She’s angry. Her anger may have nothing to do with you. She may not even be aware of the reason for her anger. The reason for her anger may even pre-date her relationship with you, it may be over something that occurred a long, long time ago, or (possibly) a habit of thought and response to situations which developed a long time ago, possibly even when she was a child. You may just be a convenient target on which to vent. In other words, she might need something more than kind gestures, or even a conference with your parish priest. She may need psychotherapy.
I don’t know how you get someone into therapy if they are not willing to go.
I do know how to keep my own sanity while living with a chronically angry person, who finally did decide to get therapy on his own. It’s not easy. It involves loving detachment, where I had to learn to accept that yes, he is angry, and no, I can’t control it. Since we do not have children, I did not have to worry about his venting on a child. He did become physically abusive once. I had to call the police, and we had a period of no contact with each other. As part of his sentence to a reduced charge, he had to attend anger management classes. All that really resulted in was him leaving a situation rather than acting out, but it was an improvement over plates of spaghetti thrown at a wall, or a TV set thrown through a picture window.
We carried on like that for a couple of years–he would stomp out and not return for a few days. I had to learn to treat him as a very ill individual, meaning not to take the stomp out grand exits personally, and to take as good care of myself as I possibly could. That meant no escapist activities like drinking or shopping, good nutrition, proper rest, and maintaining my association with family and friends. I would not comment on his anger, and assumed as pleasant and cheerful attitude as was appropriate for various circumstances that came up. I also learned to listen to him without trying to fix him. Fixing himself was up to him, and I could not supply the motivation to do so. I could, however, avoid letting it affect my own dignity and self-worth to a degree that surprised me.
I stayed very close to the sacraments, and I joined a support group for those married to people with issues.
I think what happened is that he finally realized that I wasn’t a pressure release valve. His anger was his anger. It wasn’t mine.
After a few years of this, he stopped drinking and decided to get some in-depth help. He is still going to therapy, and told me that he was surprised to discover that he grew up in an extremely angry family: Anger wasn’t expressed, confronted, or worked through. It was allowed to fester and simmer.
I notice some positive changes. He is becoming better at taking care of himself. He no longer works insane hours without breaks. He has stopped drinking, as I mentioned before. He has learned to identify feelings of frustration, and has learned a sense of proportion concerning them. He is developing more patience. At the same time, he is learning that stating he is angry or upset and asking for what he needs or what he wants resolved calmly does not mean that all hell is going to break loose. He is also starting to develop a sense of being able to think through creative resolutions to various things that come up in each day’s march.
It’s been a long haul. I’m grateful for the progress he’s made. If the changes in my own responses to his anger made a difference in pushing him toward getting some help, I’m grateful for that, too. He is a good man, and despite all we’ve been through, I do love him.
Remember, graces were given to you at the time of your marriage to your wife. I clearly recall once, several years ago, when he had thrown a plate of spaghetti at the kitchen wall, and slammed the storm door on the way out badly enough that it broke the door frame, praying. I recall that my prayer was NOT particularly reverent, but went something like this: “Okay, Lord, You promised us graces on our wedding day. I need those graces NOW!” as I mopped up the mess. I calmed down, and after calling in a handyman to fix the storm door, sat down to do some spiritual reading, a practice I find calming in stressful times. I have quite a collection of holy cards, amassed over a lifetime of being Catholic. I use them frequently for bookmarks in spiritual literature.
I sat down and picked up my bible. A holy card of St. Monica fell out of the pages.
St. Monica was not only the mother of St. Augustine, she is also the patron saint of parents with wayward children and the patron saint of people who are in bad marriages. Her husband reportedly was very controlling and it seems emotionally abusive. So she certainly had her hands full! Her husband converted to the faith towards the end of his life. And we know that she prayed daily for her son, who led a sinful life, and thirty years down the road he too came to convert from his sinful lifestyle. He is, as you know, one of the greatest saints we have in the Catholic Church. So, pray to St. Monica, and ask her intercession for your intentions.
Then focus on trying to enjoy this life God gave you, regardless of what happens with your wife. Take care of your children, and try to help them achieve a happy and holy life. Some counseling for them may be in order. Don’t be afraid to go to counseling yourself: You’re living in a battlefield, and it does take its toll, regardless of whether you’re aware of the fact. And pray for your wife, her health, happiness, and peace of mind. While you’re at it, see if you can find a support group for those dealing with spouses who may have mental health issues.
If nothing else, prayer changes our attitude to one of hope and encouragement. And that sometimes shocks the angry spouse into getting some help for themselves.
Even though he’s smart and incredibly observant in other areas of his life, he just did not see stuff at home. So when he did, he tended to overestimate how much he saw and the contribution that he made. I had to learn how to be forgiving and patient, and he had to learn not to take my asking him for additional help as criticism of what he had already done or that I was trying to sneakily take advantage of him so I could sit around and eat bon bons - not that he ever phrased it that way, but it was how he got to thinking.