Uncomfortable with Priest

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I was present for one of the conversations (and yes he used the word horny… it was odd - he asked her if she’d experienced her boyfriend’s ‘bedability’) and actually when it became clear I was uncomfortable with the turn the conversation had taken he did change the subject. I have also gone to confession with this priest and he did not bring up a similar topic.

PLEASE BARE IN MIND THE FOLLOWING IS JUST MY TAKE ON THE SITUATION: My gut reaction is that because she’s dating he’s trying to gently guide her to confess to sinful behavior but because he’s from a different culture (he’s not from this country) and doesn’t speak the language very well he’s having trouble communicating his concern.

Honestly the conversation I sat in on made me a little uncomfortable too but the feeling I got was more that he just doesn’t know how to broach the tough subjects without crossing the line a bit. The thing is he KNOWS she’s spending nights at her boyfriends house so I kind of think he’s trying to get her to confess to sinning but she’s quite firm in saying that she hasn’t and it’s creating a good deal of friction. He hasn’t outright said she’s done something but from the conversations she’s shared with me it really sounds like he’s trying to prompt her into confessing voluntarily by bringing up sexuality when he speaks to her. Honestly, if I were her, I’d be more offended that he seems convinced that she hasn’t remained pure in her relations with her fiancee then by the terminology he uses.

He is the only priest at this parish. He’s as high up as it gets unless I speak to the Bishop and I’m not sure I’m ready to speak to the Bishop at this point.

She really wants to continue to support this parish. She’s quite close to the parishioners. But I think with some prodding I can convince her to go to the neighboring parish on those weeks I can’t attend with her.

It’s just a really tough situation. Personally I like this priest, I think he’s very nice, but now I find myself hesitating and being a bit more careful with him. It’s a little sad.

So, the only options are;

A: Suggest she speak to a higher official about her concern.
B: Encourage her to attend a different parish despite her desire to stay close to her new family.
C: Encourage her to speak to the priest to share her concerns and discomfort?

Is that right?
 
nickybr38 said:
I was present for one of the conversations (and yes he used the word horny… it was odd - he asked her if she’d experienced her boyfriend’s ‘bedability’) and actually when it became clear I was uncomfortable with the turn the conversation had taken he did change the subject. I have also gone to confession with this priest and he did not bring up a similar topic.

PLEASE BARE IN MIND THE FOLLOWING IS JUST MY TAKE ON THE SITUATION: My gut reaction is that because she’s dating he’s trying to gently guide her to confess to sinful behavior but because he’s from a different culture (he’s not from this country) and doesn’t speak the language very well he’s having trouble communicating his concern.

Honestly the conversation I sat in on made me a little uncomfortable too but the feeling I got was more that he just doesn’t know how to broach the tough subjects without crossing the line a bit. The thing is he KNOWS she’s spending nights at her boyfriends house so I kind of think he’s trying to get her to confess to sinning but she’s quite firm in saying that she hasn’t and it’s creating a good deal of friction. He hasn’t outright said she’s done something but from the conversations she’s shared with me it really sounds like he’s trying to prompt her into confessing voluntarily by bringing up sexuality when he speaks to her. Honestly, if I were her, I’d be more offended that he seems convinced that she hasn’t remained pure in her relations with her fiancee then by the terminology he uses.

He is the only priest at this parish. He’s as high up as it gets unless I speak to the Bishop and I’m not sure I’m ready to speak to the Bishop at this point.

She really wants to continue to support this parish. She’s quite close to the parishioners. But I think with some prodding I can convince her to go to the neighboring parish on those weeks I can’t attend with her.

It’s just a really tough situation. Personally I like this priest, I think he’s very nice, but now I find myself hesitating and being a bit more careful with him. It’s a little sad.

So, the only options are;

A: Suggest she speak to a higher official about her concern.
B: Encourage her to attend a different parish despite her desire to stay close to her new family.
C: Encourage her to speak to the priest to share her concerns and discomfort?

