Understanding/discovering unfulfilled needs

[JetteZ]

I’m not sure exactly how to word this; I apologize if this is a bit of a ramble.

I have difficulty understanding what I need which then is very frustrating to my spouse who can’t meet those needs because I can’t tell him what I need and it is also frustrating to myself because I have difficulty establishing good behavior. That’s totally clear, right?

I’ll try giving an example…
I knew I wasn’t feeling particularly loved but I couldn’t express why I was feeling that way when I knew my husband was treating me in loving ways. I read Love & Respect and listening to the author explain to husbands what their husbands should do was when I realized YES! That’s what was missing! I started explaining this to my husband, he started making changes, and my feelings of being loved were drastically improved.

I’m struggling with what to Google. Obviously there are several types of needs and differences at the individual level as to how they are met; but, if you struggle with self reflection (is that even the right term?) how can you even figure out what you are missing?

I have a friend who struggled with exhaustion; to those on the outside we knew it was because she was doing WAY too much; but, she just couldn’t see it and went to several doctors and had sleep studies done to try and figure out the cause. It was a simple answer, her need for sleep wasn’t being met.

So… is there a checklist out there? Something like: These are your needs and the average way people meet those needs. Or a book on how to be more reflective? Or… something? As I said, I’m having trouble even knowing what I should be researching.

If it helps, I think the problem developed out of being focused on fulfilling others needs and somewhere I lost the ability to recognize my own.

Thank you for listening and thank you in advance for any insight you can provide!

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

I’m thinking that something like the 5 love languages would work really we for you. It not only has you take a battery of tests to help you figure out how you most feel loved, it asks questions and associates things that you may not.

Love languages also can change by just general maturity or even manipulation. This is important to recognize, too. My friend’s child was very big on “time” but when her father moved away (his very poor choice) her love language became “things” and when she was very young extended to stealing and other negative behaviors. In part, because she was trying to respond to a situation where she only got love via things, but it wasn’t really helping her because that’s not what she needed internally.

 

[JetteZ]

Thank you, that’s on our reading list for understanding that particular need.

I’d like help on understanding needs more generally. I feel like I need to develop self-empathy. I think you posted before that you are a mom (I appologize if I’m miss remembering); you know how you can just tell when a toddler needs a nap? They are all, “I’m not tired!” when you can clearly see the dark circles, grouchy attitude and hyperactivity.

…I feel like sometimes I’m that toddler. I might be grouchy but can’t reflect on why so am unable to meet the need or ask others for help.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Thank you, that’s on our reading list for understanding that particular need.

I’d like help on understanding needs more generally. I feel like I need to develop self-empathy. I think you posted before that you are a mom (I appologize if I’m miss remembering); you know how you can just tell when a toddler needs a nap? They are all, “I’m not tired!” when you can clearly see the dark circles, grouchy attitude and hyperactivity.

…I feel like sometimes I’m that toddler. I might be grouchy but can’t reflect on why so am unable to meet the need or ask others for help.

That would be a good place to start…meeting needs will help the both of you relax a bit more.

Please, please do not think I am trying to offend or diagnose you. I do not know you, and I’m trying to piece together what you are telling me based on only a tiny bit of knowledge. I’m wondering if you’re talking about general social cues? Do you suffer from ADHD or Aspergers where you do not recognize subtle body signs? If so, there’s a wealth of material on how one can navigate intimate relationships with these issues.

 

[JetteZ]

No, I’m not talking about social cues. I’m not autistic or anything (and no offense taken!). I’m talking about my own internal body or mental cues.

I used the example of feeling loved because it was something that I had come to some understanding.

I understood, in the most elementary sense, that I needed to feel loved. I knew I felt, for lack of a better word, “off.” However, because I knew my husband to be doing things that were loving I didn’t make the connection as to what was wrong until I listened to Love & Respect. He wasn’t doing the things I needed; he was doing the things he needed. Once I understood that and was able to explain to him what was missing he was able to course correct and the problem was more or less solved.

In recognizing that I have difficulty in self reflection and determining what is “off” I’m trying to figure out how to develop that skill. That’s why I was saying I feel like a toddler. The outwards signs of sleep deprivation, poor nutrition, insufficient affirmation, etc. may be present but I won’t see it in myself when I can clearly see it another and would act to alleviate their suffering.

I hope that is more clear.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

No, I’m not talking about social cues. I’m not autistic or anything (and no offense taken!). I’m talking about my own internal body or mental cues.

I used the example of feeling loved because it was something that I had come to some understanding.

I understood, in the most elementary sense, that I needed to feel loved. I knew I felt, for lack of a better word, “off.” However, because I knew my husband to be doing things that were loving I didn’t make the connection as to what was wrong until I listened to Love & Respect. He wasn’t doing the things I needed; he was doing the things he needed. Once I understood that and was able to explain to him what was missing he was able to course correct and the problem was more or less solved.

In recognizing that I have difficulty in self reflection and determining what is “off” I’m trying to figure out how to develop that skill. That’s why I was saying I feel like a toddler. The outwards signs of sleep deprivation, poor nutrition, insufficient affirmation, etc. may be present but I won’t see it in myself when I can clearly see it another and would act to alleviate their suffering.

I hope that is more clear.

I see a bit, although I think there’s a bit of cross-purpose here.

Have you done any prayer or Bible studies that focus on your womanhood? Not in the “Good Catholics are SAHM” (because that’s not true) way but in the in the train of thought of the Biblical woman of great value. Do you even get any independent prayer time?

It sounds like you’ve gotten into the bad rut of not knowing yourself–to the point where you don’t even know where to start.

I’m doing this next year, as I’m hoping for it for Christmas (likely will happen since my mom buys me a book every year) It’s a 6 week devotional written with moms in mind…to help us be better women and better friends through scripture and journaling.

https://www.amazon.com/Consider-Lil...07579201&sr=8-1&keywords=consider+the+lillies

I have to say, based on reviews of Catholic-mom bloggers–who have 2 kids to 7 kids, who have babies, toddlers, teenagers and adult kids, who do household duties and minding children, to those who work part-time to those who work full time–ALL have said it really was an insightful spiritual experience.

I cannot wait to try it.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

I can clearly see it another and would act to alleviate their suffering.

Okay, isn’t your answer here ^…hasn’t anyone ever told you where you are coming up short?

 

[JetteZ]

When it comes to their wants/needs not being met, sure.

As to me not meeting my own needs… the only thing that comes to mind is my doctor and husband concerned about excess weight.

It’s possible other things have been mentioned that I disregarded and so they aren’t coming to mind. I will think on this some more.