Two kids with someone I never thought...advice?

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I am in a relationship with someone I don’t really see eye to eye with on politics, morals, religion, etc. I was raised Traditional Roman Catholic and both her parents are Episcopal ministers. She doesn’t really care much for religion, but when it makes her parents happy than she will attend church and such. She even got upset when I hung a picture of Jesus holding a lamb in my sons room 😦 Sometimes I don’t know what her deal is…anyhow, we do have some good times however, we are more in this relationship to raise my children in a loving home. Obviously their needs will be first and foremost. But then it comes to issues like Baptism and how her family has a tradiiton of doing it, and obviously I want it in the Catholic Church. Also, her mom is pretty adamant that we should see a justice of the peace and get married (legally, although it may not be valid). Just going through some rough times…obviously I should have never done what I did, but I am already in this situation and I can’t dwell on the past. Just wondering if anyone has been down this road and/or is in the same situation. Thanks.
 
Bscow said:
I am in a relationship with someone I don’t really see eye to eye with on politics, morals, religion, etc. I was raised Traditional Roman Catholic and both her parents are Episcopal ministers. She doesn’t really care much for religion, but when it makes her parents happy than she will attend church and such. She even got upset when I hung a picture of Jesus holding a lamb in my sons room 😦 Sometimes I don’t know what her deal is…anyhow, we do have some good times however, we are more in this relationship to raise my children in a loving home. Obviously their needs will be first and foremost. But then it comes to issues like Baptism and how her family has a tradiiton of doing it, and obviously I want it in the Catholic Church. Also, her mom is pretty adamant that we should see a justice of the peace and get married (legally, although it may not be valid). Just going through some rough times…obviously I should have never done what I did, but I am already in this situation and I can’t dwell on the past. Just wondering if anyone has been down this road and/or is in the same situation. Thanks.
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Start first by clarifying something. The children are yours or both of yours?

Second, it sounds like you need to really define for yourself what Catholicism means to you and what part it actually plays in your life. She was raised Episcopal and you Catholic, but it seems that neither of you took your faith very seriously. So now, you both want to claim the children as whatever religion you are. How old are your children that they are not already baptised?

As far as marriage, you need to speak to a priest and see what you as a Catholic needs to be doing if you are going to marry outside of Catholicism. But you also may want to really think about the consequences of marrying someone that you have so little in common with except your children and some good times. You can still be a parent to them without being married to their mother if is not something that will be successful.
 
Yeah - this is really confusing…

Are these children hers also, or yours from a previous relationship?
Are you married to her?

A “relationship” where you really don’t even appear to like each other is hardly a “loving home”. Children are not stupid - they will know very well that there is tension there and a disagreement of fundamental topics.

If you are not married to her, and they are not her children, I would strongly suggest you end this relationship. Not to mention, you are living in a state of continual mortal sin if you are living with this woman you are not married to and having sex with her. That is NOT the environment your children need to be exposed to.

~Liza
 
I do plan on talking to my parish priest. They are both ours and one is 7 months old and the other is on it’s way. I did not take my faith seriously, as I am now regretting. Seeing as I made my choices already I believe the right thing to do would be to marry so she can be on my insurance whether or not I am happy at this point does not really matter as I need to devote myself to my newfound responsibilites and the betterment of my children and set an example. If we seperate later on down the road than I’ll deal with that when the time comes and stay strong in my faith, but I feel as if establishing a foundation with a loving mother and father is first and foremost. If I had it my way I would have had my son baptized in the first few weeks. And I’ve been contemplating doing it myself, as there is such a thing as baptizim of desire even if a priest doesn’t get to him at least in the eyes of God I did what I could do for the time being. It’s just overwhelming, and I already feel bad about the situation and just want to do right.
 
If you aren’t happy now - what makes you think that being married is going to change that situation? In most cases, it makes it worse, if the proper foundation is not there to begin with.

Yes - a conversation with a priest is very necessary here. You seem to be very confused about what your reality is, and what you wish it was, and what you think it can be.

~Liza
 
lizaanne said:
You seem to be very confused about what your reality is, and what you wish it was, and what you think it can be.

~Liza
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Thanks, I know what my reality is…I wake up to it everyday. I know how I was raised and what I want for my children I’m just trying to deal with the hand I have. And get help to be where I need to be.
 
It may sound contradictory to some, but your relationship must come before your children. Having a solid relationship helps kids’ development. My advice, you two obviously don’t see eye to eye on important things, so I’d say get out. You shouldn’t marry just because you two have kids together. You have sinned, yes, and it resulted in two blessings, but personally I feel it would be best not to marry this woman if you don’t love her. You would be better off waiting for a better woman to come along.
 
Bscow said:
I do plan on talking to my parish priest. They are both ours and one is 7 months old and the other is on it’s way. I did not take my faith seriously, as I am now regretting. Seeing as I made my choices already I believe the right thing to do would be to marry so she can be on my insurance whether or not I am happy at this point does not really matter as I need to devote myself to my newfound responsibilites and the betterment of my children and set an example. If we seperate later on down the road than I’ll deal with that when the time comes and stay strong in my faith, but I feel as if establishing a foundation with a loving mother and father is first and foremost. If I had it my way I would have had my son baptized in the first few weeks. And I’ve been contemplating doing it myself, as there is such a thing as baptizim of desire even if a priest doesn’t get to him at least in the eyes of God I did what I could do for the time being. It’s just overwhelming, and I already feel bad about the situation and just want to do right.
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Do **not **baptize your child yourself!!! A child sould be baptized *only *if in danger of *imminent *death *or *if there is good assurance that the child will be raised Catholic. Baptism leaves a mark on the soul and if the child is not raised Catholic but is baptized, it could go badly for him on Judgement Day.
 
bzkoss236 said:
It may sound contradictory to some, but your relationship must come before your children. Having a solid relationship helps kids’ development. My advice, you two obviously don’t see eye to eye on important things, so I’d say get out. You shouldn’t marry just because you two have kids together. You have sinned, yes, and it resulted in two blessings, but personally I feel it would be best not to marry this woman if you don’t love her. You would be better off waiting for a better woman to come along.
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👍

~Liza
 
If she loves you and she wants a family, why would she NOT get married in the church?

