Unbearable struggle

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JosephHope

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Dear all

For anyone who is following my recent posts knows that I am a porn addict, it started at 16 when I wanted to know what girls have down there and how babies are made, since sex is considered a taboo in my community, I used to go to the cybercafe and do a web search basically writing an actress that I saw on TV with the word naked or nude after her name, then I went for Playboy with no success in getting on what is down there then one night on TV one channel switched to porn, I was shocked, I didn’t like what I saw but couldn’t stop watching.

During that time I developed a fetish for tight clothing especially jeans and leggings since that kind of clothing amplifies the down there area, I cannot see anyone wearing a jeans without looking even at the church.
My quest continued until I stumbled upon internet porn, I thought that would help me but I went deeper into that world, I did not watch it for the act itself, I wanted to know everything about the performers, when the scene was shot, how much did they get, did it hurt…

I am a lonely person, I have no brothers or sisters or family interested in talking to me, I try winning friend by sharing too much information and end up being the talkative one, so no friends too.

The struggle is that I am a good Catholic guy, I rarely missed Sunday Mass and I fast 3-4 times per week, I pray everyday a little prayer, and I knew at some point that what I was doing was wrong but the concept of mortal sin was to me the seven deadly sins that I hear about, I was thinking as long as I’m not sleeping with a girl I’m doing nothing wrong, but I had the bad idea of searching online for masturbation and mortal sin, why a bad idea because it made me lose my mind, that I am going to hell, that I was committing sacrilege by taking communion for most of my lifetime, I lost my mind, my sanity, I became more recluse, one Our Father would take me 10 times because I must make sure that I am saying every word right and not missing something so praying a rosary would take me more than a day, online threads with promises of hell and end time talks do not help either.

Confession, as far as I know, is something that must be done once a year, not a shower that one takes every time he feels dirty, a confessor told me after I went back to him a month after my first confession. I fell again yesterday for porn and attended Mass this morning without taking communion, It felt worst than ever, girls wearing the tightest jeans went having communion and I stayed there, it felt like Jesus invited me to his Feast but I was like Thanks man, I’ll be there but will not do anything, It felt that I was insulting Jesus more by not taking communion. The church and the catechism should have more empathy towards the alone sins, I heard that a priest was moved from one parish to another place because he was accused of being a drunk, even priests fall for loneliness.

And since one confesses because he insulted God and the church and since most of you are members of the church, I’m confessing here too.
Please pray for me and if anyone have experienced something similar please share the results.
 
JosephHope said:
Dear all

For anyone who is following my recent posts knows that I am a porn addict, it started at 16 when I wanted to know what girls have down there and how babies are made, since sex is considered a taboo in my community, I used to go to the cybercafe and do a web search basically writing an actress that I saw on TV with the word naked or nude after her name, then I went for Playboy with no success in getting on what is down there then one night on TV one channel switched to porn, I was shocked, I didn’t like what I saw but couldn’t stop watching.

During that time I developed a fetish for tight clothing especially jeans and leggings since that kind of clothing amplifies the down there area, I cannot see anyone wearing a jeans without looking even at the church.
My quest continued until I stumbled upon internet porn, I thought that would help me but I went deeper into that world, I did not watch it for the act itself, I wanted to know everything about the performers, when the scene was shot, how much did they get, did it hurt…

I am a lonely person, I have no brothers or sisters or family interested in talking to me, I try winning friend by sharing too much information and end up being the talkative one, so no friends too.

The struggle is that I am a good Catholic guy, I rarely missed Sunday Mass and I fast 3-4 times per week, I pray everyday a little prayer, and I knew at some point that what I was doing was wrong but the concept of mortal sin was to me the seven deadly sins that I hear about, I was thinking as long as I’m not sleeping with a girl I’m doing nothing wrong, but I had the bad idea of searching online for masturbation and mortal sin, why a bad idea because it made me lose my mind, that I am going to hell, that I was committing sacrilege by taking communion for most of my lifetime, I lost my mind, my sanity, I became more recluse, one Our Father would take me 10 times because I must make sure that I am saying every word right and not missing something so praying a rosary would take me more than a day, online threads with promises of hell and end time talks do not help either.

