Un-Married & Alone - Fear of Loneliness

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Purgatorio

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I was in a religious order for a year and a half and departed that life in 2011. I still felt/feel that I have a vocation. In fact, I went to my diocesan vocation director in the summer of 2014 and after a few brutal months of getting put through the blender, he said that he didn’t want me in his Diocese because I was ‘to conservative’. But he said he felt that I had a vocation and I would have his ‘blessings’ to go to another diocese. I felt destroyed after my experiences with this Priest, what he made me jump through and the way he treated me was shocking… especially to my parish Priests who were not happy about the whole event. It was a new vocation director and he had only been in for a few months, so perhaps this was all due to lack of experience. Anyways… after that… I felt that perhaps my chasing a vocation for 10+ yrs was not the path that God wanted me to take. I began to pray for a wife and/or the vocation of married life. Up until this point, I had only dated in my early 20’s and really didn’t have a desire to date or be married. I like women, I am attracted to women, but for me… it was just never really there. There was a desire in the back of my head… but it was very minimal.

I always felt out of place with my family, as my brother and sisters all got married in their early 20’s and have large families. I’ve been looked upon as the bum in the family, never really finding my path and not getting married. After a few weeks of praying for married life and discerning God’s will for my life, I began to have a pain in my groin and it continually got worse over the following weeks. I finally felt concerned enough to set up an appointment with the doctor. He did a physical and sent me to see a Urologist. I was pretty concerned and told my Mom about the meeting. I went to my appt and the doctor took one look at me and diagnosed me with what is known as Klinefelters. I had never heard of such a thing! He sent in for a lab test to confirm his suspicions and sure enough… two weeks later … I found out that I am mosaic, XXY, meaning that I have two female chromosomes. The normal testosterone level of a male of my age is around 400-500. My tests said that my level was 13.

I was so upset by the news… I considered killing myself for a few days… it did go through my head. Not that I would have done it. But it was just so shocking. On the other side of things… I got an answer to my prayer… God clearly didn’t want me to get married… LOL. 😉

I’m trying to find my place in the world. I’ve only told my immediate family the news… they didn’t take it very well… My mom never wants to talk about it, she wan’t to pretend that it doesn’t exist and that I’m just a normal happy dude that will one day settle down. I had a big falling out with my brother and sister’s 8 months ago. They said that they can’t relate to me if I am not married and I can’t relate to them, being unmarried, so we have little in common now. I was very upset by that news. My Mom is getting older and I know the day will come when she will no longer be here… and when that happens… I will be all alone in this world. I’ve been carrying this cross for a few years now… unable to talk about it with people… unable to find anyone that can really relate to me.

A few days after finding out about this… I remember I went into Church and sat in the cry room (great name… I have shed more than a few tears there)… and I got really angry with God. I yelled at him for about 20 minutes and sobbed like a baby, I was asking him “What is your will for my life” … once that passed… I decided that it was time to leave. I got up and walked out the door into the narthex of the church and something caught my eye, the setting sun was shooting a beam through the window of the door that was reflecting off of the window of the door going into the Church… and then bouncing off of a magazine cover that was in turn beaming me in the eyes. I walked over and picked up the book and opened it randomly, I opened to a story about fr. chiszek and it was titled “God’s Will For Your Life” and it talked about great suffering, carrying our cross for God… and living a good life. It made me feel very relieved and at peace… because I realized that God was telling me… that it was going to be ok. Isn’t it funny how God speaks to us? It’s not the booming voice from the clouds that we always want… it’s the quiet whisper in the breeze that we only hear if we pay attention.

I still feel a calling from God to live some form of a vocation. I don’t know what that is. I know that I can’t get married and likely won’t, even if I did decide to take hormonal treatments to give me those desires, I’m quite frankly afraid to… given that I could go off the deep end and God knows where that might lead. I know that I should trust in God… this was his plan all along… but as the weak little Catholic that I am… I lack in that trust.
 
