Two Vocations Flushed Down The John--What Now?

[Nom_the_Wise]

I felt called to religious life since I was a child. My faith life/prayer life has always been central to me.

I attended a Catholic High School run by the LaSallian Christian Brothers and for two years participated in their aspirancy program. Then I met a girl, asked her to marry me, she said yes and then it was sex sex sex until our wedding day (which, of course, never materialized). (You all understand I’m summing up, hence the quick transitions…)

After we broke up, I still felt the call and applied to the seminary (age 21). I was turned down and then it was drinking, pot, but at least no sex! Eventually I sobered up and began working in youth ministry (age 24), giving talks on retreats to adolescents about not doing drugs, having sex; I’d been there and I knew.

While working this way I met many priests/DRE’s/religious whom affirmed that they saw in me a vocation. Finally, public confirmation.

I re-applied to the seminary and got accepted (undergraduate seminary–age 26). While going to the seminary I saw behaviors in my fellow seminarians and some (some!) priests that caused me scandal. I began seeing a psychiatrist (paid for by my seminary, incidently) whom diagnosed me with some things: depression, ADD. That made me depressed. I’d never been particularly depressed before (at least not “clinically.” Everything sounds worse with the adverb “clinically” tacked on to it). I finished my studies, didn’t enter major seminary, but got a graduate degree (age 31) which has brought me far more peace of mind than money. I taught college for several years and was given “a semester off” after a college administrator asked me to pass her truant son, which I refused. That one semester off has turned into *every *semester off. (Perhaps a third vocation down the john as well; I have no references now, so I don’t teach anymore).

While going to grad school I met the woman that I would marry (age 34). Right now (age 41), I’m typing this instead of packing my things as she left me in November (we have a 2 1/2 year old son) and I’m moving out (tomorrow!) before our house gets foreclosed. Divorce proceedings are on the horizon as well as annulment tribunals. Our troubles have been ongoing for several years so it’s not like I didn’t see it coming, though I was very surprised when it actually did.

What now? I can’t be the only one whom has missed (or ignored) the signs. I am hesitant to blame this all on satan (too convenient) and I think of Job and the prophet whom God let marry a harlot (Hosea?). I’m trying to seperate what, exactly, has been God’s Will for me up till now and what, exactly, I did to screw it up. Or did I? If there is a grander plan for me, I sure as heck can’t see it. I love my son dearly; I know he is my vocation no matter what else. I can’t be ordained now or profess vows. Why do I still feel like that’s still an option? It’s like I’m in shock, reaching back for my religious vocation which flew away long ago. My soon-to-be ex-wife and I are (or should I say “were”) both very religious Catholics (as our marriage suffered, so too did our prayer life and church life). I’ve accused her of breaking her vows to me. For years I’ve blamed my seminary for destroying my vocation. But in the end, it’s my fault. It has to be.

Share your stories with me, or insights. I imagine this will be a short thread.

 

[GUDRUN355]

You need someone who’s well versed in the laws of the Catholic Church to help you get back on track. I know there are lay brotherhoods because a nice young man officiated at my Dad’s funeral (my Dad was a lapsed Catholic) .The fact that you said that your little boy is your vocation makes me believe that God is still at work in your life. I’m praying for you. Don’t look back-look forward. You have endured a lifetime of learning experiences but God still has a plan for your place in the Church. There are many knowledgable people on this forum who may offer suggestions. Don’t give up. That little voice in your heart is Jesus and He will never leave you.

 

[HollyDolly]

:byzsoc:I’m sorry to hear about your divorce-annulment,and the foreclosure.
Is there any way you two could get some martial conseling, or has it gone too far for that?
The main thing is to be there for your son,he is so young, and really needs his father at this trying time.Sometimes we don’t know what God has planned for us or wants from us, and it can be very frustrating.

I once wanted to be a nun.However, my mother was not a well woman, and later had a stroke.We three kids helped our dad take care of her.She died in 1982 of another stroke in her sleep. Later on ,my dad’s health also started to fail due to Chronic Obstructed Pulmonary Diease,most commonly known as COPD, and congestive heart failure,
passing away in 1996. I still think about the convent from time to time, but i am 53 and trying to pay off some debts so I can be debt free. I also work two jobs to pay off the debts.When these get payed off, then maybe I could join like the Visitation Sisters, or maybe the closest I’ll come to being a religious will be joining the secular Franciscan, Carmelites, or whomever.

You are still young and have time. Have you thought about training to be a deacon?
We had a neighbor years ago who was a deacon and married.And there are other family men who do this as well.later on, when your son is an adult and no longer dependent on you, you could try again for the priesthood. Who knows, you may get accepted.
I don’t know God’s plan for you,but will pray for you that He reveals to you what he wants.

 

[joamy]

I second the idea of looking into the idea of becoming a deacon. Also, a good spiritual director would be helpful… .

Mainly - keep praying and don’t despair. God can use you no matter what!!!

 

[Nom_the_Wise]

I’m trying to seperate what, exactly, has been God’s Will for me up till now and what, exactly, I did to screw it up. Or did I?..

