Tubal Ligation Regret

[Speak_Up]

. Second off, if I risked the anesthesia to get the tubal done in the first place, clearly I was willing to risk the slim but possible side effects. Was it worth the risks to get the tubal?

You seriously want to justify her making a bad choice, by saying that she made one before? That’s the same rationale as telling an abused woman she can’t leave her marriage, because, well, she took the risk to marry him, so now she has to take the risk of staying with him. Seems ridiculous when I put it that way, doesn’t it?

No one should ever take the risks of surgery unnecessarily. When she and I did it for our tubals, it was a bad choice. The fact that we made one bad choice does not dictate that we must make another bad choice. Jeez, how would people ever repent under THAT system?

I guess I missed the part about her being able to afford it. I still say she shouldn’t do it. Whoever said that reversals usually fail is right… they have a terrible success rate. That money would be better spent being put into a college fund for the kids, or on counseling and treatment for her husband’s depression.

 

[Cider]

You are the one doing the justifying here, not me.

 

[Speak_Up]

Cider, did you even read the rest of my post? I tried to give TallyGirl some real-life honest advice as to what she needs to do to get out of this emotional hole she has dug herself, and to move on and try to live a healthier, happier life. Nowhere in my post did I justify anything, including my own choice. Did you read the part about how I went to Confession, felt the same grief she does? I never said what she did or I did was right, but the fact is, we did it, and now we have to get on with life. We have to be grownups and meet the obligations of the lives we have built, the children we do have, the spouses who need our care and love. That’s what my post was about.

So stop trying to make me a bad guy because I did something you don’t like. The whole point of repentance and Confession is healing. I healed. Sometimes I still feel sad, and like I disappointed God, and I mourn for babies I might have had. But I healed, and learned to give thanks for what I have, and to live anyway, even though I did that regrettable thing.

Do you disagree with Church teaching? Once we have been absolved, we are SUPPOSED to move on and heal. It is as if the sin never happened. Do you think we are not allowed to actually live that way? That we should do endless penance, even though we already did the penance the priest assigned?

 

[Cider]

I guess I’ll be the lone voice. If it was me, I’d get it reversed only because what I did in getting the tubal was a mortal sin and if I could reverse it I would. Just confessing and being repentant wouldn’t be enough for me.

I’ll just quote myself, I already answered that question. Regardless of being absolved if I could attempt to reverse it I would. It might fail, it might night. At least I tried. For myself ( if you notice my posts made it clear that it’s what I would do ) the graveness of the matter would make it such that if I could change it I would.

The concept of the risks of anesthesia as a deterrent aren’t valid for me, personally. I clearly made the decision that it was an acceptable risk when I decided to have the tubal and commit a mortal sin. I take that stuff seriously.

There is no logic in there for me that oh it’s now all of a sudden too risky, the exception being if I had had a serious side effect to the anesthesia during the tubal and was advised by a competent anesthesiologist that I should avoid any surgery unless my life was in immediate peril. But I’d want to be confidant that he wasn’t just trying to justify my decision to get the tubal because secular society thinks people that care about following religious tenets are wacky already and tend to just try and soothe our consciences when we stray off the path.

If I tried and failed, at least I did what I could. I’m all for moving past mistakes, but I also try and rectify the ones I’ve made if at all possible. Not everyone feels that way. If I haven’t been clear enough I’m sorry. I’ll just clarify now. I’m posting what I would do, and what arguments would be valid to me in deciding where to go next. You and the OP have to make your own decisions. We aren’t necessarily going to agree. Your decisions are between you, your priest and God. As are mine.

 

[lovemyboys]

The Church has no requirement on reversing the procedure. Therefore, I think that you should submit to your husband on this one and just focus on being an incredible mom to your 4 blessings. I think that submitting to one’s husband is really important for harmony in the home, and it’s what the Bible tells wives to do.

 

[Musician]

Cider, I also said she should have it reversed simply for her own peace of mind. Don’t think you are the only one who thought of that!
A reversal runs about $6000-$8000…a lot of money but if I had it to do over again, I would have done it. A thousand times I wished I could have undone my tubal, but it is now too late.
Also, the OP does need to focus on more beneficial aspects of life; she has children and a husband, should be taking time to appreciate them more.
Just my two cents!

 

[Speak_Up]

I think that submitting to one’s husband is really important for harmony in the home, and it’s what the Bible tells wives to do.

Oh… teeth-gritting time. I REALLY hate it when this verse gets thrown into a discussion with no context. Why do people ALWAYS quote this without also quoting the command St. Paul gives to husbands? They go together.