Hi

Try not to look too far ahead into the future. God’s will for you right now is to be exactly where you are right now. Try to live in the present. Do everything you do with the intention that it be pleasing to God. Just the simple, ordinary, everyday stuff. Be kind, gentle, forgiving, patient, generous even when you may feel like being the opposite. Do it because this is what God wants. Doing God’s will is living in His will, that is striving to do our very best in our present given circumstances. Our Lord told us not to worry about what tomorrow might bring, today is enough for us to contend with. Try to live the beatitudes, try to be open to being conformed evermore closely to Jesus. Just where you are, right now. Let God worry about the rest. God is with you. He is your co-pilot. He knows the way. He will lead you. Just be faithful to the small things for now.

Be at peace.
 
Purgatorio said:
I was in a religious order for a year and a half and departed that life in 2011. I still felt/feel that I have a vocation. In fact, I went to my diocesan vocation director in the summer of 2014 and after a few brutal months of getting put through the blender, he said that he didn’t want me in his Diocese because I was ‘to conservative’. But he said he felt that I had a vocation and I would have his ‘blessings’ to go to another diocese. I felt destroyed after my experiences with this Priest, what he made me jump through and the way he treated me was shocking… especially to my parish Priests who were not happy about the whole event. It was a new vocation director and he had only been in for a few months, so perhaps this was all due to lack of experience. Anyways… after that… I felt that perhaps my chasing a vocation for 10+ yrs was not the path that God wanted me to take. I began to pray for a wife and/or the vocation of married life. Up until this point, I had only dated in my early 20’s and really didn’t have a desire to date or be married. I like women, I am attracted to women, but for me… it was just never really there. There was a desire in the back of my head… but it was very minimal.

I always felt out of place with my family, as my brother and sisters all got married in their early 20’s and have large families. I’ve been looked upon as the bum in the family, never really finding my path and not getting married. After a few weeks of praying for married life and discerning God’s will for my life, I began to have a pain in my groin and it continually got worse over the following weeks. I finally felt concerned enough to set up an appointment with the doctor. He did a physical and sent me to see a Urologist. I was pretty concerned and told my Mom about the meeting. I went to my appt and the doctor took one look at me and diagnosed me with what is known as Klinefelters. I had never heard of such a thing! He sent in for a lab test to confirm his suspicions and sure enough… two weeks later … I found out that I am mosaic, XXY, meaning that I have two female chromosomes. The normal testosterone level of a male of my age is around 400-500. My tests said that my level was 13.

I was so upset by the news… I considered killing myself for a few days… it did go through my head. Not that I would have done it. But it was just so shocking. On the other side of things… I got an answer to my prayer… God clearly didn’t want me to get married… LOL. 😉

I’m trying to find my place in the world. I’ve only told my immediate family the news… they didn’t take it very well… My mom never wants to talk about it, she wan’t to pretend that it doesn’t exist and that I’m just a normal happy dude that will one day settle down. I had a big falling out with my brother and sister’s 8 months ago. They said that they can’t relate to me if I am not married and I can’t relate to them, being unmarried, so we have little in common now. I was very upset by that news. My Mom is getting older and I know the day will come when she will no longer be here… and when that happens… I will be all alone in this world. I’ve been carrying this cross for a few years now… unable to talk about it with people… unable to find anyone that can really relate to me.

A few days after finding out about this… I remember I went into Church and sat in the cry room (great name… I have shed more than a few tears there)… and I got really angry with God. I yelled at him for about 20 minutes and sobbed like a baby, I was asking him “What is your will for my life” … once that passed… I decided that it was time to leave. I got up and walked out the door into the narthex of the church and something caught my eye, the setting sun was shooting a beam through the window of the door that was reflecting off of the window of the door going into the Church… and then bouncing off of a magazine cover that was in turn beaming me in the eyes. I walked over and picked up the book and opened it randomly, I opened to a story about fr. chiszek and it was titled “God’s Will For Your Life” and it talked about great suffering, carrying our cross for God… and living a good life. It made me feel very relieved and at peace… because I realized that God was telling me… that it was going to be ok. Isn’t it funny how God speaks to us? It’s not the booming voice from the clouds that we always want… it’s the quiet whisper in the breeze that we only hear if we pay attention.

