Turning things around

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I do understand. The devil knows your name, but calls you by your sins; God knows your sins, but calls you by your name. Don’t know who originally said it, but shows me who is on my side.
 
IT is NEVER too late!!! Come back now!!! I would suggest you find a good priest, preferably a traditoinal priest, and tell him all about your situation, and how you would like to confess and receive absolution but are afraid you can’t remember your sins. He will help you!!!

No one deserves to be forgiven, but we’re often forgiven anyways, because God is that good (so long as we’re sorry!). This is a good thing to keep in mind: If you’re truly sorry for your sins, then there is nothing to worry about. God will grant you sufficient grace to be forgiven of them.

It is good that you are praying the Rosary every day; if you continue to do that, you will surely end up in heaven! That’s what St. Louis de Monfort said.

Have Hope my friend!
 
Maximilian75 said:
Essentially… Tell the priest that “Father, it’s been over 40 years. I may need some help”. The salvation of souls is the business of priests. He will help you.
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Exactly! Max hit the nail on the head. Priests hear it every week…it’s been 40 years, it’s been 30 years, it’s been…well, you get my point. No priest expects you to remember every sin. Mentioning what you do remember, and adding for those sins I do not recall, is all that is needed. Absolution will cover it all. Be at peace with this. The fact that you “want to turn things around” speaks volumes to the priest and ultimately to God.
 
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You seem to be overthinking this, and in your two threads you want us to “convince” you to go to Confession. We can’t do that. It is a matter of faith and trust in God on your part. God forgives all our sins for which we are truly sorry and have a firm purpose of amendment in Confession. Countless people over the centuries have found huge burdens lifted from their shoulders when they confess.
It is a matter of you overcoming fear by trust in Jesus’ words, and overcoming any false sense of pride that keeps you from the humility of confession. You’ve been given good and abundant advice here. Now it is your call.
 
YourNameHere said:
But is it too late for me to turn things around?
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No. It’s actually pretty common to be away from confession for a really long time. I didn’t go at all for 18 years and I’d say before I stopped going I’d had about 10 years of sporadic and possibly bad confessions where I didn’t mention all my sins for various reasons (not being sure they were sins though in hindsight they were; not wanting to change the way I was living; not wanting to get told by the priest I had to change; etc.) I have since read a lot of posts on CAF by other people who were away from confession for decades and also read articles where priests say that the special indulgences offered by the Church in recent years (such as the Year of Mercy and others) have motivated a lot of people to go back to confession and resume active practice, because they read something about how all their sins can be forgiven. That’s what happened to me, I read about the Year of Mercy a couple years back and felt motivated to go to confession and try to get the slate wiped clean.

So I would totally urge you to act on your motivation to go back. The Holy Spirit is working in you to get you to do this.
How do I start?
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I would say, don’t overthink it or you’ll think yourself right out of doing it. Just be prepared to stop any major sins you’re committing right now, such as adultery, fornication, masturbation, drug abuse etc. and then go straight to confession at your earliest opportunity. It sounds like you’re already going to Mass so I don’t need to say “and be prepared to go to Mass every Sunday” etc.

And do make sure to tell the priest that you’ve been away for 40 years. “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. My last confession was 40 years ago. My sins are…”
How do I go to confession after 40 years?
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The same way i went after 18 years.
You can either just find some anonymous confessional to go into at a non-busy time - my method, I just went down to the Cathedral at 6:30 am on some random weekday morning and made myself go.

Or make an appointment with a priest, especially if you think you will need more than 5 or 10 minutes. Some people really like the idea of having time to talk to the priest or they need some preliminary discussion with the priest before they confess.

I personally didn’t want to make an appointment because I was scared enough of going back without having to go through the hassle of getting a piece of someone’s time, and I sure didn’t want to tell the parish priest of the parish I was in right then (who I happened to know personally and had been at his Masses and on a pilgrimage with him, even though I had all these sins on my soul that he didn’t know about) plus I really wanted it to be over as fast as possible. I have no idea which priest heard my confession, I’ll never know, I don’t go to Mass at that Cathedral too often so I’ll probably never see that anonymous priest. He was very nice and happy I was back and encouraging though. I had been expecting to get yelled at, which didn’t happen.

(continued next post due to character limits)
 
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How can I possibly remember all of the sins?
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You are only required to confess mortal sins, so I’d focus on just confessing those. If you can’t remember exactly how many times you committed the mortal sin because it was 20 years ago, it’s okay to say something like “from 1990 to 2000 I did Sin X off and on” or make a guesstimate “I did Sin X maybe 25 times”.