…I’ve accused [my wife] of breaking her vows to me. For years I’ve blamed my seminary for destroying my vocation. But in the end, it’s my fault. It has to be.

I want to thank you all for your prayers and kind comments. I appreciate the suggestions of the diaconate; I had already thought about that while I was married. But I haven’t been a major part of a parish in almost 4 years (it slowly dropped off as my wife and I grew farther apart. There’s a chicken and the egg argument in there somewhere: which came first? Our failing marriage or our tottering participation in the life of the church?). I’ve taught CCD and been a music director/cantor at parishes and my seminary in the past, and I know I really have to get back into ministry, but I feel something stopping me. I need to figure this out before I can be an effective minister again.

I think I should have named this thread differently. I think what I’m really asking is, which vocation did I mess up? Marriage or Priesthood. (Clearly, I’ve messed them both up, but what I mean is…) Was I called to be a priest and disobeyed by getting married, or was I meant to be married and my wife and I messed it up? Was my marriage destroyed by the fact that I was “meant” to be a priest and I said no? I’ve had several people tell me something along the lines of “boy, you blew it. You would have been a great priest. The church needs guys like you.” It’s like in the CS Lewis book “The Silver Chair:” I’ve missed the signs and now have fallen under “The Curse of Aslan.”

I feel sometimes that my true vocation was the priesthood, and I allowed the scandal of my seminary days to distract me (and at times, even now, I still feel bitter, though I never left the church, nor would I. As Peter said to Jesus “Where else would we go?”)

This isn’t healthy to think about, I know, but I can’t help it. And yet my son was born. Surely God meant for him to be born or else he wouldn’t have been.

What am I wondering about? Am I making excuses for poor choices? If I had a vocation as a deacon all along, have my wife and I destroyed that? These are too many questions to ask in an on-line forum. For those of you that have read, and those of you who have responded (GUDRUN355, HollyDolly, joamy) thank you. I do feel a bit better just knowing that I’ve been heard, and I thank you for your prayes. If anyone else has something to say, it may be a couple of days before I respond, as when I finish typing I’m disconnecting my computer and packing it. Thank you in Christ.

 

[Trishie]

Norm, it would probably surprise many most of, maybe all of my friends to hear that, yes, I’m cheerful and caring, I carry a chasm of grief within that I only don’t fall into except that I place trust in God, that I live the Sacraments faithfully, and try to be there for others. I often face within the most awful sense of failure. I can fall into that, or I can accept that in a sense that’s very real to me, I have a massive poverty that leaves me only able to come to God with trust. I know that it is only for me as it is for so many, but ones own grief is very personal, as you know.

I guess like many parents, I look back and see where I should have taken a different direction, been less fearful for my boys safety and so on. I got right that I really love and love them, and they are very generous each in his own way, and we enjoy being together when we are, and they have an amazing affection for me and each other. I know, like many parents…I failed to bequeath them the legacy of our faith that has remained with my family clans for so many centuries. I have watched their children grow also without any faith except the little they gained through me, and it doesn’t include their accepting the Church as their own. I tried, lovingly and gently with them all…but I’m the last Catholic standing. My husband, a convert, slipped back to atheism, when he became ill. I failed to pass on the faith to any of my family…and you think, did I do something very wrong. Is there some sin God has against me, that my faith is so ineffectual?

“Who can detect his own failings?
Wash out my hidden faults
And from pride preserve your servant,
never let it dominate me
So shall I be above reproach, free from grave sin.” [Psalm 19:12-13]

I have a questioning mind…and were it not that once God did something extraordinary in my life that never failed the litmus test of veracity, I there are times when I would have lost my faith.
But I trust
Isaiah says,* “I was thinking: ‘I have toiled in vain, I have exhausted myself for nothing.’ And all the while my cause was with God, my reward with my God.” [Isaiah 49:3-4] For “the Lord is not being slow to carry out His promises…but He is being patient with you all, wanting nobody to be lost and everybody to be brought to change his ways.” *[2Peter 3:9]

I’ve grieved to watch my three beloved sons go through major relationship breakdown with the overwhelming grief that entailed for them. There is a divorce on the horizon now as a year of separation is required in my country before anyone can apply for divorce, and the year is up now. My son has already sold his beautiful property and settled and gave away a loved dog that he was unable to keep in rented accommodation.

Those are simplified versions of what I’ve seen them go through, and I’m unable to help my sons in so many needful ways…we even lost our own home when my husband became ill, so any financial help from us is impossible. I miss having a home, most of all a garden. I always made our gardens so beautiful. Perhps in a way it’s getting what one asks for only under a different guise.
I wanted to be a Carmelite nun during my childhood, but when I spoke of it in my teens to my parish priest he was very discouraging. He was a family friend, came to dinner each Saturday night, so I trusted him. By the time it was too late…he left the church and the faith, so I guess he wasn’t my best guide. But as you say, our children are gifts and we would never wish them away. Was the Carmelite life my vocation? I don’t know and practically speaking it’s irrelevant. Some years ago I expressed my sorrow that every once in a while surfaces, to the Prioress of our Carmelite convent here who has been a dear friend for many years. “You are a Carmelite though,” she said. If she says so perhaps I am.