I still feel a calling from God to live some form of a vocation. I don’t know what that is. I know that I can’t get married and likely won’t, even if I did decide to take hormonal treatments to give me those desires, I’m quite frankly afraid to… given that I could go off the deep end and God knows where that might lead. I know that I should trust in God… this was his plan all along… but as the weak little Catholic that I am… I lack in that trust.
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Toward your worldly issues:
  1. I have heard of a bunch of treatments for low testosterone.
  2. A stint of unemployment and a super sedentary job thereafter led to me tying my maximum weight ever…only this time without the muscle to make it not so bad. So began losing weight and working out again, the effects of losing fat and gaining muscle are scientifically a help to replace estrogen with testosterone. I actually basically went through a 2nd puberty. Consider fitness as a substantial up lifter to both mental and physical health.
(Post divorce, I avoided women mostly for about 6 yrs, I can tell you that after puberty 2, I can no longer avoid them)
 
I would be far more angry than you if I had had to go through the trials you have so unfairly been given. Many a good man has been rejected from the religious life by men who believe they do the will of God. Pray for them.
Many a good man has fallings out with their families as they do not fit the boxes others make for them. Pray for them.
I would learn all I could about your genetic syndrome. Much is known about it and there are very successful treatments that assist with some of the symptoms. I would not give up on them without specialist advice. You should ensure that you are checked for diabetes and breast cancer which is more prevalent with this condition.
Depression is almost a reasonable reaction to learning of this prognosis and given the events of rejection you have had it should be expected of any sane man. Be kind to yourself. But pray for a release from this turmoil.
You do not say what you do with your life now you have left the religious vocation for the time being. It is easy to say go out and make friends and live an out-going life. Much harder in real time. Some would say you are being tested. If so ask for a cheat sheet. Many find great grace in offering up one’s lot in life and doing the best to find the talents God has given you and use them. All easy words.
I would attempt to find a good spiritual advisor and work with him in finding your bearings. Such men are hard to find in full daylight with a very large torch. God Bless you and you are in my poor sad prayers to Our Lady that she might guide you to her Son in all you do.
 
Petaro said:
You do not say what you do with your life now you have left the religious vocation for the time being.
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I own my own business, I’m a marketer and work 16 hr days. I’ve turned into a work-a-holic and have invested most of my time each day to spending it in front of the PC. I manage and run a large group online of like minded marketers… so my day is spent chatting and talking to all sorts of people, while I don’t have any sort of social life in the real world, I do talk and meet with people online on a regular basis. I get a sense of fulfillment doing this and it’s my way of keeping in touch with society while I have in many ways… become a sort of recluse over the past year. I rarely leave my house now, I usually either go over to McD’s to grab a coke or food or I go to Church on Sundays for mass and to teach CCD.

One thing that I didn’t reveal in my first post is that I have a heart condition. I was born with a very severe heart condition, the doctor that delivered me didn’t think I would live to be one, his own daughter had the same condition and she died at 4 months. It’s been a struggle much of my life. I’ve undergone 9 open heart surgeries, I have mechanical heart valves and a pacemaker. Life has been a struggle in many ways… but also a great blessing. To have another day to live a life for God… is a great gift. I know that I have a mission in this life… few have made it through so many surgeries and it’s just a testament that God has me here for a reason. And so I continue on… trying to find his will in all things.

When I first went to the Urologist as I mentioned earlier, he was quite upset after he examined me and told me what I had. He was really surprised that no doctor had ever diagnosed me with Klinefelters, because he said that my heart condition was a direct result of it. 20% of Klinefelters have heart conditions and no one else in my family has a bad heart. I got quite angry about that as well… thinking about how different my life might have been… had they known about this sooner. And then… I realized… that God… he always reveals things in HIS own time. It’s really quite interesting to see that I found out about this… on my 33rd birthday… right as I was finishing a novena to St. Joseph in regards to being married and finding a wife. He answered my prayer. I apparently am not to be married. That doesn’t truly make me sad…if that is God’s will… then I accept it and must move on and find what he does want me to do.

My ultimate fear is being alone. But… now that I really think about it… fear comes from the devil and I won’t really be alone… God is always here with me. These are things that I tell myself… in order to console me in those difficult moments… :o
 
Find a good doctor to talk to about your genetic problem and the treatments. There is no reason that you cannot live a normal life.

