will. I know I sound like a teenager.

 

[smc]

Thanks for the candor on_the_hill. No snark intended on my part.

there’s no way you come out of this without looking like a jerk (at the very best).

Yeah. That’s been hard for me to really ‘get’. I am NOT trying to be a man who gets his and then is walking away. I really want to convince her that I’m not using her. That, more than anything else hurts. However, that’s how it feels to her. I tried to explain that it’s because I want the relationship to last that I’m doing this. But holy dismissal and sarcasm.

What do you say? Take my lumps?

 

[whatistrue]

What do you say? Take my lumps?

Absolutely. It doesn’t matter if it was not your intent, it is sufficient that it can be seen that way from the outside. In cases like this it is sufficient to state your case as best you can once and answer any questions that come with complete honesty, then let the chips (or rolling pins for those of us of a certain age) fall where they may.