Confession, as far as I know, is something that must be done once a year, not a shower that one takes every time he feels dirty, a confessor told me after I went back to him a month after my first confession. I fell again yesterday for porn and attended Mass this morning without taking communion, It felt worst than ever, girls wearing the tightest jeans went having communion and I stayed there, it felt like Jesus invited me to his Feast but I was like Thanks man, I’ll be there but will not do anything, It felt that I was insulting Jesus more by not taking communion. The church and the catechism should have more empathy towards the alone sins, I heard that a priest was moved from one parish to another place because he was accused of being a drunk, even priests fall for loneliness.

And since one confesses because he insulted God and the church and since most of you are members of the church, I’m confessing here too.
Please pray for me and if anyone have experienced something similar please share the results.
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Absolutely incorrect. The Church’s precept is that you need to make a good Confession at least once a year, not “only once a year”. Find another confessor, preferably one who can also give you regular spiritual guidance.

There’s a thread on here with a good list of websites for battling pornography addiction and related issues: check it out here. forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=55427

Praying for you. Keep trying. 👍
 
What do you do for a living? Find another passion in you life. Have made a retreat lately?
 
In the place where I live (please spare me the location), people do not discuss sexual matters, not in family, not in church, not in school, I remember a guy in a Catholic High School, who said in front of me and other people that he was having sex with an escort, yet he did not confess that.
Not a long time ago, I went to a Roman Catholic Church and found a priest, not a young one so he must have some experience, to ask him about the topic, so I started by asking him about what we could watch on TV and that some shows and I mentioned Game Of Thrones which I do not watch but is known for gratuitous nudity, so he told me only the intention matters, I tried to discuss even more, he told me to that he is busy so I apologized and went away, got into depression and watched porn that day, it is a defense mechanism, I am not finding excuses but what is the use to confess everyday if I’ll fall back in a couple of weeks.

And for those who will suggest therapy, it is very uncommon.
 
Searching through this site on porn and masturbation, I found an overwhelming response that an addict is not in a state of mortal sin, because
It is a grave matter.
It is done with full knowledge (still want to know why it is wrong in the case of a single person, he is not wasting his seeds since he has no wife, it might be better to masturbate then to have premarital sex and end up with pregnancy and maybe an abortion killing an innocent soul), but I’ll trust the Church in that and repress myself.

BUT not with complete consent, the idea of nudity or porn consumes you all day long until you give it its fix, like substance addiction. so why people like us can’t get Communion and ask Jesus who is present in their heart and body to make their bodies pure by his mere presence there instead of obsessing or in my case waiting weeks to find a confessor, some Eastern parishes do not offer confessions everyday and on Sunday the priest just drops by on time for the Mass and leave right away for another parish.

What if I went to a church with the intention of confessing and the priest came just in time for Mass and no possibility for confession, probably what will happen, wouldn’t that be considered a step in the right direction?
 
**‘A man should not ask tribulations of God, presuming on his being able to bear them: there should be the greatest possible caution in this matter, for he who bears what God sends him daily does not do a small thing.’

St. Philip Neri**
 
I keep hearing about many Catholics having the same struggle.

Recently priests are showing more leniency towards the topic, they have granted me absolution and I keep obsessing about evey little detail.

The catechism should reflect that in a future review, especially the mortal sin part, one does not watch porn or masturbates if he could find someone to talk to, a friend or a girl to date and appreciate real love, the person who does that is, in a way or another, mentally ill or how can he get aroused by a girl who wasn’t born when he finished college, most porn stars are 17 and it shows, you cannot trick an older woman to that.

I am not in any way asking to legalize porn or masturbation, just more understanding.

Please, prayers are good, but also an understanding and supporting people are needed also, promises of hell do not help, if he isn’t living hell, he isn’t struggling.
 
I hear you loud and clear. I was trapped in the pattern that you are describing for years. Now after a long slow climb, stumbling and falling back many times, I am, by the grace of God - and ONLY the grace of God, free from the cycle of lust. Like you also, I am inclined to solitude, have no spouse, and only a small circle of good friends. So, the struggle remains and I must always be aware that I could fall again if I don’t remain disciplined and vigilant.

So, here are some actions I have taken, over the course of two decades (this problem will not be solved overnight barring a special outpouring of God’s mercy). All of the things I did were spurred by the Holy Spirit - in my opinion - and served to put me in places and states of mind where I could be maximally receptive to the graces God offered.
  1. Confession. Even though I too occasionally ran into a priest who was particularly hard on me, I continued to go to confession as soon as possible after falling. I know the catechism indicates that addiction is a mitigating factor in the severity of these sins, but I still believe that I was committing mortal sin when I engaged in the various illicit, lust-inspired practices. I did a lot of confessor shopping over the years. It would be better to find a single confessor and stick with him. I have that now, but one consequence of sexual sins is that it seems to build up the vice of inconstancy (instability), so, I moved around a lot, switched cities and jobs at the drop of a hat.
With confession, you should have a firm resolve to put the sin behind you. I felt that I had this resolve every time, then, two weeks later, I was right back in the confessional after another fall. Even now, when I no longer am acting out in the same way, I go to confession at least once a month.

