Unbaptised husband as spiritual head?

[sixofseven]

Hi there,

I married an unbaptised ‘Christian’ - best man in the world although a little spiritually messed up, no thanks to his parents (another story).

When we married we agreed that our children would be raised Catholic - it was not even within my radar to negotiate on this, he intially agreed, then refused, then agreed again. He also once said that he thought he would try and convert me but realised there was no need.

So I’m praying for his conversion daily - even just to get baptised at this point at his own church if he wants but my question is if this doesn’t ever happen what is his role as the family spiritual head? And what is my role as the obedient wife?

We have no children yet but I have this nagging feeling that once we do our faith differences may come to a head again…

Is there anyone in a mixed marriage who deals with this? Particularly a Catholic woman married to a non-Catholic man? How much ‘dominion’ do they have as the spiritual head of the family? And how do you deal with it - do you try and override it?

 

[kage_ar]

A non-Christian is not qualified to be the spiritual head of a household. That burden falls to your shoulders, and it will be difficult because it is out of the order that God designed.

Pray for your husband every day and fast for his salvation.

When he comes to the fullness of the Truth with the Holy Catholic Church, then, he may step in and be the spiritual leader of the home. And you will be a much happier lady!

 

[horselvr]

Hmmm—this sounds vagely familiar. I also was in this type of marriage and when we had our son my then husband decided he (our child) didn’t need to be baptised and all that other sort of “Catholic stuff.”

So, it did fall on my shoulders, a burden I gladly took up, which was not difficult at all because it was the right thing to do—to have my son baptised and confirmed and brought up Catholic.

 

[sixofseven]

A non-Christian is not qualified to be the spiritual head of a household. That burden falls to your shoulders, and it will be difficult because it is out of the order that God designed.

Pray for your husband every day and fast for his salvation.

When he comes to the fullness of the Truth with the Holy Catholic Church, then, he may step in and be the spiritual leader of the home. And you will be a much happier lady!

He would be mortified to be called a non-Christian! This is just one of the problems in what he has been taught - that baptism isn’t a necessity, just faith.

I agree with what you have said but how do I deal with it in the meantime? He may never come home to Rome!

What do I do if and when he claims the title of spiritual leader - um, sorry hunny, but you’re not…

 

[sixofseven]

Hmmm—this sounds vagely familiar. I also was in this type of marriage and when we had our son my then husband decided he (our child) didn’t need to be baptised and all that other sort of “Catholic stuff.”

So, it did fall on my shoulders, a burden I gladly took up, which was not difficult at all because it was the right thing to do—to have my son baptised and confirmed and brought up Catholic.

Good for you! Luckily for me DH doesn’t see a problem with infant baptism, we have been to many, he thinks it’s fine but probably ‘unfair’ that the child is having that decision made for them - I think he’s just been brought up to think that it’s a decision you make as an adult.

I think the more I have taught him about my upbringing and the step process of receiving the sacraments as you get older actually has got him a bit excited that that is what our kids will do too! Something came up about confirmation and he just said, ‘Our kids will do this, won’t they!’

I’m just worried that he may see me as the spiritual head and sort of ‘taking over’ the role that should be his…he has a lot of pride…

 

[horselvr]

I am confused. Maybe I am not reading your posts correctly.

First post:
He’s an unbaptised ‘Christian’. (your quote’s not mine)
Spirtually messed up.
He was ok with, then wasn’t ok with, then was ok with, raising the future kids as Catholics.

Second post:
Believes baptism isn’t a necessity, just faith.

Third post and this is really the confusing part for me because now you say:
DH doesn’t see a problem with infant baptism?
And now he is ok with the sacraments and the kids making their confirmation?

What denomination is he if you don’t mind my asking because none of this makes any sense to me because it is contrary from one post to the next.

"What do I do if and when he claims the title of spiritual leader - um, sorry hunny, but you’re not… "

Yes that is what you say because he isn’t. Would you turn over all of your finances to a husband that is a gambler ? No you would not because he is financially bankrupt in his mind.

So is the husband who is “spiritually messed up”. He is spirtually bankrupt.

Someone has got to set the kids in the direction of Christ and as Catholics since that is how you want them raised. Is he planning on converting? If not then how can he raise them Catholic? Is he at least open to classes to learn about Catholicism so he can guide his future children?