 

[lovemyboys]

Oh… teeth-gritting time. I REALLY hate it when this verse gets thrown into a discussion with no context. Why do people ALWAYS quote this without also quoting the command St. Paul gives to husbands? They go together.

Because in a deadlock situation like this, this scripture gives the solution…

 

[lovemyboys]

And teeth-gritting over Scripture? That’s just sacreligious…

 

[Speak_Up]

I’m not teeth-gritting over Scripture, per se. But I get very upset by its misuse, and that verse is massively and widely misused. Most times, when people quote it, they do so in a way that twists its meaning.

Do you know what a sacrilege actually is? From newadvent.org/cathen/13321a.htm

*(Latin sacrilegium, robbing a temple, from sacer, sacred, and legere, to purloin.)

Sacrilege is in general the violation or injurious treatment of a sacred object. In a less proper sense any transgression against the virtue of religion would be a sacrilege.

Personal sacrilege means to deal so irreverently with a sacred person that, whether by the injury inflicted or the defilement caused, there is a breach of the honour due to such person.

Local sacrilege is the violation of a sacred place. Under the designation “sacred place” is included not only a church properly so-called even though it be not consecrated, but merely blessed, but also public oratories as well as cemeteries canonically established for the burial of the faithful.

Real sacrilege is the irreverent treatment of sacred things as distinguished from places and persons. This can happen first of all by the administration or reception of the sacraments (or in the case of the Holy Eucharist by celebration) in the state of mortal sin, as also by advertently doing any of those things invalidly. Indeed deliberate and notable irreverence towards the Holy Eucharist is reputed the worst of all sacrileges. Likewise conscious maltreatment of sacred pictures or relics or perversion of Holy Scripture or sacred vessels to unhallowed uses, and finally, the usurpation or diverting of property (whether movable or immovable) intended for the maintenance of the clergy or serving for the ornamentation of the church to other uses, constitute real sacrileges.*

Merely being irritated by the use of a Bible verse, because I think it may be used incorrectly or out of context, is NOT a sacrilege.

 

[phelan]

I found myself nine months pregnant with my six child and five teenagers 11,12,13,14 and15 living at home. I went to my parish priest and also a catholic counslor, they both told me it was fine if my Doctor ok it. He was not Catholic but he set up an appointment with a panal of doctors, priest and a nun at St. John Hospital for me, who decided it would be the best thing because of my health to have a tubal ligation. I prayed that God would forgive me if I didn’t make the right decision.

I never told anyone about it I felt that it was private between my husband and myself. I grieved for a long time because I wanted more children. After raising five teens and their baby sister I know Im going straight to heaven LOL. Please don’t be so hard on yourself God knows what is in your heart you did the right thing just go to confession and get counseling if you feel you need it. God wants you to take care of the family you have now they will suffer if you don’t forgive yourself.

May God bless you and keep your beautiful family in his heart.

 

[Lucas3]

I became a Catholic last year. A few years ago, I underwent vasectomy. I did this with a clear conscience at the time, but now regret it.

In the last year, I’ve been exposed to JP2’s teaching about the ‘Theology of the Body.’ The original teaching is seriously intellectual, and difficult to understand. But Christopher West has translated into everyday English in two books, “Theology of the Body for Beginners,” and “Theology of the Body Explained.” (Former is a briefer introduction). Strongly recommend these to you.

Bottom line: Sex is a sacrament: it’s a sign of a deeper spiritual truth, namely the marriage of Christ to his Church. To be an effective sign, it needs to be free, total, faithful and fruitful. Removal of any of these distorts the sign. So those of us who have been sterilised are right to mourn our error. (Er, make that sin).

I too really like the idea of NFP despite being infertile. The Church doesn’t require reversal. I am happy to mention my ongoing sorrow in confession, even though it’s been confessed and forgiven in an earlier confession.

And as others have said, this crisis provides an opportunity for deeper communion between you and your husband, because your whole marriage is an icon of Christ’s union with us!

Praying for you.

 

[Seatuck]

I became a Catholic last year. A few years ago, I underwent vasectomy. I did this with a clear conscience at the time, but now regret it.

In the last year, I’ve been exposed to JP2’s teaching about the ‘Theology of the Body.’ The original teaching is seriously intellectual, and difficult to understand. But Christopher West has translated into everyday English in two books, “Theology of the Body for Beginners,” and “Theology of the Body Explained.” (Former is a briefer introduction). Strongly recommend these to you.

Bottom line: Sex is a sacrament: it’s a sign of a deeper spiritual truth, namely the marriage of Christ to his Church. To be an effective sign, it needs to be free, total, faithful and fruitful. Removal of any of these distorts the sign. So those of us who have been sterilised are right to mourn our error. (Er, make that sin).