You’re far from alone in your dilemmas, and in knowing that in some ways, who know for sure, you, we may have taken some wrong terms. It nevertheless reamains that the turns we tokk and in the end the right turns, because it is within our actual structures and our real lives that God works out our salvation with us.
But Norm, I think that no matter what may appear to be the case, we know humilty and poverty

 

[Trishie]

In failure
Jesus, I put my trust in the apparent failure of the Cross, for You are condemned to a criminal’s execution and it seems that Your mission has failed, You who alone could redeem humanity.

Who can accept that it is God-incarnate whose sweat and blood drips into the dust, from Your drained, dishonoured body! Yet Your human cry of abandonment by the Father is belied by the triumph of love and faith in Your final confident submission. You die, but You have not betrayed the Father’s trust.

Jesus, to my sadness, I fail in many ways and sin against others by my failures. Have I betrayed Your will or mistaken Your purpose? Will You restore me to grace now, Jesus? To do what? Will You show me? Will You fuse together the broken pieces—of my life, of my service—to make a new and better creation? Am I to step around the fragments and to pass another way?

I ask to walk with certainty along the path of holiness that You choose uniquely for me. If not, then please allow me the certainty of buoyant faith. I ask courage to continue through the enveloping fog, trusting each small moment to the illumination of faith and grace.
Jesus out of my failure and sorrow You will bring healing and goodness luminescent as priceless pearls grown around grains of suffering, for Your glory, and for others’ remedy and blessing. July 1981

“If you feel too lazy to pick up a bit of thread, and yet do so for love of Jesus, you acquire more merit than for a much nobler action done in a moment of fervour. Instead of grieving, be glad that, by allowing you to feel your own weakness, our Lord is furnishing you with an opportunity of saving a greater number of souls.” (Saint Therese of Lisieux)

Peter’s regret

Jesus, I know the regret of one who fails to serve the need in another person, perhaps even in one’s most-loved. I have experienced the remorse of those who wound another, however unintentionally. Afterwards, there may seem no redress? The damage perhaps seems irreversible. The other’s heart or mind may seem unapproachable due to their nature or attitudes; or one simply lacks courage to risk the other’s anger or reproach?

When we bless others, we bless You, and when we wound them, we wound You… Thus, in Your weakest moment I left You desolate. In Your greatest need, I abandoned You—although in my confusion and loss I feel that You deserted me. Nothing can expunge your hurt then, in that time. I ask forgiveness, and You forgive. Yet the moment cannot return and you are gone. Not gone, but changed…beyond my touch and understanding?

The scars remain, burned in Your feet and hands, and in my heart. Yet You loved and chose, and gave Your life for me—although my weakness, fear, and sin betrayed and denied You. Now, in recompense made fit by Your pure sacrifice—again and again I shall serve and pray for each brother in his weakness and need, as You have done for me. Thus may I watch with my Lord, sharing a-hundredfold what once I denied You. July 1981

 

[Grantlee]

My feeling is that you do not need to be a priest or hold an official church position in order to lead a ‘religious life’. If you are feeling a call to religous life, I encourage you to ask yourself what that means. Is it the status of an official position with the Church that is appealing, or is it the feeling of wanting to help others?

I think a true call embodies the latter, not the former - and you can follow the latter without any official training or stamp of approval by the Church. Just by being a good father, a good friend, a good person to those in your life is a true and just religious life in my opinion. The vocation of being a good and helpful person - of loving our neighbors in Christ’s way.

Good luck to you. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re asking the right questions and are on a path of God’s choosing. Listen to your heart and conscience and you’ll find the right way.

 

[jmcrae]

Nom;

A wise man once told me, God’s plan for you is where you are, at this moment. It is not off in the future somewhere, or off in some far away place. It is right where you are, right at this moment.

Your God-given vocation right now is to be the single parent of your little boy, and to be the best possible ex-husband you can possibly be. Now - was it God’s plan for you to be a single father and an ex-husband?

No, of course not.

BUT, the free choices in your life, and the free choices that other people have made, that God allows all of us to make, have brought you to this place, and so, God is asking you, at this particular moment in time, to be the best possible single father and ex-husband that you can possibly be. THAT is your vocation, at this specific moment in time.

It would be a waste of your time and energy, to regret the past, other than to learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them in the future.

The starting gate of your life is here, and the time to start living it is now.

 

[JReducation]

Nom:

Sometimes we walk down different paths to get to the main road. Not all paths are perfectly straight. Yours sounds like one of those. The fact that you’re thinking about this tells me that grace is still tugging at you. I have no idea where it is leading you and neither do you, at this time. But there are some things that you need to do, if you have not done it already.