You are encouraged, but not required, to confess all the venial sins you can remember. The venial sins get absolved anyway even if you don’t mention them. If there’s some particular venial sin on your mind, you should mention it. If you’re not sure if it’s venial or mortal, you should be on the safe side and confess it.

Some people make a list of sins and destroy the piece of paper afterwards. I just winged it, myself. I could remember all the really big bad stuff I did (only too well).

If you finish your confession and then later remember some mortal or possibly mortal sin that you forgot in the heat of the moment, then just go again the next week and mention it. This also happened to me - I realized some time after going back to Confession that something I hadn’t considered a sin or at least not a big sin, was actually a big sin and I should have mentioned it. So I went back to Confession again and confessed it. I now go to confession once or twice a month so I stay caught up and remember stuff.
How can I be absolved of sins that I cannot even remember at this point?
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The same way you get absolved of sins that you can remember. Through God’s mercy and forgiveness as provided via the sacrament of Reconciliation.
Do I deserve to be forgiven?
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God thinks you do and He will be very happy to do that for you.

I hope you go back to Confession. It sounds like the Holy Spirit is working on you very hard trying to get you to go. Just do it. You’ll feel better and you will then be able to stop worrying about this.

If you’re still concerned about stuff like “do I deserve to be forgiven” you can ask the priest in the confessional and he’ll almost certainly tell you Yes.

God bless and good luck.
Keep us posted.
 
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YourNameHere said:
Max, I know you are trying to be helpful. But, put yourself in my shoes.

If you had not been to confession in over 40 years, do you think it would be as easy as quoting something from a Nike commercial…Just do it?

I have thought about seeking counseling first from a priest.

But I mean, how would I go into a confessional and just start reeling off as much sin as I can remember?

I am sure you are a better person that I am, but imagine all of the sins you committed in 2017. Now multiply by 40. Lots to try to remember. Lots to try to confess.
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Max is young and hasn’t had a chance to get into the situation of being away from the Church a long time, and let’s hope that he and the rest of the young people on here do not get in that situation ever. It’s not pleasant.

I’m old and have been there. There are other people on this forum who’ve also “been there” although they may not happen to be posting in this thread right now (I’ve seen their past posts).
Also every couple months we get a post from somebody in your position who has been away from Confession for a really long time and has maybe done truly bad sins while they were away. I seem to recall one person who posted he’d been a Satanist or something.

Check out this article, the priest towards the end says that he has had a number of people come back to Confession after 20 years. It’s not uncommon for people to not go for decades. Confession is a nerve-wracking experience for a lot of folks. I used to have serious anxiety attacks about it and I’ll be honest, it’s still not my favorite thing, but if I go frequently it’s less scary and complicated than if I put it off.

www.nytimes.com

For Catholics, a Door to Absolution Is Reopened (Published 2009)

Indulgences are available at several churches in New York City, where many have never heard of them outside history class.
www.nytimes.com www.nytimes.com

If saying a Rosary for you will get you to go, I’ll dedicate the one I say today towards your cause.

Just do it!
 
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You are a kind and understand person. Thanks for your advice. Thanks in advance for your prayers.
Though it is not my business, I was wondering what your penance was for your confession after a long time away from confession?
I do have some issues with the church, I do not know if it is relevant to explain to the priest. Many years ago, my parents got an annulment of their marriage. At the time I was in my early 20’s. I did not understand how the church could grant this. I mean an annulment of a marriage of nearly 25 years? This still bothers me alot. Perhaps I need to forgive the church?
 
I think it might be better for me to gain an appointment with a priest. I fear my confession will take some time. Also, I would get very nervous waiting in a confession like. I will be hard enough for me to get my courage up enough just to make a confession. This will be one of the hardest things that I have done to this point in my life. I know it sound so easy to a lot of folks who have posted on this thread. I guess our fears all are different.
 
YourNameHere said:
I was wondering what your penance was for your confession after a long time away from confession?
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I can’t remember exactly at this point since this was in early 2016 I went. But it was along the line of three Hail Marys. Maybe it was an Our Father and three Hail Marys.
Priests don’t tend to give big penances these days, at least not US priests. I’ve heard priests from some other countries like Africa or Latin America may be a little more harsh, but in USA they are just happy when somebody comes back and aren’t going to lay some big penance on them. That would drive people away again.
Of course if you think your penance is too light, you are always allowed to go above and beyond and voluntarily say more prayers 🙂

As for the annulment issue, I’d say discuss that with your priest. On the one hand, it is not really your issue. It is between your parents and the Church, and it doesn’t de-legitimize your own birth or anything.
But on the other hand, I can see where the child of such a marriage could be taken aback by this happening.
The priest is in the best position to advise you on that.
 