I too really like the idea of NFP despite being infertile. The Church doesn’t require reversal. I am happy to mention my ongoing sorrow in confession, even though it’s been confessed and forgiven in an earlier confession.

And as others have said, this crisis provides an opportunity for deeper communion between you and your husband, because your whole marriage is an icon of Christ’s union with us!

Praying for you.

Sex is not a sacrament. It is a sign of the sacrament of marriage however.

 

[sherimarie]

I would like to echo the great idea to take a NFP class, After he learns the method with you he may be more likely to talk about a reversle. If nothing else though it may put you in a better mind set for making love. If you are aware that it is not possible for you to become pregnant even if you were not sterilized then it may give you more peace.
You really need to talk this to death with him, also what are you doing to build him up and make him feel like he is doing well providing for you and the kids? could you do more?

 

[Bluegoat]

It sounds like you are feeling badly that you aren’t able to have more kids (because of actions you took), and your husband is interpreting that as you want to have more kids. And of course they aren’t quite the same. You could have not had any more children by practicing NFP or total abstinence, after all - fertility doesn’t mean actually bearing children. And given the situation you describe, not having more children during that time might well have been the best decision.

Your husband seems to be missing the distinction, and he might understand better if you made it clear to him. I suspect you would feel much more supported by him, and he would feel relieved.

I agree that reversing the procedure is not necessarily going to solve the trouble you are having. Submitting it to God is what will heal it eventually.

 

[eucharisteo]

I don’t know if you’ve heard this or not yet. BUT…

my wife had a tubal ligation in 2005 against my wishes. She was NOT Catholic. My conscience was partially Catholic though as I was in the process of discovering why the Church was right on all of these issues. I had left for 17 years for understandable but wrong reasons. In light of that I had hoped my wife would reconsider reversal surgery, but then I discovered the medical issues related to it. There are risks in every surgery to be taken seriously. Statistically she’d probably be fine, however there is still risk to consider. She already chose that for her reason not to reverse it and I know that she wouldn’t. So I do not want to push her over into the deep psychological reasons she chose to do this. If I had to do the marriage all over again, I would not. That doesn’t mean I don’t love her but I do realize now why they Church makes us wait and obtain dispensations for marry outside of the faith. I would say that it would easily be declared that our marriage was never open and that we should never have married. In spite of all this we have 3 children. There is no doubt that I love her and she loves me. That is good enough for me to continue fighting for our marriage. I too have finally come to realize that her tubaligation is best left alone for her mental state of mind and physical well being, not to mention that the 3 children need her.

There are plenty of concerns that you need to consider before even thinking about reversing it. Do it for the risks, stop feeling bad or sorry for yourself [which ever it is] like I’ve been, and take care of your family as it is now. Love your husband and avoid causing him to cmmit mortal sin by repenting of yours and accepting that reversal is probably not a good choice anyway in spirt eof what people on here tell you. Take care of your family but accepting that you goofed and maybe in a twisted kind of way you helped your husband avoid mortal sin and seriously adversly affecting his mental state. I’m convinced that sterility in men causes them to become overly docile and kind of woman life in some ways. My wife feels the same way, ironically. But her mental stabililty was on the line at the time. She really has mental/emotional issues that desperately need attention, which I’ve been trying to work through as if is tearing our marriage apart or destroying our financial well being, stabililty. I’m in the middle of trying to convince her now that I need to stay home because she in essence can not handle staying home and finally got a job that could support the family while I go back to school to get to the next level. By the time I finish my grad degree the kids will be old enough to manage more effectively. The youngest is a real handfull at the age of 4. She’s exhausting, the littl eone that is. My wife is also exhausting and I have exhausted all of my medical and vacation leave to patch the constant state of chaos we’re experiencing. She doesn’t make good decissions and I can either leave, divorce or love her and the children. I choose the latter for the sake of our children and her…not to mention myself. I truly love her and it pains me to feel that she may never have been open to our marriage even when we had it convalidated.

Love your 4 children while you lament the los of potentially future children you could have had. But realize that there are so many adverse things that could have ended in disaster in spite of it. YOu could have lost all of the future children for one. You have no way of truly knowing what would actually happen. use your situation to do the best you can for your four. I envy you because you have 4 and I only have 3, which deeply hurst me and I avoid getting so angry at my wife that I sin. My existing childre is what God is calling me to take care of, not unborn imagined future children. Find a good pastor to talk to about this to get it off of your shoulders.

PAX