Unconditional Forgiveness and Breaking up

[Rinelaine]

If you are supposed to unconditionally forgive someone, how is it even possible to break up with them?

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a while, but we’re been going through some really rough patches. The church teaches us unconditional forgiveness, but if this were the case, then there would be no reason to break up with someone because all the past mistakes and issues and fights should be forgiven. It’s almost as if you are placed into a binding contract with someone as soon as you start dating them! Maybe I’m just not using my head well or something, but what, then, are valid reasons that you can break up with someone?

 

[TriciaF]

You are not bound by the relationship until you are married.
If someone behaves in a way that alerts you that he or she won’t be a good spouse or a good father, then it is only wise and good to break off your relationship.
Dating is the time to test whether it’s a wise and happy thing to marry.

 

[runningdude]

Forgiveness does not imply that actions have no consequences. One of those of the consequences could be breaking up.

 

[Robert_Caritas]

Yes, forgiveness means just that: “forgiving.” That means to let go of a grudge, and keep wanting the best for a person even if they have harmed you, and your feelings are hurt.

Sometimes the best for two people is to break up. It will cause pain, but since it will be for the best for both people (staying with the wrong person your whole life cannot be nice), it will be an act of love.

I hope that this can help! I wish you the best in this difficult situation.

Robert

 

[hannajomar]

You can forgive someone and break up with them too. Part of dating is figuring out if you and the other person are compatible. It’s fine to break up with someone because you don’t like arguing with them all the time. When it ends, however, we should always try our best to forgive anything they did wrong, instead of holding onto it.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

If you are supposed to unconditionally forgive someone, how is it even possible to break up with them?

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a while, but we’re been going through some really rough patches. The church teaches us unconditional forgiveness, but if this were the case, then there would be no reason to break up with someone because all the past mistakes and issues and fights should be forgiven. It’s almost as if you are placed into a binding contract with someone as soon as you start dating them! Maybe I’m just not using my head well or something, but what, then, are valid reasons that you can break up with someone?

Dating is not a contract/covenant. Only marriage is a covenant. You can end a dating relationship at any time for any reason. The obvious reason is that you have decided that this is not the person whom you want to marry.

 

[EasterJoy]

Let us say there is an offense or there are offenses that gravely damage the relationship:

Forgive and reconcile, rebuilding an exclusive relationship: You accept that the transgression happens, let go of all grudges, you wish him no harm, you let go of desire for retrobution. On that foundation, by the cooperation and consent of *both *parties, you rebuild an exclusive relationship from the ground up, doing the work, for instance, of earning a position of trust after the violation of trust.

Forgive and reconcile, rebuilding an altered relationship, but on a more distant basis than an exclusive relationship: You accept that the transgression happens, let go of all grudges, you wish him no harm, you let go of desire for retrobution. On that foundation, by the cooperation and consent of *both *parties, you rebuild a relationship from the ground up, but you choose to make that a friendship or even a matter of being mutually tolerant acquaintances, rather than an exclusive relationship. Sometimes the only way reconciliation can happen is if a future exclusive relationship is excluded, because the more distant relationship is the only one appropriate to the level of trust or the desire for a shared future that exists after the precipitating offense (or offenses…which could be shared by both parties),

**Forgive, but not reconcile: **You accept that the transgression happens, let go of all grudges, you wish him no harm, you let go of desire for retrobution, but you do not rebuild the relationship. It takes two to reconcile, but only one to forgive. Not every reconciliation is prudent, either. This is why the Lord could command us to forgive, but did not command us to reconcile with those who have wronged us.

**“Reconcile”, but don’t forgive: **You get back together, but you hold a grudge or harbor a desire to get back at him for what he did to you. It is hard to call this a true reconciliation, because the relationship, while it still exists, is not repaired. You’re staying in a relationship with a dysfunction that is to some degree precludes a real mature exchange of love. Don’t ever go here.

Neither reconcile nor forgive: You break off what is left of the relationship and harbor a grudge or a desire to get back at him, rather than accepting that the offense was a real offense and yet choosing to refrain from holding a grudge or getting even. This may or may not include acting in a vindictive manner because of the grudges.

Obviously, forgiveness and reconciliation are related, but hardly the same thing. Also, it should be obvious that you don’t have to have a falling out to end a relationship. If you figure out that you don’t want to marry the person, the most charitable thing to do is to let them go so they can form an exclusive relationship with someone else, a relationship that might lead to a valid marriage.

Does that make sense?

 

[Bill_7154]

If you are supposed to unconditionally forgive someone, how is it even possible to break up with them?

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a while, but we’re been going through some really rough patches. The church teaches us unconditional forgiveness, but if this were the case, then there would be no reason to break up with someone because all the past mistakes and issues and fights should be forgiven. It’s almost as if you are placed into a binding contract with someone as soon as you start dating them! Maybe I’m just not using my head well or something, but what, then, are valid reasons that you can break up with someone?

IMO there is a difference between forgiving someone and putting yourself in a situation that you know will result in harm to you over and over and over again.

I have forgiven my parents for the abuse they did to me as a child. But I also left their home and moved into a homeless shelter because I had no live skills and living with them was ongoing abuse and I would have never learned to live as an adult if I stayed living with them. The family was very disfunctional, to say the least, I HAD to get out of there to give myself a chance to learn some basic life skills almost everyone takes for granted as they learn them from ages 2 on up as part of being raised in a ‘normal’ family rather than a very, very disfunctional one.

It was the best thing I ever did. The best, hands down, was moving out of there and into a homeless shelter. I suffered horrible abuse, physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, etc as well as having my dad and grandmother being drunks (my grandmother raised me) and my mom being crazy. I HATED them when I was young. This hate eventually turned to hate towards the whole world. I was filled with hate, it was the fuel that drove me and I was consumed by it.

Eventually I learned that hating someone or resenting someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. I was making myself sick by hating. It was hard for me to do, but I did forgive them. I forgave them in my heart long before I told them.

So while your situation may not be as severe, there is a big difference IMO between forgiving someone and staying with them.

God forbid, your husband did something unspeakable to your child, would you stay with him (and have your child stay with him?) You might not be able to forgive him for a long time, some people never find the ability, nor want to, forgive such things…and I can understand that…but staying in the situation is kind of inviting, or at least allowing for the opportunity for more abuse to happen. And I think it’s our right as adults, and our responsibilty, to do what we can to protect ourselves from abuse… and to seek help doing so if necessary.

I needed on heck of a lot of help and am forever greatful that I received it. Part of that help was learning how to forgive my parents.

If everyone operated as your suggeting…forgiving…and staying in the situation…wouldn’t all the battered women continue to be battered…and some of them wind up being killed by their abusers eventually.

Or all the families where one of the adults is abusing one or all of the children in horrible ways…if the other spouse is not complicit in the abuse and finds out about it…isn’t it their responsibility to do whatever it takes to protect their children. Forgiving may come another day… but stopping the abuse is more important in the moment, isn’t it?

God Bless,
Bill