Holy Week is coming up. There will probably be reconciliation services at your local parish. Attend one and make a good confession in preparation for Easter. Attend all of the Holy Week celebrations. As soon as Holy Week is over, call your parish and find out if they have a priest trained in the spiritual life. If so, try him out as a spiritual director. The goal right now is to respond to actual grace so that you may advance in sanctifying grace. Do not worry about what to do next. Focus on what you have to do today.

When our holy father Francis entered the chapel of San Damiano he heard the voice from the cross direct him to repair his church. Francis responded to the present moment. He began to rebuild the chapel. As he was working on the present, his future became clear to him.

Another famous Franciscan was Maximilian Kolbe. He had a wonderful prayer that you may want to use. He would kneel before our Lady and ask her, “What is to become of me?” Then he would wait. One day our Lady gave him a choice, purity or martyrdom. Raymond (that was his name at the time) chose both.

One last famous Franciscan, Thomas More, lost everything: his lands, his wife and family, his career and eventually his life. But the one thing that he did not lose was his faith. Thomas never tried to rationalize or explain what had gone wrong in his life or figure out whose fault it was. As a man of the Gospel, he focussed on Christ in the present moment. Like his spiritual father, St. Francis, he embraced the poverty that comes from not knowing where one’s life is leading. This was the poverty of the cross. Only Christ knew. Mary and the disciples had to wait and see. Sometimes we have to do like Thomas More. We have to stand next to Mary and the apostles and wait on the Lord.

We have all made choices in our lives. Some have worked and others have not. God in his infinite mercy and out of his eternal time makes good use of our choices. Our duty is to avoid those that we know were wrong.

I’m guess that I’m suggesting to begin with a journey of internal reform. Take it in baby steps. First get back to a fuller life in the Church. The rest will come to you as you journey with the Lord.

Fraternally,

Br. JR

 

[giftoffaith]

Oh you sweet sweet man! you have such a love for Our Lord, and that is what really mattes! We make mistakes, all of us, and we learn from them and we move on with the grace of God.

I won’t bore you with my life story but needless to say, I too have wondered what I did wrong to end up where I am today.

God is all goodness though, so trust in His love and His mercy, and remember that He wouldn’t have sent His son to suffer and die so horribly if He didn’t care about each and every one of us.

Go to Reconciliation and then spend time in front of the Blessed Sacrament praying and asking for help until you start to feel some clarity about what you need to do next. Prayer is the greatest weapon we have against evil and against our own weakness.

It may be that you are indeed meant to pursue religious life of some sort (brother or priest etc) or even that you are meant to remain a celibate person. But more important than the physical aspect of your life, is the spiritual one. Start now to renew your commitment to Jesus as Lord and let Him guide you through His Holy Spirit. Being a priest or brother or even a holy lay person, is more about our interior relationship with God, than our exterior appearance and events. Become Christ centered in everything you do, and then He will surely show you where He wants you – not where you want you!

Prayers are with you, dear brother.

 

[JReducation]

Oh you sweet sweet man! you have such a love for Our Lord, and that is what really mattes! We make mistakes, all of us, and we learn from them and we move on with the grace of God.

I won’t bore you with my life story but needless to say, I too have wondered what I did wrong to end up where I am today.

God is all goodness though, so trust in His love and His mercy, and remember that He wouldn’t have sent His son to suffer and die so horribly if He didn’t care about each and every one of us.

Go to Reconciliation and then spend time in front of the Blessed Sacrament praying and asking for help until you start to feel some clarity about what you need to do next. Prayer is the greatest weapon we have against evil and against our own weakness.

It may be that you are indeed meant to pursue religious life of some sort (brother or priest etc) or even that you are meant to remain a celibate person. But more important than the physical aspect of your life, is the spiritual one. Start now to renew your commitment to Jesus as Lord and let Him guide you through His Holy Spirit. Being a priest or brother or even a holy lay person, is more about our interior relationship with God, than our exterior appearance and events. Become Christ centered in everything you do, and then He will surely show you where He wants you – not where you want you!

Prayers are with you, dear brother.

Beautifully said. :yup:

Fraternally,

Br. JR

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Your vocation is to know, love and serve God in this world so as to be happy with Him in the next.

That’s all our vocation.

The various methods we try to achieve that are our own trial and error in life. We make the decisions we do based on the circumstances God allows us to be in at the moment.

Is He waiting to crush us like a bug if we don’t get it right immediately?

Picture you and your son. You are a father, an imperfect one. When your son is trying to figure something out by trial and error, do you smack him if he doesn’t get it right? Or do you lovingly give him hints to help? How much more patient and loving is God as the Perfect Father.

In your own fatherhood, you will come to appreciate God’s fatherhood. Your son’s dependence upon you will teach you the trust and dependence you should have for God.