Your Diocese vocation director said that you were too conservative? Do you know how common that is? Read “Good Bye, Good Men” if you have not done so.
 
Being married is no guarantee against loneliness. You will never be lonely with God as the centre of your life. Many of the Saints were unmarried yet lived lives of joy. Yes they experienced pain and suffering too but that’s life. God has plans for you. Be patient. Turn to Our Lady in Her rosary. She WILL help you.

Peace.👍
 
PaulfromIowa said:
Your Diocese vocation director said that you were too conservative? Do you know how common that is? Read “Good Bye, Good Men” if you have not done so.
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Yes… great book. It’s really quite sad. I live in a conservative diocese… but I am afraid that this won’t last long. My Bishop put in his retirement papers last year and with his new vocation director turning away good guys (I’ve heard of at least 6 other good men that were turned away for being conservative in the last 2 yrs), who knows what our diocese will soon look like when we get a new Bishop. I can only hope that we get a good conservative Bishop…
 
Spritus1 said:
Being married is no guarantee against loneliness. You will never be lonely with God as the centre of your life. Many of the Saints were unmarried yet lived lives of joy. Yes they experienced pain and suffering too but that’s life. God has plans for you. Be patient. Turn to Our Lady in Her rosary. She WILL help you.

Peace.👍
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Yes that is so very true! 🙂 I remember reading a story about a saint who was asking God for a cross to carry… Our Lord visited her and took her to a room filled with crosses of all different shapes and sizes. She immediately went to the largest cross in the room and our Lord replied “That is for married couples, your’s is in the corner”. She was quite shocked to see she had the smallest cross in the room… lol. 😃

I must keep God centre and not let the devil do his work of discouraging me.
 
The single life is also normal. I am horrified at the finnicky controlling attitude of your close family. It must be a great grief to have to let them go for your safety.

My grandmother had a heart condition and from what I am told most of her family poured scorn and shame on her.

I’ve cerebellar and other slight “differences” and blessed by illnesses I’ve picked up. We have a perfectly normal way of being normal, merely very slightly varied from most other people’s, in ways that don’t make us function in any less worthwhile a way to anyone, in the slightest, that’s about the size of it.

Thank God for your livelihood and the time to pray and read Scriptures. Ask God to carry on looking after your heart!

Oh and layman is the most important of all the vocations by a very long chalk. And we single laymen are not second class, we are equal first class.

O God as Purgatorio’s life with you amongst people continues, furnish ever more opportunity to share together with others in spiritual growth and spiritual fruits. Amen.
 
Purgatorio said:
I own my own business, I’m a marketer and work 16 hr days. I’ve turned into a work-a-holic and have invested most of my time each day to spending it in front of the PC. I manage and run a large group online of like minded marketers… so my day is spent chatting and talking to all sorts of people, while I don’t have any sort of social life in the real world, I do talk and meet with people online on a regular basis. I get a sense of fulfillment doing this and it’s my way of keeping in touch with society while I have in many ways… become a sort of recluse over the past year. I rarely leave my house now, I usually either go over to McD’s to grab a coke or food or I go to Church on Sundays for mass and to teach CCD.

One thing that I didn’t reveal in my first post is that I have a heart condition. I was born with a very severe heart condition, the doctor that delivered me didn’t think I would live to be one, his own daughter had the same condition and she died at 4 months. It’s been a struggle much of my life. I’ve undergone 9 open heart surgeries, I have mechanical heart valves and a pacemaker. Life has been a struggle in many ways… but also a great blessing. To have another day to live a life for God… is a great gift. I know that I have a mission in this life… few have made it through so many surgeries and it’s just a testament that God has me here for a reason. And so I continue on… trying to find his will in all things.

When I first went to the Urologist as I mentioned earlier, he was quite upset after he examined me and told me what I had. He was really surprised that no doctor had ever diagnosed me with Klinefelters, because he said that my heart condition was a direct result of it. 20% of Klinefelters have heart conditions and no one else in my family has a bad heart. I got quite angry about that as well… thinking about how different my life might have been… had they known about this sooner. And then… I realized… that God… he always reveals things in HIS own time. It’s really quite interesting to see that I found out about this… on my 33rd birthday… right as I was finishing a novena to St. Joseph in regards to being married and finding a wife. He answered my prayer. I apparently am not to be married. That doesn’t truly make me sad…if that is God’s will… then I accept it and must move on and find what he does want me to do.