I know, alot of questions.

 

[kage_ar]

Did you not cover this in your pre-cana sessions?

Begin to study Scriptural Apologetics - he does believe the Bible, right? Show him where Baptism is necessary for salvation from scripture, then go from there.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

A non-Christian is not qualified to be the spiritual head of a household. That burden falls to your shoulders, and it will be difficult because it is out of the order that God designed.

Pray for your husband every day and fast for his salvation.

When he comes to the fullness of the Truth with the Holy Catholic Church, then, he may step in and be the spiritual leader of the home. And you will be a much happier lady!

Absolutely agreeing here. Especially since it sounds like your husband doesn’t practice any religion at all.

Set aside time every day to pray for your husband. St Monica and St Rita are wonderful advocates for women in your situation. See also if you can find the writings of Elizabeth Leseur. She is not a cannonized Saint, but lived with an atheist husband who eventually converted and became a priest after her death. Her journals are very inspirational.

It is bcause of the difficulties that you are beginning to experience that the Church teaches us not to be “unequally yoked”. I will also pray that your husband converts and steps fully into his role as the spiritual head of your domestic church.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

What do I do if and when he claims the title of spiritual leader - um, sorry hunny, but you’re not…

I’m just worried that he may see me as the spiritual head and sort of ‘taking over’ the role that should be his…he has a lot of pride…

Aren’t you borrowing trouble? Is your husband really likely to up and claim to be the spiritual head of the household? Until you have children and the are old enough to start actually learning the faith (about 1st grade), he is unlikely to think of himself in that role–especially if he has no issue with infant baptism.

There are many things you can and should be doing already. First of course is to pray for him. Ask your priest, Catholic family and friends to also pray.

Because he’s seen baptisms, etcs. I assume he is going to Mass with you or at least that you two are discussing these types of things regularly. That’s good. Continue to discuss and when you can’t answer his questions, read the catechism together, ask your priest, get other resources. The more he knows, the more likely he will be drawn into the beauty of the faith. Think of what might “hook” him–for some it is the history, for others the pagentry, for others the intellectual draw. Those might be superficial things on the surface, but they are often enough to bring someone close enough for them to really learn and embrace the faith.

I will be praying for you.

 

[sixofseven]

I am confused. Maybe I am not reading your posts correctly.

First post:
He’s an unbaptised ‘Christian’. (your quote’s not mine)
Spirtually messed up.
He was ok with, then wasn’t ok with, then was ok with, raising the future kids as Catholics.

Second post:
Believes baptism isn’t a necessity, just faith.

Third post and this is really the confusing part for me because now you say:
DH doesn’t see a problem with infant baptism?
And now he is ok with the sacraments and the kids making their confirmation?

What denomination is he if you don’t mind my asking because none of this makes any sense to me because it is contrary from one post to the next.

"What do I do if and when he claims the title of spiritual leader - um, sorry hunny, but you’re not… "

Yes that is what you say because he isn’t. Would you turn over all of your finances to a husband that is a gambler ? No you would not because he is financially bankrupt in his mind.

So is the husband who is “spiritually messed up”. He is spirtually bankrupt.

Someone has got to set the kids in the direction of Christ and as Catholics since that is how you want them raised. Is he planning on converting? If not then how can he raise them Catholic? Is he at least open to classes to learn about Catholicism so he can guide his future children?

I know, alot of questions.

Trust me - I’m as confused as you are. He was brought up predominantly in the baptist church, mixed with presbyterian and even a dash of pentecostal…lots of church hopping, his parents are in a mixed marriage, father is a former Catholic who got ‘rebaptised’…the list goes on, can you see where the 'messed up’ness comes from??

He believes that all he needs to know and believe is that Christ died for him and he now can’t do anything to get into heaven, because Christ has done it for him. Baptism for him has nothing to do with salvation, it is simply showing everyone else that he has accepted Christ and is going to change his life to live like Christ. Basically everything is up to the individual. I can only put it down to the Holy Spirit working in him through my prayers that he is open to infant baptism and all the sacraments for our children.