I once read a saint who commented on someone “You run well, but off the path.” Maybe we all do that in our lives for a time. We make choices based on our finite knowlege. Maybe those choices make our ultimate vocation harder than it would have been had we chosen God’s path for us. Know that what you have gone through in life is never wasted. Even if misdirected, it brought you to be the person you are today. The collapse of a marriage can lead to lots of thoughts about whether one missed their vocation. Maybe that’s asking the wrong question though. “What should I have done” is not helpful. “What should I do now” is a better question. Live your life as morally as you can. Stay close to the sacraments. Be a good example to your son. Try not to treat his mother with bitterness so that he does not grow up learning to view women like that. His happiness as a husband some day will depend on the lesson you teach him about dealing with the most important woman in his life right now. In a few short years he will be grown. Whatever you have done through these coming years will help you determine where you are going. And in all things, whatever the details, the general direction should be closer to God.

Christ met the disciples on the way to Emmaus. He meets us where we are at that moment. We don’t always recognize Him or His will. Only in the sacrament of the Eucharist did they recognize Him. That’s where you will recognize Him also. Does it have to happen tomorrow? No. It will happen in God’s time. Maybe someday you may end up in a monastery. Or in another marriage. Or single and laboring among God’s people. What you do will be determined by the health God gives you and the talents He gave you. But your criteria for everything you do should be: Will this help me to Know, Love and Serve God in this world or prevent me from being happy with Him in the Next?

You aren’t the only one who tries to make sense out of their purpose in life. But this isn’t a dress rehearsal. And in your life journey, you are supposed to bring Christ to others and make Him known, whatever your station in life. If you do that, you won’t wonder at the end whether you had the right vocation or not because you will have accomplished God’s work, not your own. Your vocation is to get to heaven, and to bring as many people with you as possible. If you are following Christ, He won’t lead you astray.

 

[jimcav]

What now you ask?

Commit! Commit your whole self to something and stay with it!

I know that is not easy. It’s not easy for anyone. But walking away hasn’t worked for you yet and it likely never will. It just leaves you with guilt, with no sense of accomplishment and an empty feeling inside. You seem to be looking for perfection in everything you do, and everything you touch and when you can’t find it, you walk away. Well, there is no perfection on this earth. There is no perfect seminary, priest, marriage, wife, career or vocation. They are all flawed because they are all human or are controlled by humans. Sometimes you need to be the strong one, you need to be the agent of good, the agent of change, the one to make things better instead of taking the easier way out. Sometimes you have to take the hard road. It could be the cross you are asked to bear.

If you stick something out, really stick it out through all the dark and bad times, you will see something good at the end. Had you stuck it out in the seminary, who knows what you could have accomplished for the Church? If you had stuck it out as a professor, who knows how many lives you could have changed? And had you stayed with your marriage, it could have become a blessed marriage after these turbulent years pass.

So whatever path you choose from this point, stick to it. Ask for Gods help! Ask God to send the Holy Spirit into your heart and guide you onto the next journey. You won’t go wrong. You can find fulfillment!

God Bless…

PS - Some beautiful posts here!

 

[IrishAm]

One vocation is still firmly in your life – that of a father. For the time being, dedicate yourself to that (no matter what the obstacles) and pray that there may be a growing clarity for the other parts of your life.

 

[kargo27]

Nom,

I’m now 42, went to seminary twice for a total of 1.5 semesters when I was 30-32 years old.

I flopped back and forth between jobs and and now am married and have an 11 year old stepdaughter and 3 1/2 year old son who’s horribly “strong-willed”. I thought that he was the anti-Christ but he was born in Texas, not the middle east.

My wife and I probably aren’t the most compatible and we’ve spoken of splitting up many times. I’m more of the practicing Catholic than she is which bugs me. I’ve never been unfaithful and never will, but she’s got an insecurity problem and says that I gave it to her. I don’t know if anyone can make someone insecure, I think that the person chooses, either consciously or unconsciously to be secure in who they are or not. Yet we still stay together in our relative unhappy state of life. I guess we don’t abhor each other enough to leave.

At any rate, I think that I am probably ADD too because of the past jumping from career to career, then looking back, etc. I see a lot of myself in what you described. I give you kudos on your honesty and accountability and laying out your life for us in black and white.

I do know now that I can do most anything and those career jumps made me realize that God gave me many, varied talents…I’ve done things from semiconductor R&D to my current job as an account rep in eyewear sales. He also gave me the tenacity to do whatever job I was doing, correctly and to it’s end. I pride myself in that. So, what I’m getting at is that you were probably very good at whatever you did career-wise. Did you ever give yourself an “atta-boy” and realize that? It’s not so much conceit as it is recognition of jobs well done in and of themselves.

Don’t let yourself get into “I’m a failure” mode. As Stuart Smalley would say "That’s just Stinkin’ Thinkin’ " I know you’re old enough to remember the old SNL skit.

Since we don’t know what the future holds, just live your life day by day. Deal with the divorce/annullment and new housing first and worry about vocations and what you’re going to do about them when you can. You have a lot on your plate right now…chew slowly.