Don’t stop going to confession. The graces that come through this sacrament are essential to overcoming lust.
  1. Find an accountability partner. I started going to a 12 step group for sexual addiction about ten years ago. I only attended meetings for a few years. I don’t believe 12 step programs are a guaranteed cure-all for everyone, however I did take away some valuable tools from this experience.
First, I realized that I was not alone in a very profound way. Hearing others describing the very things I experienced was liberating. Having people to talk to who knew the same internal horror show that I was living was a source of comfort and hope.

Second, the twelve steps - especially the surrender steps (#1-#3) provided me with a model of prayer that I still use today. Additionally, the introspective steps (#4-#6) helped me root out and deal with a lot of destructive psychological baggage. Be careful though, it is easy for narcisists like ourselves to get lost in too much introspection.

Finally, I prayed for a friend and found one through the program. Our experiences were similar and we still talk by phone nearly every single day. Neither of us attend meetings anymore, but the support and examinations we do together have been more useful than anything other than grace in pulling me from the mire.
  1. Virtue. Study virtue. Really understand what the virtues are and pray for them. Pray at the same time every day, be diligent, every day. The catechism has a great section on the virtues. Aristotle wrote about them. St. Thomas Aquinas elaborated on them. Set your heart and mind and intentions on acquiring them. Begin by asking God to show you what virtue you are most in need of.
Virtues are the habits you must develop to replace the habit of lust.

4.Cut off access to the occasions of sin. Get rid of your television and the internet if you need to. You will come up with a million excuses why you can’t do this. Ignore them. Do what you need to do. Better to enter heaven with one eye than not to enter at all.

If, like me, you have been accompanied by these devices for most of your life, you may fear how you will fill your time. I admit, it’s not easy. I still have times where boredom seems overwhelming, but you will adapt to the quieter, distraction free life. Start hiking. Get a dog. Read more. Pray more. There are an endless number of constructive habits you can implement to replace our electronic babysitters.
  1. Routine. Establish and stick to a routine in your life. Go to bed at the same time each day. Get up at the same time. Eat at the same times. Pray at the same times.
Routine promotes good habits. Again, it seems to elicit boredom and restlessness from time to time, but overall the positive effects of following mundane daily rituals have been inestimable in my life.
  1. Don’t trip. When you fall - and you will likely fall again and.again - get up, amend your intentions yet again, go to confession and move on. Don’t fall into the “poor me’s”. God loves you. He knows you want out and he knows you are suffering. He will deliver you in His time and in His way. He will not leave undone what he has started.
Sins of the flesh, more than any others, incline us to despair, don’t fall into this trap. Have remorse, make amends, pray for forgiveness, then move forward.

Warning: you may notice if you attend a 12 step group that others might have a tendency to wallow in their falls and encourage you to do the same. Don’t fall into this error. Let “Don’t trip” be your mantra (in a Catholic way of course).

Remember, be realistic. There is no quick fix. You must exert monumental effort for incremental gain. But one day all the small progresses will result in a liberated life of reasonable happiness and nearness to God.

Peace
 
You have a lot of good advice. One thing I would like to add.

You should make a general confession of your whole life because it sounds as tho you have not confessed everything that needs to be confessed. A confession of this type is not as difficult as it may sound. Be sure and mention the number of times making bad communions, and all the impure thoughts that you gave into. We could have a discussion all night long as to whether these are serious sins or not, but that really won’t bring you any peace. Confess these as God sees them but be sure and mention them. And all the other serious sins of anger, selfishness, pride, intoxication or impurity on the internet. And all the times looking at impure pictures or not fighting temptations that should have been ignored.

A few days of recolection and thought and you will be ready to start your life anew and fresh without looking over your shoulder again. Let it all Go.

Jesus will love you for it and his mercy is as great as space itself.

Doing this you will free yourself and be at peace again.

In the future, when your mind is tempted to think upon something evil, just turn you attention immediately to something else without hesitation. In this, there are no regrets or doubts.

May God bless and keep you. May God’s face shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace.
 
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