I think he didn’t really know anything about Catholicism when we first met, so when first talking about marriage and kids he was fine with raising them Catholic because he thought it was the same as his church. When learning that he couldn’t receive communion, that our authority is the magisterium, transubstantiation etc etc he got freaked out and thought we were weird robots - but I think that through me living out my faith he has changed his mind - my prayers are that the Holy Spirit will soften his heart and open his eyes and I think this is happening gradually!! I think this is why he is now ok with the sacraments etc - I just answer his questions as they arise, I try not to force things on him.

I just have a…fear…I suppose… that one day he’ll say ‘I’m supposed to be the spititual head and this is what I want!’

 

[sixofseven]

Aren’t you borrowing trouble? Is your husband really likely to up and claim to be the spiritual head of the household? Until you have children and the are old enough to start actually learning the faith (about 1st grade), he is unlikely to think of himself in that role–especially if he has no issue with infant baptism.

There are many things you can and should be doing already. First of course is to pray for him. Ask your priest, Catholic family and friends to also pray.

Because he’s seen baptisms, etcs. I assume he is going to Mass with you or at least that you two are discussing these types of things regularly. That’s good. Continue to discuss and when you can’t answer his questions, read the catechism together, ask your priest, get other resources. The more he knows, the more likely he will be drawn into the beauty of the faith. Think of what might “hook” him–for some it is the history, for others the pagentry, for others the intellectual draw. Those might be superficial things on the surface, but they are often enough to bring someone close enough for them to really learn and embrace the faith.

I will be praying for you.

It’s probably my own insecurities that are causing these thoughts.
Yes he comes to Mass with me every now and then - again, I don’t force him but I always invite him. We went to a High Mass and he really liked the ‘celebration’ and procession and choir before the Gospel was read.

Thank you for your prayers…

 

[sixofseven]

Absolutely agreeing here. Especially since it sounds like your husband doesn’t practice any religion at all.

Set aside time every day to pray for your husband. St Monica and St Rita are wonderful advocates for women in your situation. See also if you can find the writings of Elizabeth Leseur. She is not a cannonized Saint, but lived with an atheist husband who eventually converted and became a priest after her death. Her journals are very inspirational.

It is bcause of the difficulties that you are beginning to experience that the Church teaches us not to be “unequally yoked”. I will also pray that your husband converts and steps fully into his role as the spiritual head of your domestic church.

Yes I pray for St Monica’s intercession all the time! St Rita eh??? Will look into that. Yes I have heard of Elizabeth Leseur and will see what I can find.

Thanks for your prayers!

 

[horselvr]

Thanks for unconfusing me!

Ya know he sounds like he may just come around because of you. But if he doesn’t be ready to man the ship.

I’ll pray for you too.

 

[monicatholic]

six,

coupled with your husband’s inability to see his parents’ intrusions in your marriage as the real problem it is (per your other thread), i will repeat my warning from the other thread: it would appear that you and your husband have serious reason to avoid pregnancy at this time.

do not contracept. stay obedient to Catholic teaching. use NFP.

you were either improperly prepared for marriage, or you improperly participated in the preparation process. either way, get to a catholic marriage counselor asap.

 

[kage_ar]

six,

coupled with your husband’s inability to see his parents’ intrusions in your marriage as the real problem it is (per your other thread), i will repeat my warning from the other thread: it would appear that you and your husband have serious reason to avoid pregnancy at this time.

do not contracept. stay obedient to Catholic teaching. use NFP.

and get to a catholic marriage counselor asap.

AMEN!

 

[sixofseven]

six,

coupled with your husband’s inability to see his parents’ intrusions in your marriage as the real problem it is (per your other thread), i will repeat my warning from the other thread: it would appear that you and your husband have serious reason to avoid pregnancy at this time.

do not contracept. stay obedient to Catholic teaching. use NFP.

you were either improperly prepared for marriage, or you improperly participated in the preparation process. either way, get to a catholic marriage counselor asap.

Yeah I think you’re right! We are avoiding pregnancy at the moment…naturally!
It’s hard to grasp the whole picture from an online forum so I will disagree that we were improperly prepared or improperly participated - we took the counseling very seriously and hubby actually enjoyed it more that I did! I have insecurities now that I didn’t have before - my whole life has just changed, I’ve moved to be with hubby and start a new life so just feeling a bit lonely and adjusting to it all and loneliness leads to too much thinking!!! But it also leads to lots of praying which I am enjoying…

Please do pray for us…I do see the real need to address this with him so thanks everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut and advice!