Thoughts that are popping into my head:
Could the problem be partly that she used to feel loved by knowing that you were providing for her and the family, and now isn’t getting that from you (through no fault of your own)? Maybe you could look for some other way to show her your love to “fill in the hole”, so to speak. The book “The Five Love Languages” could help you figure out what gestures she will interpret as being loving, if this seems likely to be a component.
Are you able to give her a chance to talk about her worries and fears? You might not be able to either because you may struggle with your own feelings and tend to be defensive (you are human, right?), or because she won’t allow you to. Being a breadwinner unexpectedly could be scary, and maybe there is some fear she’s trying not to think about that is driving some of this behavior. If you can’t be that outlet, for whatever reason, maybe encourage her to go out and talk with a girlfriend. If you are offering to let her talk and she’s avoiding, try to offer her comfortable chances to talk to you without pressuring her. Maybe cook a special dinner or dessert to be served after the kids go to bed.
Is she carrying a disproportionate amount of household responsibilities? Don’t forget “invisible” housework, like organizing the social schedule, being the “face” for the family to family friends, reminding the kids or you to do chores, planning, and decision making. Note how much free time you get, and how much she gets. If you are getting more free time than her, try to level the free time out by taking on more chores and responsibilities. From what I recall of my housework-balancing research, there is evidence that spouses note inequality in free time more than inequality in responsibilities.
If things are really bad, try to open yourself up for attack, and don’t defend yourself. This is a very powerful tool in a relationship, in my experience, but very painful to implement since you have to make yourself very vulnerable. It goes like this: Ask your wife to give her opinion on your contribution to the family or whatever else you think she might be concerned about (open yourself up to attack) and let her say whatever she wants (don’t defend!). Try to control your emotions and sort through her words for the actual content, speaking only to ask for clarification and thank her for her response, and respond to the content with actions. So if she calls you lazy and says that you aren’t doing enough, ask if she has suggestions (ask for clarification), listen, and thank her for her anser - no matter how rude. Say as little as possible beyond this. Then take a week to follow any suggestions she may give, no matter how rudely they are stated, or to just try to do a bit more work that you think she might care about if she didn’t care to clarify. Then, after a week, ask for feedback (open to attack again), and repeat.
“The Love Dare” is a great book that may be of use, but be warned that the method is very intense and requires everything of you and nothing of your spouse (which makes it great for dealing with a stonewaller). The technique above is the kind of advice you can expect from “The Love Dare” (although it actually comes out of “The Five Love Languages”). I didn’t have the book when DH and I were going through our roughest times, but the advice it gave was very similar to what actually worked for DH and I. I wish I’d had the book at the time, instead of having to figure everything out for myself.
On counseling: Can you go on your own to a marriage counselor? Most people who start going on their own get benefits from the counseling, and often once they start attending their spouse becomes interested in attending as well. For me, just telling my husband that I was going on my own was enough to convince him to join me after all.
Also, consider finding a supportive friend and making a real effort to connect with that person on a regular basis. Your wife isn’t able to be supportive right now for whatever reason, but that doesn’t mean you need to stand alone. A real friend will understand if you can’t reciprocate for his support right now, and won’t care. He might even feel honored that he can help.
I’m very sorry to hear that your relationship is going through this. Unemployment is bad enough without divisive family stress when you most need your spouse’s support.
Disclaimer: These are just brainstormed ideas. I am not a marriage professional, just a breadwinning mom who’s had a few problems in her own marriage. Please ignore anything I say at will!