Is that right?
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try c first and if that dont work do a
 
nickybr38 said:
I was present for one of the conversations (and yes he used the word horny… it was odd - he asked her if she’d experienced her boyfriend’s ‘bedability’) and actually when it became clear I was uncomfortable with the turn the conversation had taken he did change the subject. I have also gone to confession with this priest and he did not bring up a similar topic.

PLEASE BARE IN MIND THE FOLLOWING IS JUST MY TAKE ON THE SITUATION: My gut reaction is that because she’s dating he’s trying to gently guide her to confess to sinful behavior but because he’s from a different culture (he’s not from this country) and doesn’t speak the language very well he’s having trouble communicating his concern.

Honestly the conversation I sat in on made me a little uncomfortable too but the feeling I got was more that he just doesn’t know how to broach the tough subjects without crossing the line a bit. The thing is he KNOWS she’s spending nights at her boyfriends house so I kind of think he’s trying to get her to confess to sinning but she’s quite firm in saying that she hasn’t and it’s creating a good deal of friction. He hasn’t outright said she’s done something but from the conversations she’s shared with me it really sounds like he’s trying to prompt her into confessing voluntarily by bringing up sexuality when he speaks to her. Honestly, if I were her, I’d be more offended that he seems convinced that she hasn’t remained pure in her relations with her fiancee then by the terminology he uses.

He is the only priest at this parish. He’s as high up as it gets unless I speak to the Bishop and I’m not sure I’m ready to speak to the Bishop at this point.

She really wants to continue to support this parish. She’s quite close to the parishioners. But I think with some prodding I can convince her to go to the neighboring parish on those weeks I can’t attend with her.

It’s just a really tough situation. Personally I like this priest, I think he’s very nice, but now I find myself hesitating and being a bit more careful with him. It’s a little sad.

So, the only options are;

A: Suggest she speak to a higher official about her concern.
B: Encourage her to attend a different parish despite her desire to stay close to her new family.
C: Encourage her to speak to the priest to share her concerns and discomfort?

Is that right?
Click to expand...
Maybe speak to a more senior priest at a different parish and see if he would be able to moderate a conversation between the two of them where they can speak about her concerns and he can receive some mentorship. If language is the issue then it is possible that what he needs is mentorship and that he is not being creepy but that it can be perceived that way. But I think a priest asking questions of a penitent to help with examination of conscience is part of a Confessor’s job description.
 
I’m not saying that the OP or her friend are lying at all but I think we have to remain charitable in our judgement of the Priest. Labelling him as a “creep” is forgetting that everyone is made in the image and likeness of God. This man has given his life to the people of God and the Church. Maybe he was trying to approach the topic of sex in a modern laid back way?🤷
But if your friend thinks he is a threat to anyone speak to the diocese.
 
FAH said:
I’m not saying that the OP or her friend are lying at all but I think we have to remain charitable in our judgement of the Priest. Labelling him as a “creep” is forgetting that everyone is made in the image and likeness of God. This man has given his life to the people of God and the Church. Maybe he was trying to approach the topic of sex in a modern laid back way?🤷
But if your friend thinks he is a threat to anyone speak to the diocese.
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What you and Joanoarc have said is kind of how I’m seeing the situation - I think he’s just trying to guide her to confess something he greatly suspects she’s done but she insists she hasn’t.

On the one hand it’s frustrating that he won’t let the subject drop but on the other he’s just pushing her to admit what everyone else suspects she’s doing. 🤷 And as I said he’s never broached these subjects with me!

But is it really appropriate for a priest to keep pushing the issue when she keeps insisting she hasn’t done anything? He’s asking pointed questions (about horniness) because I think he’s trying to push her into admitting bad behavior but every time he pushes she pushes right back. Shouldn’t he let it drop?
 
He’s out of line, plain and simple. Someone needs to inform him soon.
 
Keeping in mind that this priest is aware that your friend is spending the night at her boyfriends house and that he is not the most comfortable with the english language, I think you need to proceed with extreme caution. Just because he uses language that is “off” does not necessarily mean that his intentions are wrong or beyond proper. Maybe he was trying to ask probing questions to get her to realize the ocassion of sin they appear to be creating by spending the night at his house? I feel bad for her that she feels uncomfortable around him. Perhaps he needs to learn the norms of the culture and which terms are acceptable and which are considered crass? I hope that is the case and that it is just a language thing in which he needs guidance.
 