My ultimate fear is being alone. But… now that I really think about it… fear comes from the devil and I won’t really be alone… God is always here with me. These are things that I tell myself… in order to console me in those difficult moments… :o
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God is always there, but He is a terrible conversationalist. You really need to get out to the real world more. You should look for more from your parish, but I am too cynical to expect an answer to loneliness there. Prayer is often our only hope. Remember the story of the the unjust judge. Constant whinging works apparently. I personally would be a complete pain in the neck, knocking on His door every hour of the day. I see no reason with appropriate treatment you cannot live a complete and happy life. Many with your condition does, right now, as we speak! Take the appropriate exercise for your heart condition. If possible,get out and walk in the park. Go to the beach. Leave the house. Do a cruise, or a tour. 16 hour days are not healthy. Depression comes from being a shut in. Some people have no option, but you can find adventure out there. Go on… take a bus. Smile at people…(not small children. ) Do little kind acts for strangers. Take your shoes off in the park. Buy a dog. ENJOY LIFE. God bless.
 
A single life can be a very happy, holy life.
You are still in shock from hearing this diagnosis at your age. That is completely understandable.
I would not rule out marriage yet. I would seek medical treatment first and then discuss my options with a priest. I am sure many people with Klinefelter’s are married.

If you still feel called to be a priest and your heart condition does not prevent it, you have options. You could possibly join the FSSP which is a conservative order.

In any event, as previous posters have recommended, try to enjoy your life.

Please note. If you search online, there are several Klinefelter support groups available. They can offer you helpful information. God bless you.
 
Pray for the holy souls in purgatory and ask them through their prayers and intercession to help you know what your vocation is to be

Here’s what the catholic catechism says about praying for the holy souls in purgatory and how our prayers for them makes them pray for us in return.

958 Communion with the dead. "In full consciousness of this communion of the whole Mystical Body of Jesus Christ, the Church in its pilgrim members, from the very earliest days of the Christian religion, has honored with great respect the memory of the dead; and ‘because it is a holy and a wholesome thought to pray for the dead that they may be loosed from their sins’ she offers her suffrages for them.“500 Our prayer for them is capable not only of helping them, but also of making their intercession for us effective”

Here’s some prayers to ask for their help

Prayer For The Souls In Purgatory Who Can Obtain Fast And Visible Help For Us!

Eternal Father, i offer you the precious blood of jesus, in union with all the masses being said this day throughout the whole world,
For all the holy souls in purgatory, and also for the souls in purgatory whose prayers can obtain fast and visible help, in desperate, complicated, difficult, hopeless, urgent situations.
Amen

And I beg you Eternal Father to please grant to me through the Prayers and Intercessions of The Holy Souls in purgatory the following prayer requests (name requests).
Amen

Eternal Father, i offer you:
all the prayers, works, joys, sufferings and merits of all mankind this day throughout the world
and i also offer you all the crosses, pains, tears, and sorrows of all mankind this day throughout the world,
and i also offer you the body and blood soul and divinity of your dearly beloved son our lord jesus christ,
and i also offer you the bitter passion, agonising death, holy wounds and precious blood of our lord jesus christ,
and i also offer you the holy name, holy face, sacred heart and divine mercy of our lord jesus christ.
in union with all the masses that are being said this day throughout the whole world,
firstly to expiate all the sins that all the holy souls in purgatory commited during each and every day of their whole life,
secondly to purify all the good that all the holy souls in purgatory did poorly during each and every day of their whole life,
thirdly to supply for all the good that all the holy souls in purgatory ought to have done and that they neglected to do during each and every day of their whole life.
fourthly for relief and deliverance for all the holy souls in purgatory.