The end of this paragraph may upset a lot of people who don’t know what seminary is like, but I think it’s good to be aware. There were probably 30-40% gays (in the closet) and one child molester, whom a friend of mine found out about and turned in to his bishop. He was booted from seminary after that. We straight guys hated them because they were giving (or were going to give) our mother Church a bad name and there was nothing we could do. I know it’s not their fault that they are wired that way, but it’s easy for them to hide in seminary and priesthood. Here’s why: 1) No one expects you to get married, 2) you hold high status with the community, and 3) if you’re pastor of an affluent parish then you have access to lots of money. A gay guy’s dream. I know several gays (lay people, not priests) and these are things that they strive for…status and money. People strive for this who are heterosexual, too, I know, but I’m talking about those who hide out in their “vocation”. A childhood friend of mine who’s a good, holy priest and has been for 20 years once told me upon initially entering seminary…“beware of snakes in the Garden of Eden.” He was right on.

Stick to your faith and pray, as I’m sure you’re doing. It’s tough for me. I don’t like to set time aside to pray. My nature is that I’d rather be “doing”. I have to pray the Rosary when I’m on the road or else it doesn’t get done. It’s about the only time that I can be in relative silence. It’s tough when you have a small child that’s needy, too. Constant interruptions will drive you bananas and you surely can’t pray…unless you offer those interruptions up as prayer, right? I personally need to be more cognizant of that type of prayer and not just spouting out mantras.

Keep us updated on your progress and PM me if you ever want to talk.

You’re in my prayers, brother!

In the Lord,

kargo

 

[Nom_the_Wise]

I’m going to try very dilligently to reply to all the recent posts. You’ve all made me cry . It was good happy crying, but yes, I was weeping like a Catholic school girl at First Communion. I love you all (there really is no emoticon that truly expresses it, so I’ll refrain…).

Trishie: I probably wept most of all reading your posts. You were so generous with me, and with us all. My son is too young to understand the faith (2 1/2, well 2 3/4). He’s learning both Spanish and English because my wife is Puerto Rican and her whole family is fluent is Spanish. He loves turning on lights and crooning “La Luz!” with a big smile. He says “La Luuuuusssss!” (the light!). I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy as he gets just looking at a light bulb! But my nephews (3 of them) don’t understand me at all because they were never rooted in the faith either. I will pray for you and your family. And I count myself blessed knowing that I have yours.

I used to have a garden as well (beef steak tomatoes). Here, at our first house (where I’m still trying to seperate my things from my wife’s things, such a tangled bed of weeds among the wheat) I dug up the ground myself, a 20’ x 4’ patch of ground. I tried to plant strawberries but my beagle dug them up as soon as I got them in the ground. I hear strawberry plants attract bees, so I guess it’s just as well. I’m going to miss my garden. I planted it for my wife.

The quote you gave from Peter really took my breath: "the Lord is not being slow to carry out His promises…but He is being patient with you all, wanting nobody to be lost and everybody to be brought to change his ways.” [2Peter 3:9]. Thank you so, so much, Trishie. I’m wondering what the source is for your second post; did you write that? Wow (except where you site Saint Therese of Lisieux–is the rest yours? The dates make me think it was perhaps a journal entry). Just the fact that you, a Franciscan, have reached out to me, it’s a sign that Francis has forgotten me. I keep a small statue of him placed in front of a standing crucifix; just a small sacramental reminding me how in love with him I was…

jmcrae: If I lived in Canada, I know we would be great friends though I would annoy you and you might strike me with a blunt object . But you hit it on the spot: “Now - was it God’s plan for you to be a single father and an ex-husband?–No, of course not.” I needed to hear that. I needed to hear someone say that other than me. I refuse to wallow in self pity, but acknowledging a terrible truth is humilty, and I need to believe that. God didn’t Will this, but he allows it and will bring fruit from it, because that’s what God does. He turns even the fall from grace in the Garden of Eden into something greater, into salvation and the friendship of God.

Grantlee: It might have been about status when I was younger, I suppose. I wanted to be St. Francis of Assissi and wear that habit . I did mature, however. I fell in love with the sacraments. I wanted to hear confessions, pray the Mass. The writings of Fulton Sheen (Those Mysterious Priests in particular) really set my heart on fire. When I get to Kargo27 I’ll discuss the water balloon that snuffed it (or that I let it snuff). Still trying so hard not to be negative…it’s a terrible cross.

JReducation: Just bringing up St. Francis of Assissi and Maximillian Kolbe brought tears to my eyes. St. Francis is my patron saint (my “name” Saint–it’s sad that we don’t much celebrate “Name’s day” anymore. Oct 4. I was born Oct 11, exactly one week after St. Francis’ Feast Day (if only mom would have pushed earlier!). Anyway, I wrote a wonderful song about St. Francis of Assissi because I fell in love with him long ago. Some Franciscans heard me play it once and begged me to send it to them, but forgot to tell me where they were from, so perhaps they were humoring me. I once wrote my own novena to St. Francis begging him that one day I might become a Franciscan. In the end I went to a diocesan seminary because I felt more called specifically to parish life. I will participate in Holy Week as much as my schedule allows (I work mostly second shift).

giftoffaith: You are so kind to call me sweet twice! God I wish I had 24hour access to the Blessed Sacrament but our parish locks up pretty quick (security reasons they say); one of the reasons I can’t wait to get out of this town! When my wife and I moved here, I volunteered to cantor, to be a lector (I’m *very *trained in both) and the Pastor basically said “I’ll get back to you.” He was very uninterested. This is a *horrible *parish, and I’m someone who believes that each of us has a vocation to the parish in whose boundaries we live. I couldn’t break through here. Blockheads all! (or most. I shouldn’t generalize…).