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As I said, let the priest guide you. It’s not easy. I compared it to preferring to give birth. But we all did it. You will too.

Penance these days is a little different because the Sacrament of Reconcilliation is a little different. It’s about reconciling ourselves to God’s love again, and saying yes to God. And repenting our dark days,

You will be fine, stop overthinking it. Just pray while waiting in line or for that appointment.

But just do it. Stop procrastinating
 
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I do have some issues with the church, I do not know if it is relevant to explain to the priest. Many years ago, my parents got an annulment of their marriage. At the time I was in my early 20’s. I did not understand how the church could grant this. I mean an annulment of a marriage of nearly 25 years? This still bothers me alot. Perhaps I need to forgive the church?
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I do not want to get off topic, but since you are the OP and you asked, I think it is okay to respond.

You can explain why you were away from confession for so long if the priest asks, but he might not even ask.

However, the Church grants annulment only after careful investigation of the couple and many witnesses. You do not need to forgive the Church as much as you need to learn how it works.

With all due respect, you were not privy to what went on between your parents. It was between them. You saw them in their roles as parents, but you did not know everything as it was none of your business, it was theirs. Do not think of the dissolution of their marriage as something the Church “did” to them. One, or both of them asked for the Church to help them with this.

Rather than think you need to forgive the Church, learn more about it. I know the breakup of a marriage is difficult for children to accept and understand even as adults, but if you learn more, you will see what a blessing and healing the process is for your parents.

I wish you the best for your confession. Try not to stress about it, just go. The priest will guide you through it. May God bless you and guide you.
 
Thanks for trying to give me a good kick in the butt.
I am scared. I fear what is to come. But I am trying to have faith that the Holy Spirit will get me there. And that I will become renewed in the church. Not born again, but rewashed and clean.
 
All those baptised in other Christian denominations make a thorough Examination of Conscience and go to Confession before they are received into the Catholic Church. Some are in their 60s and older so they have “their whole life to confess” as a friend of mine said.

The Examination of Conscience is pretty simple really. Ask yourself what you have done that have hurt the relationship to God, your neighbour (meaning family, relatives and other people you meet) and yourself. Go through the years you were in school, work, family life. Decade by decade. You will notice that sins will group themselves in categories. If you write them down then destroy the piece of paper after your confession.

I set my sins on fire after I have done my penance. I know I am forgiven and I can see that the sins are gone. I would guess that most people find it more difficult to prepare a confession and stand in line waiting than the actual confession. By the time you are confessing you have already accepted that you are a sinner like the rest of us. Leaving the confessional as a forgiven sinner 😉

Do something nice after your confession like buying or picking some flowers to the statue of the virgin Mary or go and visit the older relative that you don’t see that often. Invite the priest for lunch at a later date so that you can have a more relaxed chat with him.
 
Thank you, I can use the prayers. I’m not so wise but if I can use a bad experience of being a sinner to help others then that at least gives some small value to the experience.
I hope in future you will also encourage someone to return to God’s love and forgiveness.
 
No one can overcome your fear except you. You sound truly repentant, there is nothing that cannot be forgiven. You do need the courage and humility to ask for it.
 
Tis_Bearself’s advice is the best I’ve seen in response to your question. I would second everything she said.

Not sure if anyone mentioned it, but most confessionals have “what you are supposed to say” when you enter the confessional typed and taped where you can just read it. Or you can simply say Fr, it’s been ___ years since my last confession, and I have no clue what to do. He’ll take from there.

God Bless You!
 
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You are a Catholic, so that’s not an issue. Just go for Confession. When you say, “It has been 40 years since my last Confession,” that will tell much what the priest needs yo know. As been said, don’t worry about trying to remember all those sins you committed. There would be plenty of them. You need to summarise them only.

Come back and start anew. The Sacrament of Reconciliation is for people such as you and I. How good the Lord is. He has foreseen all these and thus gave us this Sacrament.

God bless you.
 
Though I respect your opinion, it hurts that the church is okay with my stigma of being a bastard child, just so my Father could be married a second time in the church. FYI, his second marriage did not last. But his third was successful.
Call me naive, but I thought all marriages in the church were for life.
I feel better having vented a little.
 
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