I would encourage your friend to write a letter to the pastor and/or bishop telling them what you have told us. And if I were you, I would also write something about what you heard when you went with your friend to talk with the priest about her wedding and about that your friend has told you how uncomfortable she feels in his presence.
 
In answer to your post script, I don’t see why a priest would bring up sexuality if the penitent didn’t confess to a sin of that nature according to their state in life. Even if they did, the priest should obviously handle it very, very carefully. It doesn’t seem like this priest did.

If I were your friend and was disturbed, I’d try to explain to the priest that what he did was not appropriate in an American context. If he brushed me off and not considered my concern, I’d change parishes and write to the Bishop. If he tried to understand and said he’d try and learn how to be more polite, I’d stay.

All I can say is thank God that I’ve never been talked too like this in Confession (although when I was about 11 a priest insisted on holding my hands in Confession. I was wierded out and stayed away from Confession for 4 years. Even now, I only do behind the screen unless it’s not an option).
 
Paxvobis said:
In answer to your question, I don’t see why a priest would bring up sexuality if the penitent didn’t confess to a sin of that nature according to their state in life.

Even if they did, the priest should obviously handle it very, very carefully. It doesn’t seem like this priest did.

If I were your friend, I’d change parishes and write to the Bishop explaining exactly what happened and to the priest telling him that what you thought he did was inappropriate and that you have written to the Bishop.

All I can say is thank God that I’ve never been talked too like this in Confession (although when I was about 11 a priest insisted on holding my hands in Confession. I was wierded out and stayed away from Confession for 4 years. Even now, I only do behind the screen unless it’s not an option).
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I had a priest hold my hand during confession but I was sobbing like a baby and I think it alarmed him. 🙂

I don’t think she’s willing to permanently change parishes. She’s willing to go to a different parish for confession but beyond that she really wants to stay where she is. But I will pass on the suggestions that you guys have given and hopefully she can work this out.
 
nickybr38 said:
PLEASE BARE IN MIND THE FOLLOWING IS JUST MY TAKE ON THE SITUATION: My gut reaction is that because she’s dating he’s trying to gently guide her to confess to sinful behavior but because he’s from a different culture (he’s not from this country) and doesn’t speak the language very well he’s having trouble communicating his concern.
Click to expand...
Have you tried to talk to him about it? Explain to him how your friend feels and question him on his intentions? Let him know that there are more suitable ways to talk, and better ways of talking about sexuality then saying the word “horny”?

Or would such a thing be out of line?
 
EzraJacob said:
Have you tried to talk to him about it? Explain to him how your friend feels and question him on his intentions? Let him know that there are more suitable ways to talk, and better ways of talking about sexuality then saying the word “horny”?

Or would such a thing be out of line?
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I’m not sure if it would or not. I’m a new Catholic myself so I’m not sure how these things should be handled. I just don’t know if I should be talking to him or if she should. I’d be willing to sit with her if she did want to talk to him but I don’t think she’d talk to him at this point.

She does have a godmother, I’m tempted to talk to her godmother. I don’t think she’s told her godmother what’s going on. But even that feels like going behind her back. At least here nobody knows anybody so it’s pretty anonymous but if I bring the godmother in then there’s someone outside of the circle who knows what’s going on. Ah! So complicated.
 
nickybr38 said:
I’m not sure if it would or not. I’m a new Catholic myself so I’m not sure how these things should be handled. I just don’t know if I should be talking to him or if she should. I’d be willing to sit with her if she did want to talk to him but I don’t think she’d talk to him at this point.

She does have a godmother, I’m tempted to talk to her godmother. I don’t think she’s told her godmother what’s going on. But even that feels like going behind her back. At least here nobody knows anybody so it’s pretty anonymous but if I bring the godmother in then there’s someone outside of the circle who knows what’s going on. Ah! So complicated.
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I would pray over it. But maybe to talk with him for your friend if she refuses to talk with him with you there for support is better to do before you accuse this man of having intentions that he may not have. As you said, he is from another culture and not familiar with the language and norms.