I’m confused by this. Perhaps she’s mentally unstable.
 
Welcome to CAF! 👋 That is a tough situation. My prayers are with you and your family.

My advice is that you really need to talk this through with your priest. He will be able to advise you and guide you in ways that us anonymous internet posters cannot. You said you are planning on talking to him, so that is good. I would encourage you to call today. There is no sense putting it off. Make an appointment as soon as possible.

God bless!
 
bzkoss236 said:
It may sound contradictory to some, but your relationship must come before your children. Having a solid relationship helps kids’ development. My advice, you two obviously don’t see eye to eye on important things, so I’d say get out. You shouldn’t marry just because you two have kids together. You have sinned, yes, and it resulted in two blessings, but personally I feel it would be best not to marry this woman if you don’t love her. You would be better off waiting for a better woman to come along.
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No, you gave solid advise. Just because there are children involved now does not mean Op should get married with all these conflicts. They will not be giving the children and themselves a happy home.
 
Thank you for all the replies. Talking to my priest is defintely what I need to do and will do today. I’ll post what happens so that others may see and maybe benefit or find some answers for their own situations.
 
It sounds like the man you are is different from the man you want to be. Sometimes the man you want to be needs to give the man you are a swift kick in the pants. Start being the man you want to be. Go to church, tithe, get a book of Bible stories for kids and read to yours, read your Bible in front of your family, start eliminating habitual sin from your life, and these two are most important; serve your girlfriend and children like Christ served His followers, and pray, pray, pray. Start by telling your girlfriend what is on your heart, that you don’t love her less but that God is important to you. Ask her to respect your beliefs, but don’t push her to believe. Take the kids to church faithfully even if she doesn’t go. Either she will come around or you will be driven apart. Either way, you will end up with a wife who supports you.
 
Captain_America said:
If she loves you and she wants a family, why would she NOT get married in the church?

I’m confused by this. Perhaps she’s mentally unstable.
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I don’t know if it’s the case here, but some–perhaps many–people grew up in families in which Catholicism is considered a very bad thing. For a person raised in such an environment to contemplate being married in a Catholic church or having their child baptized Catholic is actually scary to them. There’s a lot of misinformation out there.
 
bzkoss236 said:
It may sound contradictory to some, but your relationship must come before your children. Having a solid relationship helps kids’ development. My advice, you two obviously don’t see eye to eye on important things, so I’d say get out. You shouldn’t marry just because you two have kids together. You have sinned, yes, and it resulted in two blessings, but personally I feel it would be best not to marry this woman if you don’t love her. You would be better off waiting for a better woman to come along.
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Completely agree. If you were to sit and show what you have written to your priest I personally don’t believe he would marry you. I hope you will be able to solve this without marrying under the circumstances you describe. May God’s Holy Spirit fill you with wisdom and insight. God bless you.
 
Captain_America said:
If she loves you and she wants a family, why would she NOT get married in the church?

I’m confused by this. Perhaps she’s mentally unstable.
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Oh please.

She is not Catholic. She wasn’t raised Catholic. She has no interest in religion.

I was raised Catholic. I fell away from my faith. If you asked me why I wouldn’t want to get married in the Church about 4 years and then questioned my mental stability…I would have immediately questioned yours.

Believe it or not, most Catholics are Catholic in name only and dream about a wedding on the beach or at their favorite resort. I know I did until I reverted.
 
I entered into a marriage, “for the sake of the children”…It did not end well.
Please consider carefully before you marry this woman.

The very fact that you say “if we separate later I’ll deal with it” is a HUGE red flag indicating confused thinking.

Yes - please do let us know how it goes with the priest.

May God bless you and guide you as you try to do the right thing for everyone.

Peace
James
 
stevekehl said:
It sounds like the man you are is different from the man you want to be. Sometimes the man you want to be needs to give the man you are a swift kick in the pants. Start being the man you want to be. Go to church, tithe, get a book of Bible stories for kids and read to yours, read your Bible in front of your family, start eliminating habitual sin from your life, and these two are most important; serve your girlfriend and children like Christ served His followers, and pray, pray, pray. Start by telling your girlfriend what is on your heart, that you don’t love her less but that God is important to you. Ask her to respect your beliefs, but don’t push her to believe. Take the kids to church faithfully even if she doesn’t go. Either she will come around or you will be driven apart. Either way, you will end up with a wife who supports you.
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I agree 100%. However, you need to talk to her about what she wants. Does she want to get married at all? Interfaith couples have to make sacrifices and compromises. If she desires marriage, then I think you should love her and work towards that. I would consider offering to be married in an Episcopal church in exchange for baptizing and raising the children Catholic. In Catholic thinking, marriage is a sacrament bestowed upon each other; The priest is only a witness in a Catholic wedding. Raising the children Catholic is far more important than who the witness is. You do however need to mature past thoughts of possible separation in the future. That is of the Devil; A sacrament is a commitment for LIFE, so you have to work at it and fix the problems rather than selfishly running away from disagreements. I think you are doing a good mature thing by trying to think through the issues, rather than running away like so many deadbeat dads.
 
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