( add the following on to the end of the prayer if you wish to ask for a favour or grace )

and i beg you eternal father to please grant to me through the prayers and intercessions of all the holy souls in purgatory the following favours (name requests)
amen

Also if you still want to pursue a vocation to the priesthood, why not try visiting different religious orders and see if any of them are a perfect fit for you, maybe god wants you to be a religious order priest rather than a diocesan priest (if that is his will then you wouldn’t be lonely as you would be part of a religious community that would be like a family to you…)

Also we aren’t allowed to give medical advice here, but it would be a good idea to ask your Dr what treatments and medications are available for your condition 🙂

God bless you
 
I am not good at giving advice. I am only responding because I wanted to tell you that your story was gripping and evocative. Your story has blessed me today, so I thank you.

I agree with the conclusions you have drawn about how you see God leading you towards and away from vocations. I have heard of many good men with legitimate vocations being turned away because of being “too conservative”. I still think God has something great in store for you, something that will continue leading you on the path of sanctification and in being a good Christian witness to others.

I am sorry about the rejection by your siblings and your mother’s refusal to acknowledge the issue. That is the part of your story that troubled me the most and made no sense to me.

But have you thought about writing a journal of sorts, and putting in story form all of these things that God has been leading you through? It would be the basis of a great memoir someday, and could also assist you in discovering where God wants to lead you next.

God bless you!
 
I agree with most of what jmjzelie wrote- I just wanted to add that as I was reading your post, I kept thinking of Leonie Martin. I think she would be a great friend and intercession for you. She was St. Therese’s sister. She also had trouble fitting in with her family, dropped out of religious orders, tried helping at home for awhile and that didn’t work, etc. She’d know exactly where you are coming from. In the meantime, I’m praying for you and hope you can also find a supportive group IRL. God bless.
 
I don’t really have much to add but would like to say that your story is very touching and I will be praying for you to have peace and happiness.
 
Have you considered applying to conservative religious orders or fraternities (eg. Fraternity of St. Peter or Clear Creek Monastery)? There are also many dioceses that would also welcome you with open arms. I know my own diocese (Austin, TX) is loaded with orthodox priests and the vocations director is rock solid. They value men in the seminary who value the Faith. If you feel a calling to further explore a vocation, don’t let the response of your own diocesan vocations director set the tone. God may be calling you to minister elsewhere.

The real blessing here is that you are learning to trust the Lord. Everyone needs intimacy with another. Most will find that with their spouse in Marriage. Some, however, may go into religious life or the priesthood and experience this intimacy with Christ by committing themselves entirely to Him. Your feeling of loneliness is natural. People are made to commit their lives to someone besides themselves. Consider the possibility that Christ is calling you to radically commit yourself to Him, and experience an intimacy that will satisfy.
 
Windmill said:
. I know my own diocese (Austin, TX) is loaded with orthodox priests and the vocations director is rock solid. They value men in the seminary who value the Faith. If you feel a calling to further explore a vocation, don’t let the response of your own diocesan vocations director set the tone. God may be calling you to minister elsewhere.
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That is true. It may very well be with a different diocese. I have also looked into the Diaconate as well. I might be moving to Texas in a few years. My family seems to be settling on texas as a place to retire. My sister is moving there next week with her family for better cost of living, my brother is a Lt. Col. in Marines and is looking at flying commercial when he gets out of the military and Dallas has a great hub for airlines… so they are looking to move there… and well… my Mom is wanting to be by her grand children, so when she moves… I’ll probably pick up my things and go as well. =D So… who knows what God has in store for me.

One of my former spiritual directors didn’t become a Priest until he was in his late 50’s, he was married and his wife died of cancer, he waited until his children were grown and off on their own before he entered the seminary… he was a good man. My current spiritual director was a quarterback for the redskins before becoming a Priest later in life… My point being in this is that with God… all things are possible. I’m open to whatever his will is for me. If that is to be a layman all my life… I am happy as long as that is his will.
 
Yes, I am glad you are thinking positively now. And you have clearly experienced that God has his hand on your life, since he led you to the book and to a correct diagnosis.
You are in my prayers.
But do get some exercise – it will make a huge difference in your outlook, whatever else you decide. It doesn’t have to be anything ferocious, it could be tai chi or the like. You could find a sport you love and be proficient at it in a short time.
There’s no reason to spend 16 hour days at a keyboard.
God bless.

.
 
I too am inspired by your post and your faith.

Like you I am unmarried and living alone in a strange city on the East Coast. We all have our crosses to bear I guess.
 
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