I will pray for you and your friend. May you be guided by the Holy Spirit in your actions towards this situation.
 
EzraJacob said:
Have you tried to talk to him about it? Explain to him how your friend feels and question him on his intentions? Let him know that there are more suitable ways to talk, and better ways of talking about sexuality then saying the word “horny”?

Or would such a thing be out of line?
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Now THAT puts a whole different spin on it. Maybe he needs a superior to explain that the word “horny” is not something you should use in a priestly context.
 
One of the problems I see here is that the priest CANNOT discuss any aspect of this girls confession with anyone, even her outside of the confessional. This makes it difficult to have a confrontation with him over this.

However, if the priest’s bishop or head of clergy personnel was made aware of this they could most likely discuss it with the priest in a way where he does not break the seal. The bishop could say that a complaint was made, tell him the details of the complaint, and then ask him to consider stopping this kind of questioning in confesssion. the problem would be that the priest cannot defend himself without breaking the seal, but at least a formal complaint will be put in his record and if it happens again then perhaps something more serious could be done
 
Joannm said:
One of the problems I see here is that the priest CANNOT discuss any aspect of this girls confession with anyone, even her outside of the confessional. This makes it difficult to have a confrontation with him over this.

However, if the priest’s bishop or head of clergy personnel was made aware of this they could most likely discuss it with the priest in a way where he does not break the seal. The bishop could say that a complaint was made, tell him the details of the complaint, and then ask him to consider stopping this kind of questioning in confesssion. the problem would be that the priest cannot defend himself without breaking the seal, but at least a formal complaint will be put in his record and if it happens again then perhaps something more serious could be done
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It was not all in the confessional, though.
Now her and her boyfriend are engaged and I went with her to talk to the Father about her plans. Again he brought up the subject of; how are you going to handle it if your boyfriend gets horny, after she told him they hadn’t been intimate with each other yet.
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He must be told by someone this kind of terminology is NOT OK coming from a priest.
 
Your friend is not commiting a sin by missing Mass because this priest is an occasion of sin. He obvously has problems and may be abusing other parishoners. For example, he may force other parishoners to go into detail about their sexual fantasies.

I know other posters suggested writing to the pastor, DON’T! This needs to go straight to the diocese. If the pastor is informed, the priest may be spoken to informally and it will give him time to cover his tracks, it will also tell him that your friend reported him. This situation is far, far too serious to be dealt with at parish level.

if your friend will not report him, you must, for her sake. Get this priest out of her life so that she won’t be put off church forever. When writing to the bishop, be sure to mention that your friend will not attend confession at her parish and will not attend Mass without you, as they need to know that this behaviour has resulted in a parishoner being put off attending the Sacraments.
 
Joannm said:
One of the problems I see here is that the priest CANNOT discuss any aspect of this girls confession with anyone, even her outside of the confessional. This makes it difficult to have a confrontation with him over this.

However, if the priest’s bishop or head of clergy personnel was made aware of this they could most likely discuss it with the priest in a way where he does not break the seal. The bishop could say that a complaint was made, tell him the details of the complaint, and then ask him to consider stopping this kind of questioning in confesssion. the problem would be that the priest cannot defend himself without breaking the seal, but at least a formal complaint will be put in his record and if it happens again then perhaps something more serious could be done
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By that logic, priests who abused children in confessionals couldn’t be reported.

I would be horrified if this priest were not removed from duties, not just told to consider dropping this kind of questioning. It isn’t inappropriate, it is abuse. I am praying that this will be treated with the seriousness it deserves.
 
starsmurf said:
By that logic, priests who abused children in confessionals couldn’t be reported.

I would be horrified if this priest were not removed from duties, not just told to consider dropping this kind of questioning. It isn’t inappropriate, it is abuse. I am praying that this will be treated with the seriousness it deserves.
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Its only abuse if it was intentional. It could be a mix of misunderstanding the language and cultural norms and a want to guide this parishioner to the right path. He may have good intentions, just coming off wrong.
 
That is so unfortunate. I hope you do not hold this against the faith.
 
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