This might be getting too long. To be continued…

 

[Nom_the_Wise]

…where was I?

Liberanosamalo: “You run well, but off the path.” Boy that’s me alright. I keep banging my knees on the guardrails. And this: “Even if misdirected, it brought you to be the person you are today.” I do believe that and I thank you for saying it. It’s funny that even though I regret so many things, if I could go back in time I wouldn’t change a thing. Of all that has happened, I *like *the man I am today. I just don’t know why my wife doesn’t like him anymore. I don’t know what I would do without my son, just as he is. It is my *fervent *intention that he *never *have to wonder what he’d do without me. I need him. I come from a long line of friends (4 in all) that had children that they never see. I don’t get it. My son is a person. He’s hysterical. He has so so much joy. It breaks my heart though when he sees me and my wife together when he visits. Just Tuesday I had him and he looked back and forth at us like he was watching a tennis game “Mama? Papa? Mama? Papa?” I’m crying just typing this. I won’t show bitterness to my wife, but I don’t understand how she doesn’t see how much, even at his young age, he is hurting. He knows. And I’m powerless to stop it. I tried. We did marriage counseling. She asked me to go on antidepressants and go to therapy. I did everything she asked and according to my doctor I was improving. But she went off her own meds. She said that being on her meds kept her from being able to cry, and she wanted to cry. She also said her meds made her not be angry with me, and she felt that I was taking advantage of her. She *wanted *to be angry with me. She refused to get the help she needs. Which brings me to jimcav:

jimcav: I’ve never had trouble commiting to what I believe in. But when the foundation of what I believed in turns into a sham, I have no hesitation of pulling out. I lost my teaching job because I stood up to corruption at my college. I tried for months to sue them, but no lawyer would take me. The best one lawyer thought he could get my school on was “Interference with a contract” but he wanted lots and lots of money. He didn’t take the case because he felt that I would end up being in the hole even if I won. And maybe I didn’t explain myself clearly, but my wife left me. I didn’t walk away. I *never *walk away. Even when I left the seminary, I’d been through so much anger and turmoil with them that it was just time I moved on. They even promised to have a kind of “outside” formation group for those of us that graduated and still weren’t sure about going to major seminary. That never happened. I didn’t have enough energy then to push the issue. I got my MFA and that was that.

Irish Am: I’m half Irish! I thank you for your prayers my fellow Irish-descended-person! My fatherhood is all I have left to hold on to. And my beagle! I searched for an apartment where I could keep her ($300 extra on the security deposit, but she’s worth every penny!).

Kargo27: O Kargo27! Kargo Kargo Kargo. Oh, it is a sad truth, but it is the truth. Did you go to a seminary in Texas?(Don’t say the name if you did). I thought these things only happened in my neck of the woods. I feel as though I know you. O Kargo Kargo Kargo. 30-40% you say? I’d have to say 80% when I was in the seminary (Andrew Greeley once did a study putting the number about there). He also coined the phrase “The Lavender Mafia.” Ever hear that one before, O Kargo 27? I *know *you have, my brother, I know you have. O Kargo27. Snakes in the Garden of Eden? We had Komodo dragons. I try so hard not to say things like this, but it’s true. Members of our student body once complained to superiors about one professor that taught Aquinas pretty much right out of the book. The professor was fired. I cannot say more for fear of scandalizing anyone else, but this is the cross I bore, as well as others, as well as you, O Kargo27. I have to say that I respect the rector that’s there now, and he has since shrunk the class sizes in favor of better candidates rather than playing “the numbers game.” They move more men into the major seminary now than ever before. I just wish they’d put the hammer down when I was there, and believe me I tried to call Elijah out of heaven in his fiery chariot on many occassions. So do not be much scandalized my brothers and sisters–a change has come. I’ll say no more here of this.

Not the best way to end this post, but pray, pray hard, pray harder than you’ve ever prayed before for the conversion of our seminary systems. You may think we’re exaggerating, and I pray we are only talking of the past. I know my former seminary has gone to great lengths in recent years with improved success, but there are others. There’s another thread in the Vocations forum that I’ve read that’s tackling this very issue. It’s not even funny. Not in the slightest.

I love you all. You have reminded me of much that I’ve forgotten and brightened my spirit so much that I do not feel alone (though I’m not exactly skipping around in a gossamer gown throwing roses everywhere, but I was near despair when I posted this and you’ve given me hope). I hoped that this thread wouldn’t stay focused on me, and it hasn’t. Several of you have given your own witness to the sorrow of a (perceived) lost vocation. God bless you all. I’ll read more if anyone still has anything to add. You’re all such a blessing to me.

 

[Nom_the_Wise]

Just the fact that you, a Franciscan, have reached out to me, it’s a sign that Francis has forgotten me. I keep a small statue of him placed in front of a standing crucifix; just a small sacramental reminding me how in love with him I was…

This was meant for the message to JReducation. I don’t know how it got into **Trishie’s **section, but I was thinking (Trishie) of your devotion to the Carmelites as well, and St. John of the Cross has always been a great comfort to me. This is a “Dark Night of the Soul” kind of thread in some ways. I was trying to reply to everyone and forgot to mention how moved I was that you, a Carmelite in spirit, found my post and gave such a beautiful witness. I suppose I’ve already given it away that my real first name is Frank, but I took two confirmation names “John Paul” not just in honor of the Pope, but for John the Baptist, John of the Cross and Paul the Apostle. They wouldn’t let me take “John John Paul” so I had to settle. And my parents had already given me the St. Francis reference, so there you go.

 

[kargo27]

…where was I?

Kargo27: O Kargo27! Kargo Kargo Kargo. Oh, it is a sad truth, but it is the truth. Did you go to a seminary in Texas?(Don’t say the name if you did). I thought these things only happened in my neck of the woods. I feel as though I know you. O Kargo Kargo Kargo. 30-40% you say? I’d have to say 80% when I was in the seminary (Andrew Greeley once did a study putting the number about there). He also coined the phrase “The Lavender Mafia.” Ever hear that one before, O Kargo 27? I *know *you have, my brother, I know you have. O Kargo27. Snakes in the Garden of Eden? We had Komodo dragons. I try so hard not to say things like this, but it’s true. Members of our student body once complained to superiors about one professor that taught Aquinas pretty much right out of the book. The professor was fired. I cannot say more for fear of scandalizing anyone else, but this is the cross I bore, as well as others, as well as you, O Kargo27. I have to say that I respect the rector that’s there now, and he has since shrunk the class sizes in favor of better candidates rather than playing “the numbers game.” They move more men into the major seminary now than ever before. I just wish they’d put the hammer down when I was there, and believe me I tried to call Elijah out of heaven in his fiery chariot on many occassions. So do not be much scandalized my brothers and sisters–a change has come. I’ll say no more here of this.

Not the best way to end this post, but pray, pray hard, pray harder than you’ve ever prayed before for the conversion of our seminary systems. You may think we’re exaggerating, and I pray we are only talking of the past. I know my former seminary has gone to great lengths in recent years with improved success, but there are others. There’s another thread in the Vocations forum that I’ve read that’s tackling this very issue. It’s not even funny. Not in the slightest.

I love you all. You have reminded me of much that I’ve forgotten and brightened my spirit so much that I do not feel alone (though I’m not exactly skipping around in a gossamer gown throwing roses everywhere, but I was near despair when I posted this and you’ve given me hope). I hoped that this thread wouldn’t stay focused on me, and it hasn’t. Several of you have given your own witness to the sorrow of a (perceived) lost vocation. God bless you all. I’ll read more if anyone still has anything to add. You’re all such a blessing to me.

I’m glad to see your spirits have been lifted!

I’d never heard of the Lavender Mafia, LOL. I’m bitter when it comes to gays/child molesters. They’re part of the reason for the downfall of society and always have been. Pushing their social agendas, disrupting and reclassifying families because of their rights. GRRRRRR!!! I was nearly molested by a pervert sales clerk in a clothing store when I was about 11. He wanted to measure my inseam for sweatpants. Who does that? They either fit or they don’t! It made me very uncomfortable and I knew that something just wasn’t right.

My seminaries were in south Louisiana. Now this was 10 years ago, so hopefully things have changed. There were a couple of liberal priests who wouldn’t even teach wearing the collar. They either dressed in blue jeans or khaki pants. That really didn’t bother me so much, but one didn’t like John Paul II and said “…he’s not going to live forever”, meaning he wanted change. The funny thing is that most of the seminarians, even the more liberal ones, still loved PJP II. So, that priest’s words were falling on deaf ears. I don’t know if that priest is still alive, he was in relatively poor health back then.

WOW, 80%??? I think that we were lucky. I know for a fact that my minor seminary wasn’t nearly close to that. Mostly nerds and geeks, a transplanted cowboy or two. Major seminary was higher. I’m sorry if people are scandalized but it’s the truth. And when you bring evil into the light it gets zapped! I can’t hide it, that’s what got our church into trouble in the first place with the molestation problems, one of the first of which that came about was near my hometown. Remember Gilbert Gauthier? When I was a kid, he used to pick up some neighbor kids down the street from me in his Winnebago and take them to some races or other things. I used think “why can’t I go?” Thank the good Lord that I was never invited! I wish the dioceses would create a task force to investigate suspect priests and seminarians. It’s sad and I don’t want to sound like the KGB but our church needs someone to police it’s own.